Disclaimer: I do not own Ruronin Kenshin or Peacemaker Kurogane.
Lolo: Actually, the New Kyoto Post is ending with a few more issues. Better hurry up. Umeko's Kitchen LIVE will be in the RK category.
Maeko-Nohara: Katsu's still running his tabloid and getting on the nerves of a certain officer. Outa's cute. Tetsu's in for a rough time. Hiji-sama wouldn't even need to throttle him in his dreams over the comedy. Sadly, the Kenshin-gumi broke up after the Jinchuu arc in the manga. Sano going off to see the world and all that… Peacemaker Kurogane the manga is still running, but I will stop around Ryouma's assassination.
YamiChikara: Are you referring to Reflections? The one where they kill off poor Kenshin and Kaoru? I think not. Of course, it'll be hilarious if Kenshin gets mistaken for Shishio by Umeko and booted off the Umeko LIVE… Nah, I think I prefer Kenshin alive.
Queeney: This is the last issue… But I will write an insanity fic based on this and the companion fic, New Kyoto Post.
Sailor-Earth13: Oh yes, the opening night of a former page's play. And he still doesn't know why his new actor is the splitting image of Okita-san.
M.Kasshoku: Saito's gonna get into more trouble. Sou and Kenni had a duel in the New Kyoto Post. Midnight at Kyoto Tower. Ended in a draw of course.
SlowMotionRunner: Nice to hear from you. Sadly, Umeko's no longer with us. However, she may answer your letter in the insanity fic I'm planning. Oops, Saitou didn't say anything about the tombstone, yet…
The opening reviews of the play The Vice-Chief and I, by Suzu K? Back from the dead shocks! This is the last issue for reasons our chief editor will list. Any Chinese or Korean readers… please don't hurt me. Down with the (bleep) Japanese revisionist history textbooks! A nice bonfire anyone?
The Japan Bulletin
Official Meiji Government Flagship
Issue 20
FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK
We regret that this is the last issue of our paper as I am being restored to my former position as Propaganda Chief. My current staff will be following me to the propaganda office. Sayonara. We will continue to do your best churning out textbooks and other publications to brainwash, I mean, educate our future soldiers. May they do our nation proud by invading, I mean, liberating our neighbors.
Chief Editor, Ikeda Koji
OPENING NIGHT FIASCO!
The opening night of the comedy, The Vice-Chief and I, ended in chaos when a member of the audience tried to Gatotsu an actor. The actor, who was playing Okita, made a very speedy getaway. The would-be attacker, a police officer, was removed from the theater. He claimed that the actor in question was a dangerous wanted criminal.
The same officer then turned on the play's producers, Harada and Nagakura, yelling, "Morons! The pig's name is spelt S-A-I-Z-O-U! How could you mess up?" The play had to be closed. The officer responsible for the disturbance will be transferred to Hokkaido after an evaluation of his mental health.
"Ichimura Tetsunosuke did it again! You were a failure as a page, swordsman and friend. Add director to the list, old chum. Your little disaster of a play was so well-received that your fellow wolf decided to Gatotsu the actors. I have been watching you since you embarked on your career in theater and I am glad you gave me a reason to rub it in your face." - Black Cat Reviews
Renowned play critic, Suzu K, flayed the play and its director in his scathing article for the local magazine. Director Ichimura was described as inconsolable. The vice-manager, Ichimura Saya, refuses to comment. Play producer, Nagakura remarked that the last time he saw such a look, it was on the face of Tetsu's elder brother.
In an unrelated incident the next day, director Ichimura and critic Suzu K. were engaged in a fist fight in a busy street. The brawl resulted in Suzu K. been hospitalized and Ichimura being arrested. Ichimura's wife was also arrested when she assisted her husband by stabbing Suzu K. in the back with her hairpin. The couple will have charges of aggravated assault brought against them. According to various eyewitness reports, they have been provoked by the critic's lewd remarks on the parentage of their son. Suzu K. was definitely asking for it.
Back from the Dead Shocker 1
Tokyo
Yesterday, a clerk at the Tokyo Registry of Marriages was hospitalized for shock when a Miss Kamiya Kaoru came to register her marriage to one Himura Kenshin. Miss Kamiya Kaoru was believed to be dead but investigations have shown that it was a colossal mistake. Kamiya Kaoru is very much alive as evidenced by her threatening to trash the office when clerks pointed out that an "Oro?" from the groom did not qualify as an "I do." We remind Kamiya to de-register her death with the town council or her marriage will not be recognized.
Back from the Dead Shocker 2
Kyoto
Older Kyoto residents were terrified last night by the sighting of Okita Souji's ghost. Okita perished of TB in 1868. The deceased Shinsengumi First Captain was seen strolling in the group's trademark blue and white uniform. He stopped at a shop for some red-bean cakes before getting a change of clothes from a tailor on credit. He asked that the uniform be returned and the bill be charged to Sheiken Dojo Memorial Hall. Both the cake-shop owner and the tailor declined to bill the ghost. Okita said that he is going to roam the wide spaces of the north, possibly even Hokkaido. It comes as no surprise as the Shinsengumi made their last stand in our northernmost province.
WANTED!
Sagara Sanosuke. Tall, spiky-haired punk. Wanted for assault. Contact your nearest police station. And this is not an ad placed by Officer Fujita Goro. Officer Fujita does not stalk street punks like Sagara, like some tabloid alleged. Neither is Fujita cheating on his wife with an ahou!
Obituary: Katsura Umeko
Katsura Umeko, fondly known as Aunt Umeko, has passed away peacefully in her sleep in Tokyo's Institute for the Mentally Ill. Her funeral was held in Tokyo Public Funeral Hall. The large turnout included many of the Choushu Ishin leaders and several former bakufu officials and their family.
Among them was Takagi Tokio, daughter of the late daimyo of Aizu, and her young son. Her husband, rumored to be the famous Saitou Hajime, was conspicuously absent. However, many of his former Miburou colleagues showed up for the ceremony.
A red-haired man by the name of Kenni, who claimed to be the former page of the deceased's brother, gave a stirring eulogy praising her wisdom and generous nature. Aunt Umeko's remains are to be interred in her family plot in Choushu district.
Tsunan! Don't you dare slander Umeko-san in your sorry tabloid!
Advice Segment
I was asked by Chief Uramura to do this segment. I am Kamiya Kaoru. I am very much alive, thank you. And my dojo's still open. Please, we're accepting students!
Dear Umeko,
My sensei still treats me like a kid! I have been in not one, but four fights to the near-death. I don't see why I have to wash her underwear when I helped Kenshin save her from that Enishi creep. I will become the best swordsman in Japan, after Kenshin, of course. What should I do?
-- Not a brat
Yahiko,
First I want you to clean the floor. Next, do the marketing. Next, wash the laundry, including my underwear. If you still have time after that, clean out the old storehouse. Do remember to dispose of that Iwanbo puppet suit Sano dumped in there. After you have done all your chores, I'll give you a pointer or two in discipline.
Your sensei
Dear Umeko,
It's me again. I have gotten over Tomoe. I have found a special girl I want to marry. However, I feel a bit awkward popping the question. After all, her association with me brought her nothing but danger. First Jin-e, then Shishio's Juppon Gatana in Kyoto, then Enishi. At least I am sure Battousai will not be popping up now. What should I do? I can't just walk up and say "Will you marry me?"
- Ruronin
Kenshin!
I WILL MARRY YOU! (Runs off to drag Kenshin to the Tokyo registry of marriage)
Dear Umeko,
I am an artist that does portraits for a living, and for a while I was doing fine. But, one night, someone filled my booth with erotica pictures and completely ruined my reputation as an artist! More people seem to be coming to my booth now, but...That's not what I wanted to be known for! I don't know who did this, and I don't know what I'd do if I found him! Please help me!
Flustered Artist
Editorial Team: Kindly give us the address of your booth and we'll look into your complaint. Can you give us a discount?
Advertisement: Ferry service between mainland ports and large sea-going vessels. For those of you who need to flee the heat after beating up some big shot. Contact your nearest gambling den for details.
KAMIYA DOJO accepting students now! We teach the Kamiya Kassim Ryu, Sword of Life. A non-violent kenjutsu form! Please apply, we have plenty of vacancies.
Personal Ad
SANO! Pay up your debts before you go! I'm definitely not picking up your tab! – Katsu
Personal Ad:
Aoshi-sama. Roses are red, violets are blue. Kamiya and Himura're a pair now, how about me and you? – Misao
Personal Ad:
To hyper-genki ninja girl. Violets are blue, roses are red. He treats you as a little sister. Please get that into your head. – Ji-ya (please don't throw kunai at me)
In Memoriam. Okita-san, rest in peace. We still miss your wackiness about the old dojo. Er, rest in peace, too, Saizou.
– Shinsengumi Veterans Club
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Ichimura Tetsu, you are the biggest cuckold in Japan. Your wife's very well-known in the cheap brothel where she worked for MORE than her shamisen skills… How should I put this? She gives very good massages in bed…ask your Miburou pals. Ever realized your son's hair color is more Nagakura's shade than yours? (SUZU! TAKE THAT BACK ABOUT MY SAYA! BASH! POW!)
Author's Notes:
Poor Tetsu, he's still gotta deal with Suzu being out to get him after all these years. At least Saya's there to support him. Of course, the reporters can't get a word out of Saya. She has not said a word throughout her appearance in PMK. She either mute or very quiet.
Well, this is the final issue of the Bulletin. Arigato and Sayonara.
Do drop by for Umeko's Kitchen LIVE or the Sake Shack or whatever I decide to name the said insanity fic once I get round to it. More wackiness from the cast of PMK and RK.
