Disclaimer: I do not own Ruronin Kenshin or Peacemaker Kurogane.

SakuraShinguji: Yeah, Saitou drafted the article on the street-fighter. His former secretary wrote it. And got beat up for it.

Sailor-Earth: Saitou will be handling the advice segment after much persuasion from his superiors, including Lord Okubo.


The Japan Bulletin

Official Meiji Government Flagship

Issue 3

TERMITE INFESTATION

Citizens of Tokyo are warned of a mysterious outbreak of termites after a large branch fell off a tree outside the Kamiya dojo grounds. Several other trees on the city's outskirts were found with similar damage to the trunks. Termite researchers are puzzled as the trees show no signs of the insects. They came to the conclusion that it was the work of a large or very sharp blade. However, we reassure the public that there are no sword-wielding maniacs attacking our greenery.


Warning: Burglaries up

Several eateries and stores have been burglarized over the past month. Police suspect an inside job. Shop owners are reminded to lock up for the night and be careful who you give the keys to. Please do not hide your keys in the pail outside the door or any similar spots.


STREET BRAWL:

KAMIYA DOJO STUDENT IMPLICATED

A young trainee, Myojin Yahiko, was implicated in a street fight with several men. The reason for the fight was believed to be a pure misunderstanding arising from the men trying to accost a young waitress in the back alley behind a Tokyo eatery. The boy claimed that the thugs were trying to force the girl to act as their accomplice in a burglary. The men have been taken into custody. The boy's guardian, Kamiya Kaoru of the notorious Kamiya dojo, refuses to comment.

(NOTORIOUS! Do you people intend on ruining my dojo? WHACK! Told ya not to go there…)


SERIAL KILLER NOT FORMER ISHIN MAN

Local district officials stress that there is no disgruntled former Ishin assassin with hypnotic powers after top government officials. The recent string of murders was the work of a solitary psychopath and is purely random. Ofiicials also deny that the respected Yamagata-san has contacted Hitokiri Battousai for assistance. If we did find the man, Battousai would have been appointed to the Defence Ministry. We also deny that an innocent young woman was kidnapped by the psychopath to force Battousai into a duel.

On a lighter note, citizens are not to fret over this serial killer. He was found dead in an apparent suicide in a field near the river. We can all rest easy now… Phew!


HEALTH BULLETIN

Citizens were reminded that opium is very addictive and should NEVER be taken without a professional doctor's prescription. If you are an addict and wish to break the habit, go to your local community council and they'll refer you for rehab. Remember, the opium habit KILLS.


NOTICE from Japan Railway Board

There is a perfectly scientific explanation as to how our trains run. They are NOT driven by spirits as some old wives and ignoramuses will have you believe. They are run on engines manufactured with the best of German technology. Steam from the boilers propels our engines forward. Our trains are perfectly safe!


Japan Child Welfare

If you are aware of a child being abused, do NOT hesitate to inform your nearest welfare office. We have heard complaints of children being overworked, hit over the head with a bokken and forced to consume things potentially hazardous to their well-being. There are laws for the protection of our young, well, once they get them formalized in the Diet. Offenders will be severely dealt with.


Warning: Dangerous Thug on the Loose!

Citizens are warned to be wary of a tall, spiky haired man wearing a coat with the BAD character on his back. He is often seen in the company of a small boy with a bokken and a fondness for gnawing on his companion's head. The tall ahou has been implicated in several street brawls and the younger ahou seems to be a follower of his.


Advice Segment

I, Fujita Goro, will be handling this segment because someone insisted on it. (grinds teeth)

Dear Friendly Neighborhood Cop,

I am descended from a proud family of samurai. However, Pops got killed when I was still a baby and Mom was very ill before her death recently. I've been working for a local group in collections to pay off my folks' debts. However, the business is a tad illegal, you know… Ack! I dunno if I should continue with my job or start searching for alternative employment!

- Pickpocket

Dear Pickpocket

So you're that (bleep) ahou who's been picking pockets all over town. You're a disgrace to your samurai folks! You not even worthy of committing seppuku! I'm busy figuring out whether you qualify for Aku Soku Zan. Are you fifteen yet?

- Fujita

Yo! Bootlicking Ishin dog! Everyone keeps speaking ill of my mentor and when I try to knock it into their skulls, a pack of Meiji government dogs try to arrest me. Lay off!

- BAD

YOU! You're that (BLEEP-BLEEPING!) ahou who beat up my secretary! Taro-kun's been taken off the force for medical reasons and I got to do my own groceries! Do you have any idea what marketing is like here? I'll Aku Soku Zan you for sure! Nay, maybe I'll just stab you in your non-vital parts because you are not worthy of my effort to zan you. Small Fry…

- Fujita

Editor's Note: After much consideration, we will be looking for a new advice columnist. Someone more friendly (sweat-drop) Apply at Tokyo police HQ.


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Missing Person:

Pretty female aged 20 plus ran away, er I mean missing. Has long black hair and a pale complexion. I have my ninjas looking for her but should you have any information as to her whereabouts, please contact me at Takeda mansion. You will be handsomely rewarded.

- Perfectly legitimate merchant, Takeda


Employment Opportunity

In light of the increased frequency of pirate attacks on merchant vessels, local shipping firm wishes to hire trained security personnel. Apply via the harbormaster's offices.

Employment:

Secretary to a police officer. Must be willing to do marketing, laundry and general housework. Ability to whip up a tasty bowl of soba at odd hours will be advantageous.

Opening for errand boy

Want agile, light-fingered lad of about ten urgently since my last boy ran off with a hitokiri. Must be reasonably clever and not too annoying. No family preferred. Apply to the 'Chief' at the local gambling den.


Author's Notes:

Saitou's doing the advice column, at least for a while. This friendly neighborhood cop isn't that friendly. Now we know why he HATES Sano so much. Sano's not exactly polite either. Imagine Saitou doing chores about the house. Poor secretary. Can you imagine being Saitou's personal assistant?

Please Read and Review. Write in for advice to our Friendly Neighborhood Cop! (grin)