Its funny how a person can leave their essence after they've left with a simple causal thing like to leave a pen on top of the notepad they were writing on or a glass in the sink but what I loved was how her scent remained on the sheets hours after she had left. I held the pillow close just breathing in her essence it brought a calmness to me I hadn't felt in a while. I put the pillow down in fear that if I mangled it too much that her smell would be gone forever. There was a little chance that she would ever recover from this the doctors said it was advanced enough that they were very little hope that treatment would work.

I did something I hadn't done in years after I left her; I went to pray. I had long lost my faith in anything but she had brought me back to it. I was only going to go because she begged me to go. It was a cute picture her begging me when I'd never seen her do it. I humoured her and had been going with her ever Sunday for the last two months something inside me felt as if it was okay to be happy to be alive and ok to feel sorry for my self once and a while. That it was ok to love and laugh and cry all in the time it took for me to think this, She made my life worth living and all that was going to be taken away from a disease you cant even see to the normal eye. It made me wondering what kind of higher power would do this? A cruel one.

I opened the church door and walked in it looked the same as it did last Sunday minus the people cramming into the pews. It was amazing how many this church could fill. Only a woman sitting about the third pew was in there I didn't know if that was good or bad.

It was good because I wanted to be alone but in a way I needed someone to talk to. For over thirteen years I had been able to go Faith for anything I needed or sometimes just to talk but that was over not after she accused me of cheating. I didn't cheat I had help I shot the target myself and passed the re-qualification test myself. Ritza only coached me nothing more. That's how we got back together actually. I took her out to celebrate that I hit the most of the target, one thing led to another and while the rest is history. And so was Ritza.

Who would remember her month's even years after she dies? Maybe the jag offs that she put in jail but no one else would know. No one else in the city of New York would remember her because they didn't know her or that she existed. That sickened me. How could a person do so much good, while she couldn't exactly be labeled a Saint, but she was trying to the balance the bad with the good. She was like a crusader not wanting to stop until there was no evil in the world.

I couldn't be here any more I had to get out. How can their be a higher power be so good when their was so much bad stuff in this world and most of all how could he be taking Ritza away from me? It had started to rain while I was in there and I was drenched within seconds. The only way I noticed the rain was as I stepped in to the warm apartment it hit me and chilled me to the bone.

And as I lay here recalling all the things that have happened today I just want to be close to her I grab the pillow again breathing in her scent; a scent I would never forget no matter how long I lived.

It's also how one song could fit you or your situation perfectly but it could mean something totally different. Why is it that the annoying stuff always stayed in your head the longest it seems the harder you try to block it out the more you remember.

Lying here in your bed

The one that you like to do it in

Pieces of long brown hair

Are all over it and still in my brain

I can't explain what it likes

Why do I keep call it a problem? What other word can be used? Predicament? No too long to say. Problem there is no other way to describe it. My mind was too wound up for sleep I thought about everything all at once. You ever get that feeling like you needs to sort out through something's but they are all equally important so all of them jump at you? I didn't suffer from them much but it hit me full force.

The silence has become my friend; that's all I hear now.