TITLE: The Hardest Thing to Do

By Jemmiah

Samla waited until Obi-Wan had closed the door of Jemmy's bedroom before releasing her firm grip of Jake's waist, moving a few steps towards the stairs. The noise from upstairs had diminished in intensity; unbroken sobbing replacing the terrible, hysterical screaming of minutes before but the sound was no less heartbreaking to Samla for all that. She had a fair idea of what CorSec had told her friend in terms of the end result, if not the detail. Despite her earlier attempt at cheerful optimism it had been difficult to believe the outcome would be positive.

Slowly descending the large, elegant staircase the two CorSec officers, one little more than a youth and the other a harder, older female exchanged dubious glances with one another. The young man, as fluffy-cheeked and innocent in appearance as the day he was born seemed particularly ill at ease and Samla found herself in the almost unique position of sparing pity for one of CorSec's workforce. So used to being on the opposing side was she that it was inherently difficult to forget they were no longer the enemy…

"What happened?" Samla asked bluntly as the female officer finally reached the bottom of the stairs. "I'm assuming the news wasn't good?"

The woman grimaced sympathetically. "It's never a good day when you have to deliver such unhappy news. But if it's bad for the likes of us it must be almost incomprehensible to the parents…" She half-turned her head in the direction of Jemmy's room from whence the sobbing could clearly be heard, with no sign of abating. "In instances like this we wouldn't normally leave the individual alone in such distress, but the Jedi Knight suggested that we leave her in his charge." The fish-like pout twisted into an expression that suggested bewilderment. "Never argue with a Jedi, that's my motto."

"And what about Han?" Jake asked, moving to take his position by his wife's side once again.

The female officer sighed. "They've found no trace of him. Without an idea of where the initial attack occurred there's no way of finding the place where he vanished. Short of searching the entire planet there's not very much else that can be done. We've looked at all the places that his mother thinks she might have been that day. We did have a few people who remember seeing someone of her description with a little boy in the vicinity of the spaceport on Coronet, but nothing definite. There's been no sighting of him since. A two-year-old boy on the streets would tend to be noticed, even in the less desirable areas of town. And," she added hesitantly, "the fact that she remembers a shot being fired in the boy's direction has frankly led us to believe that her attacker simply…disintegrated him."

"Simply disintegrated him?" Samla spat back, outraged at the casual manner in which the officer had offered her opinion. "We're talking about a little boy, not some disposable toy! This is somebody's child!"

"You told her that you thought Han had been disintegrated?" Jake echoed, feeling sick to the stomach. "No wonder that went down well!"

"I merely reported what I had been told to say." The officer eyed Jake coolly, although not without sympathy. "That in all likelihood the child was dead. And even if he hadn't been killed at the time, it's been over a week since the attack. It's unlikely he'd survive long on the streets on his own without anyone to take care of him."

"He could still be alive!" Samla insisted, trying to block out the noise of Jemmiah's weeping from upstairs. Whatever Obi-Wan was saying, if he was saying anything, it evidently wasn't working. "You have to keep searching!"

The woman shook her head slightly, feeling almost embarrassed. "CorSec can't spend any more time or resources on this matter when it's an almost certainty the child has been murdered. The considered opinion is that Han Suul has been killed, most likely disposed of in a manner that will leave no evidence behind. The attack on his mother and those against her late husband and his friend are still being investigated, but…" She spread her hands apart in a gesture that indicated finality. "I'm afraid the case on the boy has been closed as of today."

Samla's mouth dropped wide open as if in desperate search of something coherent to say, but no words were forthcoming. She couldn't believe it! She just could not believe the almost flippant way in which the missing person case had been upgraded to murder just so that the investigation could be rounded off. What about Jemmy, crying her heart out inconsolably now she'd been told the worst? What about little Han? What if he was still alive, somewhere out there? On his own…scared and hungry…missing his mother? Instantly she pictured one of her own children in the same position and found herself every bit as grief-stricken as Jemmy. Why would nobody do something? Was this CorSec's idea of bringing closure?

"I've never heard such a din before." The young man mumbled uncomfortably, chafing under his starched uniform collar. "Is that normal? Why is she making such a noise?"

This time it was Jake who answered on his wife's behalf.

"There speaks the voice of a man who has no children of his own." He remarked grimly. "And if I might add, with an attitude like that is never likely to, either."


He held her wordlessly, allowing her the peace and quiet needed to mourn: her sobbing reverberating through both her own body and his. He'd hoped - somewhat desperately he had to admit - that as in days gone by his very presence might be of some reassurance, but there was little that would bring Jemmy any ease now CorSec had told her the worst. And yet…

Obi-Wan closed his eyes, trying to fight through the overwhelming sense of Jemmiah's grief, the confusion, the certainty in the minds of those who had given up the struggle to find the truth, reaching forward with the force. There was more happening here than at first met the eye…something hidden. Something being hidden.

Or someone being hidden from his attempts to find them.

Slam!

It was as if a wall had come crashing down against his mind. Momentarily reeling, Obi-Wan blinked rapidly in surprise. He wasn't sure what exactly his mind had touched, but it had felt like a barrier: an invisible shield protecting his quarry. It had shut him out…no, was continuing to shut him out. Every time he tried to get near the truth it seemed to slip further from his grasp.

Slam!

It was no good. Except that now he felt quietly convinced of one thing.

"Jemmy," he said softly, trying to pry her durasteel-like grip from his arm, "Look at me." When she didn't respond to his urging he gently took hold of her chin, tilting it upwards so that she would have no choice but to look him in the eye. "I need you to listen to me. This is important."

Her eyes were red and puffy, disfigured by the tears she so rarely allowed herself to shed. It was as piteous site indeed; Obi-Wan thought sorrowfully, especially to one such as himself who had to an extent become hardened to the cruelty and misfortune prevalent within the galaxy. He'd witnessed poverty, starvation, injury, slavery, insanity and every kind of perverted sickness that existed during his travels with Qui-Gon and then Anakin, yet there was something in the sight of a mother weeping for her lost child that stirred the utmost pity in Obi-Wan. And this wasn't just anybody; this was Jemmy…

"I don't believe," he said slowly, picking his words with deliberate care, "that Han is dead."

He wasn't sure if she'd heard him at first, or even if she had that she had understood what he was saying. One moment CorSec were telling her that Han was gone and here he was confusing matters by saying the opposite - and to what good purpose he couldn't say. Even if he was alive, what then? What good would it do if the child could not be restored to her? With CorSec refusing to search and his own time on Corellia limited to a few stolen days who would be left to champion Han's cause? Oh, Samla and Jake would make what enquiries they could. No doubt Jemmy's Mathers cousins would throw their money around in an attempt to buy information, but he remained certain that it would achieve little.

"Don't say that." Jemmy shook her head violently as if trying to rid herself of some distasteful notion. "Don't get my hopes up only to dash them. It would be cruel. I couldn't bear it."

The tears started once more and Obi-Wan took her hand in his own, squeezing the fingers tightly within his own grasp.

"Dear friend," he said warmly, "I don't say anything to be cruel. I say a thing because I believe it could be true. I can't tell you for certain whether Han is alive or not. The force will not reveal it to me. But I do feel that there is a very real chance that he lives - and that he is being looked after in some way." Obi-Wan paused, recollecting the strange, shocked feeling he'd encountered when he'd tried to reach out to discover the truth. He was aware that Jemmy was staring at him intently, hanging onto his every word as if it were her only hope of salvation. "As to where he might be or who he may be with, I cannot say. Nor can I say for certain that he will be found."

He'd built up her hopes only to crush them, and he'd been a fool to even try. She would have been better off believing him dead than being left with the idea that he was somehow alive, never to set eyes upon him again. Obi-Wan silently cursed himself a thousand times: he might as well have taken a knife to her for all the good he had done. But even when accused by others as being liberal with the truth he felt on this occasion Jemmiah needed to know exactly where she stood.

"I have to get him back." She began to weep once again, wiping away freely flowing tears with the back of her hand. "You have to help me find him…I can't leave him out there if he's still alive. He's only little…nobody wants to help me. I can't do it all on my own." Her fingers began to clutch convulsively at the blue bedcovers, twisting them beneath her grasp. "It's just too much…if I can't find out the truth I don't want to go on. I can't go on…I haven't the strength."

"You must." Obi-Wan commanded quietly. "Even although you don't want to. You have to carry on. Right now breathing probably feels difficult, let alone thinking of tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that…but you have to face it. Giving up is easy."

"What reason do I have to carry on?" Jemmy's eyes shone through thick lashes gummed together with moisture. She rubbed continually at her face with bunched fingers, and as she did so a fresh cascade of tears would fall anew. There were no words to convey to Obi-Wan how she felt. It was far worse than anything she had ever felt before…worse than the loss of her mother, or Evla, or even Qui-Gon who had at least all experience life to the full before they'd been taken from her. Han was a child. A child who had never been given a chance to grow up and be happy and do all the wonderful things Jemmy had wished for him.

She'd not even wanted him to start with! As she sat there, wondering if the gods had punished her for her initial rejection, Jemmy could feel nothing but shame for the way she had reacted on first being presented with her son. He had been a gift. She hadn't seen it at the time, and now that he was gone she could see it all too plainly.

"You'll carry on because you have to." Obi-Wan replied simply. "Because you always have, no matter what has happened. Because you are the strongest being I have ever known in my life. And because," he looked her intently in the face, "I command it."

Jemmiah felt the next sob catch in her throat…then finally subside.

"Are you using a mind-trick on me?" She warned him, wiping futilely at her reddened nose.

"I wouldn't dream of it. But I command it all the same. Jemmy," Obi-Wan allowed a rare moment of sentiment to break through his accomplished Jedi mask, blinking back a tear of his own, "You have to keep focussed on the fact that one day, no matter how long it may take, that your son may come back to you. Don't you want to be there to see that? Do you want him to be left without a mother?"

"They said he was dead!" Jemmy almost crumpled over, hugging herself for comfort. "They told me he'd been disintegrated and that they couldn't find so much as a shoe! I can't even bury him, or add his name to the mausoleum on Coruscant along with my parents! It's as if he never existed and nobody cares except for me!" Her words ended in an outraged shriek. "Am I supposed to search every street and alleyway on Corellia? I'm just one person, Ben! And I'm a person who is rapidly losing their mind!"

"You'll be strong because you always find something more in a crisis." Obi-Wan continued patiently. "And because you have friends who will support you, and help you. Han will turn up, one day. I do not think he is dead."

"You can't promise me that, can you?" Jemmy's reply was angst-ridden.

Obi-Wan shook his head, sighing. "No." He said finally. "No I can't promise you that. But I'm sure our paths will cross again sometime…"

"I want him back now!" Jemmy snapped. "Do you know what it's like for a child on the streets? Do you have any idea what it's like to be at the mercy of sick-minded individuals? Or the kind of things a kid will do just in order to stay alive? Do you? Can you even begin to imagine? Because," she thumbed at her chest, "I can! That WAS my life. I would die a thousand times to spare my son from that…and now I either have to think I've lost him for good or that some weirdo has taken him away. How can you sit there and be so calm? How DARE you be so kriffing calm!" She thumped at him violently on the arm, wanting to thrash some sign of emotion from him. "This is my son…" Her words faltered as the realisation finally sunk in at last. "…And he's not coming back. I've lost him."

Obi-Wan gathered her up against him again, placing his arm over her shoulder. Qui-Gon would have handled this so much better than he, but instead the role of comforter had fallen to him. And what would Qui-Gon have said to her? What words of consolation would his master have offered amidst such dark times? He pictured the Jedi in his mind and tried, for just that moment, to become the man he had respected and held above all others in the galaxy.

"Jemmiah," he said finally, "there's always hope. And as long as there is hope you have to face tomorrow. Even if it is the hardest thing to do."

He glanced around the room, feeling the weight of her head against his chest and the itchy warmth of her salt tears against his skin. For the first time since he had dismissed the CorSec officers it struck him that he was in a child's bedroom, looking at a child's collection of stuffed toys and perched precariously upon a child's bed.

A bed that was from that night on destined to remain empty.