Disclaimer: I do not own Ruronin Kenshin or Peacemaker Kurogane.

SailorEarth13: I am glad my attempt at bringing humor to an otherwise somber issue worked. Yes, Tetsu and Saya are married in this fic. More later from the PMK cast?

Lolo: What makes you think Tokio's that patient?

YamiChikara: Yeah, Saitou's busted alright.

M.Kasshoku: Knowing how clueless Tetsu can be… well…

GirlWaterShaman: Yahiko sure sucks at eulogies.

Veteran services? Cemetery explosions? Killer litter? Misao needs to improve her aim? What about aromatherapy treatments for former hitokiris? Read on!


The Japan Bulletin

Official Meiji Government Flagship

Issue 17

TOKYO CEMETERY BLAST MYSTERY

Tokyo Public Cemetery was rocked by a fiery explosion late last night. The cause of the blast remains unknown. Several grave markers were destroyed by the force of the blast and the ensuing fire. Police arrived on scene after the fire burnt itself out. Authorities deny that the blast was the result of a ninja death-duel.

The epicenter of the blast is near the grave of Kamiya "Tanuki" Kaoru, a kendo instructress who was murdered about a week ago. Rumors are rife that a drugged Kamiya was seen being carried onto a ferry after her funeral. However, a highly-skilled doctor has confirmed that Kamiya is definitely dead at the murder scene.

Kamiya Kaoru is dead, period. A certain okashira is requested not to spread outlandish tales of realistic dolls crafted from dead bodies by request of an annoyed physician with a local clinic. Old wives are requested not to spread rumors about zombies or other ghost stories. You are scaring the children.

Ina separate incident several nights ago, a night watchman passing the cemetery on his rounds reported several shadowy figures with spades on the grounds. He did not hang around to find out more under the belief that they were spirits. The figures were described as two tall, one middle-height and two short.


KILLER LITTER: Girl Charged

In Tokyo, a young woman, Makimachi Misao, was held for killer litter when she threw a spirit tablet and altar out of a local dojo. The tablet narrowly missed hitting a local policeman. Officer Fujita Goro recounts the incident: "I was patrolling near the Kamiya Dojo when this weasel throws this spirit tablet out. If it weren't for my quick reflexes honed by my years in a Kyoto peacekeeping unit, I could've been severely wounded."

The perpetrator is described as a ninja with a long braid. Her guardian, who claimed to be an innkeeper from Kyoto, explained that she was in a state of emotional instability caused by a revelation about the death of a friend. As she was considered a minor, she was sentenced to two weeks' community service instead of a fine. She was overheard muttering: "Must improve aim, must improve aim…"


National Health Board Bulletin

We urgently need qualified physicians willing to work in the Aizu domain. Our fees are so-so but you can really make a difference here. Our current health facilities are understaffed and overworked. We assure you that we do not have any prejudices against the citizens of the Aizu region and we are trying our hardest to cut down infant mortality rates there. Currently, the child mortality figures for Aizu are the second highest in Japan, next to Hokkaido's.

We will accept applications from men and women alike. Past brushes with the law will be overlooked. Must be dedicated and willing to serve the people. Apply to the nearest National Health Centre branch.


NOTICE

Tokyo Land Developers wish to state that they will be building modern-type houses on the land parcel outside Tokyo city limits. We will be accepting bids for construction once we have cleared the illegal squatters on the site.

WANTED: Brave, strong men willing to take on fifty-plus desperate ronin-type losers from the worst slum-area in Tokyo. Will pay for medical and funeral expenses.


New Play at the Hall

The Vice-chief and I, the latest play by aspiring stage-manager-turned-director Ichimura Tetsunosuke, will be debuting at Tama's Sheiken Dojo Memorial Hall. The play has been touted as a comedy. The opening will be scheduled to coincide with the opening of the new Memorial Hall Museum building. Proceeds from opening night will be donated to Mibu Orphanage. Tickets are on sale now at your nearest Bakumatsu Veteran Affairs Office.


Notice from the Bakumatsu Veteran Affairs Office

The Veteran Affairs Office informs veterans still suffering from nightmares as a result from their years as a hitokiri or from similar occupational trauma that we have launched a new aromatherapy treatment course to sooth your troubled minds. Let the delicate fragrances of lavender and other herbs relax you and ease your pains. The course will be subsided 60 percent by the Veteran's Fund if you worked for the Ishin. We regret that the same rates do not apply to members who worked for the Shogunate unless you have proof that you are currently employed in the Meiji government's service.

Special notice to Saitou Hajime:

You have missed all your appointments since last year. If you wish to end your treatment, kindly let our psychiatrist certify your recovery. Do not try Gatotsu-ing him like the last time. And quit going on and on about your unfinished business with some red-haired Battousai guy. Your Aku Soku Zan's freaking the others out, considering some of them are on your list of to-zans.


Advice Segment

Fujita, or Saitou, is still busy, so I am still handling the letters from my ward. At least the food here's better than what they dished up in the lock-up. Must get recipe from the nurse. The Shinsengumi spooks took off to Tama for old times' sake, and catch some play about their vice-chief. Hijikata's not too happy… Okita is very glad about a friend talking some sorely-needed sense into a certain promising youngster's head and that youngster finally falling in with a better crowd… Er, Okita calls his retired wolves a better crowd… (Sweat-drop)

Dear Umeko,

I don't know what to do. My sensei's dead, my friend Kenshin's taken to living in a rubbish dump. We tried to talk him round but he isn't listening. Doesn't he know his wounds will get infected if he doesn't get them treated? And my other friend, Sano's skipped town. He advised me to skip town too as everything at Kamiya dojo is finished. Is it?

Kamiya Dojo Student

Dear Student,

I will get Kenni's late wife Tomoe to speak to him, if she drops by. He will come round soon. As for Sano, if he hasn't changed in ten years, he'll be highly-strung and raring for a fist fight. So it is best he goes out of town to relieve his stress. You don't want Fujita to haul him in for brawling in Tokyo, do you? Don't give up yet.

My prayers are with you, Umeko

Dear Miss Umeko,

I live in a place that shall go unnamed (suffice to say that its name begins with a 'R'), and recently a silent man with bright red hair and a pink gi showed up out of nowhere and sat down against a wall. I can't seem to get him to do anything at all, not even move! What should I do?

Old Man

Dear Old Man,

Sounds like your friend is in a state of shock. Try aromatherapy. Maybe a soothing white plum fragrance?

Yours, Umeko

Dear Umeko-san,

I am a waitress at an inn in Kyoto. I recently met this amazing man and I fell totally in love with him on the spot. He is so powerful, regal, drop dead gorgeous, and he's a master of this fabulous ancient sword style. The problem is that my co-worker seems to have the hots for him too. She and I get along and everything, but I think my feelings for Hik- UM! -I mean this man, are much more sincere. Now, she knows how I feel about him but she insists on pursuing him anyway. Gr! I'm about to fling every single shuriken I own at her!

Ninja Waitress

Dear Ninja,

Tried asking the man yet? Ask him first. If he chooses you, you can rub it in your co-worker's face. If he chooses her, you can use your shuriken on the both of them. If he is still undecided, take pre-emptive action. All's fair in love and war.

Amused, Umeko


Assorted Advertisements:

Black Skeleton Gein! I demand a refund! The little-sister doll you sold me for my daughter has started giving off a foul stench and turning up maggots! If not, I'll sue you in the Small Claims Court! Master doll-maker indeed! Pah!

WANTED: Tough guy to beat up stubborn old coot in a highway post town. Be warned that the coot is a good fighter and has already taken out six of my fighters. Apply to the chief at local gambling hall next to Sakura-ya Provisions, Shinshu.

NOTICE! Kamiya Dojo NOT closed! I, Myojin Yahiko, will be giving kendo instruction in the Kamiya Kassim Ryu, once I get registered as a qualified instructor by the Japan Kendo Association. Anyone knows the minimum required age? WHAT? 15?

Fellow ninja Misao-chan, I appreciate your interest in purchasing our product. However, it appears you are mistaken about my clan's special Medicine of Life's properties. Our secret concoction does not bring the dead back to life. It is a tonic that promotes good health and boosts immunity against illness. However, I strongly discourage it if you intend to purchase it for a certain lecherous old ninja. For that old lecher, I recommend our new Libido-down. Lady Ayumi of the other ninja clan from the mountains wishes you the best.


Author's Notes:

The Vice-chief and I? Directed by Tetsu? Hijikata will be turning in his grave now. Pre-emptive action? Oh dear…

I threw in the ninja clan medicine arc in there as well, but apart from that bit of exchange between Misao and Lady Ayumi, there will be limited future contact with the ninjas from mountains. Libido-down? What better medicine to get Okina?