To Love a Jedi

Chapter 4: Dreaming of the Future

Author's Note: I BOUGHT THE AOTC SOUNDTRACK! I'M LISTENING TO IT RIGHT NOW! (Oh yeah, this chapter has a tiny spoiler for RotS.)


Out of the fog, a blurry shape emerges. As it walks toward me its shape can be confirmed as human. I cannot see its face but I judge it to be male. The figure is tall, and I can see a cloak wave in the background. I take a step backward, frightened by this figure. "Don't be afraid." He says, in a voice I can barely recognize. He beckons to me.

I do not move closer. "Who are you?" I ask.

A smug laugh comes from him. "You don't recognize me? I should have figured. You didn't recognize me when I saw you again, either." As if a light came on him, and I now see who it is.

"Ani?" I ask, and then I run towards him, into his arms. He pulls me close and hugs me as if we haven't seen each other in years. "Ani," I say, holding on to him with all my might. "Oh Force, Ani! I thought…they said you were…Oh Force!" I bury my head into his shoulder, crying.

His hand comes to steady me. "It's all right now, Padmé. We're here now. We're together. We'll always be together."

"I know." I reply, still weeping. "Ani, so much has changed. I'm in hiding. And…my children! Ani, you have to see them! They haven't seen you!"

He whispers in my ear. "Time for that later. Now, let's be together. Like we should have been all this time."

I close my eyes, leaning against him. "You're right. Ani, I wish I could have said it that day, I love you."

His voice changes into a tone I never heard before. "You say you do." His hands suddenly dig into my skin, instead of gently holding me.

I break away, worried over this change. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"This." I look on in terror as his face suddenly distorts. Instead of the face I recognize, with the long hair and the beautiful smile, it transforms into a bloody scabbed mess. His face is burned and red, and his hair has been incinerated. He grins evilly as his limbs disappear and are replaced with burned stumps. I am too terrified to scream as his blue eyes glare at me insanely. His mouth opens, and blood pours out of it as he says. "This happened to me. The volcano, remember? You say you love me, but you did this to me!"

I step backwards. "Ani, no! I love you! I didn't do this to you!"

He reaches out a hand that is so scabbed it looks like old wood. "Look what you've done!"

"Ani…!" I plead, but suddenly he changes again. The scars and scabs are covered in blackness. A suit of black is placed over him, and his breathing becomes labored. I can hear the pulse in my ears. I look at what used to be his face, and I am so frightened I cannot run.

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME! YOU MADE ME THIS! IT'S YOUR FAULT!" As he pulls out his lightsaber, I hear the screams of his victims. I see their blood on my hands. The cry for help, but I cannot help them.

"You did this!" Their screeching voices cry. "You killed us!"

"No!" I cry, to them and to Ani. "Please, Ani, no…"

He comes closer with the red blade humming menacingly. "You made me what I am today. I wanted love, though I couldn't have it. You gave it to me. My lust for you drove me mad. Your lust for me made me want to kill to protect you. I have you to thank for this new form." He flexes his fingers beneath the glove. "This machine. You made me lie awake at night worrying. You made me want to control the galaxy. You made me want to go to the ends of the earth, which I did." He walks closer as I try to back away. "All this lust, pain, worry, and sorrow is a torture you bestowed on me." He lifts the lightsaber. "So, Padmé, I need to thank you."

"No!" I beg, "Ani, please! I love you!"

"Silence! If you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me! You ruined me! Those people, I killed them. I killed them all. I hate them! Like I hate you!"

I scream as the red blade flashes down at my body…

I jerk awake. Breathing heavily. It takes me a few seconds to remember where I am and that it was a dream. I feel my forehead and see that I am drenched in sweat. I guess I need a little fresh air.

I walk to the balcony and look out on Alderaan at night. The dream still haunts my mind. I wonder, is Ani's suffering my fault?

Yes.

What he said was true, every single sentence. He did suffer because of me. He did worry, though I told him not to. His love for me drove him mad. Like his love for his mother. Jedi aren't allowed to love…He knew that phrase, as did I, but we had no respect for the rules. I had learned to follow rules, but I did not want to. We couldn't help ourselves. But we should have.

When he fell in that volcano, he was fighting because of me. His worry caused him anxiety, and he couldn't take it. He felt like he needed to control everything. Like he needed to control the galaxy.

I know that's why he's searching for me. His love has turned into a wanting obsession. He wants to control me. I don't think he would kill me, or his children if our paths were to cross, but I know it would not be a good situation.

I wonder what he would think if he knew of these dreams I've been having. I know I must forget him, and try to live happy, but I do wonder.

Jedi must not love…

Dreams of him. Like dreams he had of me. So long ago…


Anakin and I were fleeing Coruscant as refugees. Though I loathed the idea of leaving when I had an important debate, I longed to see Naboo. Everyday I was gone; I missed the greenery and the beauty. Coruscant was okay, but Naboo was my home.

The day I learned Anakin might like me more than a friend, we were in the dining compartment, eating and talking. Catching up on things we didn't get to say before. I told him of my new part in politics, he told me about being a jedi. It was wonderful, something I had missed.

"You mean you have act polite, even if an Ylixian's oozing pus all over the floor?" He asked, astonished.

"Yes, and, if you recall, he had an excuse. An infected blaster wound is no joke."

Anakin stared. "Force, your life is tough."

I raised my eyebrows. After nearly all my life involved in it, politics was a breeze. "My life? What about you, mister jedi?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I don't really recall anything tougher than fighting off a nest of gondarks. And would you remind Obi-Wan to tell the story right? He did NOT sense danger right before he fell in, and he did NOT kill three of them by throwing his lightsaber into a spin. That was me."

I laughed. As I noticed, he had lost none of his sense of humor. I heard a familiar beep and saw R2 carrying a bowl of soup. "Thank you R2." I told him, as he beeped happily and rolled away.

I went back to my conversation with Ani as I ate. I had to explain what I had meant by the earlier question. "It must be difficult having sworn your life to the jedi. Not being able to visit the places you like, or do the things you like—"

He interrupted, "Or be with the people that I love?"

I was surprised at that question. The first kind of love I thought of was the kind between a man and a woman. Then I remembered the love for friends. I assumed he was talking about platonic love not love. "Are you allowed to love?" I asked, again thinking of platonic love. "I thought that was forbidden for a jedi."

Anakin gave me a small grin. "Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a jedi's life." He smiled. "So, you might say we are encouraged to love."

This gave me a slight tinge of nervousness in my stomach. But since I had grown up having to mask my feelings for politics, I hid it carefully. "You've changed so much." I told him. Which was true. He was still Ani, but he was also a different and exiting person, changed by the jedi order.

"You haven't changed a bit." He said. "You're exactly the way I remember you in my dreams."

That sentence made me forget masking my feelings. I stared, in shock. He was having dreams about me. Dreams. About me. That wasn't something that friends usually had. As I looked at him, I saw something more. A small thing in my brain told me that he might like me as more than a friend. I didn't want to believe it, because there was I small chance that it was the same way with me. I said nothing and returned to my meal, hoping that last comment would be forgot.

Sensing that he made me uncomfortable, he also sat in silence.


I should have known from that day that we were not just friends. That we could never be friends. Even though we had four years between us, something still connected us. After all, the gap between fourteen and ten was a lot wider than the gap between twenty four and twenty. I should have sensed what was to come.

Ani, I should have known we would fall in love. I should have known that if we did, what consequences would occur. I should have known I would cause you to be like you are now. A machine devoid of any human compassion. Insensible to touch or to feeling.

All love, including unconditional, forgot.


Author's Note: ONLY TWO MONTHS TILL ROTS! I CAN'T WAIT!