CHAPTER TWO

After I graduated, I was eager to get away from Carmel, to get away from the memories of Jesse. So I enrolled in the University of New York. It was a miracle that I got accepted, given my not-exactly-perfect grade point average (not to mention permanent record). Gina and I shared a dorm room, but even she noticed that I had changed, and though we were living together and attending the same school, we drifted farther apart.

I wondered if Jesse knew what he did to me. It's amazing for someone who had felt so strong, I completely lost myself. I didn't see this coming. Not by a long shot. When I first moved to Carmel all those years ago, and first met Jesse, all he was to me was a pest. Another pain in the ass ghost I had to deal with. Little did I know that soon, he would set my heart flying, then crash it down, shattering it into a thousand pieces.

There are two sides to that saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." On one said, you are grateful for every moment you spend with them, and know that knowing them, loving them, made you a better person. But on the other hand, I am pretty sure that it would feel better having a thousand knives pierce your body all at once than to love someone so much, then have them ripped away from you. I should know.

I don't know how I came to the conclusion that Jesse willingly left me, but somehow, I did. Part of me would rather hate him than mourn for him.

But I think deep down, I knew that whatever happened, he didn't cause it.

That hate grew so intense I could hardly bear it. I hated Jesse for breaking my heart, breaking my spirit. But most of all, I hated him for making me love him.

Suddenly, something inside of me snapped. I decided that I wouldn't let him break me anymore. I began putting all the effort I could into my schoolwork, and it payed off because my grades were steadily improving. I began mending my relationships with other people, and tried to get back into the dating scene. It was remarkable how quickly I had pulled myself out of that black hole I had fallen into. My life seemed to be going great.

But still, there was not a night I didn't cry myself to sleep, rocking back and forth and hugging my knees. Against my own will, I imagined what it felt like to be held by Him, touched by Him. And once I felt those hands on me, I could sleep.

END OF CHAPTER TWO

Notes: I know this chapter was really short and lame, but I needed to put something in between Suze mourning for Jesse and meeting her future fiancé. This chapter is basically Suze getting her life back on track.