Four Feathers by DJ666
Well, after getting all those fabulous reviews, I decided to write chappy number two. Vincent goes Bob-and-Steve on Yuffie's laptop. The quest begins. Godo's sumo diaper is missing. Read on.
Content: Swearing, nudity, graphic depictions of graphic depictions of sex.
Disclaimer: God smote me, but when He crushed me with His might fist He made me divine by accident; hence, THE WORLD IS MINE! THE WORLD IS MINE! BOW BEFORE ME OR KNOW DESTRUCTION!
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Chapter Two: Perspective is Everything
Vincent shook like Red XIII does right after he takes his daily dose of speed and sat down in a chair. "I hate to say it Yuffie, but your dwelling offers very little in the form of entertainment. I fear that I shall soon become another of the myriad victims of ennui." He put Death Penalty down on the table, undoing his headband and using it to clean the water out of the mechanisms of his firearm. "Do you have anything that I could do?" he asked.
"Yeah, now that I think about it!" realized the ninja. "I just got a new laptop! Wireless internet and everything. It's soooooooooooooooooo kewl, it's like SUPER KEWL OF DOOM!!! C'mon Vinnie, I'll show ya!" She leapt onto the table, flipped over Vincent's head and sprinted into the living room.
Amazing how fast that girl can run wearing nothing but a pair of sumo scarves wrapped around her body, thought Vincent. He followed, sighing with boredom, into the adjacent chamber.
The shady rifleman was not exactly an up-and-coming technological entrepreneur. In fact, he could probably do about as much with a computer as one of the three little pigs could realistically do with bricks, lacking opposable thumbs as they are. Vincent stroke his chin, pondering, pondering: No wonder the Big Bad Wolf could blow their houses down so easily; the three little pigs were unable to effectively do masonry! Triumphant, he turned what attention he could spare to Yuffie.
"It's a Microsoft Windows 1542087586428956, V23765.28379. It has 328496243582464389543543 gigabytes of RAM, and can process 384962305274562309873259726350953297562487504356974328065 methylchlorohydroxiomegabytes per attosecond. The wireless internet connects at 489634186943543219883297543986598432987365983476 kbps, and the inbox can hold up to 325944328659432059724365890243 emails without crashing. It has eighty-seven disc drives, can burn fifty CDs at once, comes equipped with a PS458729, an XBOX45849, a GCN34586359, and works by reading electrical impulses in user synapses. It also comes with a list of top fifty sites for every category in existence, and included a complimentary bag of crack."
Vincent raised an eyebrow dubiously. "So, what does that mean it can accomplish?"
"Practically nothing," the ninja admitted. She breathed. "But I love her. Especially the webcam that came with her." The ninja's eyes glazed over, and there was a strange kind of twitching in the lower section of her sumo suit.
Vincent, at that concluding comment, swallowed hard and quickly ceased conversation. "Can I try it out?" he asked. "Sure," his hostess replied. "Just press the 'on' button, and think really hard about going online. It's easy."
Vincent glanced dubiously at the computer. There was a grid of small knobs reading [ON BUTTONS 1956-4592]. The grid was several feet in diameter. Yuffie groaned, muttering something about how 'Vampy' was so useless, and proceeded to flip approximately eighty-one billion switches, turning on all the functions of the computer. She placed a large helmet on her guest's head.
Vincent's head promptly exploded from information overload.
Fortunately, Yuffie had gotten the programming package which included a head-putter-together, and catastrophe was belatedly averted. The ninja rubbed her old companion's head, pointing to the Internet icon and saying, "Just think about it, and it'll happen."
Vincent thought about going on the Internet. The Internet opened up.
Vincent's head exploded again.
Several minutes (and one particularly interesting *implosion*) later, Vincent connected to the Internet. He was taken to Yuffie's designated home page, and from there found his fun bounding about the Web, taking care not to notice his hostess' 'Favorites' bar
After directing Vincent's attention away from her multitudinous pornographic links, Yuffie decided to show her guest one of her minor discoveries on the Net. "Look at this - you know Google?" she said. Vincent eyed her warily: "That isn't another one of those sites with women that have pen - "
"No!" shrieked Yuffie. "It's a search engine. It helps ya find stuff on the Web. I noticed something kewl - if you type in the name of our gang members, you'll get some really funny stuff!"
"Oh," Vincent said. "It seems that celebrity is an unavoidable experience after saving the world from complete annihilation."
"Yeah," said Yuffie. "Try it, it's fun!"
There was a sudden crash, and a shrill cry of "YUFFIE". It sounded like Godo had broken something. "I'll be right back . . . who knows what he's doing now." She disappeared into the ceiling.
Vincent, shrugging, typed two words into the text box with deliberate slowness:
V I N C E N T V A L E N T I N E
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Yuffie crept silently up the stairs, tentative and grasping her shuriken. She remembered quite well that the last time she'd heard that "YUFFIE" echoing down the stairs had signaled "that talk". Trust me, it's hard to keep a straight face as a hormonally-unbalanced fourteen-year-old whenever talking about sex. It's even harder when your parent is blissfully unaware of the fact that you were the star of Lolita Lesbians VII through CXII and managed to land the co-star role in Cum Fly Away: A Whole New Flock. In fact, Yuffie had hardly been able to sit still during the three hours, because her genital region was considerably itchy, raw and red, and not for want of a good reason; both her sets of lips were chapped beyond belief, and all the moisturizer in the world couldn't change the fact that she'd felt like someone had - well, like someone had stuck a hand or five into her.
In any case, Yuffie was treading quietly upstairs, unsure of what horrors she would find . She could hear smashing, and heavy footsteps, very urgent, and mutterings. Maybe Godo was being held hostage by some crazed assassin and had been calling for aid. In which case, Yuffie should probably bring up some cookies as well. But she just didn't have the time, and things could deteriorate any second. The ninja opened the upstairs door, fearing that her father might be there, lying on the floor, naked and covered in blood. Shuddering, she leapt through the doorway, shouting, "TIME TO DIE, SCUM SUCKING SPAWN OF HELL!!!"
What Yuffie found was far worse than she had imagined. There was no thief, or assassin, or anything else. There was no scum sucking spawn of hell. There was Godo, all right - and he was lying on the floor, but it wasn't blood all over him.
"DAD, IS THAT YOUR JIZZUM??"
Godo lifted his head from the floor. "Oh. Yuffie! You came. Well, actually, *I* was the one who came, but anyway. . ." He wiped his hand off on his thigh - something sticky and white smeared onto his leg-hairs. "You see, I was jacking off and didn't want to get my sumo diaper wet, so I took it off, and now I can't find it."
"What made ya jizzle ya fashizzle nizzle, yo?" asked the young ninja. "And why in *my* room?"
"Well, it was in here that I found these porno tapes. . ." Godo held up 'Licking Lolitas XIV'. " . . . and I was really horny, so I popped one in and got to work - or should I say, got to play? In any case, I can't find my sumo diaper. Wanna help me out?"
"Dad," shrieked Yuffie, "Vinnie is here! You can't just go walking around naked! Here," she said, loathe to do this, "take *my* sumo thong for the time being." She slipped it off her body and held it out to her father. "Now come on, we hafta find that diaper!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Vincent deleted his name and tried a few experiments first. "Cloud - " He licked his lips. " - Strife." He clicked the 'enter' button once. Three matches found; search took 4.15 seconds. "Tifa - Lockhart." 137,864 matches found; search took 0.98 seconds. "Yuffie - Kisaragi."
214,312,468,943,532,459,869 matches found; search took .00000000000000001 seconds.
Hmm, thought Vincent. Let's try again . . . This time, he typed in 'yuffie kisaragi' -xxx.
0 matches found.
Finally, he worked up his courage: Come on. Can't be so bad. Who even knows you exist? Your friends. That's it. Do it.
"Vincent Valentine." His hands shook as he hovered on the 'enter' button. He barely depressed the switch as his mind said, "Go" to the interface.
28 matches found; search took 1.22 seconds. Vincent glanced at the first one: something about fanfiction. Hmm, I have fans? Interesting . . . well, Chaos, time to meet the people.
Ugh . . . people . . .
It appeared to be some kind of text page; instantly, Vincent was assailed by fourteen popups (twelve of them were Yuffie in an extremely compromising position, with the proud words "Come fuck me LIVE!!" flashing above her . . . private property). He swatted them away like the innocent children in his steroid-massacre dream. Luv that dream. He saw the title at the top of the page: Hot Summer Nights, by iluvyuffentines something something.
'Vincent sighed, greatly depressed. He was still atoning for his sins, lying prone in his coffee.'
My coffee? thought Vincent. What the fuck was this asshole smoking when he banged this shit out of his keyboard?
Looking around quickly, he said, "I mean, how terribly ungrammatical of him. It is truly a terrible thing when persons cannot even be expected to proofread their own documents on their computers." Sum peeple are so dum. The gunman continued reading:
'I wish I had some company, thought Vincent. It's so dull just sleeping here, even though I need to reconcile myself with myself before I can do anything.'
"My God!" yelled Vincent. "These people know everything about me!" He jumped from his chair and flew from the window - literally. His cape flapped in the wind as he spiraled through the air, twisting and turning like Neo in The Matrix: Reloaded. Hell, he even went so fast that there was a humongous tornado of cars following him around. In any case, he flew back to the Nibelheim mansion, grabbed his coffin, and put it in the observation room.
"No cameras in HERE," said Vincent, satisfied. Then he flew back to Yuffie's house. In the course of the trip, he came to thinking about how he should have just taken Bob and Steve on his back and flown in the blink of an eye to Wutai instead of dragging them around on foot and eventually killing them.
Oh, well.
The rifleman leapt back into his chair before the computer and resumed his reading:
'There was one person that Vincent wished could be around right now: Yuffie.'
"What the hell?" said Vincent aloud. "Yuffie? This is insane! I refuse to be exposed to this tripe! These are downright LIES!" Then he shut up and kept reading.
'Just thinking about her, the vampire felt his coffin suddenly become smaller, and much hotter. He couldn't take his mind off her smooth, sunbrowned skin; her fine ass; her perky tits and her tight pussy that he had wanted so much to - "
"Ooooooooooooooooooookay," muttered Vincent. "I think I've had just about enough of this. This is an insult to my honor. Me? And Yuffie? Never. We're so different. She's sixteen, naïve, talkative, skinny, and extremely 'loose', as it were. I'm in my fifties, depressed, introverted, muscular, and unable to get a date, even if I tried. Besides, I could never get over - Lucretia . . ." But something kept Vincent glued to the computer, some morbid fascination with the idea of himself getting back into the game - and with a much younger partner, to boot. He kept reading:
'By now Vincent was so uncomfortably hot that he had to push off the lid of his coffin and get some fresh air. With a single, powerful swipe of his arm, the heavy lid went flying across the room. "Geez, Vinnie!" said a voice. "You almost hit me with that thing!"
'Vincent sat straight up to find the owner of the voice. He glanced quickly about the room and found, without much trouble, the girl he'd lusted after so much: Yuffie Kisaragi. "Yuffie?" the vampire asked, unsure of himself. "What are you doing here?"
'The ninja was hesitant to reply. "It's just - I missed you. I need - to tell you something." She blushed. "I wanted to say - I never got to say - that - I love you!" Vincent leapt from his coffin in joy. "You do! That's - that's wonderful, because - I love you, too! I've wanted you so bad!"
'"I've wanted you too - baaaaaaad," replied Yuffie. "In fact, since we both admitted it - could we . . ."
'"Already?" asked Vincent, surprised.
'"Not 'already'," said Yuffie. "I've wanted you for so long - this is nothing new. Come on. I want you - I really want you . . ." She reached into her pants and began masturbating her wet cunt.'
'Masturbating her wet cunt'? thought Vincent. Is that even correct English? God, those fanfiction writers are idiots. He kept going, though; he was too far into it to pull himself out.
'"Oh, God, Yuffie - you're right. I just wanna fuck you, hard, now!" Vincent tore off his shirt, revealing his well-muscled and hard body. He ran his fingers over the lines of his six-pack and pinched his nipples a bit. They were already hard in anticipation. He tossed his shirt to ground and reached to unbutton his pants, but Yuffie stopped him. "Do me first," she begged.
'"I can't do you with Tiny Tim still trapped in my trousers, now, can I?" The horny young ninja shook her head. "I mean . . . I want you to take off my clothes before you get naked."
'Vincent nodded. "Okay," he said, "but first I just need to get my weinis ready."'
Did this kid just make me say 'weinis'? thought Vincent. Only a true master of idiocy could combine 'weiner' and 'penis' like that. The story continued:
'The vampire grasped his tallywacker - '
What is WRONG with this guy? thought Vincent.
' - all thirteen inches - '
The reader's eyes bulged to the size of Tifa Lockhart's melons.
' - and started stroking the length of his shaft. Blood flowed into it, making it rise up. Yuffie finger-fucked herself even harder at this sight. She rushed over to him and said, "Please, Vinnie! Undress me, now!"
'Vincent used his sharp teeth to rip the buttons of Yuffie's blouse, one by one, and used his nimble fingers to pull it off her shoulders. She was not wearing a bra, and she had goose-bumps on her tiny tits. Her nipples were erect with pleasure, so Vincent bent over and kissed them gently. He took the left one into his mouth and bit it gently, sucking on it like a baby. Then he planted slow kisses down her stomach until he reached the top of her pubic hair.
'Yuffie pulled her hands out of her pants and guided Vincent's onto her crotch. He unzipped her shorts inch by inch, revealing more and more of her pink lace panties. She turned around suddenly, so as her pants dropped to the floor Vincent could see nothing but her thong escaping into the crack of her sweet, firm ass. He took her cheek into his hand and squeezed it, and the ninja let out a gasp of pleasure. Hooking his tongue behind her underwear, Vincent pulled the thong down her body until it reached her heels.'
The real deal was sitting, stunned, at Yuffie's computer, feeling a curious melange of emotions.
'Damn, I kick ass' was one.
'THIRTEEN INCHES?' was another.
'This is the grossest and stupidest thing I've ever read' was a third.
'This is making me horny as hell' was the last.
In any case, he kept reading.
'Yuffie spun around again, and her vampire bitch - '
Whoa! thought Vincent. If anyone is anybody's bitch, then Yuffie is mine. I am NOBODY'S bitch!
' - put his face between her legs, licking the outside of her twat. He curled the little ringlets of her pubic hair around his fingers and pulled her closer to him. The ninja pressed her partner's face down deeper into her love hole, and he started licking the inside of her, penetrating her with his tongue. He could feel her vaginic muscles - '
Vincent slapped his forehead. 'Vaginic'?
' - contracting rapidly as he pushed her closer and closer to orgasm. Finally, she pushed him away. "Come on, Vinnie! I don't want it to end with just oral! Fuck me!" The vamp-ho threw aside his pants and grabbed Yuffie's shoulders, lifting her up and lowering her onto his throbbing member, pushing up into her tight twat. They gyrated their pelvises, thrusting into one another, both of them covered in blood and Yuffie's hymen broke within her. She stopped moving at the sudden pain and bit Vincent's shoulder.
'"You okay?" the vampire asked, concerned for his partner. "Yeah," said Yuffie, "but my pussy really hurts now - can you just fuck my ass!"
'"Okay!" the gunman said enthusiastically. He put the girl down on all fours facing away from him and started reaming her virgin asshole. "Oh God!" she yelled, masturbating her twat - "
This guy and the masturbating the [insert body part here] again! thought Vincent.
" - at the same time. Finally, Yuffie exploded, her love-juice spilling out her hole and landing on the ground. Vincent pulled himself out of her and went down, licking up her fluids as she came. "Oh, that was great, Vinnie - but you still haven't cummed!" she said.'
This guy is a moron, thought Vincent once again.
'The ninja twisted around and licked the poop off the vampire's thick - '
Vincent read on in horror for only three lines before taking out the recently reloaded Death Penalty and turning the laptop into a smoking pile of [ON] buttons. Vincent's head exploded again, and came back together again. Then he rushed to the stairs.
"Yuffie! YUFFIE!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Yuffie was paying no attention. She was getting the shivers from walking around without anything covering her groin, and they still had yet to find Godo's sumo diaper. Godo was of no help - it was the first time he'd worn thong underwear, and he was finding it an extremely - 'interesting' experience.
"This thing is crushing my nutsack!" he whined. "I guess it's a good thing I can't have any more kids, though," he admitted, glancing sidelong at Yuffie.
"You know what, dad? You're an idiot! I wasn't a bad daughter, you were a bad father!" They were so caught up in the passion of their argument that they didn't hear the fifty gunshots or gargantuan explosion that emanated from the downstairs.
"No, Yuffie, you WERE a bad daughter! You never obeyed me, no matter what I said or did!"
"You're a wimp!"
"You're a klepto-nympho BITCH!"
"WELL YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT! THERE'S YOUR GODDAMN SUMO DIAPER, DIPSHIT!"
The garment in question was underneath the 'Passionate Paul' masturbation doll that Yuffie had purchased for - questionable purposes. She reached over the mannequin to grab the article - and she noticed something within.
"You keep fruit oil inside your sumo diaper? So that's why I can never hang on to you!"
At that same moment, Godo was freeing his 'weinis' from the constricting female undergarment in preparation for the switch back to his regular clothing. He stood behind Yuffie, looking over her shoulder as she sighed in relief. "I *don't* suck at sumo!" she murmured.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
At that instant, Vincent opened the upstairs door.
At that instant, he saw Yuffie, kneeling on the floor, licking something tasty inside of Godo's sumo underwear and gasping in delight. At that instant, he saw Passionate Paul's Pleasure-Plush© Penis penetrating his young companion. At that instant, he saw Godo standing directly behind his moaning daughter, finger his schmuck out of his thong and barely touching it to his offspring's behind.
At that instant, Vincent Valentine vomited everything he possibly could, and a bit more, before collapsing in agony. Death Penalty was clicking empty - in his last seconds before unconsciousness, he'd tried to shoot himself.
***** ***** ***** *****
*****
I would like to thank Chris Perry for, as for as I know, inventing the term 'weinis'. It has yet to be copyrighted, so use it while you can.
If Passionate Paul really exists, sorry to his creators for using him without permission.
If there is a person with an email address like "iluvyuffentines", then sorry about making you the future victim of our protagonists.
The quest still hasn't begun. D'OH! *smacks forehead* Review, damn it! REVIEEEEEW!!!
Well, after getting all those fabulous reviews, I decided to write chappy number two. Vincent goes Bob-and-Steve on Yuffie's laptop. The quest begins. Godo's sumo diaper is missing. Read on.
Content: Swearing, nudity, graphic depictions of graphic depictions of sex.
Disclaimer: God smote me, but when He crushed me with His might fist He made me divine by accident; hence, THE WORLD IS MINE! THE WORLD IS MINE! BOW BEFORE ME OR KNOW DESTRUCTION!
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Chapter Two: Perspective is Everything
Vincent shook like Red XIII does right after he takes his daily dose of speed and sat down in a chair. "I hate to say it Yuffie, but your dwelling offers very little in the form of entertainment. I fear that I shall soon become another of the myriad victims of ennui." He put Death Penalty down on the table, undoing his headband and using it to clean the water out of the mechanisms of his firearm. "Do you have anything that I could do?" he asked.
"Yeah, now that I think about it!" realized the ninja. "I just got a new laptop! Wireless internet and everything. It's soooooooooooooooooo kewl, it's like SUPER KEWL OF DOOM!!! C'mon Vinnie, I'll show ya!" She leapt onto the table, flipped over Vincent's head and sprinted into the living room.
Amazing how fast that girl can run wearing nothing but a pair of sumo scarves wrapped around her body, thought Vincent. He followed, sighing with boredom, into the adjacent chamber.
The shady rifleman was not exactly an up-and-coming technological entrepreneur. In fact, he could probably do about as much with a computer as one of the three little pigs could realistically do with bricks, lacking opposable thumbs as they are. Vincent stroke his chin, pondering, pondering: No wonder the Big Bad Wolf could blow their houses down so easily; the three little pigs were unable to effectively do masonry! Triumphant, he turned what attention he could spare to Yuffie.
"It's a Microsoft Windows 1542087586428956, V23765.28379. It has 328496243582464389543543 gigabytes of RAM, and can process 384962305274562309873259726350953297562487504356974328065 methylchlorohydroxiomegabytes per attosecond. The wireless internet connects at 489634186943543219883297543986598432987365983476 kbps, and the inbox can hold up to 325944328659432059724365890243 emails without crashing. It has eighty-seven disc drives, can burn fifty CDs at once, comes equipped with a PS458729, an XBOX45849, a GCN34586359, and works by reading electrical impulses in user synapses. It also comes with a list of top fifty sites for every category in existence, and included a complimentary bag of crack."
Vincent raised an eyebrow dubiously. "So, what does that mean it can accomplish?"
"Practically nothing," the ninja admitted. She breathed. "But I love her. Especially the webcam that came with her." The ninja's eyes glazed over, and there was a strange kind of twitching in the lower section of her sumo suit.
Vincent, at that concluding comment, swallowed hard and quickly ceased conversation. "Can I try it out?" he asked. "Sure," his hostess replied. "Just press the 'on' button, and think really hard about going online. It's easy."
Vincent glanced dubiously at the computer. There was a grid of small knobs reading [ON BUTTONS 1956-4592]. The grid was several feet in diameter. Yuffie groaned, muttering something about how 'Vampy' was so useless, and proceeded to flip approximately eighty-one billion switches, turning on all the functions of the computer. She placed a large helmet on her guest's head.
Vincent's head promptly exploded from information overload.
Fortunately, Yuffie had gotten the programming package which included a head-putter-together, and catastrophe was belatedly averted. The ninja rubbed her old companion's head, pointing to the Internet icon and saying, "Just think about it, and it'll happen."
Vincent thought about going on the Internet. The Internet opened up.
Vincent's head exploded again.
Several minutes (and one particularly interesting *implosion*) later, Vincent connected to the Internet. He was taken to Yuffie's designated home page, and from there found his fun bounding about the Web, taking care not to notice his hostess' 'Favorites' bar
After directing Vincent's attention away from her multitudinous pornographic links, Yuffie decided to show her guest one of her minor discoveries on the Net. "Look at this - you know Google?" she said. Vincent eyed her warily: "That isn't another one of those sites with women that have pen - "
"No!" shrieked Yuffie. "It's a search engine. It helps ya find stuff on the Web. I noticed something kewl - if you type in the name of our gang members, you'll get some really funny stuff!"
"Oh," Vincent said. "It seems that celebrity is an unavoidable experience after saving the world from complete annihilation."
"Yeah," said Yuffie. "Try it, it's fun!"
There was a sudden crash, and a shrill cry of "YUFFIE". It sounded like Godo had broken something. "I'll be right back . . . who knows what he's doing now." She disappeared into the ceiling.
Vincent, shrugging, typed two words into the text box with deliberate slowness:
V I N C E N T V A L E N T I N E
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Yuffie crept silently up the stairs, tentative and grasping her shuriken. She remembered quite well that the last time she'd heard that "YUFFIE" echoing down the stairs had signaled "that talk". Trust me, it's hard to keep a straight face as a hormonally-unbalanced fourteen-year-old whenever talking about sex. It's even harder when your parent is blissfully unaware of the fact that you were the star of Lolita Lesbians VII through CXII and managed to land the co-star role in Cum Fly Away: A Whole New Flock. In fact, Yuffie had hardly been able to sit still during the three hours, because her genital region was considerably itchy, raw and red, and not for want of a good reason; both her sets of lips were chapped beyond belief, and all the moisturizer in the world couldn't change the fact that she'd felt like someone had - well, like someone had stuck a hand or five into her.
In any case, Yuffie was treading quietly upstairs, unsure of what horrors she would find . She could hear smashing, and heavy footsteps, very urgent, and mutterings. Maybe Godo was being held hostage by some crazed assassin and had been calling for aid. In which case, Yuffie should probably bring up some cookies as well. But she just didn't have the time, and things could deteriorate any second. The ninja opened the upstairs door, fearing that her father might be there, lying on the floor, naked and covered in blood. Shuddering, she leapt through the doorway, shouting, "TIME TO DIE, SCUM SUCKING SPAWN OF HELL!!!"
What Yuffie found was far worse than she had imagined. There was no thief, or assassin, or anything else. There was no scum sucking spawn of hell. There was Godo, all right - and he was lying on the floor, but it wasn't blood all over him.
"DAD, IS THAT YOUR JIZZUM??"
Godo lifted his head from the floor. "Oh. Yuffie! You came. Well, actually, *I* was the one who came, but anyway. . ." He wiped his hand off on his thigh - something sticky and white smeared onto his leg-hairs. "You see, I was jacking off and didn't want to get my sumo diaper wet, so I took it off, and now I can't find it."
"What made ya jizzle ya fashizzle nizzle, yo?" asked the young ninja. "And why in *my* room?"
"Well, it was in here that I found these porno tapes. . ." Godo held up 'Licking Lolitas XIV'. " . . . and I was really horny, so I popped one in and got to work - or should I say, got to play? In any case, I can't find my sumo diaper. Wanna help me out?"
"Dad," shrieked Yuffie, "Vinnie is here! You can't just go walking around naked! Here," she said, loathe to do this, "take *my* sumo thong for the time being." She slipped it off her body and held it out to her father. "Now come on, we hafta find that diaper!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Vincent deleted his name and tried a few experiments first. "Cloud - " He licked his lips. " - Strife." He clicked the 'enter' button once. Three matches found; search took 4.15 seconds. "Tifa - Lockhart." 137,864 matches found; search took 0.98 seconds. "Yuffie - Kisaragi."
214,312,468,943,532,459,869 matches found; search took .00000000000000001 seconds.
Hmm, thought Vincent. Let's try again . . . This time, he typed in 'yuffie kisaragi' -xxx.
0 matches found.
Finally, he worked up his courage: Come on. Can't be so bad. Who even knows you exist? Your friends. That's it. Do it.
"Vincent Valentine." His hands shook as he hovered on the 'enter' button. He barely depressed the switch as his mind said, "Go" to the interface.
28 matches found; search took 1.22 seconds. Vincent glanced at the first one: something about fanfiction. Hmm, I have fans? Interesting . . . well, Chaos, time to meet the people.
Ugh . . . people . . .
It appeared to be some kind of text page; instantly, Vincent was assailed by fourteen popups (twelve of them were Yuffie in an extremely compromising position, with the proud words "Come fuck me LIVE!!" flashing above her . . . private property). He swatted them away like the innocent children in his steroid-massacre dream. Luv that dream. He saw the title at the top of the page: Hot Summer Nights, by iluvyuffentines something something.
'Vincent sighed, greatly depressed. He was still atoning for his sins, lying prone in his coffee.'
My coffee? thought Vincent. What the fuck was this asshole smoking when he banged this shit out of his keyboard?
Looking around quickly, he said, "I mean, how terribly ungrammatical of him. It is truly a terrible thing when persons cannot even be expected to proofread their own documents on their computers." Sum peeple are so dum. The gunman continued reading:
'I wish I had some company, thought Vincent. It's so dull just sleeping here, even though I need to reconcile myself with myself before I can do anything.'
"My God!" yelled Vincent. "These people know everything about me!" He jumped from his chair and flew from the window - literally. His cape flapped in the wind as he spiraled through the air, twisting and turning like Neo in The Matrix: Reloaded. Hell, he even went so fast that there was a humongous tornado of cars following him around. In any case, he flew back to the Nibelheim mansion, grabbed his coffin, and put it in the observation room.
"No cameras in HERE," said Vincent, satisfied. Then he flew back to Yuffie's house. In the course of the trip, he came to thinking about how he should have just taken Bob and Steve on his back and flown in the blink of an eye to Wutai instead of dragging them around on foot and eventually killing them.
Oh, well.
The rifleman leapt back into his chair before the computer and resumed his reading:
'There was one person that Vincent wished could be around right now: Yuffie.'
"What the hell?" said Vincent aloud. "Yuffie? This is insane! I refuse to be exposed to this tripe! These are downright LIES!" Then he shut up and kept reading.
'Just thinking about her, the vampire felt his coffin suddenly become smaller, and much hotter. He couldn't take his mind off her smooth, sunbrowned skin; her fine ass; her perky tits and her tight pussy that he had wanted so much to - "
"Ooooooooooooooooooookay," muttered Vincent. "I think I've had just about enough of this. This is an insult to my honor. Me? And Yuffie? Never. We're so different. She's sixteen, naïve, talkative, skinny, and extremely 'loose', as it were. I'm in my fifties, depressed, introverted, muscular, and unable to get a date, even if I tried. Besides, I could never get over - Lucretia . . ." But something kept Vincent glued to the computer, some morbid fascination with the idea of himself getting back into the game - and with a much younger partner, to boot. He kept reading:
'By now Vincent was so uncomfortably hot that he had to push off the lid of his coffin and get some fresh air. With a single, powerful swipe of his arm, the heavy lid went flying across the room. "Geez, Vinnie!" said a voice. "You almost hit me with that thing!"
'Vincent sat straight up to find the owner of the voice. He glanced quickly about the room and found, without much trouble, the girl he'd lusted after so much: Yuffie Kisaragi. "Yuffie?" the vampire asked, unsure of himself. "What are you doing here?"
'The ninja was hesitant to reply. "It's just - I missed you. I need - to tell you something." She blushed. "I wanted to say - I never got to say - that - I love you!" Vincent leapt from his coffin in joy. "You do! That's - that's wonderful, because - I love you, too! I've wanted you so bad!"
'"I've wanted you too - baaaaaaad," replied Yuffie. "In fact, since we both admitted it - could we . . ."
'"Already?" asked Vincent, surprised.
'"Not 'already'," said Yuffie. "I've wanted you for so long - this is nothing new. Come on. I want you - I really want you . . ." She reached into her pants and began masturbating her wet cunt.'
'Masturbating her wet cunt'? thought Vincent. Is that even correct English? God, those fanfiction writers are idiots. He kept going, though; he was too far into it to pull himself out.
'"Oh, God, Yuffie - you're right. I just wanna fuck you, hard, now!" Vincent tore off his shirt, revealing his well-muscled and hard body. He ran his fingers over the lines of his six-pack and pinched his nipples a bit. They were already hard in anticipation. He tossed his shirt to ground and reached to unbutton his pants, but Yuffie stopped him. "Do me first," she begged.
'"I can't do you with Tiny Tim still trapped in my trousers, now, can I?" The horny young ninja shook her head. "I mean . . . I want you to take off my clothes before you get naked."
'Vincent nodded. "Okay," he said, "but first I just need to get my weinis ready."'
Did this kid just make me say 'weinis'? thought Vincent. Only a true master of idiocy could combine 'weiner' and 'penis' like that. The story continued:
'The vampire grasped his tallywacker - '
What is WRONG with this guy? thought Vincent.
' - all thirteen inches - '
The reader's eyes bulged to the size of Tifa Lockhart's melons.
' - and started stroking the length of his shaft. Blood flowed into it, making it rise up. Yuffie finger-fucked herself even harder at this sight. She rushed over to him and said, "Please, Vinnie! Undress me, now!"
'Vincent used his sharp teeth to rip the buttons of Yuffie's blouse, one by one, and used his nimble fingers to pull it off her shoulders. She was not wearing a bra, and she had goose-bumps on her tiny tits. Her nipples were erect with pleasure, so Vincent bent over and kissed them gently. He took the left one into his mouth and bit it gently, sucking on it like a baby. Then he planted slow kisses down her stomach until he reached the top of her pubic hair.
'Yuffie pulled her hands out of her pants and guided Vincent's onto her crotch. He unzipped her shorts inch by inch, revealing more and more of her pink lace panties. She turned around suddenly, so as her pants dropped to the floor Vincent could see nothing but her thong escaping into the crack of her sweet, firm ass. He took her cheek into his hand and squeezed it, and the ninja let out a gasp of pleasure. Hooking his tongue behind her underwear, Vincent pulled the thong down her body until it reached her heels.'
The real deal was sitting, stunned, at Yuffie's computer, feeling a curious melange of emotions.
'Damn, I kick ass' was one.
'THIRTEEN INCHES?' was another.
'This is the grossest and stupidest thing I've ever read' was a third.
'This is making me horny as hell' was the last.
In any case, he kept reading.
'Yuffie spun around again, and her vampire bitch - '
Whoa! thought Vincent. If anyone is anybody's bitch, then Yuffie is mine. I am NOBODY'S bitch!
' - put his face between her legs, licking the outside of her twat. He curled the little ringlets of her pubic hair around his fingers and pulled her closer to him. The ninja pressed her partner's face down deeper into her love hole, and he started licking the inside of her, penetrating her with his tongue. He could feel her vaginic muscles - '
Vincent slapped his forehead. 'Vaginic'?
' - contracting rapidly as he pushed her closer and closer to orgasm. Finally, she pushed him away. "Come on, Vinnie! I don't want it to end with just oral! Fuck me!" The vamp-ho threw aside his pants and grabbed Yuffie's shoulders, lifting her up and lowering her onto his throbbing member, pushing up into her tight twat. They gyrated their pelvises, thrusting into one another, both of them covered in blood and Yuffie's hymen broke within her. She stopped moving at the sudden pain and bit Vincent's shoulder.
'"You okay?" the vampire asked, concerned for his partner. "Yeah," said Yuffie, "but my pussy really hurts now - can you just fuck my ass!"
'"Okay!" the gunman said enthusiastically. He put the girl down on all fours facing away from him and started reaming her virgin asshole. "Oh God!" she yelled, masturbating her twat - "
This guy and the masturbating the [insert body part here] again! thought Vincent.
" - at the same time. Finally, Yuffie exploded, her love-juice spilling out her hole and landing on the ground. Vincent pulled himself out of her and went down, licking up her fluids as she came. "Oh, that was great, Vinnie - but you still haven't cummed!" she said.'
This guy is a moron, thought Vincent once again.
'The ninja twisted around and licked the poop off the vampire's thick - '
Vincent read on in horror for only three lines before taking out the recently reloaded Death Penalty and turning the laptop into a smoking pile of [ON] buttons. Vincent's head exploded again, and came back together again. Then he rushed to the stairs.
"Yuffie! YUFFIE!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Yuffie was paying no attention. She was getting the shivers from walking around without anything covering her groin, and they still had yet to find Godo's sumo diaper. Godo was of no help - it was the first time he'd worn thong underwear, and he was finding it an extremely - 'interesting' experience.
"This thing is crushing my nutsack!" he whined. "I guess it's a good thing I can't have any more kids, though," he admitted, glancing sidelong at Yuffie.
"You know what, dad? You're an idiot! I wasn't a bad daughter, you were a bad father!" They were so caught up in the passion of their argument that they didn't hear the fifty gunshots or gargantuan explosion that emanated from the downstairs.
"No, Yuffie, you WERE a bad daughter! You never obeyed me, no matter what I said or did!"
"You're a wimp!"
"You're a klepto-nympho BITCH!"
"WELL YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT! THERE'S YOUR GODDAMN SUMO DIAPER, DIPSHIT!"
The garment in question was underneath the 'Passionate Paul' masturbation doll that Yuffie had purchased for - questionable purposes. She reached over the mannequin to grab the article - and she noticed something within.
"You keep fruit oil inside your sumo diaper? So that's why I can never hang on to you!"
At that same moment, Godo was freeing his 'weinis' from the constricting female undergarment in preparation for the switch back to his regular clothing. He stood behind Yuffie, looking over her shoulder as she sighed in relief. "I *don't* suck at sumo!" she murmured.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
At that instant, Vincent opened the upstairs door.
At that instant, he saw Yuffie, kneeling on the floor, licking something tasty inside of Godo's sumo underwear and gasping in delight. At that instant, he saw Passionate Paul's Pleasure-Plush© Penis penetrating his young companion. At that instant, he saw Godo standing directly behind his moaning daughter, finger his schmuck out of his thong and barely touching it to his offspring's behind.
At that instant, Vincent Valentine vomited everything he possibly could, and a bit more, before collapsing in agony. Death Penalty was clicking empty - in his last seconds before unconsciousness, he'd tried to shoot himself.
***** ***** ***** *****
*****
I would like to thank Chris Perry for, as for as I know, inventing the term 'weinis'. It has yet to be copyrighted, so use it while you can.
If Passionate Paul really exists, sorry to his creators for using him without permission.
If there is a person with an email address like "iluvyuffentines", then sorry about making you the future victim of our protagonists.
The quest still hasn't begun. D'OH! *smacks forehead* Review, damn it! REVIEEEEEW!!!
