We sat in a small room, which was called an office. I suppose it would have been bigger if the doctor hadn't tried to see how much stuff he could fit into it. The only empty space was the wall in which the doctor sat and even that was covered in degrees, awards and pictures, from what I gather was the patients he helped cure. The doctor really doesn't cure the patient it's the drugs that they give you, which does the work for him.
Her hands were warm today as I felt the pressure of hers intertwined with mine. She looks better today to her hair shiny again and her eyes were no longer red and swollen.
"Since the transplant didn't work" Praying and good thoughts wouldn't work now. She needed a miracle.
The doctor's mouth moved up and down but I could hear what came out of it. Why couldn't I concrete? No matter how hard I tried I could hear what he was saying.
I look back at her and see her lick her lips and nod ever so often. I could have sworn I could see the motors turning as she sat there absorbing everything the doctor said. Her hand got tighter around mine as if channeling to me and only me how scared of this she really was.
"I'll leave you too alone to discuss the options" He gets up rather smugly and heads for the door. He actually ran into the plant that was by the door. Which almost made me laugh out loud but I didn't think this was the right time to laugh so I held it in.
"I don't want it," She said the moment he had closed the door. What is she talking about? What doesn't she want?
"What don't you want?" I never noticed how small her hands actually were compared to mine. Focus.
"The chemo I don't want it" What! How could she say such a thing? Her hand leaves mine and I notice that she gets up to wall behind his desk and is looking at the pictures. Last time I walked away without a fight but this time was different
"Would you stop thinking of your self for a minute?"
"That's all I've been doing. People would be better off if I died," She was thinking about everyone but me.
"What about me? What do you think I will go through?" I don't care if I was being selfish I wanted an answer. She takes a picture off the wall from what I saw it was two little children and their mother in the middle of them in a hospital gown.
She was missing out on love, having children and growing old. Who would want to give something like that up?
"Think about what your missing out on""What miss out on pain, heartache? No thanks pass" She was back to her old self pushing everything and one away.
She flung the picture at me and it would have hit me in the head if I hadn't have caught it. She had her arms wrapped around herself she was crying again.
I look at the picture that was flung at me the two children looked almost identical to the woman, I glance from Ritza back to the picture. It was her, Lettie and their mother.
"Is this?" I couldn't finish the thought and yet I already knew the answer"Ya that was mother. It was taken the first time she went into remission" I study the picture some more all three were really quite beautiful all in their own way.
"I thought your mother was dead"
"She is, she died about six months after that was taken" I didn't know that.
"Can you understand why I don't want treatment? I saw what she went through and I don't want to go there again" The truth was I could understand. But I didn't want to.
Even across the room our eyes held each other, I saw something in them I thought I would never see not in her. Fear I don't think she wanted to die but she didn't want to go through what her mother did.
"Please just accept my decision I don't want to argue with you. Not now" This was a new side to her I had never seen before it was kinda nice. As she walked around the desk I know what she needed.
"I accept your decision" As I took her in my arms.
I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I bought a camera later on that day and carried it with me where ever I went so that I could at least have them when she died. I also began to write to her just what I was feeling and what not. I found I could tell her things that I normally couldn't say out loud. She wrote back too. We never discussed what was in the letters; it was our little secret. She asked me to marry her in one of her letters so that she could at least experience love.
We were married by a justice of the peace's office with Ma as our witness. She had on a white dress, that clung to her, her hair piled loosely on top of her head and she carried a lone peach rose. The lights above us making her look like an angel. Her hands even trembled as she put my ring on my finger and I laughed causing her to smile. Since I couldn't take the pictures I heard a photographer to take as many pictures as possible no matter the cost.
We had about two months after our wedding day before signs started show and she got weaker and weaker you could tell in her letters as they became shorter and shorter. I told her I loved her every chance I got not knowing when the last time I would see her alive. She always laughed at me when I told her and she told me she loved me too. I became trigger-happy and must have taken at least a hundred a day. Most of her but some we were together both smile and yet both hiding the pain. No one knew about her disease we keep it a secret. She just took a leave of absence and I did too, I didn't want her to die alone and although she refused help I know she needed it. We had to tell Lieu and he almost broke down in tears when we told him. He told me to take as much time as I needed and I knew what he meant. For after her death too. With him saying it, reality set in even more it was only a matter of time and I wasn't prepared I don't think I ever was.
She died on May 22 a nice bright day; she had laid down for a nap and never woke up. I am thankful for getting one last picture in before she died just as she had fallen asleep. I even told her I loved her. I cant help but wonder if she knew she wouldn't be waking up from this nap because she had said "I love you too Maurice" and she never called me Maurice always Bos or Bosco. I had lost my best friend, my lover, my soul mate being hit by a train would have hurt less.
You were buried on a Friday; it was a nice day outside. Nice and sunny and a slight breeze to take the heat away. Everyone from the 55 was there and some I didn't know. When it came time for everyone to put the roses on I let everyone else go. Soon all you could see was red all over the golden brown. Now it's my turn I stand up and slowly make my way over to your coffin. I carry the rose in my hand. I kiss the rose as I gently place my rose on top of the others it stands out from the rest because I had placed a peach rose instead of red. With one final salute you were lowered into the ground.
Everyone was going out to Haggerty's for drinks, some to celebrate that you were dead, and others to drown grief and the rest just because everyone else was. I wanted to be alone with you or at least the pictures of you and us together.
I walk into our home we once shared its lonely and empty now without you here. I still wait for you to come out of the bedroom and greet me with a kiss but I know you wont. You are no longer with me. You were always smiling into the camera and I sometimes did too, we looked so happy but you could tell both of us were hiding our pain.
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way
You pillow has long lost it shape but it will be imprinted into my brain forever. I never expected this to be so hard. I slip into our bed and cry, crying because I will never see you again and cry for those who don't know you to cry.
I have never felt so alone. Why did you have die? And leave me here alone.
I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss
