Four Feathers by DJ666
Well, we've escaped the Merovingian's chateau.
Content: Swearing. LOTS of motherfucking swearing. Violence, too. Drug use. And, knowing me, probably some crude humor. But we'll see. If you didn't get the title yet, I'm talking about Aeris. That's right; the undead bitch is coming back to haunt the team. Aeris-lovers beware - this could get ugly. And I mean, uglier than Aeris. Well, maybe not QUITE as ugly, but just as painful to hear and about as pointless to care about.
Disclaimer: I wrote Sakaguchi-sama, and he finally sold me the rights to Final Fantasy. So everyone out there who wrote in their disclaimers that they wanted to own it? BOO-FRICKIDY-HOO!! IT'S MINE NOW!!!
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Chapter Six: Look at Me! I'm Annoying!
"Hey, what do you know? We escaped the gimongous nuclear explosion from the Merovingian's chateau!"
"Who could have seen *that* one coming . . ."
"Hey, shut up, Vinnie. Or should I say . . . Vinky?"
"Yuffie, how far is your shuriken from your hand?"
"About fifteen feet."
"How far is my gun from your head?"
"About - oh. Damn it."
"Quite right."
"If you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit now."
"I told you, Yuffie, you're not fat!"
"No, I mean I have to go - DFBUSID0FOUB3RBTIU4EWUYWI4EWPUGYH43289(*&nb n5B4H6Y9T-W[4TH6UHJNY4O987T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Whoa . . . I've never seen somebody barf up an asterisk before."
"Me neither, fucker!"
"Shut up, guys - it's not my fault that MWADOOBOOSHLIBIBADIBIDDIPDIPDIPTAKTAKTAKSHSHSHSHSHIKIKWEEOOOOOODABADAGAGBAYA SHMAHAHGENFUGEN!!!"
"Indeed. It SNOT your fault!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAAAA, fucker!"
"Okay, Cid, you can shut up now."
"Okay, fucker."
Vincent sighed. He'd had to stand Cid's superfluous swearing through every sentence the steersman spat, and more were sure to come. The vampire had torn apart one of the crew members wandering about, rendered wax from his fat, and plugged his super-undead ears with as much of the gelatinous goo as they could hold. However, the heat from Cid's cigarettes had melted the amorphous earplugs, and now he had to take the brunt of the imprecatory dialogue.
"So, we're going to Upper Sector Five. Ever been there before?"
"No, fucker. Why the fuck d'ya ask?"
"It's the ghetto. The Jewish ghetto, actually." Vincent heaved an even greater sigh than before. "The Jews were oppressed for years, you see, and moved into the Sector Five slums. Then Judas Maccabeus led a coup and took the plate; that's where they're all being contained right now."
Cid scratched his head. In the second that his hand left the wheel, the massive airship jerked left, careening wildly off the side of a building and crashing into several little kids' balloons. A few citizens waved their fists as the passing zeppelin; Cid shouted, "FUCK THE FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING PIECES OF FUCKING FUCK-FUCKERS!" as Vincent took potshots off the bow. After nailing a few ducks over the North Sea, Highwind swooped his vessel back towards Midgar.
"Hold the fuck on," said Cid, continuing the thought which had prompted the fateful head-scratch. "The Jews are being fucking oppressed in Midgar, right?"
"Yeah," replied Vincent.
"So, wouldn't Cloud be the fucker doing that?"
"Good point. Bastard."
"FUCKING bastard, if y'ask me!"
"Indeed." Vincent stroked his chin. "Perhaps the city will need to undergo a change of command before our quest is over. What do you think, Yuffie?"
"SHPLAGGADINGUDENFLURUGADENPAMENSHINGLOOPFRIGGIDABIGNIGSKABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Agreed." Vincent turned back to his work: as always, greasing up Death Penalty. "Cid, can you land the ship in Sector Five?"
"Sure, fucker, but it'll be fifteen minutes afore we can get to the fucking place."
The other frowned. "But can't we reach the next continent in like, four seconds if we try?"
"Yeah, but fuck, have you ever SEEN Cloud on the World Map? Either Midgar is five yards in diameter, or that fucker is HUGE-ASS."
"True, true . . . but have you ever noticed that for most of the time, he doesn't even have a mouth?"
"Wait a fucking minute - YOU DON'T HAVE A MOUTH!"
"NEITHER DO YOU!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!"
"SWDFHVGHJGFRYIGBTVRJEWUFRIGFTRIHTFIGRTBLISYGF;IJEWGHOIUFWEQIPUFGWEIUFGWEIGF RBTGFIURGFIPOIUREWGFBREWHRBGFIUVIJGRKVUBIHR45OUGTNRKJIURHNTIUFIFOTIGO9[TGHYQ 87[9YT8Y987;O5TGHIURHPIUREWPHGFRI/GFRBTYI4UEGFRT4G7GFTEGFRT974GRTF4E!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Wait a minute - HOW CAN YUFFIE VOMIT WITHOUT A MOUTH???" asked Vincent, horrified enough to warrant three question marks.
"I dunno," said Yuffie. "But then again, we don't have guts either."
"ORORORORORORORORORORO??????????????????????????????" asked the vampire, this time surprised enough to get a Japanese expression of alarm ON TOP OF 30 question marks.
"FUCKERS!" shrieked Cid. "CALM THE FUCK DOWN! JUST KEEP YOUR FUCKING MINDS ON THE FUCKING MISSION!"
"Right!" said Vincent. "The mission!"
"And, by the way," said Cid, "could you just remind me what the fuck the fucking mission *is* again?"
"Wait a minute," began Yuffie thoughtfully, "didn't you know our mission in the last chapter?"
"You did!" agreed Vincent.
Cid's eyes shifted back and forth in alarm. "Uh - OR SO IT WOULD FUCKING SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!!!" He waved his arms around like a magician.
"I still remember you knowing the mission."
"FUCK! All right, I can't remember."
"Why not?" asked Yuffie.
"Too much pot," he explained, gesturing towards his cigarette.
"REALLY?" Suddenly Yuffie was gone. So was Cid's joint.
"Fuck. To the fucking fuckteenth power. She's gone."
"Noooo . . . I'm right here, sexy man."
*cue Marvin Gaye*
bew bew bew BEWN
"I been feeling DRYYYY, oh baby . . ."
bew da dew da DEWN
"I been so DRY-Y-YYYY . . ."
bew bew bewn da DEWN
Cid and Yuffie looked around. Vincent was sitting there with a guitar in his hands and a frown on his face. "I forgot the rest of the song. Sorry."
"I didn't know you sang, Vinnie." The shinobi leaned close to the ninja-cum- bard (no, seriously, that's a phrase: nothing sexual about it). "Your voice is so . . . sexy . . . sex-ay . . . mmmmmmmmmm . . ." Yuffie felt more relaxed than she'd ever been in her life.
"Hey, I remembered some more!
"Oh let's get it o-o-onnnnn . . ."
bew da dew bew BEWN
"AH-LET'S LOVE, BABY!"
BEWN
"We're aaaaaa-all sensitive people . . ."
bewn da da bewn bewn DEWN
"Let's get it on-o-o-onnn . . ."
bew bewn . . . bewn . .. uh .. . b . . . da. .. . damn it. "Sorry. That's all I know. Guys? GUYS!!!???"
The pilot and ninja were making sweet, sweet love in the pilot's chair of the Highwind. The joint lay forgotten at their feet. "Guys, knock it off! GUYS!" Vincent got mad.
"SDFIJGKHBFKHEWYBFHFYKIHGYYIFEW;FEWIHGFEWJGHUFO;GROKSKJBFWIYEGFBKWJHRKIY4bFV IYEB/KGRFUYHBRWGFIUYGWKFGSDIUGFRUFYG;KURGFIUWGFBIREWFBTIEWHIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
But Chaos was not what manifested itself before the two. Instead, it was a young girl on a Vespa motorcycle, wielding a tricked-out bass guitar. In one fell swoop, she smashed the purplish bludgeon into both heads, knocking one into the other.
"OW, MOTHERFUCKER!"
"Yeah, no shit, baby . . ." *smooch smooch*
*SMACKATIVENESS*
"WOULD YOU FUCKING QUIT IT, VINCENT!?!?!?!?" Then he opened his eyes. "Vincent?"
"Hiya, Ta-kun!" said the girl with the guitar.
"FUCK," said the stoned pilot. "She is FINE."
"Fuck," said Yuffie. "She IS fine."
Cocking her head sideways, the stranger walked in a circle around the druggies. "You sure are weird, Ta-kun!"
"Uh, that's not Ta-kun," said Yuffie. "That's Cid . . . my baby . . ." *smooch smooch*
*MORE SMACKATIVENESS*
"OKAY, FUCKER, I GET THE IDEA!" Cid rubbed his head. "Fuck, Vincent, is that YOU?"
"Vincent?" asked the girl, taken aback. "Whatever do you MEAN, Ta-kun?" She giggled. "Isn't that a GUY'S name? I'm not a guy." She stopped walking. "WANNA SEE?!?!?!"
"Sure," said Yuffie as she dragged herself over Cid's form and dropped on a plush pillow. "Hey - weren't we making out in the driver's seat?"
"Yeah, no fuck."
"So how did we get on this big red love seat?"
"THAT would have been MY doing," explained guitar girl. "That chair was really yucky, so I took you over here to be more comfortable. Say, do you have a cat around here?"
"Yeah . . . she's one of the Cat Lady's cats . . . she's Oolong . . . my baby . . ." *smooch smooch* (!!!)
*FINAL INCIDENT OF SWIFT SMACKATIVENESS*
"Excellent," she muttered darkly, pressing her fingertips together. "Now, Smithers? Release the hounds."
". . . the fuck?" asked Cid.
"Nothing, Ta-kun!"
"That's not Ta-kun!" insisted Yuffie. "It's Cid, m - "
"Get the FUCK off, Yuffie. I've had enough fucking guitars to the head, thanks a fucking lot." The pilot stood up. "Damn it, you smacked the fucking stoned right out of me. Look, there it is!" On the floor in a little plastic baggie was a green substance labeled, with masking tape, 'Cid's fucking STONED'.
"Oops! Sorry, Ta-kun." She took it, opened up his head and shoved it back inside. "Good as new!"
"Hey, how the fuck is there space in my fucking head for you to stick that shit in?"
"It's not like you have a BRAIN or anything!"
"THE FUCK!"
"Relax. You don't have a mouth either, remember? What you DO have is three new horns, though!"
"The FUCK?????"
Sure as shit, each guitar smack had yielded a long, squarish horn on both Cid's head and Yuffie's. "Wha - I have horns?" asked the ninja. "I must be a little devil, huh?" She giggled. "I'm a NAUGHTY girl . . ." She approached the guitar girl, looking - 'hungry'.
"Actually, it's not like that!" said the alien cheerfully. "You're just a bit HORNIER than you were before!" She covered her eyes, cackling wildly. "Oh, I'm good! Whee!"
"Who the fuck ARE you?" wondered Cid aloud.
"I'm HARUKO - uh, HARUKO HA - HA something. I forget what." She scratched her head. "Well I'll be a studmuffin!"
"You can't even remember your own fucking NAME?!" shouted Cid, enraged.
"Well, it's not my name! My real identity is - "
Suddenly, there was a flash of movement. The girl moved like a blur, and a second later before them stood - the girl.
In a strangely familiar pink dress.
"Hey, why the fuck are you wearing that fucking dress!" snarled the pilot of the airship. Speaking of which, who's flying the airship right now?
Oh, fuck.
"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everybody went slamming into the port wall as the Highwind swung to the left. It was spiraling out of control, ramming into buildings here and there, crushing the fleeing chickens and warranting the occasional curse from a concerned passerby. In a second, Haruko the guitar girl rushed to the pilot seat, righted their trajectory, and put the ship on cruise control.
"THAT should work!" said Haruko. Then she rushed back to the two stricken druggies and said, "I'm HARUKO HA-what's-her-face, ALIEN ROCK STAR EXTRAORDINAIRE! But in my spare time, I'm a nurse, a housekeeper, and a certain Cetra you might all remember!"
"FUCK, it's Aeris! Kill the fucker! KILL THE FUCKER!"
"We can't kill her! It's Aeris!" Yuffie ran around in crazed circles.
Cid swore. "You're fucking right! She's a fucking GHOST!" He snapped his fingers. "Well, fuck it, we just have to fucking kill OURSELVES." He ran to the cockpit and began pressing buttons.
Haruko, however, rammed into him with her Vespa 'cycle and hit him with the guitar again. "NAUGHTY CID! It's me! Aeris!"
"I KNOW, fucker!" sneered the prone pilot. "You just broke my fucking ATM!"
"Huh?"
"I mean, fucking ARM!" (Hey, my 'r' is right next to my 't'. So sue me.)
"Oh. Well, anyway, it's me! Aeris!"
"That's like, the eight billionth time you've said that," Yuffie pointed out.
"So what? It's good to see you again! It's me! Aeris!"
"ARGH, would you shut the FUCK UP!"
"No, Cid. Don't be silly!"
"WHY THE FUCK NOT?"
"Cause it's me! AeriWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!"
Yuffie had caught the demon-Aeris-Haruka-Vincent thing in a flying tackle, grabbing it by the throat and choking it. However, a backswinging bass struck her over the head, and she fell limply to the ground. Cid, meanwhile, had just analyzed the preceding dialogue, and realized I'd made a mistake typing.
"You just fucking called me 'Cid'. Why the fuck not that 'Taco' shit?"
She giggled. "Sorry about that." Giggled again. "You see, this body sometimes takes over. So occasionally I'll call you Ta-kun. Just ignore it and call me Aeris a lot, and it'll be okay."
"The fuck ya mean, 'this body takes over'?"
"Well, it's me. But in order to interact with the world, I need a body, right? So I possessed this girl, Haruko. That's why she couldn't remember her name - because *I* couldn't remember her name. And to get to you, I needed to get to you FAST. So I became Vincent."
"The fuck ya mean, 'became Vincent'?"
"I'm his new limit break monster!" she said cheerfully. She made the peace sign, striking a pose, and the typical anime eye-twinkle thingy appeared. "Now, come on! We hafta GO!"
"The fuck YOU know about the mission?" asked Cid tactlessly.
"I'm the UNDEAD, stupid. I know EVERYTHING. Including all those naughty thoughts about Rufus. (!!!) But that's not important right now. We have to RESTORE BALANCE TO THE UNIVERSE!"
"What?" asked Yuffie, completely uncomprehending of whatever the hell was going on. But you have to give her some credit - I mean, *I* barely know where this is going, but just bear with me.
"We have to restore the balance to the universe!" she said again. "You know! Restore balance! Universe! Balance! Restore! Universe! Balance universe! You know!"
"No, I fucking DON'T."
"Oh." Aeris/Haruko shrugged. "Well, that doesn't matter, because you're all just pawns of the gods in the Lifestream who are using you for their own personal gain in destroying humanity and populating the earth with evil spirits of the one-dimensional characters of Final Fantasy II."
*blink*
"I mean . . . DAMN IT!"
Suddenly, there was a popping sound. "Uh-oh! I got made in limit break form! Now the limit break is using a limit break!"
"The fuck does that MEAN?" whined Cid.
"IT MEANS I BECOME VINCENT AGAIN!" shrieked Aeris. Then, she exploded.
"Whoa," said Yuffie. "That was so messed up . . ." She looked around quickly. " . . . baby." *smooch smooch*
"Urgh . . ."
They both turned to find Vincent on the floor, groaning miserably and nearly crushed to death by a large yellow Vespa. He weakly flung the vehicle away and propped himself up on his elbows. "Man," he said, rubbing his cranium, "I feel like I just got a sex-change operation without anesthetic while riding at 150 miles an hour on a tiny yellow motorcycle while I got bashed in the head by Aeris, with a bass guitar." He glanced at his friends. "Weird dream, huh?"
"Uh, Vinnie?" said Yuffie tentatively. "Here's the thing . . ."
"Oh, crap. What's wrong now?"
"Well . . ." She took a deep breath. "WhathappenedwasmeandCidweremakingoutandyougotreallyangryforsomereasonsoyout ransformedforyourlimitbreakattackbutinsteadofChaosyouturnedintothishotgirlwi thabassguitarandaVespamotorcycleandthenyouhitusintheheadalotwithitanditturns outthatsthebodyAerispossessedtopossessyouwithbutwheneverthelimitbreakyougets maditbecomesnormalyouandAerisyougotmadsoshebecameyouyouagain." She let out a sigh. "That's about it."
"I see," said Vincent. "I understand it all now!"
"You do?"
"No."
"Oh."
"But in any case, we still need to find Jim. So, have we reached Upper Sector Five yet?"
"Yeah."
"Okay." Vincent cocked Death Penalty and popped an aspirin. "Just one thing: no more making out. That's what started this whole thing, so we compromise the mission by engaging in sexual congress with one another."
"Okay, but - why should Cid help us?"
"What makes you ask that?"
"The fact that he just asked me, in his exact words, 'why the fuck [he] should haul [our] asses around'."
"Good point," said Vincent. "We need to show him - an abomination."
They shuddered.
"Brace yourself."
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Well, that's chapter - uh - *goes to top of word document to check title* six! As opposed to the last chapter, which came out in about a week, I managed to bang this out pretty quick. I mentioned FLCL last chapter? Well, Haruko, if I remember right, is from it.
So, Aeris has reared her big, fat, annoying, ugly, annoying head. How will Vincent cope with the fact that, in a curiously Ranma ½ like situation, he occasionally changes into a woman? How will it affect the mission? How will the repression of Yuffie's mindless sex drive impact her fighting abilities? And will Cid consent to wasting gas on these fuckers? If you can't already find out the answers due to the simple-mindedness of this story, you're going to have to read the next chapter whenever I write it! See ya!
Well, we've escaped the Merovingian's chateau.
Content: Swearing. LOTS of motherfucking swearing. Violence, too. Drug use. And, knowing me, probably some crude humor. But we'll see. If you didn't get the title yet, I'm talking about Aeris. That's right; the undead bitch is coming back to haunt the team. Aeris-lovers beware - this could get ugly. And I mean, uglier than Aeris. Well, maybe not QUITE as ugly, but just as painful to hear and about as pointless to care about.
Disclaimer: I wrote Sakaguchi-sama, and he finally sold me the rights to Final Fantasy. So everyone out there who wrote in their disclaimers that they wanted to own it? BOO-FRICKIDY-HOO!! IT'S MINE NOW!!!
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Chapter Six: Look at Me! I'm Annoying!
"Hey, what do you know? We escaped the gimongous nuclear explosion from the Merovingian's chateau!"
"Who could have seen *that* one coming . . ."
"Hey, shut up, Vinnie. Or should I say . . . Vinky?"
"Yuffie, how far is your shuriken from your hand?"
"About fifteen feet."
"How far is my gun from your head?"
"About - oh. Damn it."
"Quite right."
"If you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit now."
"I told you, Yuffie, you're not fat!"
"No, I mean I have to go - DFBUSID0FOUB3RBTIU4EWUYWI4EWPUGYH43289(*&nb n5B4H6Y9T-W[4TH6UHJNY4O987T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Whoa . . . I've never seen somebody barf up an asterisk before."
"Me neither, fucker!"
"Shut up, guys - it's not my fault that MWADOOBOOSHLIBIBADIBIDDIPDIPDIPTAKTAKTAKSHSHSHSHSHIKIKWEEOOOOOODABADAGAGBAYA SHMAHAHGENFUGEN!!!"
"Indeed. It SNOT your fault!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAAAA, fucker!"
"Okay, Cid, you can shut up now."
"Okay, fucker."
Vincent sighed. He'd had to stand Cid's superfluous swearing through every sentence the steersman spat, and more were sure to come. The vampire had torn apart one of the crew members wandering about, rendered wax from his fat, and plugged his super-undead ears with as much of the gelatinous goo as they could hold. However, the heat from Cid's cigarettes had melted the amorphous earplugs, and now he had to take the brunt of the imprecatory dialogue.
"So, we're going to Upper Sector Five. Ever been there before?"
"No, fucker. Why the fuck d'ya ask?"
"It's the ghetto. The Jewish ghetto, actually." Vincent heaved an even greater sigh than before. "The Jews were oppressed for years, you see, and moved into the Sector Five slums. Then Judas Maccabeus led a coup and took the plate; that's where they're all being contained right now."
Cid scratched his head. In the second that his hand left the wheel, the massive airship jerked left, careening wildly off the side of a building and crashing into several little kids' balloons. A few citizens waved their fists as the passing zeppelin; Cid shouted, "FUCK THE FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING PIECES OF FUCKING FUCK-FUCKERS!" as Vincent took potshots off the bow. After nailing a few ducks over the North Sea, Highwind swooped his vessel back towards Midgar.
"Hold the fuck on," said Cid, continuing the thought which had prompted the fateful head-scratch. "The Jews are being fucking oppressed in Midgar, right?"
"Yeah," replied Vincent.
"So, wouldn't Cloud be the fucker doing that?"
"Good point. Bastard."
"FUCKING bastard, if y'ask me!"
"Indeed." Vincent stroked his chin. "Perhaps the city will need to undergo a change of command before our quest is over. What do you think, Yuffie?"
"SHPLAGGADINGUDENFLURUGADENPAMENSHINGLOOPFRIGGIDABIGNIGSKABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Agreed." Vincent turned back to his work: as always, greasing up Death Penalty. "Cid, can you land the ship in Sector Five?"
"Sure, fucker, but it'll be fifteen minutes afore we can get to the fucking place."
The other frowned. "But can't we reach the next continent in like, four seconds if we try?"
"Yeah, but fuck, have you ever SEEN Cloud on the World Map? Either Midgar is five yards in diameter, or that fucker is HUGE-ASS."
"True, true . . . but have you ever noticed that for most of the time, he doesn't even have a mouth?"
"Wait a fucking minute - YOU DON'T HAVE A MOUTH!"
"NEITHER DO YOU!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!"
"SWDFHVGHJGFRYIGBTVRJEWUFRIGFTRIHTFIGRTBLISYGF;IJEWGHOIUFWEQIPUFGWEIUFGWEIGF RBTGFIURGFIPOIUREWGFBREWHRBGFIUVIJGRKVUBIHR45OUGTNRKJIURHNTIUFIFOTIGO9[TGHYQ 87[9YT8Y987;O5TGHIURHPIUREWPHGFRI/GFRBTYI4UEGFRT4G7GFTEGFRT974GRTF4E!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Wait a minute - HOW CAN YUFFIE VOMIT WITHOUT A MOUTH???" asked Vincent, horrified enough to warrant three question marks.
"I dunno," said Yuffie. "But then again, we don't have guts either."
"ORORORORORORORORORORO??????????????????????????????" asked the vampire, this time surprised enough to get a Japanese expression of alarm ON TOP OF 30 question marks.
"FUCKERS!" shrieked Cid. "CALM THE FUCK DOWN! JUST KEEP YOUR FUCKING MINDS ON THE FUCKING MISSION!"
"Right!" said Vincent. "The mission!"
"And, by the way," said Cid, "could you just remind me what the fuck the fucking mission *is* again?"
"Wait a minute," began Yuffie thoughtfully, "didn't you know our mission in the last chapter?"
"You did!" agreed Vincent.
Cid's eyes shifted back and forth in alarm. "Uh - OR SO IT WOULD FUCKING SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!!!" He waved his arms around like a magician.
"I still remember you knowing the mission."
"FUCK! All right, I can't remember."
"Why not?" asked Yuffie.
"Too much pot," he explained, gesturing towards his cigarette.
"REALLY?" Suddenly Yuffie was gone. So was Cid's joint.
"Fuck. To the fucking fuckteenth power. She's gone."
"Noooo . . . I'm right here, sexy man."
*cue Marvin Gaye*
bew bew bew BEWN
"I been feeling DRYYYY, oh baby . . ."
bew da dew da DEWN
"I been so DRY-Y-YYYY . . ."
bew bew bewn da DEWN
Cid and Yuffie looked around. Vincent was sitting there with a guitar in his hands and a frown on his face. "I forgot the rest of the song. Sorry."
"I didn't know you sang, Vinnie." The shinobi leaned close to the ninja-cum- bard (no, seriously, that's a phrase: nothing sexual about it). "Your voice is so . . . sexy . . . sex-ay . . . mmmmmmmmmm . . ." Yuffie felt more relaxed than she'd ever been in her life.
"Hey, I remembered some more!
"Oh let's get it o-o-onnnnn . . ."
bew da dew bew BEWN
"AH-LET'S LOVE, BABY!"
BEWN
"We're aaaaaa-all sensitive people . . ."
bewn da da bewn bewn DEWN
"Let's get it on-o-o-onnn . . ."
bew bewn . . . bewn . .. uh .. . b . . . da. .. . damn it. "Sorry. That's all I know. Guys? GUYS!!!???"
The pilot and ninja were making sweet, sweet love in the pilot's chair of the Highwind. The joint lay forgotten at their feet. "Guys, knock it off! GUYS!" Vincent got mad.
"SDFIJGKHBFKHEWYBFHFYKIHGYYIFEW;FEWIHGFEWJGHUFO;GROKSKJBFWIYEGFBKWJHRKIY4bFV IYEB/KGRFUYHBRWGFIUYGWKFGSDIUGFRUFYG;KURGFIUWGFBIREWFBTIEWHIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
But Chaos was not what manifested itself before the two. Instead, it was a young girl on a Vespa motorcycle, wielding a tricked-out bass guitar. In one fell swoop, she smashed the purplish bludgeon into both heads, knocking one into the other.
"OW, MOTHERFUCKER!"
"Yeah, no shit, baby . . ." *smooch smooch*
*SMACKATIVENESS*
"WOULD YOU FUCKING QUIT IT, VINCENT!?!?!?!?" Then he opened his eyes. "Vincent?"
"Hiya, Ta-kun!" said the girl with the guitar.
"FUCK," said the stoned pilot. "She is FINE."
"Fuck," said Yuffie. "She IS fine."
Cocking her head sideways, the stranger walked in a circle around the druggies. "You sure are weird, Ta-kun!"
"Uh, that's not Ta-kun," said Yuffie. "That's Cid . . . my baby . . ." *smooch smooch*
*MORE SMACKATIVENESS*
"OKAY, FUCKER, I GET THE IDEA!" Cid rubbed his head. "Fuck, Vincent, is that YOU?"
"Vincent?" asked the girl, taken aback. "Whatever do you MEAN, Ta-kun?" She giggled. "Isn't that a GUY'S name? I'm not a guy." She stopped walking. "WANNA SEE?!?!?!"
"Sure," said Yuffie as she dragged herself over Cid's form and dropped on a plush pillow. "Hey - weren't we making out in the driver's seat?"
"Yeah, no fuck."
"So how did we get on this big red love seat?"
"THAT would have been MY doing," explained guitar girl. "That chair was really yucky, so I took you over here to be more comfortable. Say, do you have a cat around here?"
"Yeah . . . she's one of the Cat Lady's cats . . . she's Oolong . . . my baby . . ." *smooch smooch* (!!!)
*FINAL INCIDENT OF SWIFT SMACKATIVENESS*
"Excellent," she muttered darkly, pressing her fingertips together. "Now, Smithers? Release the hounds."
". . . the fuck?" asked Cid.
"Nothing, Ta-kun!"
"That's not Ta-kun!" insisted Yuffie. "It's Cid, m - "
"Get the FUCK off, Yuffie. I've had enough fucking guitars to the head, thanks a fucking lot." The pilot stood up. "Damn it, you smacked the fucking stoned right out of me. Look, there it is!" On the floor in a little plastic baggie was a green substance labeled, with masking tape, 'Cid's fucking STONED'.
"Oops! Sorry, Ta-kun." She took it, opened up his head and shoved it back inside. "Good as new!"
"Hey, how the fuck is there space in my fucking head for you to stick that shit in?"
"It's not like you have a BRAIN or anything!"
"THE FUCK!"
"Relax. You don't have a mouth either, remember? What you DO have is three new horns, though!"
"The FUCK?????"
Sure as shit, each guitar smack had yielded a long, squarish horn on both Cid's head and Yuffie's. "Wha - I have horns?" asked the ninja. "I must be a little devil, huh?" She giggled. "I'm a NAUGHTY girl . . ." She approached the guitar girl, looking - 'hungry'.
"Actually, it's not like that!" said the alien cheerfully. "You're just a bit HORNIER than you were before!" She covered her eyes, cackling wildly. "Oh, I'm good! Whee!"
"Who the fuck ARE you?" wondered Cid aloud.
"I'm HARUKO - uh, HARUKO HA - HA something. I forget what." She scratched her head. "Well I'll be a studmuffin!"
"You can't even remember your own fucking NAME?!" shouted Cid, enraged.
"Well, it's not my name! My real identity is - "
Suddenly, there was a flash of movement. The girl moved like a blur, and a second later before them stood - the girl.
In a strangely familiar pink dress.
"Hey, why the fuck are you wearing that fucking dress!" snarled the pilot of the airship. Speaking of which, who's flying the airship right now?
Oh, fuck.
"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everybody went slamming into the port wall as the Highwind swung to the left. It was spiraling out of control, ramming into buildings here and there, crushing the fleeing chickens and warranting the occasional curse from a concerned passerby. In a second, Haruko the guitar girl rushed to the pilot seat, righted their trajectory, and put the ship on cruise control.
"THAT should work!" said Haruko. Then she rushed back to the two stricken druggies and said, "I'm HARUKO HA-what's-her-face, ALIEN ROCK STAR EXTRAORDINAIRE! But in my spare time, I'm a nurse, a housekeeper, and a certain Cetra you might all remember!"
"FUCK, it's Aeris! Kill the fucker! KILL THE FUCKER!"
"We can't kill her! It's Aeris!" Yuffie ran around in crazed circles.
Cid swore. "You're fucking right! She's a fucking GHOST!" He snapped his fingers. "Well, fuck it, we just have to fucking kill OURSELVES." He ran to the cockpit and began pressing buttons.
Haruko, however, rammed into him with her Vespa 'cycle and hit him with the guitar again. "NAUGHTY CID! It's me! Aeris!"
"I KNOW, fucker!" sneered the prone pilot. "You just broke my fucking ATM!"
"Huh?"
"I mean, fucking ARM!" (Hey, my 'r' is right next to my 't'. So sue me.)
"Oh. Well, anyway, it's me! Aeris!"
"That's like, the eight billionth time you've said that," Yuffie pointed out.
"So what? It's good to see you again! It's me! Aeris!"
"ARGH, would you shut the FUCK UP!"
"No, Cid. Don't be silly!"
"WHY THE FUCK NOT?"
"Cause it's me! AeriWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!"
Yuffie had caught the demon-Aeris-Haruka-Vincent thing in a flying tackle, grabbing it by the throat and choking it. However, a backswinging bass struck her over the head, and she fell limply to the ground. Cid, meanwhile, had just analyzed the preceding dialogue, and realized I'd made a mistake typing.
"You just fucking called me 'Cid'. Why the fuck not that 'Taco' shit?"
She giggled. "Sorry about that." Giggled again. "You see, this body sometimes takes over. So occasionally I'll call you Ta-kun. Just ignore it and call me Aeris a lot, and it'll be okay."
"The fuck ya mean, 'this body takes over'?"
"Well, it's me. But in order to interact with the world, I need a body, right? So I possessed this girl, Haruko. That's why she couldn't remember her name - because *I* couldn't remember her name. And to get to you, I needed to get to you FAST. So I became Vincent."
"The fuck ya mean, 'became Vincent'?"
"I'm his new limit break monster!" she said cheerfully. She made the peace sign, striking a pose, and the typical anime eye-twinkle thingy appeared. "Now, come on! We hafta GO!"
"The fuck YOU know about the mission?" asked Cid tactlessly.
"I'm the UNDEAD, stupid. I know EVERYTHING. Including all those naughty thoughts about Rufus. (!!!) But that's not important right now. We have to RESTORE BALANCE TO THE UNIVERSE!"
"What?" asked Yuffie, completely uncomprehending of whatever the hell was going on. But you have to give her some credit - I mean, *I* barely know where this is going, but just bear with me.
"We have to restore the balance to the universe!" she said again. "You know! Restore balance! Universe! Balance! Restore! Universe! Balance universe! You know!"
"No, I fucking DON'T."
"Oh." Aeris/Haruko shrugged. "Well, that doesn't matter, because you're all just pawns of the gods in the Lifestream who are using you for their own personal gain in destroying humanity and populating the earth with evil spirits of the one-dimensional characters of Final Fantasy II."
*blink*
"I mean . . . DAMN IT!"
Suddenly, there was a popping sound. "Uh-oh! I got made in limit break form! Now the limit break is using a limit break!"
"The fuck does that MEAN?" whined Cid.
"IT MEANS I BECOME VINCENT AGAIN!" shrieked Aeris. Then, she exploded.
"Whoa," said Yuffie. "That was so messed up . . ." She looked around quickly. " . . . baby." *smooch smooch*
"Urgh . . ."
They both turned to find Vincent on the floor, groaning miserably and nearly crushed to death by a large yellow Vespa. He weakly flung the vehicle away and propped himself up on his elbows. "Man," he said, rubbing his cranium, "I feel like I just got a sex-change operation without anesthetic while riding at 150 miles an hour on a tiny yellow motorcycle while I got bashed in the head by Aeris, with a bass guitar." He glanced at his friends. "Weird dream, huh?"
"Uh, Vinnie?" said Yuffie tentatively. "Here's the thing . . ."
"Oh, crap. What's wrong now?"
"Well . . ." She took a deep breath. "WhathappenedwasmeandCidweremakingoutandyougotreallyangryforsomereasonsoyout ransformedforyourlimitbreakattackbutinsteadofChaosyouturnedintothishotgirlwi thabassguitarandaVespamotorcycleandthenyouhitusintheheadalotwithitanditturns outthatsthebodyAerispossessedtopossessyouwithbutwheneverthelimitbreakyougets maditbecomesnormalyouandAerisyougotmadsoshebecameyouyouagain." She let out a sigh. "That's about it."
"I see," said Vincent. "I understand it all now!"
"You do?"
"No."
"Oh."
"But in any case, we still need to find Jim. So, have we reached Upper Sector Five yet?"
"Yeah."
"Okay." Vincent cocked Death Penalty and popped an aspirin. "Just one thing: no more making out. That's what started this whole thing, so we compromise the mission by engaging in sexual congress with one another."
"Okay, but - why should Cid help us?"
"What makes you ask that?"
"The fact that he just asked me, in his exact words, 'why the fuck [he] should haul [our] asses around'."
"Good point," said Vincent. "We need to show him - an abomination."
They shuddered.
"Brace yourself."
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Well, that's chapter - uh - *goes to top of word document to check title* six! As opposed to the last chapter, which came out in about a week, I managed to bang this out pretty quick. I mentioned FLCL last chapter? Well, Haruko, if I remember right, is from it.
So, Aeris has reared her big, fat, annoying, ugly, annoying head. How will Vincent cope with the fact that, in a curiously Ranma ½ like situation, he occasionally changes into a woman? How will it affect the mission? How will the repression of Yuffie's mindless sex drive impact her fighting abilities? And will Cid consent to wasting gas on these fuckers? If you can't already find out the answers due to the simple-mindedness of this story, you're going to have to read the next chapter whenever I write it! See ya!
