To Love a Jedi
Epilogue Part I: Losing Everything Dear to the Heart
Author's Note: I just watched all the new trailers on starwars .com 2 times in a row! You could say I am on a Star Wars high…36 Days til ROTS! (note: please get your tissues ready.)
Time is waning.
Time is waning for me. I know it in my heart. I know I shall die soon. I will die because I have finally let go to the memories that have kept me alive for so long. I once believed that forgetting them would keep me alive. But now I see that was foolishness. I can never forget those times. Never. They shall haunt me even beyond my death. I also wished that I could go back in time, back to those lovely memories of Ani and I together.
That is also not possible.
Those memories and sadness which I drowned myself in, kept me alive because I wasn't able to let go. I wasn't able to give them up. Though they shall always be dear to me, I must let those memories go and realize that they are in the past, and therefore gone.
I know now that Ani will never come back to me.
At least, I know I cannot change him. I begged for him to return to the way he was, I cried and professed my love which he once shared. Why then, did he not turn back to the way I loved?
All this time, I've held on to the love that I keep, yet I know his love for me is not the same. He no longer loves me, as he once did. Now I am an obsession, in a way. He doesn't know why he can't stop thinking about me. The love is still there, yet it is hidden away under a black heart.
Will Ani ever return to the good hearted man I once knew?
I know now it is foolish to think so, it is foolish to believe that he is still there. Yet…I cannot help but feel…that he can return. The conflict and hate within him is strong…but…I think Ani is still inside that shell of a man that now walks within his skin.
Ani, can you return?
If he does, I know I shall never live to see it. With letting go of my sadness, I am also letting go of my life. I have nothing to live for. My life is ruined. I have Leia…but now I cannot even have her. It is too dangerous for her to be with me. One more separation will kill me, yet I know it must be done, for Leia's sake. But I know what she will go through. She will only vaguely remember me, and have to grow up without a mother. I know Leia will be strong, unlike me.
If tragedy strikes her, I know Leia will still do her duty, and thus, prevail.
I regret that I shall not see her upbringing. I shall never see her get older; learn more of the powers she is blessed with. I shall never see her fall in love, I will never see her wedding day, and I will never see if I am graced with grandchildren.
In turn she shall never really know her mother. She will never know why I was so sad, and I doubt she will ever learn the true story behind the rebellion. Leia will never know of my tragic story, a story I know will haunt her when she learns of the truth.
Yet she must learn.
I have one last hope to her learning of my story. There is only one way she can learn the truth, the whole truth, from me. I shall never be able to speak to her of it, since I do not have much time left. For even now I feel sickness in my body.
I must write to her future self.
It may be risky, I do not even know if she shall remember me, but it must be done. Leia has to know of how she came to be, and what her mission in life is. And unless I am very much mistaken, I am sure she will wonder once she learns of her brother.
Luke also, will be curious, but I am sure Leia will let him know the necessary things. I haven't seen him since he was a small thing, so I am not as close to him as I am to her.
I must begin my writings to her. But where to begin? This tale begins so long ago, and it is a story that will take time to dictate. But there is no use in putting it off. I am not sure how long it will take. Maybe, by putting all my memories down on paper, I shall be done with them forever. Maybe, I can finally put them behind me, and die in peace.
Picking up a pen, I begin to write in a small diary,
My dearest daughter,
I do not know what to say to you. First, I will say that I am sorry that I never got to see you grow up. I knew that you were a beautiful child, and now I know that you have become a beautiful young woman. I know that you must be strong in heart and in mind, and perhaps you have learned of the powers you were born with. Oh, I wish I could have told you these things face to face, but now that is impossible.
Leia, I am writing to you here to tell you of things that must be told to you. Things that happened in my lifetime that you must know about. I don't know if you remember it, but we talked about such things before, yet I did not tell you the whole truth. I kept many things from you. Many things that would haunt you even now if you were to learn of them. This is my past, and it is not a happy one. I only hope you can forgive me for the things I did, the choices I made, since I repent them. But there is one result of my choice that I do not repent:
You.
I close my eyes and remember when it began…long ago…when I first met that interesting boy in the junk shop. Opening my eyes, I put the pen to the paper.
It all began on that day…
My writing is finished. It pained me to write it. Several times I burst out into tears, but I kept on. The thought that it must be done made me press on, though it pained me to do so. But I finally have my story written out, in truest form. Maybe from this she will learn that her father wasn't a monster, he was just a man who worried for his wife.
I imagine these things will pain Leia, but I think she will read. She will grow up without a mother, and this is a mother's way of saying goodbye.
There is only one more thing left to add.
Leia, no matter what you think of me now, you need to know, I've always love you, and I will always love you. Please forgive me.
I close the book and sigh. A tear falls down my cheek. It's done then.
I know where I shall keep it, in my box of memories. When I am dead, they will find it and keep it for Leia when she turns the proper age. At least now I can rest easy knowing that she will learn of the truth someday.
I see Bail Organa in the gardens. He has been looking into security since the Darth Vader incident, and I have not seen him as often as I used to. I think he is avoiding me. He knows it is never safe around a woman in deep sorrow.
"Milady!" He calls, coming over to me.
"Senator Organa." I greet him.
There is a moment of silence. "We have new security plans." He says. "Things will be much safer around here now. There is no way that any imperial forces could ever—"
I shake my head, cutting him off. "If they wanted to, they could still come through."
"Yes," He agrees. "But for what? Vader knows you are here, yet he let you go when he had the perfect opportunity to capture you."
"I know." I reply. "But there is one person who is still in danger."
"Who?" He asks.
"Leia."
He stares at me. "Are you sure she is in danger?"
"I am certain of it." He did not hear what Vader had said.
"Then, what do you propose we do?"
It pains me to think these words, but I remember it must all be done for Leia's life. "She…she must not be my child anymore." A tear comes in my eye. "Senator Organa…she must be your child."
He gasps. "Milady…you can't…I cannot take her as mine."
"You must!" I beg. "I do not want to give her up…but I have to! If she remains mine, Vader will find her somehow. And…I entrust her only to you."
I burst into tears. Seeing my pain, he comes to comfort me. "Do not fear, milady. I will take good care of her. She will not be yours…but she can remain with you, for the time being."
She can remain with me…for the time being…? That means until I die. At least I may enjoy my daughter's company up to my last breath.
As I sob, I am able to say, "Thank you."
This is the saddest day of my life. I look on to that small document, the document I must sign.
It is the document that signs Leia away from me, forever.
If I had only knew falling in love with Ani would cause such pain…Not only did I lose him, my family, my life, and now, my only daughter. I do not want to do this, I only want to grasp Leia in my arms and keep her forever.
But I am reminded that her life may depend upon it. At least I am comforted that my memories lie safe inside the book in my closet. But that does not take the pain I am feeling away. A mother being torn from her child forever is possibly the saddest anyone could get. Even sadder than letting Ani go…
My face covered in tears, I lift the pen…
And sign my daughter away.
The weeps come upon me as I look at my signature, next to Bail Organa's. I want to scream and yell for this to stop, for this nightmare to end, but it will not. Of all the tragedies I had to face, this is by far the worst.
"There, it is done then." Bail Organa says.
As he picks up the paper from me, I run out of the room and onto a balcony.
"Ani!" I cry, not caring if people hear me. "Ani, why did you do this to me? Why couldn't we live in peace? Why? Ani!"
With that, I feel everything go black as I succumb to a faint.
The last thing I think as I fall into semi-consciousness is, Ani, our love ruined everything. And now…I don't even have my daughter to comfort me.
Ani…all I did was love you. Why did love destroy us?
Author's Note: I cried writing this! Okay, this was sad, but I still have Epilogue Part II to give a semi-happy ending. So please wait ONE MORE CHAPTER for the end!
