Four Feathers by DJ666

Chapter three is here. Vincent and Yuffie FINALLY get going. It's Hallo- frickin'-ween . . . belatedly. Cid hasn't gotten pissed off yet, so the Highwind can't be used. Looks like our heroes need some other form of transportation . . .

Content: Swearing, violence.

Disclaimer: Square is my bitch. I own Final Fantasy. Suck my thirteen-inch weinis.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Chapter Three: The Feathers Fly

For the third time in his life, Vincent Valentine wanted to burn out his own eyes. The second time was when Bob and Steve had shown him Yuffie having sex with several midgets who, for their extraordinary amounts of disposal mayonnaise, must have worked at a fast-food place. The first time was when he saw Hojo doing the deed with Palmer. In any case, Vincent still had his eyes; it was his sanity that he was missing.

Vincent was lying on the floor in a steaming pile of bitter bile (that's some rhythm, bizzatch!), unsure of his surroundings and feeling like his nuts were caught in his throat. He came to laggardly, opening his eyes tentatively.

"Vinnie?" said a sweet, youthful voice with deliberate slowness. Yuffie's face (curiously inverted) swam into focus. In the beginning, there was nothing. And then God said, Let there be light. And there was light. And then Vincent saw Yuffie, and he remembered that which had taken place ere he passed into darkness, and he realized that the Good Book was really just one huge-ass run-on sentence. And then he hurled like a sonuvabitch again.

"Oh, guh-ROSS-ness! Vinnie, you just hurled all over my feet! I just manicured my toes yesterday!"

Vincent groaned. "What day was yesterday?"

"October 30th," replied Yuffie.

Vincent digested this information calmly. Then he realized two equally disturbing facts simultaneously:

It was Halloween. Yippee!! When he had passed out, it had been JULY 19TH!

Doing a super-kewl kung fu get-back-up flip thingie, Vincent regained his feet. He leapt around a few times and landed gently by Yuffie's side. There were Halloween decorations everywhere - skeletons and imps and demons and jack-o-lanterns and candy. Vincent, suddenly surrounded by bowls of sugary goodness, realized that he was exceptionally hungry.

"Got anything to eat?" asked Vincent.

"Not this again," groaned Yuffie.

"Fine, fine," the vampire muttered darkly. Reaching into his back pocket, he grabbed a magazine of ammunition and replaced the spent one. He racked Death Penalty's bolt with some satisfaction, loving the feel of the smooth action. He pumped the first round into a nearby pumpkin. It exploded, showering Yuffie with yellow-orangish pumpkin guts and setting the girl off on a frenzied dance while she sang incessantly "EWGETITOFFGETITOFFEWEWEWWWWWW!!!!!". Feeling good, Vincent cracked his knuckles and walked into the kitchen.

There were more candy containers. They were everywhere. Like cancerous polyps on Lance Armstrong's testicles. Godo was fretting over everything, rearranging bowls this way and that way, struggling to move in his costume.

"Why did you dress like your daughter for Halloween?" asked Vincent, obviously disgusted. The fat wrestler was bustling about the kitchen in tight 'short-shorts', unbuttoned just like Yuffie's. The recently-awakened guest knew that the girl walked around with her pants partway open to make it clear to all men, women, children and midgets that she was easy. With Godo, it was more a matter of not being able to fit his protruding stomach into the garment. Alarmingly, his hairy belly was sticking out, as Yuffie's 'shirts' were all bare midriff.

"I'm really comfortable like this," explained Godo. "I've always fantasized - "

"Okay, that's enough," interrupted Vincent. "I don't want to hear about your mistaken-identity, transsexual, transvetital I-wish-I-had-a-vagina - "

"You wish you had a vagina?" asked Yuffie, who had come into the kitchen just in time to catch the tail end of her companion's sentence. The vampire slapped his forehead. "I am NOT transsexual - "

"OOOOOOOOOOOH," said Yuffie, realizing what he meant. "You're horny and you want a pussy to fu - "

"NO!" shrieked Vincent, fearing what might come next if his hostess thought that he wanted some action. "No, you see, Yuffie - um, actually, I need to talk to you about that."

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY?" asked the young ninja. "Well, please, step into my office. I call it 'the dungeon'." She opened a door that led down a dark stairwell. "Aherm. STEP into my office." Vincent didn't move.

"STEP, GODDAMNIT!!"

The vampire cocked his weapon before venturing down the stairs. It was dimly lit passage, which opened into a larger room filled with - instruments.

Chains hanging from the walls. Chairs with shackles. A rack holding dozens of long, multicolored cylindrical objects with various - embellishments. A few whips dotted the room. There was a cabinet, in whose open door one could see a few bottles - 'Pineapple Exxxtasy' and what may have been 'Luscious Lisa's Love Lube' (sixty-nine ounces for hours of fun!).

Vincent stepped gingerly through the maze of erotic implements, Death Penalty at the ready lest its master be suddenly assaulted by horny midgets with anal lubricants and thirteen-inch plastic weinises. The vampire leapt nimbly over the moaning donkey stabled beneath the Chinese love swing and was stopped abruptly by Yuffie.

She laid back across a table, simultaneously putting on some Marvin Gaye and handing her guest a glass of wine. "Chardonnay?" she asked innocently.

"I saw you slip the drugs into it, Yuffie."

"DAMN IT!" she yelled. "I'll have to call Phil instead."

"Who is this Phil of which you speak?" asked Vincent.

"You'd like him. He's a lot of fun. He's a midget, actually - "

"My, how fantastic!" said the vampire, his voice unnaturally high and nervous. He quickly changed the subject: "Um, Yuffie - I - uh - it's about your computer."

"The one that you shot up before you passed out? It's okay. I got a new one for free. It was under warrantee."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Who'da thunk that Microsoft has a 'Wanton Destruction by the Criminally Insane Vampirically Afflicted' policy?"

"My, that is handy," answered Vincent. "Anyway - you probably want to know *why* I destroyed it, huh?"

"The thought had crossed my mind, yes."

"Well, you see, I did what you said. You said that if I typed in my name on Google, then I could find some, quote, "cool stuff". What I found was a graphic description of you, engaged in perverted sexual activities."

Yuffie just stared at Vincent. She blinked. Twice. Thrice in rapid succession. Then she frowned and asked, "Is there more to this story?"

"Um, it was you, engaged in perverted sexual activities."

Silence.

"With me."

Yuffie spewed her drugged wine all over Vincent's face, mercifully covering up the fact that he was blushing heavily - by which, of course, I mean that you couldn't have seen it without an electron microscope that could tell how embarrassed the divisions of subatomic particles are. The surprised ninja, glad to have sprayed her beverage all over her friend's face rather than choking on it, leapt to her feet and shrieked, in a statement of truly remarkable diction:

"GROSSNESS!"

"Yes, that's something akin to my own reaction. This is quite a blow to both my honor and my stomach, so I have decided to do two things:

"Well, I had first intended to get you a new computer, but you seem to have taken care of that. So, my second point is to KILL THE PERSON WHO DARED TO WRITE THAT STORY."

"Whoa. Um, Vinnie? I think that brutal, execution-style shooting is NOT the way to go about this. Maybe we should just like, email the kid?"

"No. He/she/it must die." Vincent cocked Death Penalty for effect. "Die like the dog he/she/it is. You shall see the horror, this - ABOMINATION that iluvyuffentines has created. Come with me! I shall show you! SWOOSH!" And Vincent disappeared in a scarlet flash of cape.

Gawd, I hate it when he does that, thought Yuffie. I better catch up to him before he starts blowing up what remains of my belongings.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Vincent sat down at the computer, thankful that there was no neural interface that would threaten to destroy his head if he did something wrong. He turned on the thing like a man possessed, for possessed he was - by anger, by dishonor, by shock, and by blood lust. And also by a bunch of freakish monsters that occasionally took over his body and made him go on gargantuan rampages that involved 'roid-enraged razings of rural communities like Frankenstein's monster on crack. In any case, the vampire flicked [ON BUTTONS 0-128960324] in the blink of an eye. He was instantly online, and this time he had a new name for Google:

I L U V Y U F F E N T I N E S

Yuffie had caught up, and was now glancing over her companion's shoulder. "I love Yuffentines? What's a Yuffentine?"

Vincent, grim as he could be, replied. "Yuffie plus Valentine."

"EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW," said the ninja, unfortunately comprehending the nomenclature. "Look at what you found - fanfiction?"

"Yes - I remember this. Truly a terrible thing. It matters not where we click - everything by this creature is an abomination. Go ahead." Vincent turned away from the screen. "Read."

DING-DONG!!

"What could that be?" wondered the vampire aloud.

"It's HALLOWEEN, numbnuts. That's kids who want candy!" Yuffie stood up and grabbed a nearby bowl of candy, but Vincent grabbed her arm and sat her back down. "I shall do this thing," he insisted gravely. "You must partake of the agony that is - PWP fanfiction."

"PWP?"

Vincent's eyes glazed over: "PWP . . . porn . . . without . . . plot."

GASP!!

"Yes, I know. But you must read, and I must give candy to these annoying children. By my troth, I am off!"

Vincent opened Yuffie's door, finding himself face to face with two toddlers. One was dressed like Barney. The other one was a clown.

"TRICK OR TREAT!" they shouted happily. "Can we have some candy, mister?"

"Here," Vincent said, dropping something small into each child's bag.

"Whaddizzit?" asked one kid.

"A condom," replied Vincent. "If you are stupid enough to engage in this moronic parasitic pastime of stealing my companion's honestly-bought, tooth- rotting, artery-clogging, Godo-killing balls of condensed sugar, you are unworthy of the privilege of polluting the purity of the human gene pool with your deleterious hereditary faculties."

The toddlers stared, completely uncomprehending of Vincent's gargantuan vocabulary.

"I can say 'pantyhose' in Spanish," said one. He caught a faceful of door as the vampiric Halloween host at the Kisaragi house became far to fed up with his generation to care about anything anymore. The pair of trick-or- treaters hurried back to their mother, their eyes filled with terror.

"That man was scary!" said the smaller boy. "He WAS!" agreed Mommy, who had gotten chills just watching the man from afar. The third member of the trio just trembled, his eyes bulging out of their sockets. In a fragmented, nervous voice, he said, "Pantimedias."

Vincent returned to Yuffie's side. "Have you read that thing yet?"

"No - Godo stopped by with a problem in his shorts."

"Well, get back to - "

DING-DONG!!

"TRICK OR TREAT!" shouted four children. They were two boys and two girls - the females were fairies and, by the looks of it, the males would turn out to be before long. Vincent dropped a Snickers bar into the bag of each child, and made to close the door before one child stopped him.

"I can't have Snickers!" she said. "I'm allergic to nuts!"

Vincent stared.

"Snickers have peanuts!"

"Peanuts aren't nuts. They're legumes," replied the vampire with a brisk swish of the cape. He returned swiftly to the computer and asked: "Have - "

DING-DONG!!

"I'll be back." Vincent stood up and opened the door. Older children now, one dressed as Michael Myers from the Halloween movies and the other as The Bride from Kill Bill. The old Goth gunslinger tossed Almond Joys at the faces.

"Hey, man, I HATE coconut!"

"Then just eat the almond. That's the joyful part anyway." SLAM.

DING-DONG!!

Vincent opened the door and tried to hurl out a pair of Fruit-by-the-Foot snacks, but these kids were teens - one got his hockey stick into the door before it could be closed.

"Dude, these things are for little kids! Haven't you got chocolate?"

"You know, if I were to jam half of that wad of crap down your throat, you could use the remaining eighteen inches to ostensibly remove it from your obstructed trachea before you black out and die. I'd say that's a hell of a lot better than having the last thing in your throat before you die be a long black cylinder called a Ding-Dong." SLAM.

Just as Vincent was turning away from the door, there was another DING- DONG!!. Instead of actually getting pissed off by the trick-or-treaters, he just took a chance and emptied a magazine through the door without so much as glancing in the direction of his target. Satisfied, he -

DING-DONG!!

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Timmy Tupesky nearly peed his pants when the door to the Kisaragi house opened up. He glanced meekly upwards into the face of the demon who standing above him. Timmy instantly developed an unfortunately severe stutter.

"T- t-t-t-t -t -t t- t-t"

The beast grunted. It was confused and impatient.

"Trrri-ritr-rtit-trriii-triri-tiriri-ttr"

The devil roared, flames spurting from its nostrils.

"Trick - er - or - um - tree - treat?"

Chaos roared. Then it got an idea.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Joey Johnston was considerably obfuscated as he tentatively approached the Kisaragi house.

There was a sign that said 'TRICK OR TREAT' in big letters, with the word 'TREAT' circled. There were a bunch of steaming hot, spiced cuts of meat splayed out on a grill with a sign proudly displaying an arrow next to the command 'EAT'. Joey strode cautiously to the grill and found that there were small kabob skewers to pick up the min-steaks. He speared a chunk on a skewer and took a hearty nibble.

"Mmm! Tasty!"

He turned back to the road and walked away happily.

Chaos, crouching behind the 'EAT' sign, rubbed his hands together and chuckled deviously. "Bwa ha ha . . . if they only knew . . ."

Joey wondered where Timmy was. He should have been out tonight! But then again, maybe he was still bedridden since Joey had jammed a diamond- encrusted safety pin into his left buttock.

"Ouch!" said Joey. What was this in his meat?

"How dangerous! A diamond-encrusted safety pin!"

Chaos laughed:

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"Damn, Vinnie, you kick ASS!"

Yuffie was actually talking to the screen of her computer. She was reading one of the stories that her friend had pointed out, but for the time being all she had discovered was that he could seduce over five hundred women at a time and do them all at lightning speed thanks to the wonders of a thirteen-inch love stick.

Then SHE made an entrance.

"Oh my gawd . . ."

"Oh my GAWD."

"OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!"

Vincent returned to his hostess' side just in time to see the computer exploding into a thousand tiny pieces of plastic and green silicon. The ninja flew backwards several feet, her hair standing up on end.

"Believe it or not - I've never done THAT before."

The vampire's eyes went wide. "Please - for the love of God, don't tell me."

"Too - terrible - to - say . . ."

Yuffie turned to face her companion. "Vinnie? You were right. Iluvyuffentines must die."

"Yeah," agreed Vincent. He held out Death Penalty, turned sideways. "GANGSTA STYLE, FOO!"

"What?"

"Nothing."

There was a sudden explosion outside the house. Several hundred more followed it.

"What was THAT, Vinnie?"

"I don't know - but when Chaos let go, I woke up with a bunch of black powder burns and some copper wire, so I think I might have mined your front lawn to get rid of trick-or-treaters."

Yuffie slapped her forehead in exasperation.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"So, how do we get to iluvyuffentines?" asked Yuffie. "Should we call Cid and take the Highwind?"

"No, that wouldn't fly (he he . . . PUN!). Cid has hated you since you did Shera and the entire engineering team in the cockpit and got 'fluid' all over the radar, which resulted in him slamming his beloved vessel into the old Shinra headquarters." Vincent stroked his chin thoughtfully. "We should take a bus."

"A bus?"

"Yes - there's the Wutai Bus Station just nearby."

"Really?" queried the ninja. She looked out the window. The building next door had a gargantuan sign reading 'WUTAI BUS STATION'. (Underneath that, it said 'IF YOU CAN'T GET A HUMONGOUS JETPROPELLED BLIMP TO FLY YOU AROUND ON YOUR VIGILANTE REVENGE MISSIONS, WE'RE ALWAYS HERE!!'). "Wow . . . in sixteen years of residence, I have never noticed the bus station next to my house."

"Amazing, isn't it?" Vincent opened the door. "Ready to go?"

Yuffie nodded. "Totally! Let's blow this bitch!" She made to jump out the door, but her companion caught her.

"We must tread carefully - the mines are still here." The vampire narrowed his eyes. "I must use my super-sharp undead senses to locate the mines and safely lead you through." He gingerly took a single step out -

GIZZIGABAZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

"Smooth moves, Vampy."

"Shut up."

Without further ado, the pair made their jolly way to the bus station. They met the midnight attendant inside: Dashka the Vodka-er.

"Hill-o, freents! I am Daksha. You neet boss, yays?"

"Uh, yeah," said Vincent. "We need a bus to take us a LONG way. All the way to sweet, sweet Vengeanceville."

"Vill, vee hoff only vun boss lift."

"You don't mean - "

"Yays. Boss 19: Da Veedowmaker."

GASP! Bus 19: The WIDOWMAKER!!

"Da Veedowmaker?" asked Yuffie, confused.

"Yays," answered Dashka. "Da Veedowmaker. Doorink da Vootai-Meetgar Vor, dare vas a sheepmint off plutonium beink smockled to Meetgar. It vas ittecked by da greetist worrior off Vootai - Joe Musashi."

Yuffie gasped. "The dude from the original Shinobi game!"

"Yays, icksacktly. Een hees blut lust, Musashi slaughtered eentire passenger populetion. He also ocksidently heet plutonium, inceenerating everytink. But icksplosion vas contend inside off shell med from coagulated blut. Da boss was renamed Boss 19, but ghost continue to haunt. Ploos, no driver vont to drive boss. Every vun is now sterile, even though they hoff three penis. Is mystery of vorld. Anyvay, you vont boss?"

"Yes, Dashka. We will take Bus 19. We will not fail!"

"Grit Herrison Fort eempression!"

"Thanks . . . Yuffie, let's go!"

"Wait!" cried the ninja. "It's bad luck to take a radioactive, haunted bus on a mission of revenge without a talisman! We need magical amulets."

"Heer!" said Dashka. "Tek feethers!"

"Good idea," admitted Vincent. He took the two plumes and stuck one into his scarf. The other he stuck into the folds of his young companion's hair. "Off we go," he said. "Us, the two feathers."

"Kewlness!" shouted Yuffie. "Off we go!"

***** *****************************

Chapter three is done, and the quest is on . . . kind of. In case you wanted to know, Dashka the Vodka-er is the same Russian dropship guy from Mechwarrior 4: Mercenaries. If you needed the translation from 'drunk Russian speech':

"Hello, friends! I am Dashka. You need bus, yes?" "Well, we have only one bus left." "Yes. Bus 19: The Widowmaker." "Yes, the Widowmaker. During the Wutai-Midgar War, there was a shipment of plutonium being smuggled to Midgar. It was attacked by the greatest warrior of Wutai - Joe Musashi." (!!!) "Yes, exactly. In his blood lust, Musashi slaughtered entire passenger population. He also accidentally hit plutonium, incinerating everything. But explosion was contained inside of shell made from coagulated blood. The bus was renamed Bus 19, but ghost continue to haunt. Plus, no driver want to drive bus. Everyone is now sterile, even though they have three penis. Is mystery of world. Anyway, you want bus?" "Great Harrison Ford impression!" "Here! Take feathers!"

I hope everyone got the Bus 19 joke (K-19, the submarine; Bus 19, the bus).

Wait a minute - they don't even know where iluvyuffentines lives, anyway . . .

D'OH!