Scene 1-Paris, you know, they're all in Paris now do I really have to tell you?
Authoress: Cue the very dramatic music!
The very dramatic music: is cued
Authoress: Ok, everyone, intermission was grand and jolly besides the minor battle that broke out between the Eponine and Cosette fangirls, but we have since cooked the bodies into meat pies so no one will be able to sue us.
Bahorel: Um, ew? No more Sweeny Todd for you. And since, apparently "self-insertion quickly gets boring" we should probably start the show.
Authoress: Very well.
Enjolras: My sole purpose in life is to sing inspirational songs and give out plot points. Oh, here's one. I need someone to spy on the National Guard, because they are totally not just camping out on our doorstep.
Javert (wearing sunglasses): Me! Me! Pick me!
Enjolras: You, with the shades.
Javert: Yippee!
Jehan: Oh my gosh I have a line! (dies from the shock of it)
Bahorel: (grumbling) Where would you be without me? No poet and no lead, that's for sure. (uses his super powers to bring Jehan back to life).
Authoress: Oh my gosh. I just realized people are going to die!
Bahorel: No, really?
Authoress: How am I going to parody that?
Grantaire: ANYWAYS, yeah yeah I'm being cynical any second now I'll go on a rant about Greek gods.
L'aigle: Now Grantaire, repeat after me, "All people are basically good".
Grantaire: You keep telling yourself that.
Marius: Oh look it's a little gamin who I suddenly noticed for no apparent reason. Aack, it's a girl! Run! Hide! The end is near!
Eponine: Terribly sorry to offend you so.
Marius: (gets over himself…mostly) Eponine, you gotta get out of here…Enjolras says there's going to be men with guns soon!
Everyone: Isn't that sweet?
Eponine: I'm taking it as a sign of affection.
Marius: Another reason you should get out of here is you could take this letter to Cosette.
Eponine: ...or not.
Everyone: Wait, Marius can write?
Scene 2-Paris, France, Europe, Planet Earth, The Milky Way, The Universe in the year 1832
Eponine: Well the one guy I love loves someone else and is so stupid he doesn't even realize I love him, so yeah, LIFE SUCKS!
Authoress: Can't say you didn't see that coming.
Scene 3-Argentina…No it's actually Paris, big whoop right?
"Rebel Students": We still got the goofy name?
Marius: "Let them come in their legions and they will be met?" Holy cow, I just said a whole sentence that wasn't sappy! (dies from the shock of it)
Bahorel: grumbles and revives him
Authoress: You know, I'm pretty sure that was a typo, it was supposed to be Enjolras or something.
Enjolras: Nah, I get the next one.
Grantaire: And I get the total Grantaire-esque one.
Bahorel: Well, you are Grantaire.
Combeferre, Courfeyrac, and Feuilly: cool "rebel studenty" lines
Army Officer: (has
acquired a magical megaphone) Is this thing on? Oh. Okay. So, you
guys are about to die so just sit tight.
Enjolras: Since you
outnumber us 100 to 1 it is obvious you are lying through your teeth.
"Rebel Students": Hear, hear.
Scene 4-Paris, the barricade at la rue de la Chanvrerie, in factJavert: Lying through my teeth is fun!
Gavroche: Hey guys,
that guy over there with the shades is a police inspector so you
should probably do something about it. And that is why little people
are so cool! Cause I am so cool!
Authoress: HEAR, HEAR!
I love you Gavroche!
Gavroche: is disturbed
Bahorel: We should keep a running count on how many people get disturbed by the Authoress.
Javert: Changed my mind. Lying through your teeth is fun only when you're not caught.
Scene 5-We haven't moved, so it's a bit lost on everyone why this is a different sceneStudents: Eeka-Sheemka, scary guys with pointy sticks and things that make loud noises are coming.
Enjolras: Now would be a good time to start shooting (under breath) Dolts.
Marius: You called? By the way, which way does the hole face… (shoots himself and dies)
Authoress: Look, it's the upper-class twit of the year!
Bahorel: You really gotta stop killing them, there be plenty of that later. (revives Marius)
Scene 6-Still hereAuthoress: Kay, Eponine just took a bullet for Marius. Don't know why, I'd personally shoot him instead, but very heroic of her.
Eponine: And it's started raining. Wow, does life ever suck.
Marius: Um, yes?
Eponine: It wasn't a question dolt. Anyways, yeah, its okay cause I'm dying so I really have more pressing matters on my mind than the weather. Besides, being a fan of botany, I'm happy cause the rain will make the flowers grow.
Marius: You aren't dying. NO NO NO not listening (puts fingers in ears and starts humming)
Eponine: Actually, I am.
Marius: This is too sad. (starts bawling)
Bahorel: Aww, poor guy. (hands Marius a tissue)
Eponine: Aw well, life wasn't a picnic anyway. This rain isn't that bad actually. For one thing, you're actually looking at me. And besides, rain will make the flowers…
Marius: Grow
Eponine: dies
Everyone: cries
Authoress: Wait, Bahorel, can't you revive her?
Bahorel: No, my super power is canoness, so I can only revive them when they aren't meant to die. Besides, who would harmonize with Valjean and Fantine in the finale if she didn't die?
Scene 7-Now I think we're in Café MusainFeuilly: Well, we're gonna die, so who's in for a last intoxicating drink?
MADBBAS (Mothers Against Drunk Barricade Building and Shooting): Tssk. Tssk.
Jehan: Wait, why am I still alive?
Authoress: Are you complaining? It can be remedied. (fingers sharp knife)
Jehan: (quickly) Nope. Life suits me just fine.
Bahorel: Well, enjoy it now cause you got about three more hours of it.
Jehan: gulp
Joly: Wait, he never said his line, and now my real witty one makes no sense.
Authoress: Good, we're trying to keep our rating down.
Grantaire: You know, no one is gonna care when we die.
Bahorel: Aren't you just a little ray of sunshine.
Guys: Yep, let's get drunk.
Girls: Hear, hear.
Marius: I really don't care if I die if Cosette is going to England. You know, she might meet some fop like Sir Percy.
Authoress: Don't insult Blakeney! And you could just drop dead and do us all a favor.
Scene 8-Paris, somewhere in the general area of the barricade, perchance the sewersValjean: Well, I got over my protective father thing and now all I want is the guy my adopted daughter loves to live.
Everyone: We love you St. Valjean!
Scene 9- The Sewers (It even says!)
Thénardier: I am such an evil guy. I'm taking stuff off dead bodies and by all appearances, enjoying it.
Scene 10-Near the Seine, for obvious reasonsJavert: Well, St. Valjean could've killed me and he didn't and this is bad cause it makes me think he could be a good guy and then we would have something in common AND WE DON'T!
Authoress: Yet this is to the same tune as one of his solos, What have I done?
(Ragetti and Pintel suddenly appear)
Ragetti: Now that's what I call ironic. (they chuckle insanely and disappear)
Javert: (blinks) Anyways, well this is in general too confusing for the strict laws in my mind so I'm going to throw myself into the Seine and die (he does so, to an amazing crescendo of music reminiscent of Stars)
Scene 11-SomewhereWomen: Well, all the barricade boys died and this is very depressing but can't say we didn't expect it, just look at 1830 and 1831.
Everyone: cries
Scene 12-Café Musain, I'm guessingMarius: All my friends died so I finally get a song that portrays me as something other than a lovesick puppydog. Is it just me who thinks that was a bit of a high price? The guilt here is amazing, why did I have to survive?
Everyone: feels really really sorry for Marius and cries
Scene 13-Probably a churchChorus: Enough depressing stuff. It's time for a wedding!
Everyone: Did they even wait a day?
Thénardier: Ooh, I was truly evil but I still won, go me.
Mme Thénardier: Yep, if you have no morals you're bound to succeed in this world. Take that message home with you kiddies. There is the slight drawback of eternal damnation though.
Everyone: And sooner than you think. (sharpens knives)
Scene 14-Valjean's Deathbed
Valjean: Yay, I get to see my daughter before I die.
Cosette: NO NO NO. You are NOT going to die. Not listening (puts fingers in ears and starts humming)
Everyone: They really were meant for each other. They got denial down to an art form.
Valjean: Well, if you wish darling, I won't die…or I'll at least try. Doubt I'll pull it off, though. Anyways, I wrote down everything I wouldn't tell you so you will finally know why we have three random houses.
Fantine's Ghost: Come on buster. You've got an appointment with the Boss. We better start praying.
Valjean: Please forgive all my sins, I think I have a whopping twelve of them.
Valjean, Fantine, and Eponine: Yes, please forgive us. We'll even quote the book for you.
Chorus:
Do your hear the people sing
Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people
Who are climbing towards the light.
For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.
They will live again in freedom
In the garden of the Lord.
They will walk behind the plough-share,
They will put away the sword.
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums. It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums.
It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes…
Tomorrow comes!
Fin
