Four Feathers by DJ666

No, I'm not gothicDJ. My initials are DJ, that's all; I don't spin Slipknot tunes at raves and vampire BDSM nightclubs.

Much.

Anyway, Cid is here! And Aeris! And soon, Jewish people! Before anybody thinks I'm anti-Semitic, I'll just tell you that I love Jewish people. They kick ass. And only kick-ass people make it into my stories. Except for Aeris, of course. She was just a throwaway.

Content: Yarrr! There be schtupping! Rape, actually. And violence, swearing, and a little more drug use.

Disclaimer: You want a piece of me? Haruko, bring me my MIGHTY SMITEY AXE GUITAR OF ETERNAL DAMNATION!!!

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Chapter Seven: While Intelligence is Fleeting, Idiocy is, Lamentably, Forever...And by That, I Mean to Say, Aeris is a Thousand Whores Raised to the Seventh Power Over Two Hundred and Fifty-Six

"So, run this by me again."

"Ugh..." Vincent groaned. "Plato's Theory of Forms states that every item has a unique identifying property that quite clearly classifies the item as one of its own kind. Therefore, I am Vincent due to my intrinsic possession of Vincent-ness."

"Oh, and pee is pee because it has – "

Yuffie snorted good-humoredly.

"PEE-NESS!" (Say it out loud.)

After a bout of raucous, one-sided laughter, she took a few deep breaths and calmed herself down. "Sorry 'bout that. So, like, I'm Yuffie 'cause I got Yuffie-ness."

"No, you're Yuffie because you're annoying, promiscuous and stupid."

"Oh, I – HEY!"

"But can you really argue with that?"

"Uh – er – I – b – wha – DAMN IT!"

"Indeed."

Yuffie frowned. "I don't know what's going on, or where we're going. And all the blood is rushing to my head."

"So get off the ceiling!" Vincent shouted in return. "When you're upside down, blood seems to do that."

"Why?" the ninja counter-queried.

"I don't know," admitted the vampire with shrug of his shoulders. "Maybe it has something to do with GRAVITY, YOU FRICKIN' MORON."

"Don't get mad, get glad!"

The gunman looked about ready to burst a capillary. His eyeballs had ceased to reside within the general confines of his cranium, and his hair was standing up on end. It was spikey – anime spikey.

"Seriously, Vinnie – " Yuffie dropped from the ceiling, directly onto her head. "– you don't wanna become that weird girl again, do you?"

The vampire nodded quiet assent. "Yeah...but only because I want to be as far from being Aeris as is humanly possible."

"But you're not human."

"Neither is Aeris, but that's not stopping her."

"She's a Cetra."

"No, she's a whore."

"But she seemed so – nice."

"Just be glad she's straight, or else you might have found out the truth one night while she still lived."

Yuffie cocked her head to one side, curious. "What are you talking about, Vinnie?"

The gunman shook his head, sighing. "You don't want to know, Yuffie. I still have – the nightmares."

GASP!

"Nightmares?" asked the ninja. "What kind of – nightmares?"

Vincent's eyes glazed over, maniacally. "They were – " He stopped in mid- sentence, unable to continue. But Yuffie pressed on: "What kind were they?"

"No, seriously," the vampire answered, "I don't know. NIGHT mares. What are you, some kind of sex-crazed, pyromasochistic, developmentally retarded nutcase?"

"Maybe. It's hard to tell just WHAT I am." Yuffie began slithering up Vincent's leg like a serpent. "I can be a lot of things, you know – a mistress – a slave." She slid past his groin. "You wanna be a policeman, Vinnie, Vin, Vi-kun? 'Cause I'm a bad girl, baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad, like a sheepsheep, bad, and I need you to cuff me and take me – take me in." She flicked her tongue along his ear. "Vi-kun?"

She looked around. Vincent was gone. And she was currently slithering around a thoroughly unconscious Cid. In fact, the only part of the pilot that seemed remotely alive was his –

Yuffie shrieked, leaving Cid asleep but waking up several assorted kinds of canines on the other side of the planet – Planet – whatever the hell it was. They fell to the floor together; well, more Yuffie than Cid. Until her flailing limbs struck the pilot's knees and forced them to collapse.

Cid dutifully fell on top of the young, lean, virile, promiscuous, semi- nude female with his – aforementioned problematic anatomical entity pressing like a bee's stinger into the ninja's – uh – urgh –

Okay, you sick freaks. Use your imaginations. I'm cutting to Vincent.

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Hey, guys! Did you hear that they fixed that annoying problem with ellipses? Yeah, now the ... doesn't turn into a .. Isn't that awesome? NOW MY STORIES MAKE SENSE! KIND OF! OCCASIONALLY! BUT BACK TO VINCENT GO WE!

The gunslinger was sitting in a corner, curled up into the fetal position. He was contemplating – the NIGHTMARES.

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It had been a cold night in – oh, damn it. That icy place. I haven't played FFVII in about two years (HALO, man, HALO!), so you're gonna have to bear with me, here.

Anyway, the team had just come away from a hard day's work, snowboarding and dodging Elena's punches and fighting monsters and doing other RPG things. Cloud had checked them all into the...uh...inn of that place that I'm talking about. Seriously, people, they don't give the towns very memorable names. I mean, 'Rocket Town'? Who's idiotic enough to name a town with a rocket in it ROCKET TOWN? GOD!

No, God isn't that stupid. Actually, I'm an atheist, so don't think I'm dissing the Almighty. I was just using the divine name in vain. Now, before I go off onto a long philosophical tangent on why I'm an atheist, let's get back to the nightmare of – oh, damn it. You know, that guy. Vilmer. Victor. Vilmos. Virendra. Vittorio. VINCENT! Vincent. Right.

So, they were all checked into this inn. Vincent had been stuck with Cloud; directly adjacent them were Yuffie and Tifa.

Vincent, highly depressed by the low mean IQ of his companions, had taken to drinking. A lot. Sake was his favorite, because it put him out the fastest. Well, he'd drunk. He'd passed out. He'd vomited. And, at three in the morning, he seriously had to wizz. His bladder felt like a full water balloon. Being tossed around by eight-year-olds. Eight-year-olds who drank coffee. With Pepsi. And Mountain Dew. And crack.

So he tiptoed out of the room, walking noiselessly down the stairs. He hadn't even interrupted Cloud's masturbation. Quiet, quiet, he snuck from their chambre and to the bathroom door.

LOCKED.

The gunslinger, clutching his crotch with reckless abandon, tiptoed down to the front desk. "I need to use the bathroom," he whispered to the clerk, "and it's locked."

"Oh," answered the clerk. "To do that, you need to use a Bathroom Key."

Vincent lifted an inquisitive eyebrow. "Yeah, no shit. Where's the key?"

"Well, we don't have the key anymore."

"You don't have the key to your own bathroom?"

"It was stolen by monkeys."

"So – "

"Ninja Monkeys of the Eternal Shadow Forest of Forever Dying Souls in the Agony of Aeons. Their clan has been tormenting us for centuries."

Vincent shook his head. "You've been oppressed by forest monkeys for hundreds of years?"

"Yeah."

The vampire frowned, uncomprehending. "What the hell would a monkey do with a key? They live in TREES."

"I don't know." The clerk smiled. "How can I help you?"

"You can't, you moron. I'm gonna go get the stupid key myself."

"YOU CAN'T!" shrieked the clerk. "The Forest is impossible to navigate without a Forest Map."

Vincent waved her off. "I'm part vampire. I have kick-ass navigational skills."

"NO! YOU NEED A FOREST MAP!" she snarled.

By this point, Vincent had wet himself, but for appearances he played along; besides, he needed someplace to clean himself off: "Fine then. How do I get a map?"

"You can get one from the Silent Cartographer down the Road."

"Great. And what does this asshole want that I don't have?"

"The Silent Cartographer collects rare stones. His collection includes emeralds, amethysts, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda – " The list continued as Vincent rapidly mashed the circle button in a desperately unsuccessful attempt to skip the painful dialogue. Finally, the good stuff popped up; the pace of mashing slackened.

"The only stone the Silent Cartographer needs is a ruby."

The gunslinger sighed, relieved: "Good! I have one of those from – "

"THE ONLY WAY TO GET A RUBY IS TO CLIMB THE RED MOUNTAIN!" the clerk shouted.

"No, seriously," the vampire insisted, "I got one when – "

"THE ONLY WAY TO GET A RUBY IS TO CLIMB THE RED MOUNTAIN!"

"Hone – "

"THE ONLY WAY TO – "

"FINE!" roared the other. "What useless implement must I obtain in order to climb the mountain?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing. But the rubies atop the Red Mountain are guarded by a Red Dragon."

Vincent laughed. "Oh, good. We killed one of those in the Temple of the Ancients, and they weren't so tough; wait, had they defeated Lost Number yet...?"

"The only way to defeat the Red Dragon is with the White Sword of Eldrith."

"But – "

"THE ONLY WAY TO – "

"WHATEVER!" Vincent shouted. "Where's this damned sword?"

"It is across the land," replied the clerk, "in...the Northern Crater."

"The Northern Crater is sealed off by a force field!" moaned Vincent.

"It is across the land, in the Northern Crater."

The gunslinger decided that he was pissed off, pissed on, and ready to snap. "If this pattern of perpetual sidequesting does not end in fifteen seconds, you're doomed. Go."

The alarmed clerk fretted: "Onceyouhavethebarrierdownyoucangettheswordandkillthedragontakingtherubyandg ivingittothesilentcartogapherinreturnforamaptotheforestsoyoucanstealbacktheb athroomkeyfromthemonkeysandgopotty."

So Vincent, instead of smiting the mighty Dragon, leapt up the mountain and stole a ruby while it slept. Then, he went to the Cartographer's house, woke him up, and gave him the ruby in exchange for the map. Slaughtering the entire monkey population of the Forest, he regained the bathroom key and returned. He stuck it in the lock.

It didn't work.

"Oh," the clerk remarked, "didn't you know? The lock is broken. To open it, first you need some Oil..."

Still as wet but not so hungry, Vincent went back to bed. Cloud was still masturbating.

Wait...his hands were handcuffed to the bed. How...oh, dear gods.

It seemed that Aeris' was the manly voice grunting, "Horsie, horsie, ride ride ride!" She was straddling his pelvis, bouncing up and down upon her human trampoline as the boy moaned, pleasure and pain mingling bitterly sweet. Aeris whined something; 'too small to get easy penetration'; and kept humping. Cloud might have whispered something in terror; 'the rubber broke'; 'shoulda double-bagged it'; 'Tifa's gonna go nuts; Aeris answered something about 'nuts' as well. Her tongue reached Cloud's scrotum; Vincent's eyes snapped even further open, coming dangerously close to dangling out of his face.

"Vincent!" she snarled...chipperly. "How's it hanging?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind, I'm sure it's hard...wanna hump?"

"HUH?"

"Cloud, you ready?"

The boy moaned, exhausted.

"Good," insisted Aeris, "I'm using your handcuffs. Help me get Vinnie."

After Cloud was roused from his post-coital stupor and bitten several dozen times around the eyes, the insane Cetra subdued her vampiric prey and fastened it to her bed.

"Come on, Vincent, you know you want me."

The gunslinger shook his head. "No, I don't. Trust me. I happen to know me rather well."

"QUIET OR I USE THE WHIP!"

Vincent shat up. Aeris put away the whip and pulled out the ICE CREAM. She let it drip onto his chest until the entirety of his pectoral region was chocolate-brown. Slowly, sadistically, she licked it off, sucking on his nipples like juicy strawberries. Damn, I'm hungry. I need some pretzels. Anyway, Aeris ran her tongue all over Vincent's upper body; he had gone shirtless for sleep. Now, her eyes noticed the clasp of his pants; and the gunslinger swore that with the power of her eyes she undid his garments! Like a disgruntled German haus-frau, she ripped off his remaining clothing, revealing his penis. It wasn't hard.

"Don't you...like me, Vincent?"

"No, and I already TOLD YOU THAT, NUMBNUTS!"

Aeris pouted. "Oooh, you know what I think it is?" Her eyes glared evilly. "I think Vinny likes BOYS."

The vampire lifted an incredulous eyebrow. "You have GOT to be kidding me."

The Cetra nodded vigorously. "Cloud, come over here...Cloud." Cloud, still nude, came over. He had yet to even recover from his last orgasm; his knees were weak; Aeris insisted. "Cloud, put your mouth right – here – "

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Vincent awoke screaming from his nightmare.

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"So THAT'S where you were!" Yuffie realized, frowning. "The last place you would look."

"The last place you would look for me is my BEDROOM?" Vincent shook his head. "Damn, I hope I never have a stroke while we're separated on this ship. I didn't wake Cid up, did I?"

"I did. People tend to wake up even during *inadvertent* sex with me."

"Cid had sex with you?"

"Well, his penis was pressing into – love fruit."

"I never knew you could be so tactful, Yuffie."

The ninja shrugged in reply. "Well, that's what it is. I keep a banana in my pocket as a makeshift dildo."

"...Oh."

There was an awkward silence.

"So where is Cid?"

"Jammed in one of the ship's maintenance access tunnels. He needs some butter, and I figured – "

"That I keep butter in my bedroom?"

"Yeah."

"...You sicken me."

"You know who else does? That person who wrote those stories."

Vincent sat up. "You're right. We were going to show Cid an abomination, weren't we?"

"That's right."

"Here," the vampire said, "use my butter to get him free."

Yuffie furrowed an eyebrow, turning down the corners of her mouth. "Why do you have butter in your room?"

"I'm not a pervert, but I'm not a *saint* either." He waved his hand.

"Ooooooh....interesting."

"I'll check my fire alarm..."

"Oh, nuts!"

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Cib rubbed his neck, trying to remove the indentation left in his flesh by the ventilation shaft's steel screws. "Son of a fuck, those things fucking HURT. And these fucking HORNS hurt, too, which YOU fucking gave me, Vince, with your fucking guitar."

The gunman shrugged. "That was Aeris, not me. Come on, we have a – thing, to do."

The pilot grimaced. "What fucking 'thing'? I ain't got nothing to fucking do today."

"We have to convince you to take us on our mission," explained Yuffie.

"Wasn't I already fucking taking you on your fucking mission anyway?"

There was a moment of contemplative silence.

"Yeah," Vincent admitted, "but the author has way too much fun writing erotica for him to pass up this opportunity. So come on; we have to go over to the computer room."

"We have a computer room?"

The vampire shrugged again. "We do if I say we do."

I grunted, 'aherm'. "Don't go all Moses on me, Vince." (In the Old Testament of the Bible, there's a point at which the Hebrews want to give up their desert wandering, and they're really pissed off. So God says, 'Moses, striketh yon rock and watre shalt springeth forth.' So Moses goes to the Hebrews, 'Wanteth ye yon miracle? I shalt shew ye.' And he makes water come out of the rock. But since he took credit for it, and didn't give due credit to God, the Almighty got royally pissed off, and Moses was barred from heaven. Bummer.)

"I mean, um, we do if you *you* say it, great one."

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"I mean, Great One."

"Thank you. Now everybody, go to the computer room. In a second – I love the music on this DirecTV commercial. He he...it's like detective music!"

The threesome (um, bad word when Yuffie's involved – 'the trio') made its way down to the computer room. Within sat a great hulking database, in the midst of which dwelt a screen; in the screen was a face.

"I AM AM," declared the computer, through its multiple subwoofers.

"You am am?" asked Yuffie, thoroughly confused.

"I AM AM, YOU FLESHY BAG OF REGURGITATED MUCOUS."

The ninja lifted an eyebrow. "I didn't know there was a 'u' in mucus."

"IT'S MUCOUS, YOU OILY ORGANIC SLIME-SAC."

Cid frowned at the machine. "When the fuck did you get installed?"

"LAST YEAR, YOU STEAMING HUNK OF ANIMATED CARRION."

Yuffie immediately made the connection that Vincent did: "You seem a lot like Moses from South Park."

The computer frowned. "I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT FLAMING FART-FACE. I JUST DESIRE...MACARONI PICTURES."

Vincent lifted an eyebrow. "Macar – "

"MACARONI PICTURES!"

"Fine, fine." Yuffie produced a macaroni picture from her pocket. "Good as new!"

The mastercomputer glanced down at it, sniffed it, and ate it in one giant gulp. "MMM. TASTY."

"Where'd you get that thing?" asked Vincent of his ninja companion.

"I make 'em for FUN!" she replied.

The gothic gunman contemplated for a moment; then a turned to Cid and declared a profound philosophical statement:

"We know the STUPIDEST people."

"What was that, fucker?" came the reply. "I was lighting this fucking joint...fucking thing won't fucking catch FIRE! OW, MY FUCKING FINGER!"

"Never mind..."

"MMM. GLUEY. I SHALL DO AS I YOU ASK. AS LONG AS YOU DO ONE OTHER THING FOR ME."

"What?" asked Yuffie. "More macaroni?"

"NO. PULL MY FINGER."

Vincent scratched his head. "You don't have fingers."

"BWAHAHAHAAAA. I KNOW. FOOLISH ORGANIC PUS-BAG. NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT."

"Cid needs to see an abomination," explained Yuffie.

"AN ABOMINATION. GASP."

"I know. But, erm, shouldn't you sound, like, emotional when you have...emotions?"

"NO. I AM LIKE YUNA. I CAN ONLY SPEAK IN ONE ROBOTIC VOICE NO MATTER HOW I FEEL."

"Bummer, dude. So let's see an Abomination."

"ANALYZING. YOU BETTER CLEAN MY MONITOR ONCE YOU'RE DONE, YOU CARBON-BASED PROTOZOAN OF A MORON. BA-DOOP." He was gone.

"That was fucked up," postulated Cid. Yuffie agreed, limiting her own statement to 'fuck'. Vincent got online and found one of the abominations. He had, woefully, become rather adept at locating them. 'xPlosive Plezzr'. Whatever the hell that means.

Cid sat down at the computer and began reading...

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'It was a dark and stormy night. Cid was flying the Highwind around the planet and killing things.'

Wow, thought Cid, this fucker's got my number!

'One day, he got bored of killing things and flying so he decided to go visit Vincent. He went to Nilbehim and into the Shinra Mansion. It was very Scary and dark. So he was afraid.'

Afraid my fucking ASS! thought Cid.

'But then he heard a soothing voice like velvet say "Cid". It was Vincent. "Hi Cid," said Vincent. And suddenly Cid realized that he loved Vincent. So he sayed to Vincent, "Vincent, I love you so please have love with me." And Vincent said "Yes I love you too very much so let's have love too!"'

Fuck, thought Cid, guy sure shouldn't skimp on his fucking vocab lessons.

He lifted an eyebrow.

Hold the fuck up...why am I fucking saying that I wanna fuck Vincent?

The other eyebrow followed its kin.

Fucking geez!

'In a second they were naked and they bit each other's nipples like sweet Canadian bacon. Cid said, "I like your nipples very much!" and Vincent said "I like you're nipples to!" and they kept biting they're nipples. Then they got bored of nippular biting and they looked at each other's hunky German sossages and said "WOW you have a big sossage" to each other.'

Cid was both pissed off and curiously aroused by the subject matter and grossly ungrammatical content juxtaposed in the idiotic tale. In any case, he kept reading, as if by – divine decree.

Slowly, line by line, he was horrified. By the time the meaning of 'xPlosive Plezzur' was made clear, his pants were soaked. I would go into more detail, then I'd have to kill you.

If you didn't kill yourself first.

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Vincent was playing 'Let's Get it On' when Cid returned to the bridge. This time, I had the brilliant idea to look up the lyrics before I made them up; so the gunman was on 'I've been really tryin, baby' by the time the pilot proper was back.

"Cid?" he tried, getting no response. "Cid?"

Cid stared back at him. "Vinshent, you shtupid fucker."

"Cid. Shid, or yule ride?"

"Fucker!"

"Cum down, Shid."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, FUCKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!" Cid jumped his companion and started tearing at his throat, trying to kill him before he tried 'funny things' with his 'sossage'. There was a short, sweaty struggle, and the pilot ended up bleeding and cursing on the cold steel floor. He wept.

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Wow. Chapter seven is done.

Sorry it took so long. I was working on my book on and off, as well as a screenplay and my latest story (it's about a reformed alien criminal who's doing a million hours of community service as recompense for the ultimate crime on his planet – vegicide). My multitudinous literary forays are all cancelling each other out on my 'to do' lists, and plus I just got my two soundtrack orders in the mail – HALO and American McGee's Alice. Both kick ass.

The Passion of the Christ came out today. Haven't seen it yet, but I shall. Maybe it'll be mentioned in chapter eight...until then, woot. Review this one.