Title: In or Out

Author: MechanteSalope

Pairing: HP/DM

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter. I don't, and I'm

not making any money off of this.

First responses to reviews, then the story, then Author's Notes. Important ones; please read them.

A/N 1: Responses to reviews:

Reviewers of the Week Award goes to: Crazy Devilish Angel, Faith Defina, and Reyn, for reviewing twice.

Crazy Devilish Angel: I'm sorry your own surprise kiss didn't end as positively as this one. I said this was my first Harry Potter fic, which was why the characters were a little OOC. Thanks for reviewing twice; that must show that you either really liked my story or youre just a great person to have as a fan. As a writer, though, I'm sure you appreciate just how much we like reviews. I hope this is hot enough for you.

Faith Defina: Thanks for reviewing twice, and I'm happy that you find it funny. Here… hands you a drool bucket … you'll need this, if I'm any good at kisses.

Reyn: Thank you!

YamiRynEnjeru: Thanks for all the help (which mostly involved you sitting there reading my thoughts while I tried to figure out what the hell to do next).

TrixRStrange: Ow, you're throwing bludgers at me? That's so mean! I hope you try your luck at those two songs you mentioned.

Newra: Pinned, bound and blindfolded may not be very dignified, but that's how I like them!

Christine: I'm not surprised the Slytherins are a bit OOC; I haven't written Hpslash previously, and most of my reading is of fanfiction. It's like telephone, where I read fanfiction (that's usually slightly OOC, since they're not written by Her Greatness), so my stuff is a little off from that and so forth. Know any good, in-character fanfics? H/D and no het anywhere past kissing…

Julia: Glad you thought so!

Codeigh: You know, I am a genius. squee Thanks.

Blu: You haven't heard many lately Disney songs lately? Aww, I'm sorry. Maybe you should watch more Mulan. Mulan II just came out, maybe there'll be something good in there.

EmeraldDragon: Thank you.

Danielle: Thanks, you should try it yourself. It's fun and not overly difficult, plus then you're singing your own creation for the rest of the week.

Nekohime: Thanks for the stars!

firedragonluver: Thanks! I hope these ones aren't too difficult to sing to, what with the fact that (I'm noticing) not everyone's seen this movie...

RyokoPorter: Thanks!

Sinistra-san:I hope this is satisfactory, and I'm sorry you had to wait so long.

Thrnbrooke: Sorry you had to wait so long; the songs I wanted to use for chapter 3 and chapter 4 were both from the Return of Jafar, but I wanted to do only one song from any given movie/saga. I ended up going with one from the third Aladdin movie for this chapter, so its not so bad.

Tessa: I'm glad you think so.

Reyn: Thank you for your contribution to the quota.

Phoenix: Yayness! I was really hoping for someone to like the "Captain" thing.

Kyande: Blame it ALL on YamiRynEnjeru. I sent it to her before I posted, and she said it didn't end too abruptly. (Slightly joking)

Jenny: Thank you !

Zentiis: I'm glad this is the funniest smut you've ever read. Maybe you can change that if you check out the Pure Magnetism fic recs in author note 1. Thanks for reading!

LoverofallthingsPttR: I must say that I'm shocked that you didn't recognize "I Won't Say I'm In Love" from Hercules, the animated movie. Hercules is one of my favorites. That, Aladdin, and Mulan. In fact, when I was in sixth grade, there were four movies I could speak the entire way through without any cues: Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, and Aladdin. There's this song that Hercules sings before he finds out about his heritage that makes me think of pre-11 Harry. "I have often dreamed / of a far off place / where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me / Where the crowds will cheer / when they see my face / and a voice keeps saying / this is where I'm meant to be…" I love that song. In fact, I can sorta see Snape singing his own creepy version of "One Last Hope". "So you wanna be a hero, kid, well whoop-de-doo / I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you / Each of them a disappointment / Pain, for which there ain't no ointment / So much for excuses / Though a kid of "Zeus" is / asking me to jump into he fray…"

Kimia Madani: Thanks!

Lisa Gentry: Mock angry I hope you're proud of yourself. You've gone and warped my brain so much that I continued what was supposed to be a one-shot. Smiles Why don't you write those remixes you suggested. I really do want to see more remixes.

Terry Maxwell: I'm glad you found it funny!

Gillian: Thanks for saying it, at least.

George: Thanks. I did now! MUAHAHAHAHAHA

Rach Seea: Hope I can make your month again!

Fenris Mourningstar: I wasn't really holding the last chapter hostage. I didn't even finish it until just now. If you're taking off your hat to me, does that mean I get to keep it? O.O

Kaesaku: Thanks! Well, you're one person who didn't have to wait too long.

In or Out

Harry stood in the library, a little stunned at Draco's sudden exit. He had hoped that they could have a civil conversation after the song he sang to him. If he were perfectly honest with himself, he would admit that he was upset when Malfoy denounced his song the way he had. For a moment he had thought that Rita Skeeter was right, and that he didn't like him the way he had implied when he, uh, kissed him.

But after the comment about his lips, Harry knew that Draco was only complaining because of the mushiness of the song. And force of habit, of course. After all, he wouldn't be Malfoy if he weren't antagonistic and snooty.

Though it had been only a second or two since Draco's departure, when the Library broke out in applause, it seemed terribly delayed. He blushed and grinned, determined to be modest, but Ron ran up to him and held his hand up high, as if he were a champion boxer.

Just then, Madam Pince stormed in, followed closely by Hermione, the look on her face clearly saying that she had stalled as long as she could. Harry nodded to her, causing her to sigh in relief.

"Misters Potter and Weasley!" she screamed. "Detention for a week, both of you! Now take what you need and get out of my library!"

Hermione protested from behind her, "Oh, but Madam Pince –"

The enraged librarian spun on her. "Don't you 'Madam Pince' me, Miss Granger! These two nuisances belong to you, if I'm not mistaken, and if I were to hazard a guess, you knew what they were planning and served to distract me from my duties!" Hermione tried to demur, but was further cut off. "That is highly unbecoming of you and unacceptable for a person of your title. You are forthwith banished from the Library Club and demoted from High Bookquisiter to Simpletome in the Book Club!"

By the end of her rant, Hermione was in tears, and when the librarian was obviously not going to say anymore, the Gryffindor girl squealed in despair and ran out of the room without looking at anyone or grabbing her things.

Harry and Ron exchanged nervous glances, packed up their and Hermione's things, and left to go after her. When they got to the common room, they were told that she was in her room, practicing her repairing spells. When they asked what needed repairing, Lavender shrugged and said, "Whatever she breaks."

They sent Hermione's books up to her with Lavender, and spent the rest of the day generally goofing off, with a 30-minute break here and there for homework. They stayed up in the dorm until one-thirty in the morning playing exploding snap with Seamus and Dean. Neville opted out, since his (and Harry's and Ron's) first class Monday morning was Potions, and he wanted to be wide-awake so that his potion wouldn't explode as violently as usual. He would have loved to drop Potions, but to be a Herbologist, he needed an Average or better on his Potion's N.E.W.T.s.

Ron and Harry, however, stayed up late because of Potions, reasoning that the earlier they went to bed, the earlier Potions would come. Naturally, they regretted staying up late when they got only a few hours' sleep; just like they had last Sunday, just like they would nearly every Sunday for the rest of the school year.

After a quick breakfast, Harry, Hermione (who was still fuming), Ron, and Neville slowly made their way to Potions, where Snape had already charmed the instructions on the board. Harry glanced at Draco, which he realized with a start he had done at the beginning of Potions his entire time at Hogwarts. Only this time, he was treated to a feral grin and an audacious wink.

He felt himself blush to the roots of his hair.

"Are the dungeons too hot for you, Mr. Potter?" Snape's cold voice spat. "It's funny, most lions find it too cold for their tastes."

"Er, no, sir. I swear I'll see Madam Pomfrey after lunch. After all, I know how concerned you are about my health."

"Whatever, Potter, just try not to sneeze into your cauldron." He raised his voice. "The potion we will be making today is highly reactive to organic tissue, so everyone please note that, as is written on the board, gloves are required even before you gather your ingredients. I would greatly appreciate it if today's explosions were left up to Longbottom."

The Slytherins snickered and the Gryffindors glared. Neville, though, was actually doing well on his potion. That is, until Draco tossed something into his cauldron just after Snape passed, causing it to explode very messily all over Neville and Snape.

After an agitated Snape and a terrified Neville left for the Hospital wing, Harry hissed at Draco, "What'd you do that for?"

"I needed to get Snape out somehow, Potter. It's not like Longbottom could have gone the entire hour without blowing up his cauldron, anyway. Besides," he added with a smirk, "Now he gets to brag about how he got that stuff all over Snape. Ooh, I can't wait till he find out what it is."

"Why'd you need to get him out?" Harry asked, while Ron and Hermione simultaneously demanded, "What was it?"

"Something that only affects adults, I assure you, so your little friend is safe. At least, he will be until Snape figures out what it was."

"What was it?" Ron asked again, desperate to know how badly the slimy git would suffer.

"Well, I added a live spider," he offered casually, "so Granger should be able to figure it out well enough. I'd hate to ruin the surprise."

"Why'd you need to get rid of him, Malfoy?" Harry asked visciuosly. "You and your rattlesnakes going to try to give me and my friends to Voldemort?"

Everyone except Hermione cringed. Draco put his hand over his heart in mock pain. "Oh, ouch, Potter! No, the Dark Lord and I disagree on some fundamental issues; it would never work." A few eyebrows raised. "I needed Snape to be absent so that I could do this…."

He had his wand out, and, before Harry even thought to defend himself, he cast a spell. A low, creepy, yet catchy tune started to play. The Boy-Who-Lived knew exactly what he was doing and sat back and listened with amusement to his song.

I remember a time
When malice was sublime
There was plenty of hate in the air
We'd hex and curse
And counter each other
With nary a worry or care
Then along came this dream
That caused my friends to scheme
And got us both into this mess,
So please take your time
You were meant to be mine
I won't settle for anything less

Are you in or out?
Gotta know without a doubt
I'm the one you need for the dirty deed
I'm the best, climax is guaranteed
I must say I'm surprised
You didn't take Skeeter's advice
You want a handsome lover you can't live without?
Better stick with me
Are you in or out?

We used to be smartarses,
Horrendously heartless
In Quidditch and duels we were rough
We felt like we had
To be blissfully bad
Then my friends brought this sensitive stuff
And we strayed from the path
Of our rigorous wrath
Now, let your heart be your guide
We can stick with our winnings
Or our vicious beginnings,
Tell me which one you'd decide

Are you in or out?
Double-crosser or devout?
Get to know me
Pretty soon I'll see
If you might just be worthy of me
Are you beau or friend?
Here's the path I recommend
I can show you what
Pleasure's all about
What's it gonna be?
Are you in or out?

I can touch you in all the right places
And I know this may seem grotesque
But imagine the fear on Snape's face
When he catches us nude on his desk

Are you in or out?
I can't wait to make you shout
I'll lead you straight into
An empty classroom
We'll begin a life that's overdue

Are you out or in?
I want to touch your silky skin
You can be with me, or sit around and pout
What's it gonna be?
Consider carefully
Are you in or out?

Harry was beet red by the end of the song. And Draco was right in front of him, having moved to him so that he could make suggestive touches during important lines. Like the one about Snape's desk… Harry nearly had a heart attack at the thought of what Snape would do in that situation.

"So?" Draco asked, breaking Harry out of his reverie.

"Huh?" Harry asked dumbly. "Oh! Uh, in. Definitely in."

The blonde smiled with only a hint of a sneer, but before he could do anything, Ron interrupted him. "You know Malfoy, if anyone's not worthy of the other, it would be you who's not worthy of Harry."

Draco glowered at the annoyed Gryffindor for a split second and said fiercely, "Hey, Captain Weasel."

Ron lifted his chin in challenge.

Draco accepted the challenge, and when he was sure he had his full attention, he turned and kissed said redhead's best friend. There was, among other things, lots of tongue and sucking. The Slytherin barely felt Harry's hands mess up his hair through the tongue and the mouth and the feel of the brunet's hard body against his, just as needful, just as horny.

He ended the kiss with a loud sucking noise and a wobbly-kneed Potter. Holding the object of his affections close to him, he gave Ron a smug look and laughed at how green his face was. "Oh, you should see your face, Weasley!"

He could feel Harry stifle a laugh beside him. "So you just kissed me to nauseate Ron?" he pouted.

"Oh, don't give me that. I'm not one to do something I don't want to do just for a few seconds of Weasley's aggravation. It was simply a matter of two muggles with one curse."

Hermione let out an affronted gasp and said, "I thought you said you didn't agree with Voldemort" – again, many cringes – "about muggles!"

"What? Ugh, you people! First of all, it's just an expression! Second of all, I did not say that. Of course muggles are filthy beings and purebloods are superior in every way. I just don't think they should be wiped off the face of the earth."

Well, at least that was something. Hermione raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. "Oh? And why is that?"

"Let me put it this way. If I killed everyone that was inferior to myself, who would I be superior to?"

"No one."

"Exactly!" he shouted with such excitement that half the people in the classroom nearly jumped out of their skin. "I may not like muggles, but I do like being at the top of the food chain, thank you very much."

Okay, so maybe his reasoning was warped and a little more than missing the point. But at least he was quite positively not going to join Voldemort's forces.

Ron was skeptical. "How do we know that you're telling the truth, Malfoy? Do you have any proof?"

Draco gave him a glare that told him how he felt about explaining himself to a Weasley, but withdrew a folded piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to Ron. "You can read that. Then you can ask your pitiful muggle-loving father to research it for you; I'm sure he has access to the files."

Before Ron could further probe Draco's virtue, a soft, musical chime sounded. "Snape's coming back! Come on," he insisted as he dragged Harry to the front of the classroom. He swiped everything off the desk with his left arm and roughly threw Harry onto it with his right. He leapt on top of the Gryffindor and sealed their lips together just before Snape walked in and squawked quite amusingly in astonishment.

Everyone turned their heads to see what he would do, and stopped everything – breathing, blinking, thinking.

"What are you all staring at?" Snape asked savagely.

They were staring at him. To be more precise, they were staring at the new him: the softer facial features, the leaner frame, the soft curves of his hips and breasts. That's right: breasts. Professor Snape was now a woman.

Poor Neville.

Fin.

Seriously.

A/N 2: I know that a lot of people who read this story enjoy humor. Well, I'm glad that some of you find my story funny, but I feel inclined to direct you toward a few stories that had me laughing through my tears. Draco is a little OOC, but funny nonetheless. They are all available at Pure Magnetism, url - http: – and here they are:

http:theguestroom. 3: I wasn't originally going to use In or Out as the song, and I had already remixed the other one and written several paragraphs of this chapter before deciding to change it. Since I think it would be a shame for the song to go to waste, I'm going to show you it. Here it is, from Return of Jafar:

I must admit, your little quirks are amusing
I wonder what you're hiding under those robes
Now here's your chance to get the best of me
Hope your moves are hot
C'mon, clown, let's see what you've got
I promise not to start off too rough
With my double whammy you won't have to bluff
For the record, I'm not straight
Your info's out of date
I don't take second rate!

No offense, but your friends are lame
It's about more than power in the wizard game
But you're in luck, I can educate
I don't take second rate!

Men cowered at your power as a baby
Your thumb is number one on every list
But if you're not convinced that you're worthy of me,
I'll put you to the test
I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest

Your strength caught You-Know-Who by surprise
When the time comes, you'll cut him down to size
And he won't escape
It'll be a piece of cake
I don't take second rate!

You know, his hocus-pocus isn't tough enough
Though I don't think anyone measures up
Let me pontificate upon your brilliant state
I don't take second rate!

Zaba-caba-dabra!
Malfoy's gonna grab ya!
Alakazam-da-mus
And this thing's bigger than the both of us
Don't tame that feral hair
I bet you look sexy in your underwear
And I can hardly wait to ameliorate
I'll send everyone else packing in a shipping crate
If we joined forces, we'd be truly great
I don't take second rate!

Another option I was considering was Be Prepared, from the Lion King. I thought the tone and some of the lines fit Draco pretty well – "Be prepared for the chance of a lifetime…" – but the verses weren't long enough and there was too much back-and-forth between Scar and the lions. So I didn't get very far.

A/N 4: I would like to propose a challenge. I think it would be interesting for people to submit their own Disney remixes based on Harry and Draco. You can send it to me in an email or post it in a review; I don't care. After a while I'll put them all up in the "Chapter 5" slot. Bonus points to anyone who can remix "In or Out" to be "In and Out" wink… and a song from Mulan II would be good. Along with the remix, a short 2- or 3-sentence summary about the background would be good. I really hope I get a lot of responses to this.

A/N 5: Lastly, I'd like to give thanks to Bobby, Laurel, and YamiRynEnjeru for all their help and inspiration. And to Walt Disney, of course; I couldn't have done it without him.

(Bobby wanted me to add that he's single, straight, 21, Capricorn, and looking. He dreams of becoming a carnivorous transvestite koala, and he's allergic to invisible goats. He enjoys waffles and rock music. He is currently attending Northpark University in Chicago, IL, and is going to get a Master's and a PhD in Cognitive Neuropsychology. He can be contacted on AIM under dontcarenemoor or at for reading, even if you haven't reviewed… cries at the thought… and maybe I'll finish my other story soon enough so I can start posting.