"You're special too…" she looked at her in response, soaked in her jeans and tshirt, she looked amazing, she smiled at her understated beauty.
"Anyway let's beach it," said Marissa taking control of the situation once more.
"I'll go get changed" she came back and took Marissa's hand leading her swiftly out the door.
They started their slow amble to the beach.
"I hate it when Newport's like this" frowned Marissa, contorting her face into a child like expression of misery.
"I don't know…I like gloomy weather some times"
"Why?"
"Gives you space to think. Puts a new perspective on things" she nodded at her own statement. Marissa merely smiled. "Marissa?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I take you somewhere?"
"Umm yeah, where is it?"
"I'll let you know when we get there" she stuck out her tongue in a playful way and turned back to face the concrete.
"What did you tell Jodie when you made her leave?"
"What?"
"Sorry. I didn't mean anything by it, just ignore me if you want" she smiled weakly and Alex faced her, wondering whether to believe her, or see if it had been playing on her mind. Her face softened after a few seconds.
"I told her, she should leave because I didn't love her, I didn't want to be with her, and that I wanted something new" she said slowly but with little breath.
"Something new?"
"Yeah"
"Seth wasn't something new?"
"Not to me. I don't like it when I can predict exactly what's happening, but I do like to be in control. When I can find that situation I guess I'll be happy"
"I've always wanted just a mix of everything…never slow, never fast, just never anything for too long"
"I need a Good reason to stay anywhere long enough, my jobs ok, but I like the people in Newport"
"I hate Newport," she said stubbornly
"Why?"
"The people, my history here, I just wish I could go somewhere else…even for a little while"
"It's nice to have roots though" she said, she sounded slightly quiet, almost envious of Marissa's stressful family situation. Marissa said nothing after this, just kept quiet. The rest of the walk was just spent in quiet observation between them, sometimes separate, sometimes they would look at the same thing, or each other. Slyly of course, without the other knowing.
They were soon at the beach. Both just stood for a minute breathing in the sea air and watching the strange eerie fog drift by. The visibility wasn't bad, neither was it good, they could see far enough in front of themselves to see the waves breaking from the shore. They cared not to strain their eyes to look further, besides, after the wake; it was always just calm blue water.
"Amazing isn't it" whispered Alex.
"Huh?" stirred Marissa waking from some deep thought
"The way the entire thing could swallow you whole. There's a few steps between land and sea, between life and death. It could eat us alive"
"Like a monster?" Marissa questioned, again with a cheerful child like quality to her. She developed this more being around Alex. She felt real.
"Like a monster" Alex said in the affirmative, not quite in the same tone, but she smiled and nodded all the same. "Come with me" she whispered, and took Marissa's hand. She headed in a direction down the beach that lead to nowhere, so Marissa thought at least.
Eventually, after lots of fog and sand, there was a small shape visible.
"There it is" smiled Alex. "You promise not to laugh?"
"Why would I laugh?"
"It might seem stupid to you."
"I doubt it" she smiled. "So? What is it?"
"It's my tree" sure enough as the fog cleared an old dead, driftwood tree was lying there, neglected in the sand. Marissa looked puzzled, a smile didn't break out, and she waited for more information.
"I used to spend most of my time here until I met you…lame I know. It's just somewhere no one would think to mean so much to anyone. Reflecting place.
Peaceful place"
"Why did you show me?"
"If I ever went missing. This is where I'd be" Marissa looked puzzled again. "If I ever went missing. You're the only person I'd want to find me right now. You're the only person who knows"
"Thanks Alex, this means a lot" she smiled. Her words didn't feel enough somehow. Another time where all the dictionaries in the world couldn't fill the silence between them.
"Sit down" Alex commanded gently, she sat first, Marissa following next to her, resting her head peacefully on her shoulder.
"Tell me what you're thinking," commanded Alex yet again, slightly more forceful this time. It didn't seem threatening, but Marissa instantly understood she needed to answer the question.
"That I wished I had a place like this to escape to"
"You can share my place whenever you like, it's getting tiresome being lonely and grumpy" they smiled, a small silence passed again.
"So what are you thinking about?"
"You" she answered quickly, it was as though she didn't intend to be that open, but once it was out, she could do nothing, and words cannot be unsaid. She blamed her subconscious state on the verbal outburst.
"What about me?" Marissa questioned, there was a flirty tone to her voice, she was fully taking advantage of Alex's slip of her mind.
"I think a lot of things about you, we're close"
"I agree" she smiled. "Anything specific though?" She reared her head from the space she had been on Alex's shoulder, and faced her directly. Marissa raised an eyebrow to provoke a response.
"I'm thinking about what you said about leaving, I think maybe I should leave. Instead of you"
"Why should you leave?" Marissa urged, panic stricken.
"I think if I see myself complicating a lot of things, messing things up"
"You can't leave on a hunch something might happen?"
"Why not?"
"Because that's so selfish! I need a friend like you." Marissa insisted. More desperation was straining in her voice by now.
"Then that makes you selfish" she said matter-of-factly.
"If you leave. I'll follow you there"
"Don't say things you don't mean Marissa. It's a sin to lie to me on my own tree" she sounded slightly threatening, even with the light heartedness of the claim.
"But I would"
"Really?" she looked down, and nodded, firmly biting her bottom lip.
"What if I couldn't take you with me?"
"Why couldn't you?"
"Stop retaliating with questions"
"Answer me" she said, slightly annoyed.
"Ok. I'm riding a motorbike and there's only one seat. My luggage filled the entire car, and there's no space for you. What reason does it matter? Just answer me!"
"I find it incredibly hard to believe you asked me that question over a simple logistics issue"
"Well it's true"
"You can't lie on this tree" Alex stood up suddenly and took two paces forward. Without turning to look at her, she stated;
"It's true"
"Just tell me damn it!" Marissa stood up, her voice almost at a yell. She paced forward to Alex and grabbed her by the arm.
"I can't ruin this Marissa! I can't let my stupid feelings take over everything I do! I can't let one of my closest friends get hurt because I've been so selfish to act on an impulse. It would be less painful for you if I left" there was a silence. Alex's breathing was heavy and angered; she looked stressed, halfway between tearful and frustrated.
"Hurt me" Marissa spoke softly.
"What?" questioned Alex with definite impatience.
"Hurt me. If that's what you're scared of, do it. I want you to. I'll risk it! You have my fucking permission Alex! Just fucking hurt me!" she screamed the last part so close to Alex's face, her breath made her hair move. She stayed in that position. Both breathing in an angry harmony. Alex slowly took her shaking hands and placed them on Marissa's hips. Marissa daren't look, but nor did she dare look away. Fixing her gaze on Alex as she drew herself forward. They were now so close. They both closed their eyes simultaneously and moved forward. There was a tiny kiss first; practically testing the water, then it progressed. They both felt so confused and yet calm, like a duck paddling strenuously under the water, but nothing on the surface.
Kissing one another was an odd situation for both, but pleasing all the same.
Marissa was amazed kissing anyone could feel like that, Alex, just amazed Marissa had let her. They broke apart softly. Their faces still touching but their eyes were now open.
"So?" asked Alex whispered, albeit bluntly.
"it didn't hurt at all" smiled Marissa.
