Disclaimer: I do not own Ruronin Kenshin or Peacemaker Kurogane.

Lolo: Are you sure Umeko's entirely in her right mind? She has been through a lot. I mean, the death of close friends during the Bakumatsu, her brother's demise...

What happens when Umeko gets visitors, visitors from beyond? PMK Saitou had the ability to communicate with the dead, but not RK Saitou. So guess who the medium is. Or she may be just plain crazy.

I did say I'm sticking with the manga, but some bits of the anime are simply too good to pass up.


The Japan Bulletin

Official Meiji Government Flagship

Issue 6

BOMB ATTACK: Government Offices Hit!

In what is suspected to be an attempt by dissidents to create chaos, a government office was bombed two nights ago. The explosive used were crude and of a homemade nature. Authorities deny that a red-haired man was seen on the premises at one such attack. Or that he fought with a local thug. A clue to the identity of these dissidents is a wood print by artist Tsunan. The print was too badly damaged in the blast to recognize what was on it besides the artist's name. The operandi modus was similar to several other incidents over the past weeks, except looting occurred in the other cases. Investigations are underway.


NO RESORT TAKEOVER

We deny that that the popular hot-springs resort village of Shingetsu has been taken over by a gang of dissidents led by a former Ishin hitokiri by the name of Shishio Makoto. However, due to rumors of a leprosy outbreak, tourists are advised not to visit the said region.

(Fujita-san, who do you have in mind to send as a spy? I think that young detective in that corner. He's got family there…)


MYSTERY WEASEL ATTACKS

Police are puzzled by reports of a series of mysterious attacks on travelers on the forests between Tokyo and Kyoto. Victims claimed that they were attacked by what appeared to be a weasel-like character in ninja garb. The creature threw knives, and kicked its victims before making off with their valuables. The mystery attacker is able to jump very high, has alarming agility and a loud screeching cry. Some claim that the creature's a female human with a long rat tail-like braid.

Police will be increasing patrols along the Tokyo-Kyoto route. The public are advised to stick to the main roads and avoid straying into the forests. Investigations are still underway.


Tokyo Courts: Verdict on Food Poisoning Case

The mass food-poisoning incident at a party held at the Kamiya dojo is caused by negligence on the dojo owner's part in failure to ensure that food was properly stored prior to the party. The party's caterer, Akabeko Restaurant, is cleared of responsibility in the case and health inspectors have given the restaurant a clean bill of health.

Dojo owner, Kamiya Kaoru, is ordered to attend a course on proper food preparation and storage by the court before Kamiya dojo is allowed to cook for its students.


Notice: To Wood Print Artist Tsunan

We admire your work and talent. But we regret that we will not be carrying any more of your Seikihou Sagara prints. They may be artistically pleasing but they are too political for us poor corner shops to carry. May we suggest you turn your talents to a more profitable genre, like erotica?


Advice Segment

Captain Sagara of the Sekihoutai dropped by asking after his two charges. I reassured him they have grown into fine young men who tried to break me out over the weekend. He stayed to play a round of shogi with me. Sigh, the guard outside was wondering why I was playing shogi alone. I don't get many visitors, live ones at least.

Dear Umeko-san,

I have this customer with really BAD credit. I'm running a business, not a charity organization. This punk comes in, eats and strolls out without even paying. What's worse, he enjoys beating up Ishin guys outside my place. However, he's kinda polite to me at times. Call me a fool, but I can't seem to bring myself to sue him for the tab.

- Tae

Dear Tae-san,

Don't sue the boy. I'll get Sagara to speak with him soon over the tab. Maybe you can consider hiring him as a security officer for your place given the rise in violent crimes recently. I understand your dilemma. I used to have similar trouble with several wolves in Kyoto. Of course, I always sent the bill to Okita or the Shinsengumi's treasurer San-nan. Sending it to Hijikata means seppuku for the offenders.

- Yours, Umeko

Dear Umeko-san,

I am being abused by my guardian! She whacks me under the pretext of teaching me kendo. She makes me and the other guys do her chores. On top of it, she poisons us with her lousy (Bleep) cooking! She's an old hag! Then she goes crazy over my idol! It makes me sick… I asked Kenshin for help, but even Kenshin gets bullied into doing her laundry, (shudder) including her underwear! Help!

- Myojin Yahiko, proud son of samurai

Dear Yahiko-kun,

Got your departed parents reading this letter, they insist you continue with your kendo training and not wind up taking after that street fighter you are so fond of fighting with. Stay on till you're 15. Yes, Kenshin's real sweet when it comes to the ladies. If you get a tummy-ache, you do know a good doctor, right? And never, ever insult your sensei. Show her some respect at least. That way, you'll up your chances of seeing fifteen.

- Yours, Umeko

Sagara's former boy terrors, I'm doing well in here. Save your explosives for other purposes.

(Outside Umeko's cell. Guard: Told you we should've have given her that shogi set…She's nuts! Guess we were right to suspend her right to visitors.)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Kindly ignore Umeko's ramblings. She's not quite all up there. Maybe we need a new columnist… Interested parties can apply to our offices.


Notice: We have MOVED!

Fujimoto's Photo Studio is moving to Yokohama after our manager failed to talk sense into a punk and stop him from smashing our goods. Our new place is at 16, Rainbow Walk, Yokohama.


Personal Ad:

In Memory of Captain Sagara. You taught us about equality. I respected and admired you for that. You were wronged by our cowardly government when they decided they needed a scapegoat for their crimes against the people. (Hey! Whadda ya mean I can't place my ad? What? You wanna arrest me for not paying? BASH! POW!)


Personal Ad:

Sano! I know you're still alive. Your reputation precedes you. Two policemen beat up outside the tavern… I recognize your handiwork anywhere! Contact me soon at the print store. You'll recognize a mutual friend there.

-A former comrade (I can't believe I'm forced to put an ad in this paper… Baka Sano…Hope you drop by at my place soon.)


Wanted: Tailor to make uniforms for re-enactment of Bakumatsu battles by History Interest Society. Seikihoutai uniforms in particular. Our last tailor just met with a tragic accident after he failed to keep his trap shut. Apply to our chairman at 7, Traitor's Lane. Discretion preferred.


Author's Notes:

I'm following the anime on the Seikihoutai incident. Hope I got the sequence in the right order. If you are interested in what type of advice Umeko gave out before, you may want to check out the companion fic New Kyoto Post.

Of course, the Japan Bulletin staff has a shocking lack of common sense.