I don't own anything you see here except for the plot.
The characters and settings as well, belong to J.K Rowling.
I do not own "Till The Morning Comes", which is Neil Young's.
I do not own The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
I do not own Reservoir Dogs.
I do not own Lord of the Flies.
Thank you for those who have reviewed
here it is:
Chapter 10: Gift for The Dementor
Hermione, again still the only one of the trio alive, sat down at the Great Hall tables, eating toast with marmalade and some peppermint tea. Her owl, (now Gloria Swanson owl species) swooped throw the windows of the Great Hall and ran straight into Neville Bigbottom. Because of a rapidly spreading disease called A.U, Neville was a giant bully and tore the owl to shreds.
"MOTHER !"
For no reason after, he just threw the owl at Hermione, took out his newspaper, and acted like nothing just happened at all. Hermione looked at the cadaver on the floor, and decided to act Mexicanly queer for the next 30 seconds.
"El Nina Gonzalez! Taco Enchilada! Burrrrrrrrrrito! YA YA YA YA YA!"
She looked at the Daily Prophet, and acted liked nothing just happened at all. On the front page was Harry, with a missing ear and walking around his still-being-made-cabin, which was easily escapeable, but Harry didn't seem to think this.
It was evening, and Harry suddenly looked at Hermione directly in the eyes. His hand, (which seemed to be his only) went through the gate that was already built there, and Harry raised his bony middle finger. Hermione gasped and quickly turned the page. There was another page of Harry flipping off Hermione, and another. Hermione quickly kept turning the pages, every page was full of bony men flipping off Hermione.
On the front cover was Harry, fully-organed, hopefully, and he was laying down in his fully built cabin in Azkaban. Hermione waved at him. She was so stupid.
On page 343, after all the Wizarding ads, such as WHOPPERWEAR, robes and other clothing for the overweight wizard, and Do YOU Have a Secret Admirerer?
Come in and buy them some fresh...new...wizarding...chocolate...I guess...
On the contents page was as follows as this as follows:
1. Fashion Tips For Your Pet Goat!
2. " " " You!
3. Even More Reasons to Hate Those Bloody House Elves Volume 9.
4. Harry Potter: Gift For The Dementor
5. TheBlackKeys: He Meets Dennis Casey
6. TheBlackKeys: He Did It Again!
7. TheOrangeButtons: Does TheBlackKeys know?
8. Dennis Casey: Does TheOrangeButtons know?
9. TheBlackKeys: Does Dennis Casey know that TheOrangeButtons know?
10. WHO THE ! CARES?
11. Makeup On Every Inch Of Your Body!
12. NOW SERIOUSLY! WHO THE #! CARES!
13. Does The Sun Never Shine On Closed Doors? Did you Open to Find Only Hurricanes Blow? Did It Take You Away to the Green Fields of Grain? Where The Sun Never Shines on Closed Doors? Do You All Go The Same Way Home?
Yes, You All Go The Same Way Home? Dennis Casey's Guitar Strings?
27. Queen Anne: Did She Get Her Revenge?
29. Words Of Wisdom From: Johnny Depp and a Mellow Marshmellow.
37. I-Can't-Believe-People-Hate-Gay-People-But-We-Are-Extremley-Homophobic-Hypocrites-Joke-Of-The-Day!
38. TheFieryFurnaces: Their Dog Was Lost, But Now Their Found.
39. Low! Low Prices for Pinstripe Suits That Nobody Cares About Except TheBlackKeys and Dave King! But They're Dumb!
40. Blindy: The Really Dumb Snake With No Eyes
42. Twiggy: A Twig! A Dumb Twig! A REALLY DUMB TWIG!
43. Dumb Thumb: Harry Potter cut off his thumb, and we had an interview!
45. The Other Wizarding News: DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! DUMB!
46. Top 35 Punishing Ideas: No More Soap In The Mouth Moms! New Ways Using Magic Having Your Youngsters Learn Their Lesson!
49. Top 1000 Things We Call Dumb: You Won't Believe #1! It's You!
Queer, Hermione thought, Usually The Daily Prophet is only about 12 pages long. She then turned to page 4, reading the Harry Potter interview, and read.
Hello, and Welcome to This WEEK in Dumb Things DAILY. This MONTH, we decided on three things that were really dumb this YEAR. Harry Potter, Harry Potter, and Harry Potter.
We quickly got the inside scoop on what's keeping him in the coop. We walked to cabin number 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001, and we had to walk no cabins. He was Number One. Anyway, onto the Interview of the Minute. However, we must tell you, if you are reading this to your children, or vice versa, don't.
Teach Your Kids to be Homophobic Hypocrites, and go to page 37. That's good news. Not That Dumb Crap.
The Daily Show-I mean Prophet: Hey Crazy Baby, How Long Have you been here?
Harry Potter: Eh..A While...
TDP: I see.. Can we take a picture of you for Number #2 of Top 1000 Things We Call Dumb?
HP: Depends...What's Number One?
TDP:You!
HP: silent
After 5 more minutes of silence, the interview continued.
TDP: So..uh...I noticed you only have one ear. WTF mate?
HP: Oh..yeah..my roommate rapist here, his nickname's Hairy Harry. We share the same name...anyway, he taught me about Lord of the Flies and Reservoir Dogs. And uh...he said something about a gift for the beast, and I thought he meant the dementors, so (right about now he pushed his hair out of his eyes) he also talked about how they tortured the cop in Reservoir Dogs into telling them the cop informer, and so he cut off my ear as a "Gift For The Dementors"
TDP: Oh...my...God... That is f!cking demented...
HP: What? (He Turned Around And We Could See His Bleeding Fungus Full Non-Ear. A 7 foot long worm crawled inside.) Hee Hee. That tickles. Fredrick get out.
Fredrick: Awww shucks. Caught Again!
HP: Haha. Good ol' Freddie.
TDP: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
We Abanddoned the interview immeadietley.
Hermione looked on to page Three.
#89450802480957830578329507250724859090478329082903475: No, Im Not Kidding, They are REALLY DUMB!
#89450802480957830578329507250724859090478329082903476: They have gooey stuff on 'em.
#89450802480957830578329507250724859090478329082903477: Ever kissed one? Don't. Unless someone is giving you money.
Hermione turned a few more pages. Then A Few More. Then She was at Page 37.
Why is the sky blue and the grass green?
Because Gay People Are Dumb!
Hermione laughed herself to death. Literally. Just Kidding. Homophobic little humbahumberahumhumhummmm.
She turned 9 pages more.
#35. Crucio
#34. Stupefy
#33. Stupidio
#32. Silencio, then Stupefy
#31. Stupefy, then throw them in their room and the Lockio
#30. Throw them in the room and then Lockify (Permenent Locking)
#29. Send them To the Time-Out Chair.
Hermione skipped down to the Top Five.
#5. Ingnito, after Cutos (Cuts Your Kid's Skin Open and Light Your Kid On Fire After A Douse Of Lighter Fluid.)
#4. Ingnitio (Light Them with Lighter Fluid and Burns them.
#3. Give them a pen. Write I will obey my mother 100 times daily. Cuts into their skin, making them bleed. Fart!
#2. Use The Rope Tie Charm tieing their arms behind their back, and then put a handkerchief on their mouths!
#1. WARNING, this is a last resort, and do not use unless you are really pissed off at your kid, and you've used all of these 35 ideas. Use of this may send you to Azkaban, and or Azkaban, use Avada Kedavra.
Hermione didn't believe what she just read. Did The Daily Prophet Just give Her Permission to kill anybody?
bwahahahahaha...
Ladies and Gentlemen, let's give a round of applause to our guest, Chapter Ten.
REVIEW OR DIE!
Seriously folks.