NOTES: First, I'm clearly skipping over the normal heading for a chapter, because this one's too painful for me to continue to look back on. First, I should stress I don't have much medical background, so while I THINK I got my facts right, they may not be. Second, forgive any errors in this chapter. While it was run through betas, it didn't have the second and third version edits I usually do, simply because this chapter's not supposed to feel polished. It's supposed to feel raw.
DISCLAIMER: I'm not a doctor. I don't own Joan of Arcadia or any other brand kind of thing mentioned. Don't sue me.
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Luke reverently ran a finger along the edge of the photo, gazing at the tiny face of the little daughter he'd never known existed. "Mac was right," he murmured, smiling as he looked at the photo. "She's so beautiful. What's her name?"
Grace smiled, picking another piece of paper up off the bed. "Keona Marie."
"Keona?"
Grace nodded. "A woman I met at a clinic. She... Keona probably wouldn't have been born if it wasn't for her."
Luke finally tore his gaze from the photo of his daughter, turning startled eyes on Grace. "You would've... gotten rid of her?"
Grace sighed. "It's complicated."
"Where is she? Why didn't I know about her?"
Grace shifted uncomfortably, her eyes filled with pain. "I guess that depends on your outlook. I like to think she's happy somewhere."
Luke visibly paled and glanced down at the picture. "Is she...? I mean, she looks a bit sick here, but was she..."
Grace nodded slowly. "She lived for two months. She was a real fighter."
Luke smiled. "Like her mother," he murmured, his voice slightly choked up.
Grace shook her head. "She was a lot stronger than I'll ever be."
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Joan drummed her fingers anxiously against Colin's nightstand as she listened to Gregory's cell phone ring for the eighth time. Pick up, pick up.
There was a hitch in the line and a groggy voice greeted "Hello?"
Joan frowned, not recognizing the voice. "Uh, is Gregory there?"
"He's in the shower. Can I take a message?"
"I guess so. I'm Joan, Gregory's girlfriend. Would you mind telling him I called?"
"Nope."
The woman sounded so bored. Joan sighed. "May I ask who I'm talking to?"
A pause. "My name's Anna. I'm a... friend of Gregory's."
Joan glanced over at Colin, who was snoring away on the bed. There was something odd about the way Anna had said friend, and it made Joan suspicious. "Okay. Have a nice night, Anna."
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Grace took the picture back from Luke and tucked it back in the envelope, wiping a tear from her cheek. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she patted the spot next to her, gesturing for Luke to join her.
"What did she have?" he asked softly as he sat down next to her. "Why didn't you call me? I could've helped."
Grace sighed. "She had a full Trisomy on her 18th Chromosome. It's called-"
"Edwards Syndrome."
"Yeah," Grace nodded. "Most babies don't make it full term. Keona did."
"How'd you- when'd you?" Luke sighed. "Is this why you left? Did you know?"
Grace shook her head. "I suspected I was pregnant, but I had no idea... I just wanted a few days to myself to think about things. I didn't think I wanted another kid at that point."
Luke looked hurt. "So you went to have an abortion without even letting me know? Grace, I'm- I was- your husband. I had a right- I could've helped."
"Not at that point. I stayed in a hotel in Los Angeles the first night, took six pregnancy tests. They all came back positive. I wasn't ready to tell you, so I kind of wandered around. I ended up back in Arcadia and went to see a doctor."
"If I'd known..."
"I know. Anyway, the doctor confirmed I was pregnant- eight weeks, apparently. Anyway, I just felt... weird, like something was off, so I stayed around. Two weeks later, I had a blood test done. I got a call within a few days that there were some abnormal results on the triple screen test. So he scheduled an amniocentesis for a few days later. God, I was so scared before that. There was a slight risk of miscarriage, and I was almost worried something wouldn't be wrong and I would've put my baby in danger for no reason."
"Oh, Grace..."
"Don't. I know. Anyway, I did that though, and I found out that the odds for Trisomy 18 were 1:11, so the doctor advised me to have a CVS done. It was early May then, and I wanted to tell you, so I had my doctor get in touch with a doctor in LA. So I got on a plane, went to LA, had a chorion villous biopsy, and drove to our house. I figured no matter what happened, I'd have you and Zara, and I wouldn't have to miss Zara's birthday."
"Oh my God. I just- I didn't know- I was so mad."
Grace sighed. "It's not your fault. I should've realized that I couldn't just step back into my old life after more than a month. Besides, it wouldn't have been fair to lay that on you, with all the work you had to do and taking off and-"
"God, Grace. If I'd known- I'm sorry."
Grace smiled. "It was all worth it though. I mean, it was hard, but I wouldn't trade a single day. Anyway, I heard back that the baby did have Edwards Syndrome, and that it was 'incompatible with life.' God, I hate that phrase. I kind of wonder if I was just looking for an excuse, though. I went back to Arcadia figuring I'd just make peace with my parents and move back in with them. I went to a clinic, signed the paper work, prepared myself for the abortion."
"Keona?"
"A protestor outside the building. I realized I'd left my health insurance card in my coat pocket, and I'd left my coat in the car, so I went out to get it. The protestors kind of enveloped me, thinking I'd decided not to go through with the abortion. I was trying to explain and then Keona said to me 'Did you know that it's estimated almost thirty percent of all babies aborted due to 'health reasons' have a fairly decent shot of surviving the birth?' So I was standing next to this girl I would've been protesting alongside a few years earlier, and she's telling me it's not as hopeless as it sounds. We ended up going out for lunch and talking all day."
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He'd woken up before to a dull ache in the back of his head and nausea balled up in the pit of his stomach, but never before did he feel like his head was swimming, that the balance mechanisms in his ears had all failed at the same time, or that his stomach was carrying out all life processes at once.
Colin groaned and rolled over onto his side to find Joan sitting on his bed, looking down at him.
"How are you feeling?" she asked with a snicker. "Have a little too much to drink?"
"Not. Funny," he moaned, glancing past her at the alarm clock. "Got to get up."
"I'd like to see that happen," Joan said as she shifted on the bed.
The sudden movement made Colin more nauseous, and he jumped up and stumbled toward the bathroom.
Over his retching, he thought he could hear Joan's laughter, and for a moment, he hated her for it.
Then she was at his side, kneeling next to him as he leaned over the porcelain toilet bowl, running a hand down his back like she was from a freaking sorority, whispering calming words in a soothing tone.
He turned his head slightly to look at her. "Since when are you Susie Homemaker?" he whispered, frowning.
Joan rolled her eyes, standing back up. "Remind me not to help a friend ever again. Come on, get up, brush your teeth."
"We're friends?" Colin asked, trying to smile but finding himself too weak to do so.
Joan raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "I guess so."
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Luke sat on the edge of Grace's bed, leg muscles tensed and ready to flee. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to be reacting to this. There was the part of him who felt badly that Grace had gone through everything alone, that she'd had no one to turn to. But there was also the side of him, the darker side, hidden much deeper within him, that was pissed. The fact that he and Grace had shared another daughter, the fact that Grace hadn't told him, the fact that she'd kept it a secret for those few months he could've known her- it suddenly hit him.
For everything that he and Grace had been through together and apart, this was the first thing he would never be able to forgive her for. This was the issue he wouldn't be able to let go of on his deathbed.
He glanced over at Grace, who was rapidly blinking, trying to prevent her tears from falling. Luke sighed. "How do I tell Zara?"
Grace looked up, alarmed. "You don't. At least not yet."
So now she was going to tell him how he could raise his daughter? "I think she deserves to know, Grace."
Grace was quiet for a moment, her eyes silently pleading with him.
He didn't do so much as blink.
Grace sighed, resigned. "Okay."
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It was nearly an hour later when Colin felt well enough to get himself dressed and return to the room. Now, spread across the right side of the queen-sized bed with Joan on his side, Colin cleared his throat.
"You're moody."
Joan glanced over at him and raised an eyebrow. "I spent the last hour cleaning up your vomit. I deserve to be."
"I think it's something more than that," Colin pushed, his voice light and almost sing-songy.
Joan pursed her lips and stared at him for a minute before pushing herself up with a groan. "I called Gregory while you were asleep."
"Trouble in paradise?" Colin asked, plenty aware Joan wanted to smack the grin off his face.
Joan glared. "No. At least, I don't think so."
"You don't sound all that sure."
Rolling her eyes, Joan muttered, "I'm not. Some girl- Anna- answered his phone."
"So? It's- well, what time is it here? It's that minus three there."
Joan snickered despite herself, glancing over at the clock. "So?"
"It's not exactly the middle of the night or early morning. Does he have any sisters?"
Joan frowned. "A foster sister, but it wasn't her. I've met her."
Colin whistled, letting his head fall back against the headboard. "So what are you thinking? Does Gregory have a wife and kids he's kept secret from you?"
"Don't even joke like that," Joan moaned, dropping her head into her hands. "It's not funny."
"Actually, it kind of is," Colin shrugged. "Joan Girardi, the homewrecker. Has a nice ring to it, does it not?"
Colin was greeted by a pillow to his face.
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