Note: I do not own "Constantine", nor do I own "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day." Balthazar's not gonna have a very good week. Rating will continue to go up. Sometimes OOC. Oh, well.


Balthazar and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day, Part Three

It was warm.

His face was warm.

Balthazar opened his eyes slowly.

The sun was filtering through the westernmost windows' Venetian blinds. He squinted a little, then sat up.

He'd been sleeping on an old, small mattress. He stood up, looked around and noticed he hadn't a stitch on. He was indignant for a moment, then realised that since he was not in the possession of any sexual organs, that it didn't really matter anyway. He shrugged and went to find his suit.

The door to the bedroom was open, and he walked through it into the long main room. Chas was sitting at the table, a stack of books surrounding him on all sides. He was pouring over some arcane manual of something, muttering away to himself and taking scrawling notes on a scrap of paper.

Balthazar cleared his throat, and Chas nearly jumped out of his seat.

"Oh, I forgot." Chas didn't look up, but gestured to a chair on the other side of the table. It had not his suit, but a different, still nice-looking outfit.

"John said that if you're going to have to human for a while, you may as well look the part." he turned around and raised an eyebrow. Then he gestured to the kitchen. "If you're hungry, you can make yourself a sandwich. John's out at the doctor's, and I'm very busy." he turned back and continued to take notes.

Balthazar took all this in. Then he walked slowly and purposely over to the chair and took the clothes. He lifted his chin.

"I liked my old suit better."

"Then make it reappear." Chas deadpanned, still scribbling away.

The half-breed huffed and donned the new clothing. It was his size, and wasn't uncomfortable.

"I suppose it will have to do." he muttered, staring down at his sleeves. They were a bit too long, nearly covering his palms.

"Roll up the sleeves." Chas noted, gesturing with his pen. Balthazar looked at him.

"Don't tell me you've never…" he put a hand to his forehead. "Fine, come here."

Balthazar walked obediently over. Chas folded up the sleeves to the perfect length and flattened the crease with his fingertips. They were cool on the half-demon's warm skin, and it gave Balthazar a little bit of a shock.

Chas sat back and looked up expectantly into Balthazar's face.

"Don't I get a 'thank-you'?" he asked.

"You think?" John said, coming in and closing the door behind him. "He's a demon, Chas, he's not gonna say anything that might jeopardise his chances of getting back into the fold." He took out a cigarette and lit it.

Chas looked towards his mentor. "What happened? You're upset."

John did indeed look upset. "Fucking doctor told me the cancer's gotten too large to remove by surgery. Looks like my only choice is dyin', kid."

"Oh." the youth said quietly.

Balthazar looked down and away.

"So," John said, taking a puff and turning to Balthazar. "How's our 'guest' this evening?"

"Fine." Balthazar quipped softly, crossing his arms. "Where's my old suit?"

"Oh, that." John took the cigarette out and tapped it before returning it to his hungry mouth. "Threw it out."

"Threw it out!" exclaimed Balthazar. "What ever for?"
"It was totally fucked up."

The half-breed looked at Chas for a translation. "It was beyond the human ability to repair." he tilted his head. "That tumble you took off the roof ripped your suit in like, a million different places. And without your powers holding it together, it practically fell apart."

"Oh." Balthazar swallowed. "I see."

"Be grateful you're wearing anything at all." John chuckled. "I could have left you with nothing, you'd be walking around L.A. totally naked. And you'd have a lot of explaining to do, you fucking eunuch."

The half-demon sniffed. "Just because I — "

"Oh, shut up, I can't concentrate." interrupted Chas, clearly irritated. "If you're gonna argue, go somewhere else."

"Gladly." John said sarcastically, and went into the adjoining kitchen.

Balthazar paused a moment, then followed him in.


It was finally evening.

Balthazar was just waiting for John and Chas to finish up a demon's slaying, he was waiting near an alley close by.

He'd refused to help, it would jeopardise his chances to get back.

The wind swirled behind him.

He didn't turn.

But he should have.

"Well, well, well. What have we here?"

Balthazar tilted his head back and gasped. He turned slowly.

"You, my little subordinate, have displeased me yet again."

"H-how so, sir?" gasped the half-breed, scared.

"You're acting human." Lucifer grinned foully. "I think I know the perfect punishment." he lifted a hand.

Balthazar tried to open his mouth, tried to respond but he was thrown back into the wall of the ally.

"You want to live like human?"

The voice echoed in the empty alleyway.

Balthazar suddenly realised he was panting heavily and couldn't stop himself. He tried to focus, but just couldn't.

"Hey."

Balthazar whirled around.
"You got any cash?"

It was a menacing-looking older teen.

"Cash?" Balthazar said weakly.

"Huh." the other said, grinning. "You'll have to pay me another way, then."

"Oh no." Balthazar whispered, backing up. "No."

"Yeah." said the teen, pulling out his knife and approaching. He had Balthazar up against the wall, knife to his throat and licked his cheek.
"There's always that way."


"…and when that happens, don't ever do that again. Now where is — "

"Over there." Chas pointed to the crumpled-up figure of Balthazar at the end of the alley.

They both hurried over.

John leaned down.

"What happened to you?" he said.

Balthazar looked up, pain etched in every line of his face.

"I got a little visit from the Devil." he said softly, gritting his teeth slightly. "He didn't exactly welcome me back with open arms."

Chas saw the ripped shirt, pants, and the blood running down the pavement.

"John." he said, alarmed. "He's bleeding badly. And its…I think…John, I think someone…" he trailed off slowly.

"Let me guess." John said. "I know what happened."

"Yes?"

"He made you human."


End Chapter Three. It's darker from here on in. Review!