Dragonfly: Considerable chaos will result from Glorfindel having tipped off Saruman as to the fact that Anomen is wandering about in the wild.
Andi-Black: If nothing happens to Anomen, then the story wouldn't be very interesting, would it?
Karri: Yes, that was bad move on Glorfindel's part, drawing Saruman's attention to Anomen. And, yes, Anomen does indeed have a knack for "finding allies in the least likely of places." It is no wonder that, in the end, Legolas becomes friends with Gimli.
Joee: Well, I don't feel sorry for Saruman. He wouldn't be continually outwitted if he would stop trying to do nasty things.
Legosgurl: My little brother used to sleepwalk. One day he walked into a closet. There was a little chair sitting in this closet. Apparently my little brother mistook the setup for the toilet because he whipped out his tiny tool and peed onto the center of the seat of this stool. This closet happened to be in my older brother's room, and was he ever 'pissed'! Aren't siblings wonderful?
Beta Reader: Dragonfly.
Number Nine: Chapter 5
The Captain of the Guard at Cirith Ungol yawned widely, his gape revealing his sharp, yellow teeth. "I'm bored," he announced. "Bring me that old fool."
"Which old fool?" said one of his guards stupidly.
"What? How many old fools we got locked up, anyway?"
"One," said the guard. At least this much could be said for him: he could count.
"Well, then, that old fool, you idjit! And be quick about it, afore I decide to amuse myself with a young fool."
"We got some o' those?" said the dim-witted guard.
"At least one," snarled the Captain. "And one too many, seemingly."
Luckily for the stupid guard, he had at that point shambled off to fetch Gandalf. In due course, he returned to the chamber, shoving the wizard before him.
"'Ere 'e is," he announced.
"I kin see that," growled the Captain. "Now lemme think," he muttered, looking around the room. "We got cat'o'nine tails, but that's getting' old. What else we got? Hmmm. Plain leather whips, whips tipped with metal balls, whips tipped with barbs—that's good. There's chains, too, and, oh, I'm forgetin' the flails—good for breakin' bones, they is. Got the rack'n'the wheel in the courtyard, but don' feel like bestirrin' meself. Thumbscrews'll do, I think."
This recitation was making Gandalf feel ill, of course. Fortunately, as Men were wont to say in those days, 'Desperation is the mother of invention'.
"My Lord," he said politely, "I detect a note of ennui in your voice."
"On-what?"
"Ennui. World-weariness. Languor. Tedium. In short, boredom."
"Course I'm bored," snarled the Captain. "Whaddya think yer standin' there for? If I've got on-wee, yer the cure."
"I shall strive to do my best to serve you in that capacity," Gandalf assured the Captain. "You seem tired of your usual methods. Perchance I can introduce some novelty into your routine. May I have a coin?"
"A coin?"
"Surely a Captain as powerful as you must have a coin or two lying about."
This obsequiousness was sufficient to prompt the Captain to root about in his pouch and produce a coin. Gandalf tried not to shudder as he touched it. It was very greasy, and the wizard did not want to think what sort of fat might be smeared upon the slug.
Gandalf placed the coin in the palm of his left hand. He turned to the stupid Orc.
"The coin is in my hand without a doubt—true?"
The Orc peered at Gandalf's palm and nodded.
Keeping his hand palm up, Gandalf closed his fingers over the coin.
"It must still be in my hand—isn't that so?"
"I dunno," said the Orc. "I don' see it no more."
Gandalf suppressed a sigh.
"You didn't see it fall from my hand before I made a fist."
"No-oo, can't say I did."
"Then it must still be in my hand."
"But I don' see it."
Gandalf opened his hand, revealing the coin.
"You see it now, don't you?"
"Yep," the Orc said quickly.
Gandalf closed his hand.
"Now you don't see it, but it can't have gone anywhere."
"I s'pose that's right," agreed the Orc.
"Good! Good!"
Gandalf passed his right hand over his closed fist several times and uttered some mumbo-jumbo. Then he opened his hand. The coin was gone.
"Hey," the stupid Orc shouted indignantly, "you wuz just sayin' that the coin 'uz in yer hand, but it hain't. You lied!"
"No! no! no! It was in my hand. I have made it disappear. It's a magician's trick—you must know what I mean! Sleight of hand, conjuring, that sort of thing. Would you like me to make it reappear?"
The Orc nodded.
Gandalf uttered more mumbo-jumbo as he waved his hands over the Orc's head. Then he drew forth the coin from the Orc's ear and handed it to him.
"Hey!" yelled the Orc. "I got coins in me head!"
"Well, it's certain ye don' have any brains in there," growled the Captain. "Gimme back me coin. Is that the best ye kin do, old Man?"
"Oh, no," Gandalf hastily assured him. "I have more tricks up my sleeve. May I have a scarf?"
"A scarf," scoffed the Captain. "Aren't we the gen'lmen! Nex' thing ye'll be wantin' a hankee."
"Actually, a handkerchief would do nicely, if you have such an item about."
"Well, I don't," snarled the Captain.
"A bit of rope, then—I only need a foot!"
This the Captain could provide. Gandalf solemnly stuffed the rope into a tankard and closed the lid. More mumbo-jumbo as he waved his hands over it. Then he opened it and began to draw forth the rope—one foot, two feet, three feet, four feet. An entire coil of rope seemed to have materialized within the tankard.
"Say," the Captain said reflectively, "this puts me in mind o' somethin' I did in me younger days."
"Does it?" said Gandalf, delighted to have struck a chord in the memory of the irritable Orc.
"Yep, yep. It were me first battle. Killed quite a few Men, for all it were me first battle—which set me on me path to me present em-in-ence, I might add! After, I wuz lookin' fer a way to pass the time. Settled on drawin' out the guts o' a feller. Turns out they wuz endless! Pulled out one foot an' then another foot an' then another foot. Had no idea guts wuz so stretched out. Quite amusin', really."
The Captain eyed Gandalf speculatively.
"What a fascinating story!" exclaimed the wizard with a great show of calmness. "Perhaps my next trick will inspire additional fond memories. May I have a deck of cards?"
The Captain was in a complacent mood by now and ordered that a pack be brought. The cards were as greasy as the coin had been, but Gandalf had other things to worry about, you may be sure. He handed the deck to the stupid Orc and bade him shuffle it. After the Orc had done so, Gandalf told him to draw a card. The wizard took it and looked at it. Then he told the Orc to put it on top of the deck. The wizard shuffled the deck several times. At last he drew forth a card and handed it to the Orc.
"Isn't that the same card that you first drew?" he said triumphantly.
"I'm sure I don't know," declared the dim-witted guard. "There be a lot o' cards in a deck, in't that so?"
This was too much for the Captain. Seizing his scimitar, which he always kept handy, he casually swiped off the head of the stupid Orc.
"Not a bad morning's entertainment," the Captain chortled. "Awright," he shouted to the other guards, who had been lounging about, picking their teeth and taking in the whole scene with great interest. "Show's over. Take this old fool back up top. Oh, and feed 'im. Might want to keep'im around a few more days. Wouldn't mind seein' that rope trick again."
Given the unfortunate effect said rope trick had had upon the Captain, Gandalf was not anxious to repeat that particular performance. However, relieved merely to have survived his 'audition', the wizard did not think it wise to demur at this point.
While Gandalf had been entertaining the Orcs of Cirith Ungol, two other bands of Orcs had been setting out from Isengard, one heading north, the other south. "You are to capture a golden-haired elfling," Saruman had told the leader of each band. "See that no harm comes to him, and when you have caught him, send me a message straightaway." Once Anomen was in the hands of the Orcs, it was Saruman's plan to send a band of Men to slay the Orcs and 'rescue' Anomen. His Men would then convey a suitably grateful elfling to the safety of Isengard. As for the Orcs, the White Wizard thought nothing of murdering his own servants if it suited his ends. 'After all,' he said to himself, 'Orcs are fifteen a farthing'.
Unbeknownst to Saruman, however, there was another band setting out, but this one from Imladris. In hopes of coming up on Anomen from behind, Taurmeldir was leading a party of Elves south, as Elrond had commanded.
Shortly after Taurmeldir and his scouts had departed, visitors arrived at Rivendell from the east. These were emissaries from Lothlórien, bearing letters from Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel. Accompanying them was a very smug Haldir. His brothers Rúmil and Orophin had lately been very naughty, but he, of course, had been very good. As a 'reward', he had been allowed to accompany the messengers. Truth be told, however, Galadriel, who had always been gifted with foresight, expected trouble to break out if Haldir remained in Lórien and continued to lord it over his disgraced siblings. It needed no mirror for her to divine this, for one only had to look at the disgruntled faces of Rúmil and Orophin to know that they would be unable to restrain themselves forever. To forestall mischief, the Lady had dispatched Haldir to Rivendell until such time as tempers might cool. Moreover, she thought Haldir ought to be taken down a peg, and she was quite sure that the hellion twins, Elladan and Elrohir, could manage the task nicely, but with the advantage that Elrond would have to deal with the resulting carnage rather than she or her spouse. Galadriel, it must be confessed, did have a bit of a conniving streak in her. Glorfindel, in a moment of pique, once went so far as to call her 'sneaky'.
When Haldir arrived, Elladan and Elrohir were in the library, being superintended by an irate Erestor. With Anomen absent, the twins had been complaining vociferously that it was not fair that they had to labor at lessons.
"Anomen has taken a holiday," protested Elrohir, "whilst we must pour over these dusty tomes about the fall of Gondolin."
Elladan tossed down his pen.
"And these word problems," he whined. "'A Dwarf has twenty-seven gold nuggets. He melts fourteen and forges them into gold chains. Then he mines another nine. How many gold nuggets does he now have?' I'm sure I don't care!"
"Although," he added reflectively, "I wouldn't mind having the chains."
Erestor rapped his ferrule upon the desk. He was already troubled by guilt over Anomen's having run away, and now, after days of putting up with Elladan and Elrohir's complaints, he was as irritable as a Troll and about to behave in a very uncharacteristic fashion.
"Do you know," he said darkly, "what Men do with rulers?"
"They use them to measure," Elladan said promptly.
"And to draw straight lines," added Elrohir.
"They have another use for them," said Erestor ominously, a very unpleasant expression upon his face. "Elladan, Elrohir, hold out your hands, palms up."
Bemused, the twins did so, and Elrohir smacked their hands with the ruler—and rather smartly, too, I might say. The twins were too astonished to cry and stood gaping. Just at that moment, Elrond entered the room with Haldir at his side. At once he took in the scene. His eyebrows shot up momentarily, but then he put on an impassive face.
"Erestor," he said mildly, "I see that you are teaching a lesson on the customs of Men and engaging in a demonstration of some of their educational practices. Very creative, I must say, and I'm sure that my sons appreciate your departure from the usual cut-and-dried lectures that so many instructors rely upon excessively."
Elladan and Elrohir shot their father an aggrieved look, but Elrond looked back at them with a smile of utmost innocence. They were pleased with what he said next, however.
"I am afraid, Erestor," Elrond continued, "that I shall have to deprive you of your pupils for several days. As you see, Haldir has come to visit, and it is needful that Elladan and Elrohir serve as his host for the time being."
The twins tried to look solemn, and Erestor actually had to stifle a laugh, so happy was he.
"Very well," he said, putting on an air of regret and sighing mightily. "If it cannot be avoided."
"No," replied Elrond, putting on a similar air of regret, "it cannot. Given Elladan and Elrohir's station, they must sometimes perforce take on the responsibility of entertaining guests. In an appropriate fashion," he added hastily, giving the twins a hard look. Elrohir had allowed a grin to spread over his face, and the elfling promptly resumed his solemn expression.
"Well," said Elrond, "now that that is settled, Elladan and Elrohir, please show Haldir to his room and see that he is provided with all that is needful for his comfort."
"Yes, Ada," chorused the twins. Then, as their father turned to leave, they smirked at Haldir, who now looked very unsure of himself. For good measure, as they exited the chamber with their 'guest', Elrohir shot a triumphant look back at Erestor. The tutor, however, was too gleeful to care. He smiled back no less triumphantly, and had the satisfaction of seeing Elrohir look disappointed.
"Taste of his own medicine," the tutor chortled.
It must be said that the twins did indeed make sure that Haldir's room was well appointed. That done, however, they at once fell to scheming.
"Haldir," said Elrohir, "the weather is very fine."
"Yes," agreed Haldir nervously.
"We must do something out of doors," opined Elladan.
"Um, I suppose that would be reasonable," replied Haldir stiffly. Would he be safer, he wondered, indoors or out? Indoors he could be locked in a trunk or tied up in a blanket or stuffed into a basket. Outdoors at least he probably wouldn't be wedged into anything tiny or stifling. More likely they would tie him to a tree. At least he would be able to breathe.
"Alright," he said. "Let's go outside."
They went out into the garden and ran a few footraces. Then they wrestled for awhile. At length, tired, they threw themselves upon the greensward and looked up at the clouds.
"Lord Elrond told me that Anomen is away to the south," Haldir said after a bit. "When will he be back?"
"We don't know," sighed Elladan. "He has run off again, leaving us to deal with Erestor on our own. Rather selfish of him, I think."
"Erestor should whip him," Elrohir grumbled. "But when the scouts bring him back, everyone will be so relieved that he'll only be set to polishing armor or peeling potatoes."
"Have the scouts been searching for him long?"
"One patrol has," Elladan said, "but another one has only gone out this morning."
This gave Elrohir the opening he had been waiting for. He sat up excitedly, as if he had just had a sudden idea.
"Let's practice our tracking!" he exclaimed
"On what?" asked Elladan, his face the picture of innocence. In fact, not even Anomen could have done better at carrying off the charade.
"On the scouts. Let us follow their trail."
Haldir looked doubtful.
"Is that wise? Scouts are warriors. It wouldn't do to creep up on warriors."
"We'll only follow them for a bit," promised Elladan. "Oh, let's say—three hours."
"You're not afraid, are you?" Elrohir asked tauntingly. Of course, with that Haldir had no choice but to go along with Elrohir's plan. The elfling code is really no different than the code followed by dwarflings, small humans, and, yes, young halflings (especially the males of all the aforesaid races). Turning down a dare led to loss of face, and Elrohir had, in effect, challenged Haldir with what was clearly a dare.
Once the twins had wrung reluctant agreement out of Haldir, they left him to his own devices for a time—'so we can prepare', said Elladan. Haldir wondered what sort of preparations would be necessary for a brief excursion. To his distress, when Elladan and Elrohir returned, they carried three bows, three quivers, and three rucksacks, each of which was astonishingly heavy, given that they needed to pack nothing more than a lunch. His misgivings great, Haldir trailed miserably after the twins as they passed through the gates of Rivendell and entered the forest beyond.
And thus began the 'three hour tour' that was to become famous in the annals of Imladris.
