Disclaimer: I do not own Ruronin Kenshin or Peacemaker Kurogane.
Lolo: Chief Uramura can take the advice segment, but seriously, do you think he has as much life experience as our Wolf of Mibu?
Sakura-Shinguji: Yeah, Kenshin will be good for advice. However, he doesn't want to work for the Meiji government's offices. He's still a ruronin.
Sadly, this may be the last issue with Fujita giving advice due to certain developments. However, I have found a wacky replacement.
The Japan Bulletin
Official Meiji Government Flagship
Issue 4
NOTICE FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK
We stress once more that the peasant army led by the fraud Sagara is a sham. For crying out loud, do not be deceived by a foul-mouthed ahou shooting his mouth off in the local tavern and gambling den. The execution of Sagara was perfectly justified and not an attempt by Royalist forces to weasel out of their promises to the public.
- Chief Editor Ikeda Koji
(OW! That naginata… Umeko-san? What are you doing here? Just visiting… You guys haven't a law on naginatas yet, right? Quit slandering those poor lads!WHACK!)
Illegal Military Group on the Loose
Citizens are to beware of a rouge military faction going by the name of the Jimpu Tai. They are highly dangerous and are believed to be responsible for the murders of several respected politicians. Come forward with any information to your local police station.
- Yamagata (Sir! You can't be serious… call you-know-who. Kawaji, I promised to let him be…)
FIGHT AT KAMIYA DOJO?
Dojo owner, Kamiya Kaoru, denies that there was a fight involving a fire eater and one of her lodgers several nights ago. Miss Kamiya also denies that they were sheltering a fugitive from the law in the dojo. Neighbors claimed they heard sounds of a heated battle. Local family physician Gensai was called to the place to treat a young man for burn injuries and a boy for an apparent case of poisoning.
"Sano was simply the victim of a childish prank involving fireworks that backfired on him. As for Yahiko, he simply got stung by a wasp. Please! Be assured we are not being threatened by ninjas or gangsters! And we did not have a cannon fired into our dojo either! We still have vacancies for students!" Miss Kamiya was quoted.
LATEST: Amendment to Sword-carrying Law
The no-sword in public law has been extended to cover naginatas after a madwoman assaulted the chief editor of our flagship paper. The woman is believed to be mentally unsound after the tragic demise of her brother during the Seinan War from an illness of the brain. As such, she will not be charged but detained for medical attention.
DRUG BUST AT TAKEDA MANSION
Police received an anonymous tip-off and raided the home of drug lord and arms merchant Takeda Kanryuu. They found large quantities of processed opium and unprocessed poppies as well as illegal arms including a recently used Gatling gun. Bloodstains were found in the main hall. The informant told police that Takeda had mowed down his ninja team after a management disagreement.
However, no bodies or ninjas were found at the scene. Rumors had it that the ninjas were out to capture an unknown young woman who was processing opium for Takeda after she ran away. They were believed to be responsible for a minor disturbance at a local dojo although the dojo mistress denies this, violently.
Takeda is to be charged with drug-dealing and arms possession according to our laws. Authorities request that a certain rooster-headed ahou not lynch the man over the death of his gambling buddy from an opium overdose and give us some leads to the whereabouts of the ninjas or the mystery female.
A man in a white overcoat was seen leaving the estate with a heavily loaded cart before the police arrived. Witnesses claimed he was mumbling incoherently and in a state of distress.
Advice Segment
More letters, more trash. And the name's Fujita! Friendly neighborhood cop Fujita! Can't believe they warned me to mind my language…
Dear Cop-san,
Everyone thinks I am a violent person. I AM NOT! I'm a pretty, sweet kendo-teaching gal. Why can't people get it into their heads? Okay, so I whack my student a bit as part of discipline. I AM NOT VIOLENT!
- Kendo Gal
You sound like a tanuki. (Definition: raccoon-like creature from Japanese folklore. Very bad tempered and prone to whacking people with a stick.) Quit screeching. We can hear you from our station. Tanuki.
Dear Friendly Neighborhood Cop,
I have been in love with this man for a long time, and I think he loves me too, but I have been waiting forever for him to sweep me off my feet. Am I doing something wrong? Help!
-Smitten
Hn, you should consider something more aggressive. When I professed my love for my wife, she didn't even have the chance to say no. (crosses fingers)
Dear Friendly Neighborhood Cop,
I'm the boss of a gang- Er, security force- of a very rich yaku- Uhem -businessman. When I took the job I brought my four buddies with me to work for him because their professional skills are pretty limited in the Meiji Era, but I figured that in this day and age security for rich folks will soon be a career in high demand. Everything started out fine, until I found out that the man we work for is involved in some very shady business, which my buddies and I have now become instrumental in. I could always quit this job and find other work, but my friends aren't so adaptable to the current era and I'm afraid that if they quit as well they'll end up homeless and starve to death.
What do you think I should do? We're pretty much a set here; if I go they go. But the opportunities for us are pretty slim out there, and this guy does pay us a pretty good salary with excellent medical, dental, 401K, vacation days, and Continuing Ninjutsu Training reimbursement.
sigh I'm really at a loss on what to do.
-Okashira
Hn, now you know why I ditched the old gang from Mibu. You should consider going solo like I did. Considered joining the civil service? We need more guys in the intelligence department. Apply to Chief Uramura, who should be doing this segment but prefers to watch the theater with his wife… Henpecked.
Dear Sir,
I was a kendo instructor who became a hitokiri during the Bakumatsu. However, I have quit and devoted myself to teaching poor kids to read and write. However, one of my best kendo students heads a group of assassins and is trying to force me to join them. I've told him I've given up the sword but he's still insisting. He threatens to harm my current students.
- Remorseful Sensei
Dear Sensei,
Do us a favor and pick up your sword one last time. Three words for you and your student. Aku Soku Zan. Get the hint, hitokiri?
- Fujita
A hitokiri is always a hitokiri. A wolf is always a wolf. (Lights cigarette)
NOTICE:
Guys, I am flattered by your attentions BUT I wish to remind you that I am a trained medical professional. Come to the clinic when and only when you need medical assistance! Ken-san is an exception (Ohohoho…)
Sagara Sanosuke, quit poking fun at my medical skills. I regret that we have yet to find a cure for your obnoxious stupidity.
- Takani Megumi, assistant to Dr Gensai
GENSAI FAMILY CLINIC: We treat all injuries and illnesses, including sword and gunshot injuries.
Wanted: Local trading associate. My last one was just caught red-handed with the goods. Apply to the representative of Yukishiro Enterprises Japan Branch at the Yokohama Budget Mansions.
Wanted:
Quality tombstones for four departed comrades. Contact Shinomori at the abandoned shrine on the hill outside Tokyo. I will be leaving next month for skills training to take down a certain Bakumatsu legend for good.
LATEST FROM THE DESK!
We are glad to announce that we have pressured, I mean persuaded Umeko-san to be our advice columnist from the comfort of her new quarters in the lock up at the local police HQ. Write in to Umeko for advice at Tokyo Capital Police HQ.
Author's Notes:
I've included the Jimpu-Tai incident. And the okashira's letter for Saitou's advice. Of course, it's kinda sad that okashira's really going solo. As for Saitou ditching his Mibu buddies… well… a wolf is still a wolf, even a lone wolf. And he is lying about that part about his wife. (Refer to New Kyoto Post)
Umeko's an OC taken from New Kyoto Post. She used to run a restaurant named Umeya in Kyoto during the late Tokugawa era. She's the elder sister of Katsura, Kenshin's boss from that era. She happened to know Sekihoutai's Sagara and Battousai, and a couple of Shinsengumi members, including Okita and Saitou.
BTW, a naginata's a spear-like weapon.
