Chapter 2

RULES AND REGULATIONS OF SELF-INSERTION FANFICS FOR AUTHORESSES © 2004

I. Authoresses in possession of bishonen may not, under any circumstances, use flirtatiousness, seduction, and/or brute force to attempt to obtain bishonen already claimed by other authoresses. If caught in such acts, they will be severely punished by penalty of a large, green parakeet sprouting out of their upper left ear and squawking the "I Know a Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves" song at them periodically.

II. Authoresses shall not use the word, "antidisestablishmentarianism" except to point out how gosh darn smart they are. They may not use this word in its correct context. If found disobeying this rule, they shall be severely punished by penalty of two giant, unabridged dictionaries binding themselves to the soles of their feet and spouting facts of knowledge at them constantly.

III. If an authoress is caught in the act and/or evidence is found incriminating them of using objects that defy the laws of physics, gravity, and/or human capabilities (i.e., magic) to enhance their fanfic experiences without a permit granted by the Honorable Judge Puffin, they will be severely punished by penalty of being forced to wear hideous, knitted, green-plaid toe-socks that make the wearer's feet execute a whirl-wind salsa dance for the entire time of punishment. Such items prohibited include, but are not limited too, the following:

•Wands

•Possessed Empty Coffee Cans

•Orbs

•Broomsticks

•Books

•Nifty Pointed Hats

IV. Authoresses shall not use their powers to kill off other authoresses, nor shall they use them to maim/injure their fellows. Those found guilty of such crimes shall be severely punished by penalty of a nagging little child following them everywhere and whacking them over the head with a lollypop at random intervals.

V. An authoress bound by this code may not, under any circumstances, kill off characters already in the show they are inserting themselves in, no matter how ugly, maniacal, rude, or fashion deprived they may be. Those blameworthy of this heinous act shall be severely punished by connection at the middle finger to the character(s) they tried to dispose of.

VI. Authoresses may not squeeze their toothpaste tubes from the middle, under penalty of death.

VII. Descriptions of an authoress's person, garments, or bishonen shall be limited to one page, maximum. Offenders will be severely punished by penalty of cheesy beach souvenir bobble-heads doing the Mexican hat dance atop their heads.

All penalties listed above shall last for 24 hours. An authoress may, under special circumstances, be granted a permit to carry out one of these actions, but these occasions are extremely rare. Directly after violating a rule, the offender shall be automatically transported to the court of the Honorable Judge Puffin and his prestigious Jury of Muffins where they shall be tried to the fullest extent of fanfiction law. Authoresses, Bishonen, Characters, and Inanimate Objects having witnesses the crime will also be transported, and the fic shall freeze until court adjourns.

I understand the rules, regulations, and punishments listed above, and realize that if I disobey a rule, I will be punished.

X TypoNumber5

X BeagleBLOOMerz

X Mary Sue of Maryville

--$--$--$--$--$--

Woah...this is on a 12th grade reading level. . . .

SPIFFY!!!

WAAAAAAHHHH!!! I-it's-ss..... all you-you're....... F-FAULT!!!! All I wanted t-to-TO DO WAS G-Gl-GLOMP K-K-URAMA-AH-AH-AH-AH AND HAVE HIM ALL TO MYSELF!! I-issss th-that SOOO much to AAASSSKKKKK???? I-IS ITTTTT??????

Don't worry Sue. With a contract, we'll ALL be happy in the end. You might not get every bishie in the story, but at least at the end of the day our limbs will be safely connected to our bodies and won't be twisted at odd angles.

Hmm.... twelfth grade. . . .

OWW!! What was that for??

S'ALLL YOOOU'RE FOOOAAAUUULLLTTTTT!! Anh-hanh, anh-hanh, WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

: : : ::!--(-&-)(-$-!-$-)(-&-)--!:: : : :

Kurama ambled through Meiou High's double-doors, bag slung over his shoulder. Oh yes, he thought to himself, I'm supposed to meet Hiei at the park today. He nodded at some 3rd year girls looking his way, waved at his 1st period lab partner sitting over by the bench, and strolled across the crosswalk to step onto the lush green grass of the park over the street from the high school. Just as he was checking his watch, he heard an odd noise coming from a bush.

"Teehee!!"

A rustling sound, then a dull thud seemingly of a hand making contact with a skull. Was that a human groan?

He frowned and peered in the direction of the sound.

"Kurama. I've been waiting for you."

Kurama whirled around to see Hiei standing in front of him, arms folded behind his back.

"Hello, Hiei. Did you hear that noise coming from the rhododendron bush over there?"

Hiei pulled his hands from behind his back, revealing three limp girls: two small ones held roughly by the scruffs of their necks in one hand, and a taller one in a similar position in the other. We're not exactly sure how he managed to conceal three teenage girls behind his small frame; perhaps it was the hair. "You mean these pathetic things' scufflings?"

Kurama's brow furrowed. ".... Yes. . . ." Suddenly, one of the smaller ones bit Hiei's hand and jumped to the ground causing him to release her and the other in disgust. She brushed the twigs and dust from her clothes. And what strange clothes they were. She was wearing-

No no no!! At LEAST let me write this part!!

Fine, but no more than a page, remember.

-a beautiful silk gown, in the traditional Chinese style....except prettier. It was black, with a weird, I-Don't-Remember-the-Name-For-It collar/neckline (it's the one with the turtle-neck-type thing that's folded over and then has the little buttons . . like Yuki Sohma in Fruits Basket wears occasionally) and stitched red, orange, yellow, and purple blossoms creeping up the embroidered vine running along the knee-length slit. The sleeves cut off at the shoulders, and matching black silk, elbow-length gloves adorned her petit hands and forearms. Her dark-dark-dark-dark brown hair was elegantly pulled up in chopsticks, and she was wearing Wine-Dipped-Cherry lipstick from Mac, as well as perfectly applied eyeliner and shimmery shadow.

Okay, that's good! No more, you'll get carried away.

The girl straightened up. "Remember me, Suuiji, or should I say, Youkou?" A smirk played on her lips, and she raised an eyebrow.

"Eh..... no. No I don't."

"Well, you wouldn't remember me like this, of course. I," she paused dramatically, " I am the REINCARNATION OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL GERMAN PRINCESS!!!" By now, she had lost all aura of sophistication, and had her arms extended to the skies, a triumphant, maniacal leer stretched across her face.

"Eh....." he took a step backwards. But then, a sudden memory seemed to slap him in the face as abruptly as if with Kuwabara's giant Spirit Flyswatter. "Oh, yes! I remember. A long time ago, Koronue and I were in Germany robbing a Cheese Museum, and he wanted to stop in Hamburg, because it IS the clubbing capitol of the world, after all, and we all know how Kuronue loves techno music."

All listeners stared incredulously at Kurama.

"Um.... well ah, yeah. So he dragged me to a skanky nightclub where the theme was Princess for a Day, and all the barmaids were dressed in slutty "princess" costumes. As I recall it, while Koronue was doing the robot with a group of skiing tourists, I went to the bar and had, well, let's say a few to many mugs of the German whiskey... and if I remember correctly, before I passed out, I told the barmaid serving me something about her being my beautiful German princess...."

Sue's arms flopped to her sides and her entire body slumped. "Well, it sounds a whole lot better when the authoress says it and the bishie just falls in love with her WITHOUT ruining the moment." She flopped down in the grass and crossed her arms over her chest, a rare position for Sue.

The other small one, who also had been released from Hiei's grip, now got to HER feet.

YAY!!!

Ow, TYPO!!! You didn't have to knock me out of the chair, now I'm gonna have a nasty bruise on my-

-SHE was wearing an ultra-nifty super-hero cape, which billowed out behind her in an oh-so-spifftacular way, along with black cargo pants and a blue t-shirt with a big, red-bordered yellow "T" on it. She also had an ITTY-BITTY mask concealing her true identity... or at least a few freckles on the bridge of her nose and around her eyes... beneath its snazzy blue shininess. "Well, I am no barmaid, I am Hiei's LONG LOST SISTER!!!" She struck a dramatic pose. Hiei's eyes narrowed.

"How do you come to that conclusion?" His voice dripped with sarcasm.

Well," she smiled, warming up to her story, "A long time ago, like when the world started and all that good stuff, there were four men and four women."

Everyone leaned forward, intrigued.

"A fat one a skinny one a tall one and a short one."

They all sweat dropped unanimously.

"Sooooew. . . . the short guy married the short girl, and they had kids, who somehow managed to find MORE short people and had short kids with them, and so on. So in theory we're related, Hiei.... about three hundred generations back!" She beamed at the ensemble.

Hiei blinked. "But.... I'm not human...."

Wait.... DELETE!!! Why isn't it deleting, Beagle??

Um... I dunno.. was that in the contract?

HOW COULD MY BELOVED SOCIAL CONTRACT FAIL ME????

(sniff) Phooey. I'll show your muffin.... puffin...THINGY.

So, just forget that last part, what ACTUALLY happened was that Hiei did NOT realize the flaw in Typo's logic, and simply gave her a look that would make a more alert authoress drop dead on the spot. He now turned his attention to the third girl who was still held in his grasp. "And you?" He asked her, "I suppose YOU actually married Kurama one night when he was unconscious, or something about that level of intellect."

"Not quite!" she chirped, and flashed her dazzling white non-braces teeth at him. "Now, could you please let go of my oh-so-adorable lace choker?? I can't breathe."

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice." He reluctantly dropped her to the ground.

She straightened up and smoothed her dress. Now this dress, it's designer seemed to have somehow morphed the patterns for a small female child's Easter dress and a Playboy bunny's cover outfit.... except not as skanky. It was so cute, so feminine, so flattering and girly and attractive, it gave all bystanders observing her either drooling spasms and dirty thoughts, longing or envious fantasies, or the urgent need for a puke-pan or bucket. The skirt was a few inches under knee-length; it was light blue with ruffles trimming the hem, as well as several layers of intricately patterned lace petticoats underneath. The girl was (of course) wearing cream-colored bloomers. The dress's waistline was V-shaped and also bordered in lace. The bodice was made of a soft, cream-colored fabric, with the minisculely laced empire-line- (which was gathered by a tiny blue ribbon)-d bust diamond-pleated baby blue and cream. The square neckline was, AGAIN, bordered in lace, with a soft, azure-colored ruffle peeking out from underneath. Folds of fabric drooped behind or beneath her arms, depending on the wind, and was attached at the armhole and tied with ribbons at the wrists. She was wearing a lacey choker and a ruffled bow around her ankle. The front strands of her layered, brunette-flecked-blonde hair were pulled back with (what else?) powder blue ribbons. Her feet were bare, but somehow managed to stay protected and clean. In short, a "Chi Dress"(Chobits, anyone?).

"Kurama and I were best friends as children, we did everything together. But then, during a terrible flu epidemic, we were tragically separated. I was in love with him even as a child, but I didn't want to say anything and ruin our relationship. But now I'm all grown up, and I'm HERE!" She threw her arms wide and a sincere look of love conveyed itself through her features.

Kurama blinked, and then had a flashback.

--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

Chibi Kurama is standing in line for a flu shot behind a girl with brown pigtails. The girl is holding a lollipop.

Chibi Kurama says, "What flavor is that?"

Chibi Girl says, "Cherry. What's your favorite?"

Chibi Kurama says, "I like pineapple-flavored ones."

The girl smiles, and then a nurse appears and leads her by the hand into the vaccination room.

--END--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

"Ah, yes, you were the girl in the flu shot line with the lollipop. But how did you know my name??

--REWINDING--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

Chibi Kurama says, "What flavor is that?"

--PAUSE--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

Still shot of Chibi Kurama in the middle of closing his mouth with hospital nametag pinned on shirt bearing the Sharpie-inscription:

HELLO. MY NAME IS-

SUUICHI/KURAMA

--END--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

"Ah."

Hiei spoke. "Come now, Kurama. What is the REAL story behind this fresh batch of nonsense?"

Kurama leaned down to whisper in Hiei's pointed ear.

Hiei snerked, and then began all-out belly-laughing.

Beagle looked around, crestfallen. "What???"

Through his chortles, Hiei managed to stutter, "Ch-ch-CHERRY FLAVOR!!!!"

Beagle' features contorted into her trademark "Sour-Citrus Face"(which Sue stole). "Well, it sounded good at the time!!" In a huff, she plopped down on the grass alongside Sue and Typo and took her rightful place in the Pout Club.

At that moment, Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Keiko wandered into the scene.

Yusuke began talking. "Hey, Kurama, Mini-me, where've—"

He stopped short and stared at the three fangirls sitting in the grass. "Um.... should I even ask?"

Kurama turned his weary gaze on his partner in anti-crime and shook his head. Hiei gladly supplied, "These three weaklings have somehow wandered into our lives and claim to be long-lost acquaintances." He turned his head toward them. "It seems that—Woah! Did you just change outfits???"

Sue smiled and smoothed down her newly acquired clothing. It consisted of a suit made up of a navy blue blazer over a cream-colored blouse with a matching navy scarf around her neck, as well as a knee-length, slightly flared blue skirt. The entire thing was perfectly tailored and fitting. Oh, and she had matching heels and her hair was still up minus the chopsticks.

Hey guys, we have to have breakfast, you know.

Oh yeah.....

I need caffeinated tea....

My Mom can fix us Chinese dumplings!! ..... Hey, don't give me that look, it's better than....

.... than....

... than McDonalds, okay??

Okay, commercial time!!

$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$

Kurama wades through a stinking heap of dead demons. His hair falls in front of his face, and he wrinkles his nose in disgust at the overpowering stench wafting from his tresses.

"Curses!" the bishonen exclaims cheesily. "I can't go fighting an evil, foreboding demon while smelling like THIS!"

Suddenly, Hiei magically appears seated on a cloud hovering above the hair-conscience boy. "Does YOUR hair smell like rotting demon carcasses?" He calls out to no one in particular.

Kurama, intrigued, looks up and cries, "YES!"

"Are YOU getting split ends from constant exposure to demon fumes?"

"YES!!"

Hiei continues. "Is YOUR lustrous color faded and dull because of your continuous encounters with demon aura?"

"YES!!!"

""Well then," the camera zooms in on Hiei, "YOU need Rosessence Moisturizing/BodyfyING/Color enhancing Shampoo and Conditioner!" He holds up a bottle and flashes a toothpaste commercial smile… in a shampoo commercial. The cloud he is perched on begins to rain steaming hot water on Kurama, who begins lathering the shampoo into his hair. A heavenly chorus made up of Yusuke, Kuwabara, Botan, Koenma, Yukina, and Keiko APPEARS, singing the Herbal Essence jingle… ONLY…

"I've got the urge for Rosessence!!!!!!!"

Cue more blinding-white toothiness.

The camera cuts to a scene of an evil demon in the process of taking over the world. SUDDENLY, Kurama appears, a determined expression fixed on his face. He shakes out his silky, scarlet-crimson, glossy hair. A cloud of rose petals floats out from his beautiful, flowery-scented hair.

The evil, world-dominating demon stops in mid oppression. "Oh, it's sooooooo gorgeous…!"

At that moment, one of the roses stabs the evil, world-dominating demon in the heart.

The camera zooms in on Kurama's face. Kurama smiles seductively at the camera from behind his ruby bangs.

Hiei MAGICALLY appears and announces:

"Rosessence Moisturizing/BodifyING/Color Enhancing Shampoo and Conditioner. Fight like the true goddess you are!"

$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$

"Authoress powers, dear demon." Sue smirked.

"I'm not familiar with these... AUTHORESS abilities...." Hiei's eyes narrowed in distrust.

"Don't worry about it."

Beagle lifted her head from her hands and proclaimed, "Hey! That's a good idea, I honestly don't know how Chi lives with all these ruffles 24/7!!"

Beagle was NOW wearing designer Calvin Klein jeans as well as a pretty, fuchsia-colored halter-top, which had a flattering V-neckline with folds of silver-trimmed fabric trimming it and continuing down the center of her torso to her midriff, where they fanned out to continue around her waistline. There was a silver belt around her waist, and her ears were adorned with dangly silver earrings. She also had thin silver bracelets and pink tennies. And her hair was in a high half-ponytail.

"Wow. I love self-insert fics!!"

"Well, I like my outfit!" Typo stubbornly announced.

Yusuke just stared blankly at the girls. At that moment, Keiko spoke up. "Yusuke, you wouldn't like those girls better than me, would you?"

Yusuke rolled his eyes. "No, Keiko, I don't like them better than you, they're frikkin' insane." He turned to the three fangirls and struck a dramatic Shakespearian pose. "I pray thee, do not fall in love with me, for I am falser than vows made in wine. And besides.... I like you not."

WTF???? Beagle, why is Yusuke speaking in abridged Shakespearian language??

Wha-.... OMG!! Sorry, I was practicing for the play!!!

"Woah, WOAH, WHERE ARE WE GOING??" Beagle screamed as corny blue Twilight Zone light surrounded them and all characters present began falling in a swirly curly-Q pattern as odd synthesizer music played, clocks ticked, and somewhere out of visibility range, a John Deere tractor revved up.

"Oof!" The wind was knocked out of Typo as her body unceremoniously crashed into the ground. But it would be incorrect to call it the ground, for what Typo saw when she opened her eyes was the blurry outline of a polished wooden floor. She hazily rolled onto her back to see a strange, flat, circular object with what appeared to be a nose, eyes, and a mouth peering down at her. It handed her her glasses (which she happened to be wearing even though she normally wears contacts). She took them and put them on to reveal that the object in question was a walking, talking-

"You should wear contacts, my authoress lass.

Such violent entrances will shatter that glass."

-RHYMING waffle. And it was leering at her. She got to her feet and drew herself up to her full 5-foot height.

"And who might you be, oh gridiron bard?

I don't remember writing in such a 'tard!"

She blinked.

"Did I just speak in rhyme?"

At that moment, Sue strode up.

"Is that such a crime?"

"Not you too!"

"Yes, I, Mary Sue."

They looked around to see Beagle, Yusuke, Hiei, Kurama, Kuwabara, Yukina, and Keiko just getting up and rubbing their skulls. Suddenly, the sound of a gavel banging on wood brought the fanficcers (Yes, it IS a lame word, get used to it.) to attention. A gigantic puffin wearing a bowler hat sat in the pulpit of what was now plain to see a courtroom. He set his gavel down, which had a head shaped like a muffin. And on the topic of muffins, there was an entire jury bench filled up with animated, grinning ones. The singing poetry-inclined waffle proceeded to direct the confused newcomers:

"You, in the pink, have broken a rule,

Laid down in the contract that is ever so cool.

So you're the defendant. Go sit in that chair.

The one that's behind the table over there."

Beagle looked around, utterly bewildered, and slowly made her way to the table in question.

"The rest of you people witnessed the offense

So now, get a move on! Don't be so dense!

Sit on the benches at the back of the hall

Until it's your name to the box that we call."

The characters began muttering vehemently to each other, but whether it was the authoritative gleam in the waffle's eye, the menacing presence of the oversized puffin glaring down at them from his perch, or the fact that there was a talking waffle and a gargantuan puffin ordering them around, the characters sat down in their respective seats. The muffin continued:

"The first witness I call to the stand,

Is Yusuke Urameshi, the assaulted young man."

Yusuke hesitantly walked to the front of the courtroom and stood inside the box. The waffle strode over to face him and held out a muffin tin.

"Put your hand on the tin, most honorable sir,

And swear that the truth, with your words, shall concur."

Yusuke tentatively reached out a hand, as if the tin in question would suddenly sprout long, deadly fangs and reduce his fingers to pulp if he touched it. When nothing of the sort happened, words began spilled out of his mouth, to the surprise of the Spirit Detective.

"I solemnly swear, as the Judge shall observe,

That my lips shall not lie with one single word.

And if such should happen, I hereby agree,

To serve out my punishment with all dignity."

Kuwabara couldn't help snickering at this sudden spewing of verse from the guy currently holding the title of Big, Tough, Mean Dude on Campus at their high-school. Yusuke shot him a death-glare.

The waffle continued:

"Now tell me this, Mister Urameshi man,

During the course of the last ten-minute span,

Did you find yourself speaking in Shakespearian tongue,

And generally doing things unlike your usual fun?"

Yusuke paused for a second and then the words came out:

"Well yes, it was odd, I'd have to suppose,

I was even striking a thespian pose,

I didn't understand what it meant at the time,

In fact, I still don't know why I'm speaking in rhyme."

The waffle decisively turned around and said over his shoulder:

"That's good for now, you've said all I need,

Back to your seat you may now proceed."

Yusuke hesitantly moved back to the safety of the benches.

"Now, as you'll see in the contract I hold,

In the very fine print underneath the bold,

It states very clearly that an authoress may not

Change a character's personality to fit her plot."

-The waffle intoned. Beagle rose out of her seat.

"Wait, that's not fair, I wrote no such thing!"

"The fine print says you did, my darling."

He now took a post-it note handed down to him from Judge Puffin and began to read:

"It seems the punishment for such,

Isn't at all an ordeal or so much.

Between now and tomorrow when the clock strikes two,

You may only eat foods beginning with the letter 'W'.

Court is adjourned; this good lesson you've learned."

With another solemn bang of the gavel, our heroes were sent flying once more into the blue-lighted-spinney-whirl-pool-thing, complete with nauseous feelings, clocks ticking, and John Deere tractors revving. Nobody can quite explain this last part, so don't even ask.

Beagle hit the grass of the park once more, and as she lay there, waiting for the accusing glares of the bishonen to sink in, she wondered where she could find some Won-ton soup . . . or perhaps just an INanimate package of waffles . . .

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BeagleBLOOMerz's AN:

Right. Well, as I gloomily await the consequences of my Shakespearian Distraction to set in, and Typo and Sue steel themselves for a day of laughing their fool heads off at my misfortune, there is some housekeeping to be taken care of:

1. Yu Yu Hakusho is not, will not be, and has never been ours . . . well, that last statement MIGHT have to be withdrawn if it turns out that in a past life we were all shrews and YYH happened to be. . . oh, shiznick, there goes my ramblometer again. I don't know HOW Sue managed to convince me to buy one of these . . . oh, wait, that's right, she used the timeless tactic of BRUTE FORCE.

2. Many thanks due to reviewers! We know this is our first fic on this account and so, needless to say, our fame has not been spread site-wide . . . yet. Mwaha. SO here's a shout out for taking the time to look at our work. Thankies Kindlies!

3. Incase anyone picked up on the fact that the OOC Clause wasn't in the original contract, be forewarned that there is a lot of VERY, VERY fine print concealed within the document that the human eye cannot detect without assistance. In other words, we came up with other rules that we were too lazy to type out.

4. Urameshi was a dude.

Urameshi looked quite crude.

Urameshi wasn't Sesshy was he?

No, he was an ImNoBISHIE!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Ahem. . . eh . . . I get the DISTINCT impression that several burning death-glares are being aimed directly at me by Rabid Yusuke Fangirls Across the Globe . . . yeah I think this would be a good time to just end this and high-tail it to a more safe location . . . maybe Mars . . .