Warning! This entire story was written on sugar high! Complete randomness and scariness ahead! Sakura-bashing galore! If you like Sakura, get very very far away from me and this story! For your own safety! I will now stop ending in exclamation points!
Rabid Fangirls
One day Sakura was thinking about how hot and absolutely-to-die-for Sasuke-kun was, and decided to go stalk him for a while and possibly steal some of his hair as a souvenir to cuddle at night. She put on her prettiest dress (which, by pure chance, happened to be the one that she wears every single day) and put on her prettiest make-up and was ever so careful to brush her hair until it was perfect and stood admiring herself in the mirror for about 5 minutes until she felt positively irresistible. "Hmm, Sasuke-kun will definitely want to go out on a date with me after he sees how pretty I look!" she said to herself, smiling happily and walking out the door to go to Sasuke's house. Along the way she ran into Naruto (literally). "Sakura-chan! I'm so sorry, or you alright?" Naruto said in his nicest possible voice because he really was sorry and he thought Sakura looked extra pretty even though she looked the same as she always did. Sakura was not as nice. "YOU BEEPING BASTARD! STAY AWAY FROM ME!" she squealed and pushed poor Naruto out of the way as she pouted and stomped down the road, leaving Naruto to gaze sorrowfully after.
'Jeez, that idiot, he should die in a fiery pit of hell!' thought inner Sakura, fuming. 'Damn him!' Then she finally reached Sasuke's humongous house. She blazed with confidence and rang the doorbell once, waiting respectfully for her beloved to open the door and welcome her into his waiting arms.
However, Sasuke had enough experience with fangirls to know to look out the window to see who was at the door.
Sakura, after waiting for several minutes, rang again and still received no answer. "Sasuke-kun?" she called loudly. "It's me, your beautiful Sakura-chan!" Sasuke wasn't going to open the door unless his brother was outside, and that was only because he wanted to rip his aniki's guts out and smear them all over the ground. And just for Sakura's luck, Itachi decided to make his appearance just then. He got right up behind Sakura (with his awesome ninja skills) and said softly through the keyhole,
"Sasuke, I'm her to traumatize you again..."
Sasuke, who had been right on the other side willing his telepathic powers to make Sakura leave, instantly ripped the door off its hinges to get at his brother.
"You bastard, I'll kill you!" Sasuke shouted as he started up the Chidori and charging at his brother, who had somehow or other moved about 20 feet away. Almost like he was expecting his little brother to do that. Imagine that. Itachi decided that it would be more fun to make Sasuke destroy his own house rather than simply stopping his move, so he grabbed poor traumatized Sasuke by the neck before he got too close and threw him back into the doorway, narrowly missing Sakura who had jumped into the prickly rose bushes in fright.
Sasuke disappeared in a cloud of dust as he smashed into something inside his own house, and then the explosion of the Chidori brought the house down on top of him with a huge crash. Sakura barely managed to get away in time as her dress/kimono thingie had gotten caught in the thorns.
But only one thought had pierced her shocked mind, and no, it was not about whether Sasuke was ok...
It was, 'Who is that awesomely hot sexxy guy standing there?'
Itachi knew he was being stared at by a rather mindless girl who had to be about 5 years younger than him and a useless wimp, so he decided he might as well go and see if his little brother was dead or not.
When Itachi started walking towards her, Sakura almost felt her heart burst out of her chest. 'He's coming to ask me out on a date!' she squealed inwardly. She patted herself down and put on her brightest and cutest smile and opened her mouth to say something flirtatious…
And Itachi walked right past without sparing her the slightest glance. Sakura froze in shock as she replayed the scene over and over in her mind, searching for hidden hints he may have given her as a 'yes' sign. After a while, she realized that his hand had twitched ever so slightly right when he was closest to her.
'That is a definite sign of approval!' cheered inner Sakura.
'Heehee, he must be so shy to not say so right out!' cheered the normal Sakura.
The real reason for Itachi's little twitch was that he had thought it would be so very easy to just reach out and grab that little neck and squeeeeeze… but then he stopped himself and continued strolling nonchalantly towards the fallen house where Sasuke was presumably buried.
"Sasuke, where are you?" he called in his creepiest voice (which was pretty damn creepy) and rummaged through the rubble. After overturning a couple walls, he found Sasuke, unconscious and practically dead (but not quite) and decided that he might as well take him to the hospital. Then again, all the little insignificant shinobi would come out and try to attack him if he went into any populated areas… hmm, what was he to do?
'Ahh, oh well. I'll just take him to the Kyubi container's house.' He finally decided, not knowing what else to do. Even though he was usually sadistically traumatizing his otouto, he actually, deep inside, REALLY deep inside, kinda sorta didn't really want him to die. For unknown reasons. Which is the only reason Sasuke is still alive after all this time.
So Itachi took his little brother to our little ramen bowl of sunshine's apartment. Naruto just happened to be home, nursing his injuries (both mental and physical) from Sakura earlier on, and was frankly a little shocked to see his (almost) worst enemy and his (kind of) best friend together. With Sasuke being nearly dead, of course, and Itachi looking a little pissed.
"Naruto-kun, would you give Sasuke and me shelter from a pack of rabid girls?"
Naruto blinked a couple times, then said, "Sure…"
Itachi immediately stepped inside, closed and locked the door behind him, and proceeded to stuff an unconscious Sasuke behind the couch.
"If anyone asks, we're not here." He said, calmly disappearing into thin air after he was sure Sasuke was hidden.
"Err… right…" Naruto said, speaking to nothingness. He stared around for a few seconds, then put his hands behind his head. "Oh well, nothing a bowl of ramen couldn't fix!" he grinned cheekily, and advanced to the cupboard. There were various kinds of ramen all stacked up on top of each other in neat little packets inside. Naruto decided on miso ramen and was just about to rip open the packet when the doorbell rang. A muffled 'meep' sounded from the couch area.
Naruto thought about answering the door, but, you know, that ramen was calling to him. The fact that Itachi had hissed, "Open the door and you die…" Into his ear may have helped as well. The doorbell rang again. Naruto continued peacefully preparing his ramen for consumption.
Suddenly, a shrill voice cried out. "Sasuke-kun's hott older brother and Sasuke-kuuuuuuun! Open the door, we know you're in there!" Naruto heard that voice in his dreams at night.
"Sakura-chan!" he yelped. 'She's finally come to see me!' he inwardly squealed. As you can tell, Naruto hadn't really been listening too closely to what Sakura said. He heard something along the lines of, "I think you're hot, Naruto! Come out here and go on a date with me!"
Naruto rushed to the door, nimbly dodging a now-visible and pissed off Itachi, who tried to grab him (Itachi, miss? Impossible! Must be the psychic vibes the fangirls were giving off) and swinging open the door, revealing a wonderfully horrifying sight.
Girls. Many many girls. Many many many girls. Girls with all types and colors of hairstyles. Girls with pitchforks and torches. Girls slavering at the mouth. Girls reduced to a zombie-like staring mode and drooling voraciously. And the pink one, Sakura.
"Uhhh… Sakura-chan?" Naruto said, numbly staring at the enormous crowd of girls.
"Naruto! Get out of the beeping way!" Sakura shrieked viciously, elbowing her way past poor stunned Naruto into his house, followed by the screaming crowd of fangirls who nearly trampled him into the floor.
Itachi heard the onrushing flood of fangirls break into the Kyubi's shelter and ran for it, conveniently forgetting that Sasuke was still behind the couch and now fully conscious. Smashing a window, he jumped out onto a tree and disappeared.
Now, the fangirls gathered in and around Naruto's house were in two main groups. About half were the shrieking, squeally ditzy kind (Ino and Sakura-like) and the other half were the stalker, creepy kind (like Hinata… although she's cool). The Sakura ones were the ones doing the rushing around and screaming aimlessly and generally not getting anywhere. The Hinata ones were searching the house quietly and drooling large amounts of saliva on the floor.
At some point or another, Sasuke had been discovered behind the couch.
"AAAAAA! NARUTO GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND HELP ME!"
Naruto had been outside as his house was reduced to shambles by rabid fangirls, but he heard the plea for help… and from Sasuke, no less! It was like a dream come true! He could finally prove his worth to his rival. Naruto grinned gleefully as he imagined himself saving Sasuke from a large group of monsters (i.e. fangirls) and then flashing the 'victory' sign. In a best-case scenario, Sasuke would say something akin to "Naruto you're the best! I suck so much!"
Sasuke snapped Naruto out of his giggling fit. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOO! NOT THE HAIR!"
"Oh no! Sasuke!" Naruto shouted as he jumped through a window. A horrible sight greeted him. Fangirls had surrounded a struggling Sasuke and were attempting to cut locks of his hair off as keepsakes.
"Keep him still! Hold him down!" Sakura screeched, brandishing a pair of scissors wildly. But Sasuke wasn't the Uchiha heir for nothing. "Chidoriiii-gak!" The fangirls threw themselves onto him, knocking the wind out of him.
"Sasuke! Kage Bunshin no jutsu!" Naruto yelled, creating a dozen shadow clones who desperately tried to dig through the pile of fangirls.
Fangirls went flying up and around in the air as the Kage Bunshins dug through the humoungous pile surrounding poor Sasuke. "I'm coming, Sasuke!" they all yelled together.
But, there were just too many fangirls to deal with, and when they were thrown off, they simply picked themselves up and threw themselves on again. Plus, they had long fingernails that were as sharp as Itachi's kunais and used them to stab and poke at the Naruto clones.
"The pain!" said one clone as it was poofed out, covered in dozens of little bleeding cuts. The others quickly followed suit until Naruto was left all by himself, desperately trying to reach his friend under the writhing mass of bodies.
But, it became all too apparent that it was impossible, and Naruto was quickly running out of air.
"…Sa…su…ke…" he gasped before he blacked out. Sasuke had blacked out quite a while ago.
So, who will save our heroes? There's only a couple people in the world that could stand up to a crowd of rabid fangirls, and only two were available in Konoha. The first, and most obvious choice, would be Itachi. Because he can do anything. However, Itachi was currently nonchalantly drinking green tea in a shop that was quite far away from Naruto's apartment, and wasn't about to move anytime soon. The second choice… well, let's make you people think about it a bit.
It can't be Kakashi or Jiraiya, because they are perverts and would simply giggle and blush in the background upon seeing this many girls in one place. It can't be a woman… for obvious reasons. I mean, what girl besides Hinata can stand up against Sasuke's charm? Anyone else would join in with the fun.
So, the person would have to be a non-pervert male. Someone who was strong, who could scare the fangirls away without having to resort to too much violence since they were quite young and child violence is generally looked down upon, someone who, in fact, cherished all the people who were in the springtime of their life…
The obvious answer, especially after that last sentence, would be Gai. Gai, who could scare away all the fangirls simply by looking at them (Itachi can do that too, but for completely different reasons). And Gai now chose to make his appearance.
"Dynamic entry!" he shouted as he jumped in through the window, shattering the glass into a billion pieces and somehow managing to not even rip his tight green spandex suit. Fangirls scattered in all directions, but the core of them stayed huddled in a solidified lump around both Sasuke and Naruto, who were in dire need of saving. Luckily, Gai was good at this and was actually part of the Konoha District Anti-Fangirls Special Forces Unit.
"Don't worry, I'll save you!" he said dramatically and flashed his incredibly twinkly scary smile, giving a thumbs-up to the close-to-being-sick fangirls. They ran for their lives, screaming and squealing, hands flailing in all directions, until only Sakura was left. She sat, arms firmly wrapped around her precious Sasuke-kun, face buried into his back as she silently pleaded for the scary man to leave them alone.
Gai did no such thing. In fact, he stayed right where he was and started giving a speech.
"Ah, love, the springtime of one's youthfulness makes such a sweet and hip melody that it brings tears to my eyes. Sakura, you should treasure that feeling forever and ever, until the end of all eternity, for the feeling will never be the same again. I wish that in my spirited youthfulness I had experienced such a wondrous thing…"
Sakura ran away, hands clamped over her bleeding ears and tears flooding down her face.
And so Gai, not Itachi, not Sasuke, not Naruto, was the real hero of this story. Simply because I couldn't think of an ending. And Itachi didn't remember for quite a while that he was supposed to go and get the Kyubi demon. But that's for another time… possibly the next chapter, if I get enough reviews. So, tell me what you think. Truthfully. But not too harsh, ok? I was on sugar high when I wrote this whole thing in less than an hour.
If you reviewers like it enough... then I'll probably kill Sakura next chapter...
