Part Thirty

Everyone at the dining room table looks up at Sydney.

"Yeah, sure, okay," Kerri says, looking a bit startled. She tosses her napkin down onto the table and stands.

"Is Emily okay, Syd?" Michael asks, brow furrowed in concern.

"She's--" Sydney shakes her head. "She's asleep. We'll talk about it later."

Michael looks at her, a question in his eyes. Sydney just shakes her head and leads Kerri to the kitchen.

"Kerri," she says once they're alone, her voice low. "Nick told Emily that his dad left because he didn't want to live with his family anymore, and that the only reason Michael hasn't left us yet is because dads don't leave babies, and that as soon as Grace and Sam are older, he'll be gone."

Kerri's hand flies to her mouth in shock. "Oh, Sydney, that's awful. Emily must have been really upset."

"She was," Sydney says, biting her lower lip. "I've never seen her cry so hard."

"Oh, I'm sorry. He shouldn't have said that," Kerri says, shaking her head. "I'll have a talk with him later."

"Good." Sydney feels tears come to her own eyes; she'd done her best to be strong for Emily, but seeing her little girl so shaken up had really taken a toll on her. "Because I really hated to see her like that--"

"I know--"

"--and I'm just afraid of how it's going to be now," Sydney confesses. "Will she cling to Michael every time he leaves the house? Will she freak out every time Grace or Sam has a birthday because she thinks this is the year her daddy will think it's okay to leave?"

"Didn't you talk to her about it?" Kerri asks.

"Of course I did, and she seems calmer now, but--" Sydney takes a deep breath. "I just feel awful. Everyone's always so nice to Emily, no one's ever told her anything like that before, of course she believed Nick when he said it. And of course it had never occurred to her that her daddy might leave, she-- what?" she asks, finally noticing the way Kerri is looking at her.

"Do you even realize how you sound?" Kerri asks unbelievingly. "Going on and on about the psychological damage your little princess might have suffered because someone told her her dad was going to leave."

Sydney bristles. "You didn't see the way she was crying, Kerri."

"Yeah, well, if this is the worst thing that has ever happened to her, feel lucky, Sydney," Kerri says, folding her arms in front of her. "My youngest son is three months younger than Emily, and his daddy has been gone for almost a year. So when he cries until he's out of breath, it's because his daddy actually left, not because some big mean kid told him that his dad was going to."

"I-- I know your boys have been through a lot, Kerri," Sydney says, struggling to say calm. "And I've never known Nick to be cruel. So if he said something like that, it's either because he's so angry he's taking it out on anyone he can, or because he honestly believes that all fathers leave, and either way, I think you need to talk to him."

Kerri sinks down into a kitchen chair, biting her lower lip. "He's so angry," she whispers. "He hates Eric. He pitied me, but now that I'm marrying Ben, he pretty much hates me, too."

"Fran said the boys like Ben," Sydney says with a frown.

"Alex and Matt do. Nick thought he was okay, too, at first, but when I told them we were getting married, Alex asked if that meant Ben was going to be his new daddy, and Nick got pissed."

"Well, this all has happened really fast," Sydney says softly, sitting down next to her friend. "I mean, one minute you're still upset about the divorce, the next you're with someone new."

"You think the engagement is a mistake?" Kerri asks tearfully.

"Not necessarily," Sydney says gently. "But maybe you should make it a long engagement, give the boys time to get used to the idea, make sure it's what you really want."

"I love Ben, Sydney," Kerri says, her voice firm. "I've loved him for a lot of years."

"Then-- I'm really glad you've found him again." Sydney is telling the truth--if Kerri really does love Ben, then she's happy for her. "I just don't want you to rush into anything. Fran mentioned that you were thinking about taking a vacation, taking some time for yourself. Maybe you should do that."

"Maybe," Kerri agrees. "Actually, I was kind of thinking about taking the boys and spending some time at my parents' house in Santa Barbara. It's close enough that Ben could visit, but he wouldn't be there all the time-- I think it would be good. Eric could visit, too, or the boys could come here and visit him."

"That sounds really great." Sydney is surprised that her friend has thought this through. Maybe she hasn't been giving Kerri enough credit. She is hurt, and angry, yes. She has rushed into a relationship with Ben, and a little part of her hopes that Eric is jealous, yes. But though she's done some foolish things in her anger, she is not foolish enough to rush into a marriage with Ben without a second thought to herself and the children, and Sydney is proud of her for it.

"I really hate taking advice from you, you know," Kerri blurts out.

Sydney looks at her in surprise. "What? Why?"

Kerri shrugs, looking a little embarrassed. "I don't know," she says uncomfortably. "You were kind of like my little sister, you know? I did everything first-- got married, had babies. Mike and Eric had been working at the firm for awhile before you came around, we hung out at their parties, I gave you advice on-- everything. On your kids, on what to serve when you had the Kendalls over for dinner. And now you've, like, perfected this lifestyle that you've been living for a lot less years than I did, I can't even remember the last time you asked me for advice, and my life's a mess."

Sydney offers her friend a half-smile. "I don't know what I would have done without you the first few years I was with Michael," she says, taking her friend's hand and squeezing it. "But, Ker, just because I don't call you every five minutes for advice now doesn't mean I don't still really value your friendship."

"I'm not sure if that's true," Kerri says, her voice low. "We barely talked for months after the divorce, Syd. You have Michael, the kids, a whole new life in New York. You miss me, but you miss the Kerri who would drop by with the boys and ask if you wanted to go to the park, the Kerri who took trips to the beach with you and your husband and your husband's best friend. I don't think you care much for the Kerri who calls and invites you to dinner with her new boyfriend."

"I don't know that Kerri," Sydney says honestly. "But I want to get to know her."

"I don't think you do," Kerri responds. "I think you dreaded coming here, and I think you can't wait to leave."

Sydney lowers her eyes. "Can you blame me, Ker? I spend the evening dodging your catty comments about how I was all over Michael the night we met, which, by the way, wasn't even true--"

"It was so!" Kerri yelps. "You may not have been making out at the dinner table, or anything, but you were giving him eyes like you wanted to take him home and do ungodly things to him."

"But I didn't!"

"Not that night," Kerri snorts. "You waited, what, four days?"

"It was six, and shut up," Sydney says hotly. "And anyway, at least I didn't wander around his apartment the next morning wearing a t-shirt that said, Shuck me, suck me, eat me raw."

Kerri's face registers shock, then anger. Then she bursts out laughing. "I forgot all about that shirt," she says. "I still have it, you know. We almost had to bring in the lawyers to decide on custody of it, but I still have that damned shirt."

"Oh, yeah?" Sydney is laughing, too. "Do you wear it in front of Ben?"

"No!" The two women crack up laughing again.

"So, what?" Sydney asks after the laughter dies down. "Are we friends, or what?"

"Of course," Kerri says with a smile. "I still resent the hell out of you, of course. For about a million reasons. But try not to take my bitchy comments to heart."

Sydney's smile fades. "I really do hope you're happy, Kerri."

"Please, Syd," Kerri says, standing and shaking her head. "I know you mean well, but I can't take your pity and your wishes that someday I'll be as happy as you."

"Ker-- then I don't know if we're really friends," Sydney says. "How can I be friends with someone who's jealous of me instead of happy for me--"

"Hold the hell on," Kerri interrupts, eyes flashing. "I never, ever used the word jealous."

"Who resents me. Excuse me," Sydney snaps. She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and then opening them again. "I'm going to go," she says. "I'm going to collect my husband and my children, and I'm going to go. You mistake my concern for pity, you won't talk to me about your problems because you can't stand the thought of me feeling sorry for you, you resent me for things I'm not about to apologize for or make excuses for, so-- I'm going to go. If we can only enjoy each other's company when things are perfect in both of our lives, Kerri, then we're not friends."

"Maybe not," Kerri agrees, then pauses. "I don't think I'm ready to lose touch with you, though."

Sydney pauses. The truth is, she isn't ready to not have Kerri be in her life, either. "I'll send you a birth announcement when Sam or Maggie is born," Sydney suggests. "And an invitation to the party we throw for him or her."

"Please don't patronize me with an invitation," Kerri shakes her head. "I know you won't want me there. You'll be afraid I'll cause a scene."

Sydney feels tears spring to her eyes. Maybe she hasn't been the best friend to Kerri, but she doesn't deserve this. "Fine," she snaps. "And let me know when you and Ben get married, but don't bother inviting me to the reception. I'm sure even on what's supposed to be one of the happiest occasions of your lives, you'll be able to imagine that I'm secretly thinking I'm better than you."

"I'm sure you would be," Kerri snaps back. "After all, you'll never have to get married a second time."

"You're right, I won't," Sydney responds. "I married someone I loved the first time around."

Kerri's eyes widen, and Sydney knows she's gone too far, but it's too late to take anything back.

"What the hell does that mean?" Kerri rages.

"You're a smart woman," Sydney responds coolly, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear. "Figure it out."

"Are you saying I didn't love Eric?"

"That would be extremely presumptuous of me, considering that I didn't know you then," Sydney responds. "But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that something's wrong when you marry the first guy you date after the love of your life dumps you to go to film school."

Kerri's mouth drops open. "You bitch."

"Fine, I'm a bitch," Sydney snaps. "I'm a bitch, and I'm leaving. You never have to see me again." With that, she turns on her heel to leave the kitchen.

"You come back here," Kerri demands, rushing around Sydney to block the door out of the room.

"Get the hell out of my way."

"I loved Eric," Kerri insists. "I loved Eric, and he cheated on me."

"For absolutely no reason, right, other than men can't keep their dicks in their pants," Sydney responds bitterly. "That's why he did it, and why you hope to God Michael does it to me, because then I'll stop feeling superior to you, isn't that right? And because you're so miserable you want everyone else in the world to be, too. How does it feel, Kerri, to be as petty and vindictive as your eight-year-old son?"

Kerri slaps Sydney across the face.

Sydney reaches up and rubs her cheek, then pushes her way past Kerri, heels clicking on the hardwood floors as she makes her way to the dining room. "Michael, we have to go."

Michael looks up, obviously alarmed by her frantic tone and by the red spot that must have been appearing on her cheek. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Michael, I just have to go," Sydney says firmly. "Get the kids and our things, okay? I'll meet you in the car."

Of course, Sydney doesn't remember to get the keys from him, so she winds up leaning against the car, struggling for breath and sobbing. A few moments later, she hears footsteps approach, and she looks up, expecting to see Michael.

"Hey," says Ben Strand, offering her a half-smile. "Are you okay?"