I do not own the Harry Potter universe.Or the books.

I do not own Fight Club. Which I reference.

Chapter Five : Azkaban

Ron had left to Azkaban with two cheermentors, which are the exact opposite of dementors. They were orange and happy happy faces and muggles saw them, except for all of them. Azkaban was dirty. And messy. And dirty. He had a roommate. Who was dirty. He claimed he teddy bears ! and murdered 26 people in one day. He then looked at Ronald, who was singing to the cheermentors and suddenly stopped, and looked at the man and heard when he said.

« Boy ! On your knees ! »

Sophie learned to walk today ! We caught it on daddy's video camera. She had her first food after her ribs almost came out of her skin for 6 months. It was peas. After 6 months of starvation, she ate saliva was curving around Ron's mouth disgusted with what he just did. A man was yelling outside his cabin at Ron. His roommate was pulling up his pants.

SCENE CHANGE

Harry walked into Hogsmeade with great pride and dignity when suddenly Filch said, « may I see your slip for hogmeade BOY ? ? ? »

Harry handed him the signed paper and looked at when it said.

Heerie ! Heerie ! I give this boy Harry Potter permission to go to Hogsmeade.

My name is :

X.Sirius Black.

« Sirius Black eh ? »

« Eh ? »

« Eh ? »

« Eh ? »

« Eh ? »

« Yes. »

« I see. Acomplice. »

« No no no no no no no no. Accomplice. »

« Ok »

Harry walked through Hogsmeade skipping cheerfully around the cobblestone town like an idiot. Then suddenly, as Hermione came forward in time, ran into Harry. She was waring glasses because it was A.U. Her voice was that of a nerdy idiot's.

« I just stopped the great Muggle-Wizarding War ! »

« What ? »

« Oh. Right. Yeah, » Hermione said dumbfoundly nerdily idiotly, « Ron's in Azkaban. I visited a couple times. »

« He left yesterday. » Harry said.

« Time Travel. Oh, and jeez- you wouldn't believe his mate. » Hermione replied.

« Let's go do the hero thing, and save him ! » Harry replied.

« Just like I would say what you were doing if this wasn't A.U ! » Hermione said throwing an insult at Harry.

« Yep. Let's see that Time-Turner. »

Just as the golden chain which is coincidentally long enough for two people went around them, they went back 1 minute. BOM BOM BOOOOOOOOOOM.

Harry was in Hogsmeade, but it was empty. Then, he ran to Azkaban. He ran. He ran until his muscles burned and his veins hit acid.Then he ran some more. Soon, he got to Azkaban. And hid behind a bush with the nerd.

« Stay here. Im going to do that hero thing. »

« Righto man. Righto. » Hermione said looking like Trelawney. She put her legs out in front of her and her hands behind her head and looked up at the sihouetted trees covering the shining moon.

Righto, Harry thought, Righto.

A hero theme was going through the hero's head.

The hero's wand was out in front of him.

The hero was very hero-like.

The hero was ready to kick some major dementor ass.

Hero Harry walked slowly. He soon found the small circled brick houses with dementors and cheermentors wondering around. He remembered Ron's Azkaban number that nobody told him. 1109. 1109. 1109. He walked around he saw 1100, which meant Harry was luckily close to Ron's brick cabin. 1103. 1104. 1105.1106. Where was it ? Was it close ? Was it far ? Why couldn't Harry remember he was only three places away ?

1107. 1108. 1109. Eww. Disgusting. Who is in there ? Oh my god Ron ! « Roooooooon ! » Ohmigod ! Jesus Sophie Christ ! Hero Harry fainted. Dementor was coming.A lady was screaming as everything went pitch black. The woman was yelling.

« Oh ! James ! Oh ! JAMES ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh !Harry ! Oh ! »

Ahhhh !

Jeez.

What a perverted world we live in.

Harry was being smacked my Lupin who suddenly appeared.

« Chocolate ? »

« Yessir. »

Harry grumbled down the chocolate. Then Lupin dissappeared.

He had to open Ron's cabin.

« Aloho-

He fainted again.

Again the woman was yelling and screaming and ooooohhing and aaaaaahing but..

Yeah.

He awoke and Lupin was there again.

« Chocolate ! »

« Yessir. »

He grumbled hown the chocolate as Lupin Left.

« EXPECTO PATRONU-

Wait. This is A.U. He doesn't know this. Rewind.

« Alohomora ! »

The cage opened, but a hooded dementor came again, and Harry fainted once more. Darkness. Woman yelling. Etc.

He awoke once more and a hairy rapist was there.

« Poo ? »

« Ahh ! »

Harry ran with Ron, who was going through purberty, and had a beard after one day.

They soon found Hermione and snuck back into Hogwarts only for more problems to begin. Where do we go ? What do they do ? How do they accomplish this ? And How ? Well, soon, after they saw Lucious Malfoy was headmaster, who indeed was a murderer himself, possibly wouldn't care of any crime breaking son of a bitch that tried to enter Hogwarts.

« Harry ? » Ron started.

« Yeah ? » Harry asked. They held hands. There suddenly was a giant explosion as Hogwarts fell to the ground.

« I hate you. » Ron said. There was a distant explosion.

« Why ? You framed me. You're a Back Stabbing Cold Blooded Imposter Gangsta Yo. »

« I know. »

Another explosion. Suddenly, there was a giant electric shock in the bay and the giant squid and the mermaids fell to the top.

They all hugged as there was one final explosion, and Ron and Harry hugged.

Tomorrow on Back : Harry goes back to the start because of Lord Voldemort…and ends up making a really really big mistake.