To Love a Jedi
Chapter 11: I've Always Loved You
Author's Note: I had a dream about ROTS last night! Sorry, but I thought I'd share that…
Dormé has returned. Obi-Wan and she escaped unharmed. They were disappointed to learn that Ani saw through our plan. I no longer call him "Vader", Ani is more appropriate. Because now I know why he was presumed evil. From what I learned, the emperor tricked him. Ani was afraid that I would die, and the emperor made him do terrible things, with the promise that he would learn to keep me alive. But when he thought he had failed…the hatred consumed him. Thus was evil born.
But yesterday…I saw a bit of him was left. When he realized I was alive…I saw a bit of his old self in him. He's starting to come back. He is turning away from his evil side…back to…the part of him that I love.
I look at my hologram of him. It has been many years since I have stared into this. It has been many years since he looked like this. I have a strong desire to touch the hologram, but that is impossible. Holograms cannot be touched by a real person. Yet I long for the real thing. Though he may not know it, I still long for Ani.
I have come to admit it now, to the world and myself. I kept trying to forget…to forget those awful times, yet I couldn't. The memories Ani and I shared together somehow leaked through. And yet I still am sad for the time lost, I rejoice in the past. I rejoice for the time I spent with him.
Though every memory is bittersweet. Our lives were a secret, a "lie" as I once put it. We had to be discreet and careful with each meeting. Thankfully, for three years, no one knew but us, the droids, and Dormé. (She had walked in on us embracing one day.)
One memory of us I do not like to recall is when we were forced to tell Obi-Wan the truth. He found out by contacting the long dead Qui-Gon. He was dead, and was able to look after Anakin. He had known about us all along. Telling Obi-Wan the truth was the hardest thing, I think, Ani ever had to do. It revealed that he broke the jedi rules, that his forbidden feelings for me had gone too far, and that I was pregnant with our "child". Obi-Wan blamed him, but it was also my fault. I had also said, "I do."
That was the beginning of our downfall, but times before then were happy. Our separations were almost unbearable, but those short tender moments were like precious jewels, and even the recollections of them made my heart pounding. And I always longed for the next meeting, longing for the next time I could wake up in the morning and have my husband's sleeping form beside me.
I am no longer sad about the days past. Yet it now is replaced for longing. Longing to be back in those times, to fall back into those memories. Yet that is impossible. Even with all the advancements in technology, time travel is an utter fantasy. Yet I cling to that wish; that hope of being together again.
And so I close my eyes, and caress every precious memory in my mind, wishing beyond everything I could go back to those times.
"Milady!" Bail Organa yells, waking me out of my happy thoughts. "We have trouble!"
I yawn. That's all I hear nowadays. "Trouble, of what kind?"
He seems very frightened. Perhaps there is cause for alarm. "Lord Vader…" He seems unable to finish.
Is there something wrong with Ani? No, wait it couldn't be that, then he would be rejoicing. "What is it?" I ask. I suppose he sent another wanted notice out for me.
"This is much more serious than what your thinking!" He yells. "Lord Vader…he's…he's coming to Alderaan!"
I gasp. No…did he just say… "What?"
"He's coming down here to look for you!" He says. "If he finds you and Leia, you know what will happen!"
Yes, I know. I know what his dark self would do, but what about this self I saw earlier. What about his old self? "I know what he would have done, but what if he does something different?"
He is puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, how do you know that he will take Leia and me? What if he will just leave us alone."
He gapes at me. "You cannot be serious."
"I am serious. You saw how he was on the last hologram!"
He sighs. "Milady, I thought you knew politics. He was tricking you. He used the sympathy act to get me to agree without a fight."
How can he say that? "A sympathy act, Senator Organa? He could have just made you scared enough to submit! Why would he do this otherwise?"
Now he is angry. "Milady, he is dangerous! You cannot seriously think he would just leave you alone! He is manipulating you! And because you fell for this act proves it! Your husband is gone! This monster replaced him! You wallow in misery, wising for the past, when you need to wake up! The past is gone, the present is now, and if you don't understand these things, the future will not even exist!"
I gasp and step back. I cannot think of anything to say.
He realizes what he said. "Milady, no! I didn't mean…"
I wipe a small tear away. "Yes you did mean it. You meant all of it. And I suppose I needed to hear it for a long time too."
"Then…you will follow the necessary actions?" He asks.
I nod. "Get Leia out of here."
"What?"
"We need to get Leia out of here! He could sense her! She may be in even more danger than I am!"
"I am not questioning on the account of Leia, I am asking because of you. You are in danger as well! You need to find some way of leaving the palace."
I shake my head. "There is no way."
"If you stay, then you could possibly die!"
I do not look at Bail Organa. I look at the hologram of Ani behind him. "I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little each day since all of this begun…"
While on Tatooine, Ani and I received a message from Obi-Wan. He was in trouble. I convinced Ani to go look for him on Geonosis. But we were captured, and were to be executed in the Geonosis arena. I had a hope that we would make it through and live. But it was a small hope.
As they led us to the cart, I kept my eyes on Ani. I noticed he was doing the same thing. When we were put in it and chained to it, I heard the murmur of the crowd. My stomach did a tumble. That was when I felt it. I knew that we were going to die. I thought about Ani. At that moment, I realized that I loved him. I loved him with all my soul. I loved him more than I could comprehend. Somehow, that time we had spent together had done it. His laughter and his smiles had charmed me. I had fallen head over heels in love with him, and I had never known it.
As I knew that we were going to die, I briefly thought about confessing my love for Ani. I knew I might never get another chance…another chance to let him die happy knowing that I loved him.
"Don't be afraid." He said, trying to calm me. It didn't.
Do it now, Padmé. I told myself. This is probably your last chance…
I turned to him and said, "I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little each day since you came back into my life."
He didn't understand. "What are you talking about."
My lips at first resisted, and then I finally said it. "I love you." When I spoke those words, I felt my chest lift and my heart pound when I finally admitted it. When I said that, I saw Ani's eyes lift in an expression that could only be surprise and equal love.
He struggled with the words. "You love me?" But something held him back. "I thought that we had decided not to fall in love…That we would be forced to lie a lie. And that it would destroy our lives."
I didn't care anymore. And I saw that he didn't care either. "I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway." I told him, and a small bubble of fear built in me, but the knowledge that I was going to die with Ani calmed me. "I truly…deeply…love you. And before we die I want you to know."
With a small struggle, we were able to touch lips, the final step in proclaiming our love. The small kiss was all we needed to know we genuinely desired each other. If we were anywhere else, I would have thrown my arms around him and kissed him more passionately, but we were so lost in our love that we did not feel the cart move. We did not hear the screams of the crowd. We only broke the kiss when we felt the sunlight on our faces.
We probably would have continued, if we did not have the knowledge that Obi-Wan was watching. We looked up at the crowd now murmuring with delight at our soon to be demise, and we could not hear them. Thoughts of each other were now going through our heads. Thoughts of Ani dominated my brain. An endless repetition of my words I love you and I truly…deeply…love you. Went through me. I love Ani. I realized, with a small happy sigh. And he loves me.
For the first time in my life, I knew deep love. And I knew what it was like to be deeply loved. I didn't care anymore about rules or about the fact that our love was forbidden. I wanted to spend my life with Ani, if that were possible. And as the cart slowed to a stop, I made a silent vow that if we made it through this, I would love Ani with all my heart, without the hindrance of rules.
And Ani, I kept that promise. I still keep it. To this very day, I still love you. I may not have known it, but I have always loved you. And I will keep on loving you until the day I die and perhaps longer than that.
And I know, deep down inside, it is the same for you.
Author's Note: Isn't that cute! I cried writing it! Okay, enough of this crap! NEXT CHAP IS THE LONG AWAITED PROPOSAL!
