Phtia, Greece
Achilles: Mmm, swordplay is good.
Patroclus: Teehee!
Achilles: Liek OMG, I hear hoofbeats in the distance so I'm going to throw a spear. (Throws spear)
Spear: (Hits tree next to horseback guys)
Odysseus: (Plucks spear from tree) 'Sup dude… 'sup dude who looks somewhat like the first dude but not really okay maybe a little. Playing with swords in an isolated area, I see… a'ight, so who exactly is this second dude?
Achilles: He is most definitely my cousin. Also known as my sex toy. Also known as—
Odysseus: Uh, that's enough. So anyway, we're going to have a big war soon, wot wot?
Achilles: Yeah, so? I'd rather pimp here with my sex toy, yo. Agamemnon's no fun.
Odysseus: Screw Agamemnon, fight for the Greeks! Or me!
Patroclus: Teehee!
Achilles: I dunno, I think I'll avoid giving you a straight answer so you can only underline for the thousandth time how big this war's going to be.
Odysseus: Okay, fine. This war will never be forgotten, yo. Nor will the naked men who show up in it.
Achilles: Now THAT's what I wanted to hear.
Lárisa, Greece
Thetis: What's trippin', son, I'm just making you a seashell necklace since grown men obviously like to wear these things.
Achilles: Uh, right. Hey, should I go to Troy? This scene doesn't advance the plot at all but whatever.
Thetis: Well, if you stay here, you'll find a woman who'll have kids who'll have even more kids and they'll all remember how great your body was.
Achilles: Mmm yes!
Thetis: Except once they're all dead and you're dead no one will remember your extreme sexiness.
Achilles: Well, damn.
Thetis: Sooo… go to Troy! (Game show music plays) Yeah, you'll die there, but hey, the WORLD will remember how great your body was. Not to mention you'll get a chance to compete for the title of Sexiest Man in the Aegean!
Achilles: (Gazes off into the distance, looking profound)
Thetis: Dear, could you stop looking at that lady undressing herself and just listen to me for once?
