Author's Notes: Sorry about the delay.


"This is bad news, alright. Very bad news."

The person who was talking was Renaldo, the person he was talking to was Dangeresque, the bad news he was talking about was the missing tape, and the salad he had eaten for lunch half an hour ago was Caesar.

The tape was a top-secret NASA tape that contained information about the secret plans of Hobbes, a real evil villain. He was planning to steal something really big, and NASA needed that tape to stop him. Or else the thing would be stolen. Probably. Whatever it was.

So, naturally, NASA had given the job to their top agent, Dangeresque.

Renaldo had figured out the news from the most recent issue of The Daily Newspapes, which had an article saying "MISSING TAPE STOLEN! Dangeresque seen on the case. For real."

The paper had said that the tape that was stolen was already missing because Jeff the janitor had dropped it when we was locking up all the Secret Bad Guy Plans Tapes Type Stuff in the Secret Bad Guy Plans Tapes Type Vault.

"It's not gonna be easy," said Dangeresque, putting down the paper, "finding that missing tape."

"Well, Dangeresque," said Renaldo reassuringly, "if anyone can do it, I'm sure you can."

Dangeresque smiled. "You're right, Renaldo," he said.

He paused, and looked around.

"But the elevator's broken in this building," he commented. "So I'm gonna have to jump!"

Jumping off skyscrapers was one of Dangeresque's favourite things to do. He was very good at jumping, and he never got hurt when he landed.

He ran up to the window, opened it up, crouched down, and leaped forward into the air. He fell through said air, and landed in the NASA Shark Pond, which was to guard Headquarters from bad guys. Who were afraid of sharks. Which was most.

Dangeresque easily dodged the sharks, and walked out to look for the tape.

When he got to his Corvette, there was a envelope in the seat. It said this:

Anonymous Tipster

482 Back Alley

Nowhere In Particular 90210

Dangeresque

142 West Secret Agency Drive

Mundelow, PA 80808

Dangeresque frowned at the words "West Secret Agency Drive."

He looked around. There was indeed, a street sign saying W SECRET AGENCY DR. He looked around, and also saw, indeed, the entire street was made up of the secret headquarters of secret Names-With-Abbreviations Agencies.

There were all the big ones: FBI, CIA, UN, NATO, INTERPOL, KGB, YMCA, REM.

Dangeresque shrugged.

"Hmm. Learn something new every day."

He opened the letter and read it. It looked like this:

Read this if you're Dangeresque, but don't read it if you're not Dangeresque, by which I mean you shouldn't not read it if you're Dangeresque, and you shouldn't don't not un-read it if you aren't not are Dangeresque.

I am an anonymous tipster, and I have an anonymous tip for you. Hobbes is the one who has the tape. He stole it so NASA couldn't get it. Rumour has it, Hobbes' henchman Killingyoudude, brother of the late Killingyouguy

Dangeresque stopped reading.

"Killingyouguy's dead?" he said. "Oh, man, this is gonna be a lot of paperwork."

He continued reading.

You are probably surprised that I labelled Killingyouguy as late. No, he's not dead. But as I am writing this, I am at a party that I invited Killingyouguy to, and he's late. He hasn't shown up yet.

But anyway, Killingyoudude is located at 374 Henchman Lane. Be there…or be square.

Synonymously,

Ken Adams. I mean—Anonymous Tipster.

"Henchman Lane?" cried Dangeresque.

He narrowed his eyes.

"Let's roll."

He car thundered into motion, as it roared down the street at top speeds, ready to get to Henchman at Main as fast as he could.

The ride lasted about 7 seconds. Henchman was right next to Secret Agency.

He jumped out and ran into the conveniently unlocked door.

Killingyoudude was in there, chowin' on some teddy Grahams. He was the spitting image of Killingyouguy.

"DANGERESQUE!" yelled Killingyoudude.

"I know you have the tape!" said Dangeresque.

"I'LL NEVER CRACK!" yelled Killingyoudude.

"Oh, a tough guy, eh? Well, looks like I'm gonna have to use some negotiation techniques."

So he did.

"Either give me that tape, or punch me in the face!" Dangeresque declared.

So he did.

"DAAA!" exclaimed Killingyoudude, as he punched Dangeresque in the face.

"Ow."

Dangeresque, who had been punched so hard, he had fallen through the door, quickly got up, brushed himself off, and ran back into the house. The tape was gone.

"What the? What happened to the tape?" cried Dangeresque.

"FEDEX!" yelled Killingyoudude.

"FedEx?" cried Dangeresque. "You got it FedEx'd away that fast? Aww, man! CURSE YOU FEDEX AND YOU'RE SURPRISINGLY FAST SERVICE!"

FedEx Corporation Headquarters
Memphis, Tennessee

A thousand miles away, FedEx's CEO reached over for his mug of coffee on his desk, but he accidentally knocked it over.

"Aww, man," he muttered.


Back in Mundelow

A FedEx truck pulled up behind Jackson, one of Hobbes' minions. A FedEx guy got out and handed Jackson a large tape-shaped package.

"Sing here," said the FedEx guy.

"Okey-dokey," said Jackson. He did.

"Initial here."

He did.

"Phone number here."

He did.

"Favorite movie here."

He almost did.

"Wait—what?"

"Sorry. I'm lonely."

"Can I just have this thing?"

"Fine..." he sighed.

And then added under his breath, "...ifyouagreetogivemeamilliondollarsifyousayanythingwithinthenextfiveseconds."

"What?"

"Got it," he said happily, holding up a tape recorder. He ran off.

Just then, Dangeresque walked out of his friend's basement, having finished a particularly loud game of Pinged Pong.

Jackson opened up the package, and sure enough, inside it, was the tape.

"I'd better get this to Hobbes," he said to himself. He held up the tape to examine it, but the sun got in his eyes, and he dropped it.

He was going to pick it up, but suddenly, he noticed Dangeresque walking towards him. He drew back and turned around, hoping Dangeresque wouldn't see him.


Dangeresque groaned. Finding the tape was like finding…well, I don't like similes. Finding the tape was hard.

Dangeresque groaned as he examined himself in the ping pong racket he had covered with tin foil and now used as a makeshift mirror.

"Where is that missing tape?" he said to himself.

Jackson nervously began to back away. Then he took off running.

Then he ran back, got the tape, and took off running again.

Dangeresque saw Jackson.

"Hey! You're one of Hobbes' minions! Uh…Hobbes's…Hobbe's…Hobbes'es… Hobbes'…yeah, that's it, Hobbes'…you're one of Hobbes' minions! Come back here!"

Dangeresque chased Jackson for half an hour, and he finally reached a large abandoned warehouse.

There was a loud whirring sound, like lots of gears revving into power. And sure enough, the huge doors began to close.

Jackson made it in just as the doors shut. Dangeresque slammed into the wall with a loud thud.

Just then, a huge cage was dropped from above, and Dangeresque was trapped.

A smoke bomb was also dropped. The cage was flooded with smoke, and Dangeresque felt himself pass out.


When he came to, he was in a jail cell. But he was notin any normal jail. It was the secret warehouse lair of Hobbes.

Dangeresque saw a huge big-screen TV, and a huge VCR, ready to have the missing tape played in it.

He saw Hobbes on a balcony overlooking the huge room. He was sitting in front of a control panel, stroking his pet The Cheat, Zachary.

On the control panel, there was a large lever that someone had rigged to drop a large weight on Dangeresque's head.

"Ah!" said Hobbes. "So glad to see you could come. The snack table's over there."

"What?"

Dangeresque turned around. There was a snack table in his cell. He picked up some nachos and dipped them in guacamole.

"Alright, Hobbes," said Dangeresque. "Time to put a stop to this. I am going to make sure you don't see that tape!"

"Oh, you won't, will you? I mean, won't you? I mean, won't not will you? I mean...oh, forget it. We'll see about that!"

Hobbes laughed as he stroked Zachary.

"Welcome to oblivion, Dangeresque!" said Hobbes, pronouncing 'Dangeresque' as 'Danger-skew.'

Hobbes pulled the lever, and a huge weight tumbled from above, and fell onto Dangeresque's head painfully.


Dangeresque woke up a few hours later, in pain, but alive, and to his relief, saw that Hobbes had not yet played the tape.

"Why haven't you played the tape yet?" asked Dangeresque.

"I wanted you to be able to see me see it," said Hobbes.

"Oh."

Hobbes walked up to the VCR, held up the tape, slipped it in to the port and began moving his hand towards the play button.

Dangeresque, knowing that if he failed this mission, he would lose 5 from his paycheck, needed to think fast.

He looked around, and conveniently saw a Frisbee lying next to him in the cell. He picked it up, threw it through the bars, and just as the tape was about to play, the Frisbee hit the "reset" button on the VCR, setting the clock back to 12:00.

"NO!" howled Hobbes. "That takes forever to set back! It'll take days before I can play that tape!"

Just then, the VCR, now useless, exploded. One of the pieces of shrapnel fell into the padlock on Dangeresque's cell, and conveniently unlocked the tumblers. The door swung open.

Dangeresque ran out, and headed for the door with haste. A group of guards began chasing after him, but he tipped over a vat of Diet Lemon Coke. The guards all slipped, slided, and tumbled to the ground.

Dangeresque ran out just as the doors closed.


Dangeresque, now wary that he had to be more careful, sat on the bench in Simpkins Park, wondering how he could get that tape off. He wasn't worried about time, though, because he knew that Hobbes would wait until Dangeresque was in his captivity for him to watch the tape.

Just then, Cutesy Buttons, Dangeresque's…girlfriend, maybe?…ran up to him.

"Dangeresque!" she said. "I heard that you were going to try to get back that tape."

"Yeah, that's the plan."

"But that's such a dangerous—"

"Esque."

"Yes, such a dangeresque plan!"

"Hey, look who you're talking too," said Dangeresque. "Dangeresque's my middle name!"

He paused.

"And…my first…"

"I won't watch you die, Dangeresque!" said Cutesy sadly.

"Don't worry, Cutesy Buttons," assured Dangeresque. "Tonight, dyin's not on the menu…"

He paused, and looked around. He didn't see any escalator.

"…so I'm gonna have to jump!"

He hurled himself off a third- story window. Needless to say, he survived.


He went back to his office at NASA and told Renaldo his plan.

"So, this is my plan," said Dangeresque. "I push a dummy of me off a cliff, so Hobbes'll think I'm dead, right? So then, Hobbes, thinking that even though he wanted to see the tape with me in his captivity, he won't be able to do that, so he's gonna have to watch the tape without me, right? So then, just as he's about to play the tape, I swing in on a rope, and grab the tape out of his hands, and all will be well!"

"Sounds like a plan," said Renaldo.


So Dangeresque sent a letter to Hobbes, telling him to come to Notes Cliff, where he would fake his death by making it look like he jumped of the cliff. He rounded up a dummy, put a wrestling mask and some shades on it, and put it beside a cliff. He hid behind a bush.

He took out a tape recorder and put it on the dummy. He pressed play.


Hobbes, who was sitting in a helicopter about fifty feet away, to his delight, heard (or thought he heard) Dangeresque say, "Look's like I'm gonna have to jump!" and then jump off Notes Cliff, which was a fall no one could survive.

"Yes! This is great!" cried Hobbes. "Dangeresque is dead! Oh, wait…now he won't be able to see the tape…well, it won't be the same, but I guess I'll still watch it…hey, pilot! Bring this chopper back to the heli-pad. I'm going to watch the tape!"


Dangeresque followed the helicopter in his corvette all the way back to Hobbes' secret warehouse base. He climbed up the ladder onto the roof, and peered a skylight. He saw Hobbes walk in, holding the tape.

Now was the time. With expert timing, he timed the time it would be until the time when Perducci would put in the tape.

"And…" timed Dangeresque, "time!"

It was, indeed, the right time. He flung open the skylight and hurled himself in the nick of time!

But then he realised…he had no rope.


Dangeresque would have crashed to the ground, had it not been for his trusty brand name Floss-O-String.

He took out the floss and rolled it out and threw it around a conveniently placed flagpole. He swung towards the ground at full speed, and just as Hobbes was about to put in the tape, Dangeresque kicked the tape out of Hobbes' hands and into the air, where Dangeresque grabbed it.

"Oh, biscuits!" said Hobbes.

The floss continued to swing up. Dangeresque finally jumped off and landed on a windowsill.

"Yes!" said Dangeresque. "Score one for the cool guys!"

"Yay!" said all of Hobbes' minions.

"By which I mean, us," said Dangeresque.

"Aww…" said all of Hobbes' minions.

Dangeresque looked down at the third story window he was now on.

"Uh-oh…the elevator on this window," said Dangeresque, "is nonexistent…so I'm gonna have to jump!"
Dangeresque leapt out of the window.


"One again, Dangeresque does it again!" said Renaldo back at headquarters, the tape in his hands. "Great work!"

"Aww, it was nothing," said Dangeresque. "Except sneaking into an criminal mastermind's lair from the roof and getting a top-secret tape back without his being able to stop me."

"Yeah, that," said Renaldo. "But I've got bad news. The tape fell into the shark pond, and we need someone to get it out."

"Easy as cake!" said Dangeresque. "Or is it pie? I think it's cake…yeah—well, maybe not…let's see. Easy as pie. Easy as cake. Yeah, I think it is pie. Easy as pie, Renaldo!"

"You sure you're up to this?" said Renaldo. "Sounds pretty dangerous."

Dangeresque smiled.

"No…sounds Dangeresque!"