Screams echo inside my head. He's here! He can't be here! I'm not ready for him to be here! He can't come here!
"Hon, are you okay?" Daddy asks, but we both know I am not.
I was stupid for not looking around before I came down. I should have known he would show up…It's five o'clock in the evening on a Saturday. This is his hamburger night. Goddess, I am so stupid!
Casting a casual glance around the room, I see him sitting at a table near the far wall, on the right side of the building if you're coming in the entrance. He likes it over there because there's a window where you can look out at the garden across the pathway outside. Of course, now it's winter, and the garden looks like crap, but I guess the seat has grown on him.
Looking at him, I just can't help but recount the afternoon's events in my head.
After the disappointing conversation with Daddy, I trudged back up the stairs and got dressed for the day. I was going to Jack's and knew it, but I didn't take special care in dressing up. Just my old, worn-out overalls, my clunky snow boots, an ugly orange undershirt, a girly white ribbon in my ponytail, and my big, black winter coat. Jack never cared how messy I looked. We always had fun together.
But today would be different, and I knew that full well. Jack was falling in love, and not with me.
I didn't like that, and never will. My intention was to march over there and give him all the million-gazillion reasons why he should love me. I was going to tell him how it was. I was going to show him how I felt. I was going to reveal my deepest secrets, all to steal his heart away just in the knick of time. I was going to save the day.
So in the gently falling snow I walked to the Pearl Farm, arms crossed, head high, eyes set. Determined, I rapped on the front door to his lovely little farmhouse until he came to answer. Of course, the gorgeous green eyes threw me off course temporarily. I smiled at him sweetly, though that had not been my intention. He returned the friendly gesture with an affectionate hug. I discarded my jacket and tossed it over the back of the couch.
No! I told myself. No nonsense. He was not going to get past me. "Jack," I said to him, my voice firm.
He was only momentarily startled by my sudden harshness and invited me in. "What's up? I just finished my chores and was fixin' to go out to town."
I walked in the door and turned back to face him as he closed it behind me. "Can it wait?"
"Yeah, of course."
Don't let him sweet talk you, I said to myself. "I have to talk to you."
"Sure, what's up?" He motioned for me to sit down on the couch, and pridefully, I declined with a quick shake of my head.
"It's kind of about, um…it's about how, you um…how you are…" Stop stuttering! Why are you nervous? It's okay! Just tell him how it is. You're good at this, Ann. "It's about this whole thing with Karen."
Jack's head flailed back as he sighed a little. "I had a feeling you would – "
"Jack, could you just shut up for a second?" I snapped. I hate being interrupted.
His head returned to its normal position and he nodded, though I noticed a momentary flame of anger in his eyes.
Don't let it get in your way. Think of how many times he has made you angry. "Why didn't I hear about it from you?" I asked him firmly. "Why did I have to hear about it from Manna and the gossip gang?" I paused, like I was going to let him answer, just so I could interrupt him when he began. "I've been thinking this whole time that we were friends, Jack! Aren't friends supposed to tell each other stuff? Especially big stuff like…like, I don't know…maybe, 'I'm falling in love with Karen! Yeah, we've actually been seeing each other for a while now, guess it just slipped my mind and I completely forgot to tell you!'…"
"Ann!" Jack's beautiful green eyes were dark with anger.
"WHAT?" was my angry response. The tears began to collect in the corners of my eyes, and my face scrunched up in an effort to keep them in.
I could see in his eyes that my tears were a hindrance to him, that he didn't want to see me cry. But he continued. "Isn't Karen your friend, too? Why aren't you at her place right now, screaming at her, accusing her?"
"Because I don't love Karen!" The answer came too quickly, and I wished I could eat it back up. I had intended on confessing my feelings for him, but not like this!
He recoiled, taking in my words. "Ann, I…" It was obvious he had no idea what he was going to say, so why was he even trying? "I didn't know…that you…"
I almost marched out the door with an over-the-shoulder, "Just forget it!" but refrained. It wasn't going to end like this. It wasn't going to end like this.
"Stop, Jack, just stop." I forced the tears away. "I don't want to hear you just talk, try to cover your tracks. I don't want a pity party. I don't want to be the fool in love. I want to hear exactly what is going through your head right now. Don't just talk. Tell. Tell me the truth, Jack: what is this? Do you really love her?"
He didn't speak, not for what seemed an entire minute. Finally, he said, "Ann, I don't know how to tell you this…"
"Just tell me, Jack! I don't need talk! I need to hear you!"
"Fine!" He was mad now. "Me and Karen are together! We've been together for a while!"
"How long!"
"Since summer!"
"Why didn't you tell me!"
"'Cause we weren't telling anybody! We didn't tell anybody at all until last week!"
Our voices were raised so loud, I remember being worried that the neighbors would come poking their noses in the windows.
I trembled with anger and disbelief. "Do you love her?"
"Yes!"
"How much?"
His hands whipped the air around him, his face red as he conjured up a reply. "A lot!"
"HOW MUCH, JACK?" I screamed.
"So much that I bought a blue feather yesterday!"
I stumbled backwards and let out a terrifying, ear-shattering scream. "JACK, WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN IDIOT!"
"Me, an idiot?"
"Yes, you! Are all men completely clueless, or is it just you, you big, ignorant jerk!"
"What the heck are you talking about?"
"Don't tell me, Jack…" I was too angry to cry, but the tears gathered nonetheless. My voice became soft and wispy. "Don't tell me that you didn't see the way I looked at you. You can't tell me you just didn't notice the way I held onto you when we hugged. You can't say the thought never occurred to you, Jack!"
"Ok, so I thought about it!"
"Well, what made you turn to Karen then? Huh? Answer me that, you smart-a -"
"Don't even think about it, Ann! You know calling me names is gonna get you nowhere."
"Answer the question!"
"Maybe it's 'cause of crap like this, Ann! Ever think of that? Of course you didn't, because in Ann World, you are always right! It's always somebody else at fault!"
"C'mon, Jack, we both know that's not true!"
"Oh, really?"
"Well, in this particular case, it is! Tell me your reason, Jack! What's so great about Karen that you could blow me off like this?"
"Blow you off!"
"Answer the question, dang-it!"
He let out a huffy breath, then a nice long one.
"Do you even know?"
"Yes, I do, actually. I just don't think you want to hear it."
"I really don't, but I'm going to have to…I'm going to have to."
"Karen is…beautiful, and in more ways than one. She's smart, she's talented, she's witty, she's…"
"Freakin' gorgeous!" I blurted angrily.
"You are right about that!" he said, and I knew it was only to spite me.
We stood in complete silence for a few moments. He was cooling down, and I was trying not to boil over. I looked into his eyes, and strangely, they soothed me. Calmly, I asked, "Have you kissed her?"
His lips pressed together in a straight line until he answered. "Yes."
Immediately, a million horrible images flooded my mind. I saw the two of them locking lips at the beach, on the docks, on the mountaintop, before a sunrise, by the lake, behind the apple tree, in his kitchen, in the general store, under a starry sky, on his sofa, or worse…on his bed.
Reluctantly I inquired, "Have you slep…have you had se…have you made l…have you slept with her?"
"Ann."
"Please just tell me," I pleaded tearfully, releasing a soft sort of sob.
"No, Ann. You know I don't do stuff like that."
"Well, I just thought you wouldn't be able to resist someone as b-b-b…beautiful as Karen." There was no harsh sting to my words. I was accepting the truth. Jack was in love with someone else. He was going to marry her. I was going to be alone, but he was going to be happy. Karen was going to be happy.
"Ann…" He stepped forward, and I stepped back in fear, cowering behind a blanket of tears on my cheeks. "Ann, it's ok…"
I bent under the spell of his voice and buried myself in his chest. His arms wrapped around me warmly. I sobbed into his shirt, bitterly, pathetically, mournfully.
After a moment, I pulled away in spite of myself and hurried to the door without a word. I was gone in a flash, without my coat, freezing in the cold.
