A/N: This is actually a short little thing that I thought should have
happened. It takes place during Seeing Red. Instead of Spike trying to rape
Buffy they talk and maybe a little more. You have to read to find out. This
is just something that I wrote down and decided would be good to put on
this site. I wanted it to be a one chapter kinda thing, but if you guys
like it a lot and feel that there needs to be more just send me a review. I
would be more then happy to continue. Enjoy and please review.
Buffy was sore from patrol. She decided that she needed to take a shower. She went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. She was in nothing in her robe. She looked around and saw him standing there. She wondered what the hell he was doing in her house after that scene at the Magic Box. "What do you want Spike?" Spike stared at her. He wasn't sure what he was doing there either. He felt compelled to explain his actions with the ex-demon, but he wasn't sure how to do that. "I just wanted to say that I was sorry."
Buffy looked at him. He seemed to be struggling with something. She brushed it off and started to talk to him again. "I think that you've used up all your sorrys Spike." "I don't want you to be mad at me." "Well, it would help if you didn't have sex with my friends." Buffy said in an icy voice. "Look I was just there. We were talking I was looking for." "You were looking for someone to have sex with?" "No I was looking for a way to end." "To end what Spike?" "To end this." "This?" "This whole thing. It hurts my head to think about it too much. I just wanted it to go away. I was looking for a spell or something." "You were going to use a spell on me?" "Don't flatter yourself, luv. I was trying to find a spell to end all this pain. I hat e being your bloody slave that does anything you want at the drop of a hat. I wanted to be free from the misery. It was just too much. Don't you get it? You used me and now I don't think I can live with myself. Not after knowing what it feels like to be close to you."
Buffy looked at him. There was such pain in his eyes and she knew that she had cause most of it. It didn't help that she had basically treated him like shit the entire time. " When you came to the crypt that night, I thought that maybe you had come and changed your mind. Then you said. look I just wanted to stop all of this." Buffy had forgotten about her visit to his crypt the night he was caught with Anya. "Spike, look I know that I probably hurt you more then I know, but it doesn't make this any better. It doesn't make it any less wrong." "Don't you think I know that. Do you think that I like being your little lap dog that begs at your feet for just the smallest crumb? Please I know it's wrong more then you do. I'm not supposed to feel this way about you. I'm not supposed to care. But I do. You're in my system and I can't get you out. I've bloody changed everything in my life to suit your needs and still you push me away."
"That's because you are still the monster. Just because you have that chip in your head doesn't mean anything." "Doesn't mean anything! How many bloody times did I have the opportunity to kill you? Hundreds. But did I, no. It doesn't matter because I don't have a god damn soul!" "Exactly! You don't have a soul. Do you want me to believe that if you didn't have that chip in your head you wouldn't kill? I'm not stupid Spike. First chance of blood and you would take it." "Really then why didn't I? I had many times to kill you and I didn't you're just afraid." "Afraid of what? Loving you? I couldn't love you. You're a monster." Spike held a defeated look on his face, but it went away in a matter of seconds. He walked closer to Buffy. "Oh, really. You think that you don't love me? Bloody bullshit! I'll make you feel it." He grabbed Buffy's wrists and she struggled.
Buffy hadn't expected Spike to attack her, but he did. She started to struggle, but only half-heartedly. She was yelling at herself and wondering why she wasn't fighting back harder. Spike could tell that she wasn't up to her full potential and it made him curious. She would have kicked his ass by now, but she was still struggling to get out of his grasp. Spike loosened his hold on her and stared at her with a look of bewilderment on his face. "What I thought that you wanted to make me 'feel it'? Is it a problem that I'm not struggling? Come on Spike make me feel it." Spike was totally dumbfounded. Not only was she not kicking his ass she was welcoming him to rape her. Spike had never intended on doing that. Just scare her a little. Buffy couldn't believe what she was saying. She was telling Spike to rape her. It wasn't like her, but she couldn't stop the words from coming out. "What is your problem? Why aren't you taking advantage of me? Why? Why can't you just rape me? Why are you doing this?!"
Buffy fell to the floor in tears. She didn't understand what was wrong with her. Spike was surprised to see her like this. She was crying and he didn't know why. He bent closer to her. He was a little scared to touch her because she might very well realize that she should kick his ass. Buffy knew that he was hovering above her. She stared up at him with tears on her eyes. She didn't like him seeing her like this, but she couldn't help it. Spike saw the vulnerability in her eyes and knew that she wouldn't hurt him if he tried to comfort her. He sat down on the tile and brought Buffy close to him. He wrapped his arms around her and slowly rocked her back and forth. "'S alright, luv. Shh don't cry." Spike searched for the words to comfort Buffy. She was shaking and it was scaring him. He held her like that for over a half-hour until Buffy final stopped crying.
When Buffy final stopped crying she looked up at Spike with questioning eyes. "Why are you doing this?" "Doing what, pet?" "Being so nice. You're supposed to be a monster. You should have hurt me. Done something." "I couldn't hurt you Buffy. I had no intention of doing that. I just got so frustrated." "But hurting people is what you do. It's you." "It was me. I don't know how many times I've told you that. I'm not the same monster that I was. You've changed me. The Bit's changed me. I don't want to be that monster that you hate." "No, that can't be. You have to be evil. You don't have a soul." "Just because someone has a soul doesn't make them good. It shows that person the difference between what is right and wrong. It gives you a conscience, but it doesn't stop your choices. Serial killers have souls, but they still do those awful things." Buffy knew that he was right. She didn't want to admit it to herself right now, but she knew. "Luv, I think that maybe you should get cleaned up. If you want I'll wait, but if you don't want to talk things out then I have somewhere that I have to be." Buffy lifted her head, but was mute. She didn't know what to say to Spike. He was standing there expectantly, but she couldn't offer him anything.
Spike didn't know what was wrong with her. "Buffy, luv, come on don't you think that it would be best to get cleaned up. You don't look so good from patrol." Buffy continued to stare off into space. Spike knew that he wasn't going to get anywhere with her. She seemed to be in a state of denial or something. He picked her up and placed her on her bed. Then he went back to the bathroom and turned on the water. He warmed it slightly and filled up the tub until it was pretty full and then he went back into Buffy's room and tried to talk to her again. "Right, well I filled up the tub and 's all ret to go you just have to get in." Buffy remained mute. "Are you really gonna make me do this?" He looked at Buffy expecting her to answer, but she didn't. "Alright, but this is on you sodden head, luv." He scooped up Buffy and took her to the bathroom. He gently took off her robe. Buffy wanted to protest, but there was something in her telling her to wait. As if part of her was expecting something that would only come with patience.
After taking off her robe, Spike gently put Buffy in the tub. All the while he was doing this, he never looked at her once. "Now that you're in the tub, 's your decision if you want to get nice and clean. I'll leave you to your business." Spike left the bathroom and stood outside and waited hoping that it would shock her out of her state. He stood outside of the door for a good fifteen minutes before he checked on her. She was still in the same position and hadn't moved one bit. "Buffy you really need to clean yourself of. Are you gonna make me wash you off?" When he got no reply he decided that was exactly what he would have to do. With the shampoo in hand he began to wash her hair. Buffy was amazed at how gently Spike was being. He wasn't looking at her or anything. He was just. taking care of her and it amazed her. She felt Spike pour water on her head and knew that he was rinsing of the shampoo. She closed her eyes so that it wouldn't get in her eyes.
Spike had never clean someone that wasn't himself and he wasn't exactly sure what to do. He picked up another bottle the said conditioner and applied it to Buffy's head. He knew enough to know that you had to let conditioner sit awhile. Now for the difficult part. Actually washing her body. "Um. Buffy looked you can either get out of this little trance or I can wash you up. I really do feel a little uncomfortable doing this, but you are kinda leaving me no choice." Buffy still didn't respond. She was still amazed that Spike was being so gentle. The hits just kept coming when he said that he was uncomfortable at seeing her naked and cleaning her off. "Alright." Spike put some soap on a wash cloth and started to wash her back. her picked up her right arm and started cleaning that when Buffy spoke up. "I can do it." " 'Bout time, luv. I was starting to get a little worried. Here." Spike handed her the wash cloth and was about to leave when he heard Buffy say, "Will you wait until I'm done?" " 'Cor luv." Spike then went outside in to Buffy' s room. He waited for Buffy to finish up.
Buffy finished cleaning up and put her robe back on. She was still a little amazed by Spike's gentleness. She didn't know how to comprehend it. She decided not to and walked into her room. She saw Spike sitting at the edge of her bed playing with the hem of his duster. He seemed in deep thought about something. "So, you waited." "You asked me to." "Listen Spike, I hope you know that this doesn't change things. It doesn't make things all right." "I know and that is why I've decided to leave. Only for a little while, but I have to do something." "You're leaving me?" Buffy's voice sounded a little more hurt then she intended it to. "Look, pet, I have to go. It's something that I have to do. If I don't I think that things will just get worse between us. I can't sit here and watch you die and I can't stay away form you. Hence the dilemma." "Spike just because I don't want to be with you doesn't me you have to leave. Please stay." "I can't. There is something that I have to do."
Spike got up and made his way to the door. He looked at Buffy and saw the sadness in her eyes, but he wouldn't stay. Even if looking at her was killing him, he couldn't stay. He was determined to do this. Buffy saw the determination in his eyes and knew that she had lost. He was going to leave her. She knew that he said it was only for a little while, but he was still leaving her. In a desperate attempt to keep him there she kissed him. It was a soft kiss that didn't have any passion behind it, but it soon developed into something more. Buffy tried to open his mouth with her tongue. Spike tried to fight her, but it was impossible. Soon he just eased into the kiss and found himself kissing her back. Buffy started to push him to the bed and Spike knew he had to stop her.
"Buffy we can't do this. I know you're just trying to get me to stay, but I." Spike didn't have time to answer as Buffy crushed her lips against his, again. She needed him to stay with her and she wasn't going to let him go that easily. Spike tried again to stop her, "Please Buffy let me leave in peace." "Spike you can't leave me. Please don't leave me." Spike saw a mixture of emotions on Buffy's eyes. She was sad, afraid, vulnerable and nervous all at the same time. He knew that she needed him, but he didn't know how to react. She wasn't usually like this. "Buffy you know that I would give you anything that you want, but I have to do this." "Why does everyone leave me? Why can't just one person stay? I need you to stay." "I'll stay with you tonight, but I don't know about tomorrow." "Then we'll just have to see what tomorrow brings." Buffy looked into Spike's eyes and saw that he wouldn't be there tomorrow. She started to kiss him again. This kiss was more about wanting and desperation then the other two kisses. Spike could tell where this was leading.
"Buffy we don't." "Shh, I want to. If you're going to leave me tomorrow then we only have tonight. I know that I don't love you, but I do care about you. Please Spike." Buffy felt like a little kid who was begging to get her way, but she needed him tonight. "Okay." Spike let all his feelings on why this was wrong float away and just enjoyed this time. Buffy was right. He only had tonight to be with her one last time. He had no idea about what his journey might bring. He might die and never had touched her again. Buffy slowly took of her robe revealing all of herself to Spike. He could never get over how beautiful she was. Each time he saw her he thought that. He wanted to touch her, but was afraid, almost shy at what she might do if he did. He was afraid that this would all end. Buffy sensed his debate because she lay down on the bed and pulled Spike on top of her. She needed him now and thought about how long it had been. Spike took it slowly as he let his hands caress her body. Buffy trembled at his slight touch. He could always make her feel this way.
Spike kissed her on the lips. It was a quick, soft kiss and then he started to kiss her neck. He wanted this moment to last forever and wanted to take it slowly. He started to place light kiss all over her body. He wanted to kiss each part of her. Buffy was getting a little impatient and wanted to feel his cool skin against hers. She impatiently took off his shirt. Spike was surprised at how fast Buffy was going with this. He stopped his caress for a moment and looked at her. Her eyes were glassy. She was definitely very aroused. He did nothing as she took off his shirt and started to take off his pants. He just wanted to stare at her for the rest of time. She was just so beautiful. Buffy wondered why Spike had stopped caressing her. She had thought it was because she started to take off his clothes, but they had been long off and he was still not moving. "Spike." Buffy's voice was filled with dread and uncertainty. "Yes, luv?" "Are you okay? You stopped." Spike didn't need her to finish before he answered her, "I was just admiring how beautiful you are." Spike waited for Buffy to totally disregard it and keep working on her feeble attempts to undress him.
Buffy didn't know what to say. Usually Spike would say those things and she wouldn't even be paying attention. She would be to eager to have sex with him. She wondered just how many times he had said those things. How many times he had complimented her and she didn't even notice or care. "Spike I." "Shh you don't havta say anything. Jus' the fact that you let me say them is enough." Spike leaned into to kiss her again. Buffy instantly wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer to her and deepen the kiss. Spike slowly moved his hands up and down her body in a sensual motion. Buffy moaned into his mouth. When Buffy was all out of breath she looked up at him and said, "Spike please." She was begging again. For some reason he had that effect on her. Spike could see that she really wanted her release and Spike had to give it to her. He ran his hand up her thigh to her sex and felt that she was very wet. He slowly pushed inside of her.
Buffy moaned as Spike started to thrust himself in and out of her. She was taken aback by his gentle approach to things. All Buffy could do was moan and thrust her hips as Spike repeatedly pushed inside of her until they were both spent. Spike collapsed on top of Buffy as soon as they had climaxed. They both lay there motionless until Buffy spoke up. "That was nice." She didn't know what else to say. It was the best thing that she had ever experienced in her life. He was so gentle and he took it slow. She never remembered it being so. intimate. "Yeah it was, luv." Spike lifted his head to look at her. Some loss strands of her curly blonde hair were in her face and he carefully brushed them away. "What do you want to do now, pet." Spike said as he rolled over on his side and off of her. Buffy wanted to whimper from the loss of contact, but she controlled herself. "Maybe you could just hold me until I fall asleep."
Spike started at her for a minute and the said, "If that's what you want." He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him. Buffy relished how well they seemed to fit together. She shivered slightly at the touch of his cold skin, but soon laid back and enjoyed this little bit of normalcy. She had never done this before with Spike. It had always been have sex and then go. She never wanted anything more then that. Now she did and what perfect timing she had. He was leaving her. Sure he said that he would come back, but he was still going. All because of this stupid relationship that they had. She knew that it was her fault that things were totally screwed up. "Um. this feel nice." "Yeah it does. Now go to sleep." "Okay." "Sweet dreams." Buffy fell asleep instantly and Spike watched her as she rested so peacefully.
It was the first time that he had actually got to see her sleep. Sure he had seen her when she was asleep, but never when she knew that he was there. Now he had her in his arms and she was sleeping. She trusted him enough to fall asleep in his arms. Spike knew that in the morning before she woke up he would have to leave her. It would be very painful for him to leave her. This was something he had to do though. For himself and for her. She would find out exactly what it was and maybe they could start over again. From scratch. Spike's eyes started to close shut and he fell asleep with the thought that maybe one day Buffy and him could finally be together. He wasn't even thinking about the hard thing that he would have to do in the morning. He was only thinking about her.
Buffy woke up feeling refreshed. She had forgotten for a second exactly what she had been doing the night before and then the thought dawned on her. Spike. She rolled over hopping against hope that he had decided not to leave her. Her hopes were crushed when she didn't feel him in her bed. She looked around the room. There was no trace that he had even been there. Buffy looked at the clock on her nightstand. It was only 9:00 o'clock. Buffy was about to get up when she saw something out of the corner of her eye. It was a paper with her name on it. She recognized the writing as Spike's. She eagerly opened it and began to read.
Dear Buffy, I left early this morning. I didn't want to wake you so I decided to leave you this letter. You know that I don't have the best way with words so bare with me. I know that you didn't want me to leave although why still remains to be seen. I guess that I will just have to wonder until I come back. I wanted to say that I will miss you and that I am coming back. This is just something that I have to do. For both of us. I know that right now my motives are unclear, but you'll see soon enough. I hope that once I get back we can start over and things could be good between us. I'm sorry for any pain that I might have caused you. I just wanted to say that even though right now things are still going pretty lousy that you can't give up. I want you to keep fighting. You have to keep fighting. I will love you always and I thank you for finally letting me say it to you. Even if you don't return my love. I will come back to you. Send the Bit my regards and tell her not to worry about me. And you don't worry about me either.
Sincerely,
William
Buffy read and reread the letter over and over again. He was really gone. Of course he said that he would come back, but neither were sure. Buffy decided that she would take his advice and keep fighting. There was still the matter of the nerds. She would get them soon enough. Buffy put on her fighting clothes and headed downstairs. Somehow she knew that everything was going to be fine and that Spike would come back and be her strength. She took his words to heart as she got ready to face another day of slayer life hell.
A/N: Okay so whatcha think. I actually kinda like it. I hope that you do to. Like I said I wanted it to be a one-chapter thing, but I could add more. Just send me a review about what you think. Please review though. I just love to read what other people think about my story.
Buffy was sore from patrol. She decided that she needed to take a shower. She went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. She was in nothing in her robe. She looked around and saw him standing there. She wondered what the hell he was doing in her house after that scene at the Magic Box. "What do you want Spike?" Spike stared at her. He wasn't sure what he was doing there either. He felt compelled to explain his actions with the ex-demon, but he wasn't sure how to do that. "I just wanted to say that I was sorry."
Buffy looked at him. He seemed to be struggling with something. She brushed it off and started to talk to him again. "I think that you've used up all your sorrys Spike." "I don't want you to be mad at me." "Well, it would help if you didn't have sex with my friends." Buffy said in an icy voice. "Look I was just there. We were talking I was looking for." "You were looking for someone to have sex with?" "No I was looking for a way to end." "To end what Spike?" "To end this." "This?" "This whole thing. It hurts my head to think about it too much. I just wanted it to go away. I was looking for a spell or something." "You were going to use a spell on me?" "Don't flatter yourself, luv. I was trying to find a spell to end all this pain. I hat e being your bloody slave that does anything you want at the drop of a hat. I wanted to be free from the misery. It was just too much. Don't you get it? You used me and now I don't think I can live with myself. Not after knowing what it feels like to be close to you."
Buffy looked at him. There was such pain in his eyes and she knew that she had cause most of it. It didn't help that she had basically treated him like shit the entire time. " When you came to the crypt that night, I thought that maybe you had come and changed your mind. Then you said. look I just wanted to stop all of this." Buffy had forgotten about her visit to his crypt the night he was caught with Anya. "Spike, look I know that I probably hurt you more then I know, but it doesn't make this any better. It doesn't make it any less wrong." "Don't you think I know that. Do you think that I like being your little lap dog that begs at your feet for just the smallest crumb? Please I know it's wrong more then you do. I'm not supposed to feel this way about you. I'm not supposed to care. But I do. You're in my system and I can't get you out. I've bloody changed everything in my life to suit your needs and still you push me away."
"That's because you are still the monster. Just because you have that chip in your head doesn't mean anything." "Doesn't mean anything! How many bloody times did I have the opportunity to kill you? Hundreds. But did I, no. It doesn't matter because I don't have a god damn soul!" "Exactly! You don't have a soul. Do you want me to believe that if you didn't have that chip in your head you wouldn't kill? I'm not stupid Spike. First chance of blood and you would take it." "Really then why didn't I? I had many times to kill you and I didn't you're just afraid." "Afraid of what? Loving you? I couldn't love you. You're a monster." Spike held a defeated look on his face, but it went away in a matter of seconds. He walked closer to Buffy. "Oh, really. You think that you don't love me? Bloody bullshit! I'll make you feel it." He grabbed Buffy's wrists and she struggled.
Buffy hadn't expected Spike to attack her, but he did. She started to struggle, but only half-heartedly. She was yelling at herself and wondering why she wasn't fighting back harder. Spike could tell that she wasn't up to her full potential and it made him curious. She would have kicked his ass by now, but she was still struggling to get out of his grasp. Spike loosened his hold on her and stared at her with a look of bewilderment on his face. "What I thought that you wanted to make me 'feel it'? Is it a problem that I'm not struggling? Come on Spike make me feel it." Spike was totally dumbfounded. Not only was she not kicking his ass she was welcoming him to rape her. Spike had never intended on doing that. Just scare her a little. Buffy couldn't believe what she was saying. She was telling Spike to rape her. It wasn't like her, but she couldn't stop the words from coming out. "What is your problem? Why aren't you taking advantage of me? Why? Why can't you just rape me? Why are you doing this?!"
Buffy fell to the floor in tears. She didn't understand what was wrong with her. Spike was surprised to see her like this. She was crying and he didn't know why. He bent closer to her. He was a little scared to touch her because she might very well realize that she should kick his ass. Buffy knew that he was hovering above her. She stared up at him with tears on her eyes. She didn't like him seeing her like this, but she couldn't help it. Spike saw the vulnerability in her eyes and knew that she wouldn't hurt him if he tried to comfort her. He sat down on the tile and brought Buffy close to him. He wrapped his arms around her and slowly rocked her back and forth. "'S alright, luv. Shh don't cry." Spike searched for the words to comfort Buffy. She was shaking and it was scaring him. He held her like that for over a half-hour until Buffy final stopped crying.
When Buffy final stopped crying she looked up at Spike with questioning eyes. "Why are you doing this?" "Doing what, pet?" "Being so nice. You're supposed to be a monster. You should have hurt me. Done something." "I couldn't hurt you Buffy. I had no intention of doing that. I just got so frustrated." "But hurting people is what you do. It's you." "It was me. I don't know how many times I've told you that. I'm not the same monster that I was. You've changed me. The Bit's changed me. I don't want to be that monster that you hate." "No, that can't be. You have to be evil. You don't have a soul." "Just because someone has a soul doesn't make them good. It shows that person the difference between what is right and wrong. It gives you a conscience, but it doesn't stop your choices. Serial killers have souls, but they still do those awful things." Buffy knew that he was right. She didn't want to admit it to herself right now, but she knew. "Luv, I think that maybe you should get cleaned up. If you want I'll wait, but if you don't want to talk things out then I have somewhere that I have to be." Buffy lifted her head, but was mute. She didn't know what to say to Spike. He was standing there expectantly, but she couldn't offer him anything.
Spike didn't know what was wrong with her. "Buffy, luv, come on don't you think that it would be best to get cleaned up. You don't look so good from patrol." Buffy continued to stare off into space. Spike knew that he wasn't going to get anywhere with her. She seemed to be in a state of denial or something. He picked her up and placed her on her bed. Then he went back to the bathroom and turned on the water. He warmed it slightly and filled up the tub until it was pretty full and then he went back into Buffy's room and tried to talk to her again. "Right, well I filled up the tub and 's all ret to go you just have to get in." Buffy remained mute. "Are you really gonna make me do this?" He looked at Buffy expecting her to answer, but she didn't. "Alright, but this is on you sodden head, luv." He scooped up Buffy and took her to the bathroom. He gently took off her robe. Buffy wanted to protest, but there was something in her telling her to wait. As if part of her was expecting something that would only come with patience.
After taking off her robe, Spike gently put Buffy in the tub. All the while he was doing this, he never looked at her once. "Now that you're in the tub, 's your decision if you want to get nice and clean. I'll leave you to your business." Spike left the bathroom and stood outside and waited hoping that it would shock her out of her state. He stood outside of the door for a good fifteen minutes before he checked on her. She was still in the same position and hadn't moved one bit. "Buffy you really need to clean yourself of. Are you gonna make me wash you off?" When he got no reply he decided that was exactly what he would have to do. With the shampoo in hand he began to wash her hair. Buffy was amazed at how gently Spike was being. He wasn't looking at her or anything. He was just. taking care of her and it amazed her. She felt Spike pour water on her head and knew that he was rinsing of the shampoo. She closed her eyes so that it wouldn't get in her eyes.
Spike had never clean someone that wasn't himself and he wasn't exactly sure what to do. He picked up another bottle the said conditioner and applied it to Buffy's head. He knew enough to know that you had to let conditioner sit awhile. Now for the difficult part. Actually washing her body. "Um. Buffy looked you can either get out of this little trance or I can wash you up. I really do feel a little uncomfortable doing this, but you are kinda leaving me no choice." Buffy still didn't respond. She was still amazed that Spike was being so gentle. The hits just kept coming when he said that he was uncomfortable at seeing her naked and cleaning her off. "Alright." Spike put some soap on a wash cloth and started to wash her back. her picked up her right arm and started cleaning that when Buffy spoke up. "I can do it." " 'Bout time, luv. I was starting to get a little worried. Here." Spike handed her the wash cloth and was about to leave when he heard Buffy say, "Will you wait until I'm done?" " 'Cor luv." Spike then went outside in to Buffy' s room. He waited for Buffy to finish up.
Buffy finished cleaning up and put her robe back on. She was still a little amazed by Spike's gentleness. She didn't know how to comprehend it. She decided not to and walked into her room. She saw Spike sitting at the edge of her bed playing with the hem of his duster. He seemed in deep thought about something. "So, you waited." "You asked me to." "Listen Spike, I hope you know that this doesn't change things. It doesn't make things all right." "I know and that is why I've decided to leave. Only for a little while, but I have to do something." "You're leaving me?" Buffy's voice sounded a little more hurt then she intended it to. "Look, pet, I have to go. It's something that I have to do. If I don't I think that things will just get worse between us. I can't sit here and watch you die and I can't stay away form you. Hence the dilemma." "Spike just because I don't want to be with you doesn't me you have to leave. Please stay." "I can't. There is something that I have to do."
Spike got up and made his way to the door. He looked at Buffy and saw the sadness in her eyes, but he wouldn't stay. Even if looking at her was killing him, he couldn't stay. He was determined to do this. Buffy saw the determination in his eyes and knew that she had lost. He was going to leave her. She knew that he said it was only for a little while, but he was still leaving her. In a desperate attempt to keep him there she kissed him. It was a soft kiss that didn't have any passion behind it, but it soon developed into something more. Buffy tried to open his mouth with her tongue. Spike tried to fight her, but it was impossible. Soon he just eased into the kiss and found himself kissing her back. Buffy started to push him to the bed and Spike knew he had to stop her.
"Buffy we can't do this. I know you're just trying to get me to stay, but I." Spike didn't have time to answer as Buffy crushed her lips against his, again. She needed him to stay with her and she wasn't going to let him go that easily. Spike tried again to stop her, "Please Buffy let me leave in peace." "Spike you can't leave me. Please don't leave me." Spike saw a mixture of emotions on Buffy's eyes. She was sad, afraid, vulnerable and nervous all at the same time. He knew that she needed him, but he didn't know how to react. She wasn't usually like this. "Buffy you know that I would give you anything that you want, but I have to do this." "Why does everyone leave me? Why can't just one person stay? I need you to stay." "I'll stay with you tonight, but I don't know about tomorrow." "Then we'll just have to see what tomorrow brings." Buffy looked into Spike's eyes and saw that he wouldn't be there tomorrow. She started to kiss him again. This kiss was more about wanting and desperation then the other two kisses. Spike could tell where this was leading.
"Buffy we don't." "Shh, I want to. If you're going to leave me tomorrow then we only have tonight. I know that I don't love you, but I do care about you. Please Spike." Buffy felt like a little kid who was begging to get her way, but she needed him tonight. "Okay." Spike let all his feelings on why this was wrong float away and just enjoyed this time. Buffy was right. He only had tonight to be with her one last time. He had no idea about what his journey might bring. He might die and never had touched her again. Buffy slowly took of her robe revealing all of herself to Spike. He could never get over how beautiful she was. Each time he saw her he thought that. He wanted to touch her, but was afraid, almost shy at what she might do if he did. He was afraid that this would all end. Buffy sensed his debate because she lay down on the bed and pulled Spike on top of her. She needed him now and thought about how long it had been. Spike took it slowly as he let his hands caress her body. Buffy trembled at his slight touch. He could always make her feel this way.
Spike kissed her on the lips. It was a quick, soft kiss and then he started to kiss her neck. He wanted this moment to last forever and wanted to take it slowly. He started to place light kiss all over her body. He wanted to kiss each part of her. Buffy was getting a little impatient and wanted to feel his cool skin against hers. She impatiently took off his shirt. Spike was surprised at how fast Buffy was going with this. He stopped his caress for a moment and looked at her. Her eyes were glassy. She was definitely very aroused. He did nothing as she took off his shirt and started to take off his pants. He just wanted to stare at her for the rest of time. She was just so beautiful. Buffy wondered why Spike had stopped caressing her. She had thought it was because she started to take off his clothes, but they had been long off and he was still not moving. "Spike." Buffy's voice was filled with dread and uncertainty. "Yes, luv?" "Are you okay? You stopped." Spike didn't need her to finish before he answered her, "I was just admiring how beautiful you are." Spike waited for Buffy to totally disregard it and keep working on her feeble attempts to undress him.
Buffy didn't know what to say. Usually Spike would say those things and she wouldn't even be paying attention. She would be to eager to have sex with him. She wondered just how many times he had said those things. How many times he had complimented her and she didn't even notice or care. "Spike I." "Shh you don't havta say anything. Jus' the fact that you let me say them is enough." Spike leaned into to kiss her again. Buffy instantly wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer to her and deepen the kiss. Spike slowly moved his hands up and down her body in a sensual motion. Buffy moaned into his mouth. When Buffy was all out of breath she looked up at him and said, "Spike please." She was begging again. For some reason he had that effect on her. Spike could see that she really wanted her release and Spike had to give it to her. He ran his hand up her thigh to her sex and felt that she was very wet. He slowly pushed inside of her.
Buffy moaned as Spike started to thrust himself in and out of her. She was taken aback by his gentle approach to things. All Buffy could do was moan and thrust her hips as Spike repeatedly pushed inside of her until they were both spent. Spike collapsed on top of Buffy as soon as they had climaxed. They both lay there motionless until Buffy spoke up. "That was nice." She didn't know what else to say. It was the best thing that she had ever experienced in her life. He was so gentle and he took it slow. She never remembered it being so. intimate. "Yeah it was, luv." Spike lifted his head to look at her. Some loss strands of her curly blonde hair were in her face and he carefully brushed them away. "What do you want to do now, pet." Spike said as he rolled over on his side and off of her. Buffy wanted to whimper from the loss of contact, but she controlled herself. "Maybe you could just hold me until I fall asleep."
Spike started at her for a minute and the said, "If that's what you want." He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him. Buffy relished how well they seemed to fit together. She shivered slightly at the touch of his cold skin, but soon laid back and enjoyed this little bit of normalcy. She had never done this before with Spike. It had always been have sex and then go. She never wanted anything more then that. Now she did and what perfect timing she had. He was leaving her. Sure he said that he would come back, but he was still going. All because of this stupid relationship that they had. She knew that it was her fault that things were totally screwed up. "Um. this feel nice." "Yeah it does. Now go to sleep." "Okay." "Sweet dreams." Buffy fell asleep instantly and Spike watched her as she rested so peacefully.
It was the first time that he had actually got to see her sleep. Sure he had seen her when she was asleep, but never when she knew that he was there. Now he had her in his arms and she was sleeping. She trusted him enough to fall asleep in his arms. Spike knew that in the morning before she woke up he would have to leave her. It would be very painful for him to leave her. This was something he had to do though. For himself and for her. She would find out exactly what it was and maybe they could start over again. From scratch. Spike's eyes started to close shut and he fell asleep with the thought that maybe one day Buffy and him could finally be together. He wasn't even thinking about the hard thing that he would have to do in the morning. He was only thinking about her.
Buffy woke up feeling refreshed. She had forgotten for a second exactly what she had been doing the night before and then the thought dawned on her. Spike. She rolled over hopping against hope that he had decided not to leave her. Her hopes were crushed when she didn't feel him in her bed. She looked around the room. There was no trace that he had even been there. Buffy looked at the clock on her nightstand. It was only 9:00 o'clock. Buffy was about to get up when she saw something out of the corner of her eye. It was a paper with her name on it. She recognized the writing as Spike's. She eagerly opened it and began to read.
Dear Buffy, I left early this morning. I didn't want to wake you so I decided to leave you this letter. You know that I don't have the best way with words so bare with me. I know that you didn't want me to leave although why still remains to be seen. I guess that I will just have to wonder until I come back. I wanted to say that I will miss you and that I am coming back. This is just something that I have to do. For both of us. I know that right now my motives are unclear, but you'll see soon enough. I hope that once I get back we can start over and things could be good between us. I'm sorry for any pain that I might have caused you. I just wanted to say that even though right now things are still going pretty lousy that you can't give up. I want you to keep fighting. You have to keep fighting. I will love you always and I thank you for finally letting me say it to you. Even if you don't return my love. I will come back to you. Send the Bit my regards and tell her not to worry about me. And you don't worry about me either.
Sincerely,
William
Buffy read and reread the letter over and over again. He was really gone. Of course he said that he would come back, but neither were sure. Buffy decided that she would take his advice and keep fighting. There was still the matter of the nerds. She would get them soon enough. Buffy put on her fighting clothes and headed downstairs. Somehow she knew that everything was going to be fine and that Spike would come back and be her strength. She took his words to heart as she got ready to face another day of slayer life hell.
A/N: Okay so whatcha think. I actually kinda like it. I hope that you do to. Like I said I wanted it to be a one-chapter thing, but I could add more. Just send me a review about what you think. Please review though. I just love to read what other people think about my story.
