Need

Part 2: It's Not Enough

He's home.

Thirteen months of messages scattered across the heavens, reaching us in sporadic bursts as his duties allow. Thirteen months of my explaining his absence to Zak and Lee…of being careful not to make promises that he will survive to return home. Thirteen months of praying that he will.

He'll be gone in less than a week. We will scarcely see him.

He's a war hero moving up fast in the ranks, known throughout the Viper world and beyond, yet his sons hardly know him. The odd week here and there at home a couple times a year is not enough. I do not know him anymore. William Adama is my husband, yet he is a stranger.

And now, he has a different face. It's all I can do not to react, not to cry. I know it must have been painful, like all his other injuries he never lets me see. He prefers to stay away and not burden us. It would have been no burden to tend to his wounds, to help him with his recovery. He weathered them all by himself- he never allowed us to care for him. It is another distance, another wall.

I try to act no different for he is the same man I married, but I'm sure I betrayed my feelings.

I watch him with the boys during the evening. He cares for us, I have no doubt. We are kept well; he's generous and denies us nothing. The other wives envy my position. It is predicted he will go to the top, however I understand he's been clashing with his superiors. They'd do well to listen to him, but they won't. Instead, they will punish him for speaking out. It won't stop him, though.

He truly believes in what he does and that the Cylons are a larger threat than the leadership leads us to think. He will go to any lengths to do what he knows should be done. Bill is not one to give up. If he fought as hard for his family as he does against the Cylons…

Perhaps that's not fair, but I am tired of trying to find excuses and reasons for why he won't let us into hisworld, for why he'd rather keep this distance between us andI have little left to give. Our situation is what it is. He is barely part of our lives; we are barely part of his.

And here we sit, on our bed. He is nervous, as am I. The tension when we talk over the Galactica's link system has been growing. His calls have been fewer.

"It's been a long time. Longer than usual," he says.

It's always too long. Always.

He puts his arms around me. I sigh, remembering past days together. We had such fun back then. There was no need for the promises, the apologies, and the regrets that litter our relationship now.

"I do love you," he whispers.

I want the words to come and say the same to him, but can't.

I still care though. I do. I can at least show that.

We make love, somewhat desperately, each trying to regain what's lost. Then, in the bed that no longer seems too big and too empty when he's gone, I listen to his heart beating in his chest. I should say something, should try to set his and my heart at ease, but the words aren't there. They won't come.

"I love you, Caroline…"

…and I know he does.

But now, it's just not enough.


This is my first BSG fic and I apologize for not being familiar enough with the series to haveavoided putting Lee and Zak at home ten years or so before they are even born (I think). Consider this AU, if you must. I appreciate your feedback very much!