Disclaimer: I do not own Ruronin Kenshin or Peacemaker Kurogane.
YamiChikara: Kenshin was trying to write in to Umeko. He hasn't heard about her breakdown from Megumi or the others yet. He obviously hasn't paid her a visit.
SailorEarth13: Kenshin purposely used his real name so Umeko will have no doubts as to the exact nature of his problem. She knew all about Kenshin and Tomoe from back then. He should have used Kenni or the Page as his alias. But then Saitou wouldn't know it was him to give him a reply…
M.Kasshoku: Sano paying for lunch? Not in a hundred years, too bad, Tae. He was referring to paying for the repair of his Zanza (that large sword he used to challenge Kenshin back then). Kenshin broke it in the following battle. Our columnist's gonna apologize to his wife now.
Lolo: Yep, I like the Jinchu arc, too bad it appeared that they didn't do an anime on that part of the manga. Reluctance to conclude the series?
An obituary. Eulogy by Myojin Yahiko. Your local tabloid editor gets more flak from the official authorities.
The Japan Bulletin
Official Meiji Government Flagship
Issue 16
TOKYO: Brawl Death at Dojo
A brawl at the Kamiya dojo in Tokyo ended in tragedy when the dojo owner, Kamiya Kaoru was killed. Eyewitnesses stated that the dojo was attacked from a hot-air balloon and that several freaky-looking persons challenged the dojo's residents. A police officer arrived on the scene mid-way through the brawl.
The mastermind, a gangland chief from Shanghai known as Yukishiro Enishi, made his getaway under a smoke screen after he challenged Himura Kenshin, a freeloader at the place. It is believed that Miss Kamiya was stabbed through the heart by Enishi as he made his getaway in the smoke.
However, police managed to arrest three dangerous criminals and a monster. They also recovered a weird puppet thingy. Forensics has taken the evidence in for analysis. The three criminals will be charged for causing harm to persons and property. Officer Fujita is making arrangements to send the monster off to Hokkaido where its unusual body structure will assist in the mining industry there.
A young man and a student were injured in the brawl and are currently being treated at local clinic. Tsunan! The police got there on time okay? Kindly stop accusing us of incompetence or you will find yourself in a cell in scenic Hokkaido.
OBITUARY: Big Turnout at Funeral of Local Girl
Hundreds turned up for the funeral of local girl Kamiya "Tanuki" Kaoru. Miss Kaoru was murdered at her dojo a few nights ago. She was a kendo instructor of the Kamiya Kassim Ryu, Sword of Life, kendo school. We will miss the sight of this spunky young woman as she chases her housemates through town with her trademark bokken. Her best and only student Myojin Yahiko delivered the following eulogy for his sensei.
"Kaoru-san, my respected sensei, know that you are sorely missed by all. Indeed I will miss the constant whacks from your bokken as you try to impart your wisdom to me. I will also miss the nights of agony after consuming one of your home-cooked meals stuffed full of your love, and some dubious ingredients. Kaoru-san, you were a violent hag in life who delighted in bullying Kenshin , Sano and me into doing the housework. Still we miss you…"
Another close friend, Takani Megumi, was quoted as saying: "Kaoru! You promised not to get killed for Kenshin's sake! How could you! What's worse, he has run off without giving me a chance to comfort him!" The distressed woman was escorted off by a street punk.
The street punk was later detained by police after he smashed a photographer's camera while screaming that his soul was being stolen. The exasperated photographer, known to be reporter of a local tabloid was quoted as saying: "Sano! For the hundredth time, cameras do not steal souls! That was The Whole Picture's only camera! Now I have to capture the funeral in wood-print! And what have the police done to catch the murderer of Miss Kamiya? Their top cop just sits about smoking!"
Officer Fujita assures all that they will look into this foul murder and all leads will be pursued. He requests that two young ahous quit harassing him and his men. "Rooster-head, don't you have your own gang of ahous to look for that person? Quit pestering me." He will share any information on the case with them as he deems fit. As for a certain tabloid reporter, he better watch his step or a broken camera will be the least of his worries.
MIBU: Shinsengumi Grave Marker Goof-up
Members of the Shinsengumi Veterans Club were left red-faced when a young out-of-town visitor pointed out an error in the grave marker at Mibu pet cemetery for their proud mascot. The marker dedicated to Saizou, the pig mascot of the group, read "Saitou the Pig" instead. The marker was commissioned by the Veterans Club. It was alarming how the mistake went unnoticed for so long.
The sharp-eyed youngster, who called himself Ruronin Soujirou, was seen grinning with mirth as the marker was hastily removed. The boy broke into all out laughter when Nagakura, former Second Captain of the Shinsengumi, put out his back from the effort. Soujirou claims that he was on his way to Kyoto to pay his respects to several deceased acquaintances, including one who had committed suicide in jail recently.
Surprisingly, the boy was offered a role in the latest play by the Sheiken Dojo Memorial Hall for his uncanny rendition of the late Okita's trademark smile. The play has been on hold for months as the producers were unable to find someone suitable to play the role of Okita Souji.
"He is perfect! He has captured Okita-san's playful side with such panache! And he's been trained in kendo too," stage manager and director Ichimura Tetsunosuke was quoted. The Hall will be holding auditions for a pig to play Saizou. Mrs Ichimura is also putting out a request for ankle and shin guards as well as steel-cap boots for her husband.
YOKOHAMA BASEMENT HORROR!
Authorities were called to a mansion in Yokohama after neighbors complained of a foul stench from the premises. They found the building apparently abandoned. The stench was traced to the basement which an unnamed blond constable described as a butcher shop. Human remains were found strewn over the floor and furniture. Investigations are underway. Police appeal for information as to who had rented the mansion.
Advice Segment
I am busy! Uramura's on medical leave and I got to cover for him as well… Quit writing in with your pathetic problems!
Dear Cop,
No one appreciates my realistic, beautiful and powerful dolls! Pah! I can make a doll so realistically you can't tell it from a real person! I have built a puppet that will be the undoing of the greatest of warriors! But my current employer doesn't give a damn about my art! I think I'm in danger of being retrenched! How can I make him more appreciative of my contribution?
Great Doll-maker Gein
What? You're still playing with dolls? Get a life! I have better things to do than reply to an egoistic excuse for an artist! In fact I hate artists, especially that wood-print artist turned editor… Hey, Tsunan! I do not pick up blond weirdoes in shady soba shops as you chose to put it! Spread such lies again and I'll drop by your place to put you out of business permanently.
Dear Wolfie,
I'm married to a certain policeman/advice columnist who nowadays, can't seem to check-in for at least 5 minutes to let me know that he's still alive. The last time he came home he dumped a kid on me and then took off again! I do realize that his work is dangerous, and I know that he's very busy but I did get a little restless when I didn't hear word of him at the end of his last mission. It makes me wonder about our relationship. Before I was able to actually marry him he kept postponing our wedding date! What are your thoughts on this?
Not Mrs. Wolfie
Er, I got to attend to some personal matters so I referred the rest of your letters to Umeko-san at her padded cell in the nut-bin until further notice. Good luck as to whether she is sane enough to give out any decent advice.
(Know anywhere I can get my wife's favorite French bon-bons? A pair of seats at the theater will be nice…)
Dear Fujita-sir,
Our friend Kenshin has gone missing. We can't find him. He was badly hurt and we fear for his safety. You see, he also suffered a severe emotional shock with… sob… Kaoru-san's… death… Can you find him please?
Tsubame
Dear Tsubame,
Rest assured that Kenshin is alive and fully able to care for himself. He just needs some timeout.
Yours, Umeko
Hey, Ken-chan, you better buck up! Your friends are waiting! Please, think of her!
Editor's note: Write in to Aunt Umeko while Fujita's away on official business. Contrary to rumors spread by some two-bit tabloid rag, we treat her very well. She has free food, board and medical attention. All courtesy of our terrific Meiji welfare system.
Assorted Advertisements
Kamiya-san. Found the book you wanted. On our way to deliver the goods. Making a detour to pay respects to Hannya and gang. Try to stall that angry brother-in-law or other. – Shinomori Private Investigations
MISSING: Himura Kenshin aka Himura Battousai. Last seen in a deep state of shock, wearing a pink gi and white hakame. If you have any information on his whereabouts, contact us at the Kamiya Dojo or Gensai Family Clinic immediately. He is severely injured and needs immediate medical attention.To WOLF, pay up for that 10-yen for the obituary ad! – BAD
FOR LET or SALE: Kamiya dojo land parcel. Need massive rebuilding of buildings. Small and cozy. Apply to my buddy, Yahiko. (Kamiya dojo can't be finished… Sano! Where are you off to? SANO!)
Author's Notes:
Assumption: Tetsu survived the Bakumatsu and had a career change. Mrs Ichimura? Guess who…
Soujirou returns! As to Souji, well, Emiko the psychic isn't allowed to put out ads in this paper any more. Maybe Okita's guiding his son along here. I mean, Soujirou actually stopped at the Mibu Pet Cemetery? Thank you to MisBehavin for the Saitou-the-Pig grave marker. Poor Nagakura. He is getting old.
A certain okashira and his young charge are a tad late. And never ever get Yahiko to give a speech at the funeral.
