A/N: Sorry for the long wait but I have been busy all week. My truck driver dad was in town for the week so I had been spending most of my time with him. So there's the reason behind the lack of updating. But it's here now, so all is forgiven, I hope... right? Well, anyway. Just recently my muse hit me full force and I was writing this chapter like I had it already written down on a piece of paper next to me and I was just typing away, so I hope you all like it. And thanks again for the reviews. Love them all. And I love you all. You're great. You love me. You really love me. Ahem, sorry. On with the show!
Laugh To Keep From Crying
(by: Madonna)
Rogue sat on the paper covered examining table as she fiddled with her hands in her lap. She was nervous and frightened. She was scared she had some awful disease. She was just happy she had her skin under control in order to get the examination. She had thrown up practically three or more times a day and she was beginning to worry and decided to find a doctor somewhere on the road. Her breath hitched as she watched the doctor walk back into the room while looking at a piece of paper resting on a clipboard in his hand.
"Well, according to your tests, you are one healthy woman." He explained as he glanced at her and then at the clipboard again.
"Why do I keep throwing up then?" Rogue asked with her forehead scrunched.
"Well, probably because your eating for two." He answered as he closed the clipboard and held it to his side with a slight smile on his face.
It felt like Rogue's eyes were bulging out of her sockets and her jaw was touching the floor below her feet. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She must've heard incorrectly. She couldn't be. God, the only man she slept with recently was...
"Oh, god." Rogue whispered more to herself than the doctor.
"Congratulations." The doctor said, ignoring her distress.
No! No congratulations! Rogue thought as she looked up at the doctor with tear filled eyes. Oh, god. What was she going to do? It was obvious who the baby belonged to, but... but she couldn't go back. She couldn't. And the news of him being the father of her baby would most definitely ruin his marriage. No. She couldn't do that. He deserved to be happy with Sherri. And Sherri with him. She couldn't go back with this news. She just couldn't. It was most definitely out of the question. But he did have the right to know, didn't he? Of course he did, but how was she supposed to tell him. Oh, she was even more terrified now than she was when she came into the doctor's office.
"My assitant will help you with the bill at the front desk." The doctor said as he walked out of the room again to allow Rogue privacy to change back into her clothes.
Bill? Oh, god, the bill. She didn't have the money to pay for the bill. Hell, she hardly had money to pay for a decent meal. She knew the only choice she had was to call the professor and ask for his help. She hated doing that. She felt like a mooch. But that was usually for little things and this was important. So she finished changing and walked out the door and went up to the payphone on the wall.
She jammed her hands in her pockets in search for a quarter and felt triumphant when she found one. With a small smile on her face she picked up the reciever and dialed the long distant number to Westchester. With a held breath she listened to the ringing. Anticipation rising as she waited for someone to pick up.
"Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters." She heard the professor say and breathed a sigh of relief for him answering.
"Professor. It's Rogue."
"Rogue, dear. How are you?" Rogue could hear in his voice that he already knew it was her before it even rang.
"Been better. Listen. I need a favor and I wouldn't normally ask, but..." Rogue started but the professor interrupted her.
"Just send the bill to me. Don't worry about it." He said and she could hear a smile on his face.
"You know?" Rogue asked. Panic rising in her gut.
"Don't worry, Rogue. I only know you're at the doctor's. I hope you're alright." He replied.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just had a little bit of the stomache flu." Rogue lied and she probably figured he knew she had. But he wasn't letting on.
"Good. And don't worry about the money. It's alright."
"I just hate asking you for money." Rogue said with guilt in her voice.
"I understand if it were a pair of shoes. But this is a hospital bill. There's a big difference, Rogue." The Professor laughed out slightly.
"Okay, thank you, Professor." A small smile formed on her face as she spoke; feeling slightly better about the situation.
"Anytime, dear." He replied.
"I'll talk to you later." Rogue said as she ran a hand through her hair.
"Okay, you take care."
"I will. Oh, and Professor."
"Yeah."
"I'm going to be calling back, later tonight. But it's to talk to Logan." Rogue explained.
"Okay. I'll keep a mental ear out for your call." Rogue couldn't help but release a small laugh at that.
"Okay, thank you." Rogue informed him of her calling later because she didn't want anyone else but the professor answering so he could direct her to Logan's room without a fuss.
"Bye, Rogue." The professor said, and she could've sworn she heard sadness in his voice.
"Bye, Professor." Rogue replied before hanging up the phone.
With a deep sigh she slowly turned around and headed to the front desk. She gave the woman the address to mail the bill and strictly asked to keep her pregnancy confidential in the bill. That was the last thing she needed. She wasn't sure if they added those things in the bill, but it was better safe than sorry. With a small smile of gratitude toward the assistant, she turned and walked out of the building with a hand subconciously resting near her stomach.
I can't lock my door
Oh, I don't have no privacy
The only thing that's mine
Is what's inside of me
Rogue sat in the driver's seat of her car and rested her forehead on the steering wheel. If her life couldn't possibly get anymore complicating, she had to find out she was pregnant. She felt the sting of hot tears hit her eyelids and she didn't even bother to fight them off this time. She was terrified and the tears showed it. What was she going to do? Should she keep the baby? Should she put it up for adoption? What? She had no answers for these questions and she was debating with a voice in her head on whether she should return to the mansion or not. She didn't want her baby growing up without a father but she also didn't want to raise it in such a harsh world. She didn't want it to experience the things she had. Not as a kid. She remembered how hard that was for her; how terrifying it had been. And there was no doubt the baby was going to be born a mutant. Both it's parents were after all. She grunted in frustration as she lightly banged her head on the wheel.
She slowly lifted her head off the wheel and wiped the tears off her cheeks; taking a deep sigh in the process. She could do this. She was tough. Just like she wrote in that letter to Logan... which she never gave. Yeah, real brave there, Rogue. She thought with an eyeroll. God, she could be such a chicken sometimes. She pulled her keys from her small purse and put it in the ignition; starting the car. She slowly placed her hands on the wheel as she stared at the road in the parking lot. She needed more time to think this over.
So, she put the car into drive and turned on the road heading farther away from Westchester. She couldn't go back yet. Hell, she wasn't even sure yet if she was going to go back at all. She knew it'd be the right thing to do, but she was terrified at how she would be viewed. Everyone would know she had an affair with Logan. She'd most likely be considered a slut. Then again, she already felt like one. One step at a time Rogue, just take this one step at a time.
Maybe when she called back, later that night she should inform the professor about it. He'd understand and he wouldn't view her as anything but his young, graduated student, Rogue. One of many that he cared for. But she knew he cared for her more like a daughter than a student. She had gone to his office on many occasions to practice controlling her power and when they succeeded he had said he couldn't be more proud of her. What if this news deflats that pride like a balloon? Oh, she wasn't sure she could take that. No. She would tell the professor. He was the only one she could really trust with it. Yeah, she would have to tell him.
She could feel her heart begin to beat faster at the thought of telling someone she was pregnant. How was she supposed to even begin telling him? She gripped the steering wheel tight and swallowed a lump in her throat at the thought. She felt like a wreck. It suddenly dawned on her how stupid she had been. She thought she had some stupid disease when it turned out she was pregnant. She hadn't even noticed that she skipped a period. Of course, with all that was going on with her leaving the mansion and Logan, it never dawned on her to notice. Or even care for that matter. Her heart was in too much pain to really notice anything else.
When I've had enough
A little voice inside
It says you've got to be tough
You've got to take it in stride
She made up her mind. She was going to keep the baby. It's that old saying that did her in. Take responsibility for your actions. And that's what she was going to do. She wasn't going to hand her baby off to someone she didn't even know and hope they raise it well. No way. The baby was hers, so therefore, her responsibility. Now if only she could get up the courage to tell Logan.
She touched her stomach with her right hand as she kept her left hand on the wheel and glanced down where her hand lay. She didn't consider the baby an accident or a mistake. A suprise, yes. But never a mistake. It was an unexpected gift. She smiled as she remembered when she was younger, thinking she would never become a mother. There was no way with her skin. But now she had the one thing she never thought she'd have. She was going to be the one thing she never thought she could be. A mother. She was going to have a baby. Her smile grew with her thoughts and tears of happiness fell down her face.
The only problem with the situation was the father. And the fact that the father was a married man. She fought back a different set of tears as the thought of him filled her mind. She still had no idea if she was going to tell him or if she should just live somewhere away, far far away, from Westchester and raise the baby on her own without his knowledge of even having a kid out there.
She began to wonder if her baby was his first. He did sleep around alot before he met her. So the idea wasn't impossible. In fact, it was highly possible there was another woman out there with Logan's child. She closed her eyes tight for a moment as the thought crossed her mind. It ached in her heart to think about all the women he probably slept with. With a deep sigh she shook the thought away before she could dwell on it any longer.
Sometimes I am foolish
I let it get the best of me
At least I know that my mistakes
Are my responsibility
And
She released a small laugh as she fought back the tears. It was all she could do really. She didn't want to cry. In fact, she refused to. But she couldn't think of any other way to fight the tears that screamed to fall. She angrily wiped away a tear that escaped her eyes and set her hand back to the wheel, only to grip it tighter. She was so lost. She had no idea what she was going to do with this life. The one growing inside her. She wanted the best for it, but she couldn't give it the best. Not out here in the real world. The thought of raising it outside of the mansion terrified her to no end, but she was scared to go back there. She thought maybe, it'd show weakness. That they would think she couldn't make it out there on her own. Which wasn't true.
She could survive outside the mansion life. If it were just her she could. But now she had someone else with her and with the way she was living right now wasn't healthy for her, she knew. She hadn't really cared at the time, but now she did. Her unhealthiness, meant the baby was unhealthy. She couldn't handle the thought of that. She had to take better care of herself. More eating and more sleeping. It was for the baby's own good.
Her money was still tight, but she was sure she could scrounge up something. Maybe when she ate at a cafe she could tell the waitress that she was pregnant and she would give her something for free. Or really cheap. She knew it was low, but she'd do anything to make sure her baby was born healthy. Anything.
I just have to laugh to keep from crying
I just have to laugh to keep from crying
Out here in the real world she didn't have the money to buy the necessaties for her baby. It hurt her to know she was incapable of taking care of it properly outside of the mansion. She knew she relied on that place too much, but being a mutant, you almost had to. The mansion was the safest place a mutant could be. Sure it was attacked by Stryker's men, but that was the first time, and hopefully the last, the mansion was ever attacked. She doubted it'd be the last, but she'd still know her child was in good hands. She was in good hands. Until she fled from the place, giving the lame excuse that she had to find herself.
It was such a good excuse, she almost bought it. But now, now she knew she was running away from the thing that frightened her. That hurt her. Logan. The thought of not fully being with him hurt and frightened her more than she could have ever imagined. But now, the fact that she was carrying his baby scared her even more. Would he be happy to hear the news? Would he run from it like he had with so many other things? These questions made her fear grow all the more and she was leaning more towards not saying anything to him.
But she knew she couldn't do that. The guilt would become too strong and eventually she'd break down and tell him. And she knew she wouldn't be able to look at her child without seeing him in it's eyes. She started wondering what gender it was. She was slightly hoping for a boy. A smaller version of Logan. She couldn't help but smile at the cuteness of that thought. A girl would be cute too. If Logan agreed to being the father of his baby, she could just imagine how protective Logan would be with their little girl. Especially when she wasn't so little anymore and started going on dates. Rogue laughed at the idea; imagining it all in her head.
Oh, how she'd love to watch her baby grow up around it's father. How much fun it would be to sit back at watch them play in the lawn, or lean against the doorframe to it's bedroom; listening as Logan read it a bedtime story. Ugh, when the baby got bigger she was going to see what sex it was so she could stop calling the baby 'it'. That was on the top of her things to do for the baby. That and, again, make sure she remained healthy to insure the baby would be healthy as well.
I don't have a dime
Oh, to buy those pretty things
But I hear all the evidence
You know it sounds the same
Rogue pulled into the parking lot of an old motel. She checked in and stepped into the room she was given. It was a grungy looking place, but it was better and had to be more comfortable than her car. Most nights she slept in the back seat of her car and hardly got a good night's sleep, but now with the baby she decided a motel would be much more appropriate if she were to get a decent night's sleep.
She set her suitcase down at the foot of the bed and sat down, tucking the suitcase behind her lets, still holding onto the handle. She scanned the room and crinkled her nose in disgust. She was beginning to wonder if the room itself was healthy. The once white walls where now a yellowish brown color from water stains... and other stains. She was almost afraid to go near the walls. The carpet had things inbedded in it and she knew right then she wasn't going to walk around the place barefoot.
She layed back on the bed and repostioned herself in an attempt to find a spot where there weren't springs digging into her flesh. She failed miserabley and gave in to sitting up again. She looked behind her and noticed an old off-white colored phone resting on a nightstand by the bed. She looked at her watch and then at the phone; debating on whether she should call Logan now. She knew it was late, but she also knew she had to call him. So with the final decision in mind, she crawled across the bed, picked up the receiver and dialed the number once again to the mansion in Westchester.
But I'm still waiting
I've got my hands open wide
You know my dream isn't fading
I keep it hidden inside
Oh, I just have to laugh to keep from crying
I just have to try
