For my Seifer/Squall claim at fated(underscore)children on LiveJournal. (Hint: there are lots of claims still to be had...) Themes used: freedom, bitter and longing.


I want him.

I've never denied that. I want him so badly that it's killing me to be this far away, to never get a chance to tell him. Even if he doesn't want me, I won't allow myself to tell him, because that would be a freedom.

I can't allow myself that. Freedom, I mean. We make our own prisons, most of the time. And when I scarred him – I was so angry, and it wasn't even his fault. I remember, now, why he shut me out. And knowing his twisted, screwed up psyche, I hate myself for throwing out that fragile balance between us.

He is Squall Leonhart, of course.

We always had to spar full focus. We couldn't do anything less. But we trusted each other, trusted that the other wouldn't be a fuck up with a vindictive streak.

Well, fuck, I shot that trust to hell all in one go. What was it? Fire spell, then slash his face open? Right.

I long to turn time backwards. Stop all of that shit happening. Stop myself from coming to this point, the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, and a cage of my own making around me. Well, Ultimecia made some of this cage, but that's beside the point. I'm the one who chooses to stay in it.

I want to touch him. I always have. I wanted to be with him. I still want, but I won't go to him. That's a freedom I don't deserve. I long to say, to hell with it, and go and tell him. I don't know if he'd say yes or no to a relationship, don't know whether he'd just give me his best icy look and walk away, but I'll never find out, either.

Some people self mutilate. Wouldn't surprise me if he did. But I don't go in for that. I go for full on self torture. Taunting myself every day with my failures, locking myself up in this cage. Squall Leonhart might be the key, but I'll never allow myself to find out.

All I deserve is this. My bitter pill, which I have to swallow, in punishment for my crimes.