"Mmm…that's good."

"Strange combination."

"Meh. If you can make a good thing better, than do."

He took a bite out of his pepperoni-salami-meatball-three cheese-extra sauce-thick crust pizza.

"This is so weird," said Dangeresque.

"We're still trying to figure out how it happened," said Mr. Thompson.

"This is just awesome," said Dangeresque. "And I can't believe I got this for free!"

He took another bite.

"I don't even remember entering this contest," he said. "Where are you from again?"

"I'm from a small law firm just outside of town."

"Well, since I'm a cop, detective, and secret agent, I don't have much need for a lawyer. Why was I entered in this contest?"

"I'm not sure," said Mr. Thompson. "The contest was originally only for customers. Out of the people who use our firm, whoever won got to either get their next trial for free, or be able to pick their own prize, as long as it cost a maximum of 10 dollars. Most people chose the free trial, but whoever entered you in chose a 9 dollar pizza combo down at Malone's."

Dangeresque looked around at the small pizzeria he ate at every Friday.

"Whoever entered me in this contest sure knows what I like," said Dangeresque. "What's your name again?"

"Mr. Thompson."

"Right, right. How did you get my entry again?"

"Well, everyone else who entered came into the office and dropped it in the ballot box. Whoever entered your…entry…took a ballot without anyone noticing."

"So you were robbed?" said Dangeresque.

"Well, technically, yes," said Mr. Thompson.

"Well, even though it's so minor," said Dangeresque, "I am a cop, no matter how crooked, so we still have to write up a theft report. Let's go."

Dangeresque and Mr. Thompson got up. Dangeresque grabbed his dark-teal jacket off the back of his chair.

"Nice jacket," said Mr. Thompson. "Where'd you get it?"

"Oh, I don't know. I found it on my desk yesterday," said Dangeresque.

"I see," said Mr. Thompson.


Dangeresque and Renaldo's Office at NASA
Mundelow, PA

When Dangeresque and Mr. Thompson got to his office, Renaldo was there.

"Hey, Dangeresque," said Renaldo. "Who's this?"

"This is Mr. Thompson from a law firm just outside of town," said Dangeresque. "He just moved here, and is having trouble making friends."

"It's true," said Mr. Thompson.

"But the main thing is that Mr. Thompson got robbed," said Dangeresque.

"A robbery?" said Renaldo. "What kind?"

"The kind with those prickly things on the end," said Dangeresque.

"Oh," said Renaldo. "Those are the worst. Want a mug of hot cacao?"

"Sure," said Dangeresque. He took the mug from Renaldo and began drinking it. It was indeed, hot, and very good. "But anyway, Mr. Thompson here got an entry ballot for a contest his law firm was putting out."

"No one was around when it was taken?"

"No. No one," said Mr. Thompson. "I have no idea how this person got it."

"I do," said Renaldo.

"You do?" said Dangeresque. "Whoa! Only 30 seconds of knowledge, and you've already got a lead! Who is it?"

"I did it," said Renaldo.

"Hrkgt?"

"And I didn't steal it, neither," said Renaldo. "I took a ballot like everyone else did. But the guy handing them out was getting a cup of coffee at the time."

"Larry!" said Mr. Thompson.

"Why did you enter me in this contest, man?" said Dangeresque.

"The same reason I gave you that hot chocolate, and gave you that winter jacket."

"What's this reason's name?"

"Well, there's a new mission for you, and I wanted to give you as many warm things as I could beforewe left, since it's pretty cold where you're going."

"What's this place's name?"

"Iceland."

"I see. Why am I going to Iceland?"

"Your old nemesis, Jeremy Lowe, has stolen the rare jewel, the Jack Emerald," said Renaldo. "We need you to go get it back."

"What a dangeresque mission," said Dangeresque.

"Our plane leaves in a few minutes, so we need to get there right away," said Renaldo.

"Hmm…a few minutes, eh?" said Dangeresque. "No time to use the stairs. Looks like we're gonna have to jump!"

Dangeresque and Renaldo jumped out of the building. They landed in the parking lot. The drove down to the airport and flew to Iceland.


Iceland International Airport
Reykjavik, Iceland

When the plane touched to the ground and came to a halt, Dangeresque and Renaldo descended the staircase and into the airport. All around, all they could see was ice and snow. Hence the name. And it was indeed very chilly.

"Where was the emerald seen last?" asked Dangeresque.

"It was being held under guard down at Gate B here at the airport," said Renaldo.

"We'd better go talk to the guard," said Dangeresque.

The two of them walked down the hallway from Gate F to Gate B. There, they met up with the guy who had been on guard duty the night of the robbery, T.J. McDowell.

"So, what happened on Thursday?" asked Dangeresque.

"Well, I was standing here, guarding the Jack Emerald, and then it disappeared into nowhere," said T.J. McDowell.

"That's all?"

"Yep."

"You didn't see Jeremy Lowe or any of his minions?"

"No."

"Oh, well, okay. See ya later, McDowell," said Dangeresque.

"And I, you," said T.J. McDowell.

Dangeresque frowned.

"I wouldn't bet that guy's not really not one of Lowe's minions," said Dangeresque.

Just then, a man walked by holding Jack Emerald-handling gloves walked by.

"Hey!" said Dangeresque. "What are you doing with those gloves?"

"Who the exclamation are you, and what's your job?" asked the man.

"Both my name and my job is very Dangeresque," he said.

"Dangeresque?" said the man. "Oh, this is negative remark!"

The man took off running. Dangeresque started running after him. But the man got onto his Skidoo and rode off away, out of sight.

Unfortunately, the sharp metal skids of the Skidoo slashed the ice, and huge cracks soon formed around Dangeresque.

"Uh-oh," said Dangeresque. "Looks like I'm gonna have to be submerged in this sub-zero water!"

And he was. His body slowly drifted into the murky blackness of the sea.


To Be Discovered
Reykjavik, Iceland

For a second, Dangeresque thought the worst as the bright light shone down on him. He suddenly realised that he had just fell into the water, so he must have taken in a good amount of water. He slung his head down and coughed as hard as he could. He lay on his back and closed his eyes as he waited for the pain in his throat to subside.

"Dangeresque," said a loud voice. "Glad you could make it."

Dangeresque recognized the voice. He sat bolt upright and looked around.

He was in a jail cell inside his captor's secret lair. He looked around at where the cell was. It was a large stone room with a linoleum mezzanine overlooking it. And atop that mezzanine, stroking his pet The Cheat, Timothy, was none other than Dangeresque's old foe, Jeremy Lowe.

"Oh, man!" said Dangeresque. "Not you!"

"Yes, me!" said Jeremy. "How do you like my Emerald Room?"

Dangeresque looked around. It was called the Emerald Room because on the mezzanine, in a large glass holder, was the Jack Emerald.

Jeremy laughed.

"Nice, huh? Anyway, my sensors picked up that you encountered a bit of a pickle with my minion, Mr. Hopkins. HOPKINS!"

A voice from behind a door at the back of the mezzanine said, "Yeah?"

"Come out here!" said Jeremy.

Mr. Hopkins walked out. It was, indeed, the same guy that was on the Skidoo. He was wearing a nametag that said Hello, my name is Anderson.

"You!" said Dangeresque.

"Sarcastic retort!" said Anderson Hopkins.

"I have come here to show you my greatest thing ever!" said Jeremy. "It is—!"

"You stole the Jack Emerald."

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"It says it on your T-shirt."

"Well, I like to advertise it," said Jeremy. "BUT ANYWAY! I have now stolen the Jack Emerald, with a little help from my minion…none other than T.J. MCDOWELL!"

Dangeresque gasped. Out walked McDowell.

"McDowell!" said Dangeresque. "I knew it!"

"And now," said Jeremy, "I will use this diamond to take over the world!"

"How?" asked Dangeresque.

"Uh…" said Jeremy. "Well…you see…um…uh…well…Hopkins? Any ideas?"

"Sell it on eBay, sir?"

"ELECTRONIC BAY! Brilliant, Hopkins!"

"Thank you, sir."

I've got to get that diamond back,
thought Dangeresque.

Emerald, corrected no one in particular.

Whatever, though Dangeresque. But how?

He looked around at the cell.

He had been locked in prison cells before, but this one seemed the most secure. He didn't see any way he could possibly get out.

He thought for a long time. He slunk his head against the cell bars and closed his eyes in deep thought.

Then his eyes shot open.

And then he realised how to get out of the cell.


Jeremy Lowe's Office
Reykjavik, Iceland

"How much are we in debt?"

"About 12, 000 dollars."

"Oh, great. Isn't this magical."

Jeremy leaned back in his chair and put his feet on his desk.

"Well, what cutbacks have we made?" he asked.

"Well, we only drink Diet Cokes now," said Anderson. "And we've eliminated Free Money Giveaway Day."

"Great. What else?"

"Well, some of these cutbacks are positive remark, but most of them are negative remark."

"Answer the question."

"Well…we had to make the prison cell bars out of foam instead of metal."

"Did we now?"

"Yup."

"Who's responsible?"

"Uh…McDowell."

"Is there really no other minions you could have blamed this on?" asked Jeremy. "Particularly, one not in this room?"

"Well, no, not really. You've only got two minions."

"Oh?"

"More cutbacks."

"Crap. Well, T.J., could you provide us with a security report?"

"Yes, sir," said McDowell.

"What's the security report?"

"Our prisoner escaped."

"What? How?"

"The prison bars were made out of foam."

"Hopkins, you're fired."

"Yes, sir."

"Well, go round up the guards and send them out after him."

"Yes, sir."


Outside Jeremy Lowe's Castle Lair
Yes, it's a castle.
It just hasn't come up yet, okay?
Reykjavik, Iceland

Dangeresque found himself cornered by several of Jeremy's minions, and Jeremy's The Cheat, Timothy.

"Uh-oh," said Dangeresque. "I'm cornered…and there's no way to run out of here…so I'm gonna have to—!"

Just then, the ice broke, and Dangeresque fell into the water.

With a loud, "Meh!" Timothy threw a rose at him.


Prison Cell
The Emerald Room
Jeremy Lowe's Castle Lair
Reykjavik,
Iceland

Jeremy groaned.

"You know, I'm not your body guard, Dangeresque," he said.

"Ain't that the truth," said Dangeresque.

Da-da-doo-chiii!

"Why do you even keep saving me?"

"I don't know," said Jeremy. "So I can throw you in jail?"

"How many jail cells do you have?" asked Dangeresque, looking around at his cell.

"About…" said Jeremy, "…uh…McDowell?"

"One, sir," said T.J. McDowell.

"Ah, yes," said Jeremy. "One, Dangeresque. And since you made that big hole in the bars last time, and now you can get out of the cell, don't, you know…try to."

"Oh, sorry, what?" said Dangeresque. "I wasn't listening. I was taking back the Jack Emerald."

"Oh, crap!" said Jeremy, seeing Dangeresque was already out of the cell and holding the emerald. "McDowell, get the guards!"

"We don't have any guards," said T.J.

"Then who were the guys who cornered Dangeresque with Timothy?"

"No one, sir. They were halucinations. Dangeresque was drinking soy sauce."

"Hey!" said Dangeresque. "I go to Soy Sauce-oholics Anonymous!"

"Well, be that as it may," said Jeremy, "you cannot leave. Sick 'em, Timmy!"

"Meh meh-heh!" said Timothy. He threw a bust of Van Buren at Dangeresque. Dangeresque dodged it, and it crashed through a window. Normally, the alarm would have gone off, but since that's only if someone with fingerprints uses it, nothing happened, except a large hole big enough for Dangeresque to fit through appeared.

"Thanks, man," said Dangeresque.

Dangeresque jumped out the window and fell to the icy ground. He pushed off from the wall, and began to slide back towards the airport with the Jack Emerald.

"After him!"

"I can't do that, sir."

"Why?"

"Only workers can chase after foes."

"And you don't work here?"

"As of twenty seconds ago, no."

"Why not?"

"More budget cuts."

"Ah. Timothy?"

"Meh meh-meh."

"Aww! You can't quit too!"

"Meh, meh. Meh-meh meh."

"Did you say 'too smart' or 'you smart'?"

"Meh meh."

"Oh. Well, you are not too smart to work here!"

"Meh meh-meh. Meh-heh meh meh."

"Well, then what's the meaning of life, braniac?"

"Meh meh-meh…heh-meh heh. Meh meh, meh-meh meh."

"Really?"

"Meh!"

"Oh man…that's the meaning of life…it's all so simple now…I'm going to go change my MSN username to that to spread the word!"

"Meh meh-heh."

Timothy and T.J. jumped out the window and slid up beside Dangeresque.

"Oh, no! I'm being chased!"

"Actually, we've switched sides."

"Oh, cool!"

So they slid back to the airport, put back the diamond—
Emerald.
Whatever. They put back the emerald, got a more trustworthy guard, missed their plane, and hitchhiked back home.


Dangeresque and Renaldo's Office

Mundelow, PA

"Great work getting the Jack Emerald back, Dangeresque!" said Renaldo.

"Nothing to it, Renaldo," said Dangeresque.

"Oh, I agree," said T.J. McDowell.

"Meh-heh meh," said Timothy.

"Good news, Dangeresque," said Renaldo. "Because of your doing so good on this mission, the agency's decided to promote you!"

"Cool! To what?"

"You're getting promoted from crooked cop-private eye-celebrity pharmacist to crooked cop-private eye-celebrity orthodontist!"

"Yes!" said Dangeresque. "Let's go celebrate at Malone's!"

Dangeresque looked around.

"But the elevator's in the shop for repairs," he said.

The four of them smiled.

"LOOK'S LIKE WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO JUMP!"

"MEH HEH MEH MEH-MEH MEH HEH MEH!"

And the jumped out the window.


15 Seconds Later

Mr. Thompson came into the office.

"Okay!" he said. "I'm ready to go denerdification spray shopping like you said! Do you know any good stores?"

Silence.

"Dangeresque? Dangeresque? Hello? Oh, man…I hate being the new kid on the block."

Mr. Thompson walked off sadly.

His life remained miserable for about 20 seconds more, until New Kids On The Block's lawyers sued him for copyright infringement and he lost all his money. Then he was doubly miserable.

Author's Notes: I wanted to end this chapter on a happy note. I'll rely on your guys' feedback to see if I should write The Criminal Projective.