I have a question for anyone willing to listen… is it possible for your world to come crashing down more than once and so close together? If it was it couldn't be healthy could it?
How was it possible that my sense of belonging, my sense of home was going to be snatched away by something you couldn't even see?
What do you say to a person who just told you they were dying? Good for you? How awful? I'm at a roadblock; no one has ever done this to me before. I just sat there and stared my mind completely blank for the first time in my life, blank.
The silence was deadly; I had to say something but what? Her eyes already filling up with tears I did what I could, I took her in my arms and just held her. Smoothing her hair as she cried into my shirt.
It felt like someone had punched me in the gut, groin and head all at the same time. For the first time in a long time I began to cry maybe it was because all the time we had lost while we apart or the for the reason that we didn't have much more time to be together or it could have been the fact that I would loose half of my self once she left. I didn't want to be away from her but the nurse came in a few minutes later and said I had to leave even if I was a police officer she need her rest. She did look awfully tired and I was exhausted myself. I allowed her to arrange herself into a comfortable position. I kiss her on the forehead, something ma did to me and Mikey when we were little, and smiled. I don't know why I smiled it just seemed like the best thing to do at the moment. I turn to leave when I hear the same whispery voice telling me to stay until she fell asleep. I moved back to the bed and took her hand in mine. It wasn't as cold as before but still ice cold. " I love you, you know that Ritza?" I asked her just had to say I didn't know if this would be the last time I would see her again. "I know" she said as she fell asleep. I didn't like hospitals not after what I went through here with ma and myself; the walls were starting to close around me I need air. I left the information with the nurse that if anything changed to call me on my cell; I almost couldn't breath but I made it outside ok I gulped in air I couldn't get enough. I got into my car and flipped on the radio. Her station was on, I usually let no one touch my car or even look on it but she just flat out and changed it the second time she was in there and she continued to change it back until I finally gave up and left it. Commercials were playing, why cant any good songs be on? Figures just when I need to focus on something else the world wants me to focus on the problem. I felt so helpless what could I do?
Nothing.
