The Diary Of A Fop

Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations. Or "My Little Pony". Don't ask.

Author's Note: Raoul isn't going to get off easy. I mean, we all want to know why the box he's been using smells like cherry lip gloss.

August 1st, 1881

Dear Diary,

Went to see Christine sing tonight.

Heard strange snarling noises behind me in Box Five.

Turned to retching noises after application of cherry lip gloss.

What can I say?

I'm addicted.

Raoul

August 3rd, 1881

Dear Diary,

Suspect Christine has been messing with my lip gloss.

Found a whole crate of it in the garbage behind the opera house.

Also found a newspaper clipping for a meeting of "Cherry Lip Gloss Addicts Anonymous".

You don't suppose she's implying something?

Raoul

August 4th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Found one of Christine's magazines on the table today.

Page was folded over on the page of speedos.

What does Christine want with a speedo?

Perhaps she's realized how amazing I would look in one.

Raoul

August 7th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Asked Christine about the speedo.

Said the entire idea was utterly disgusting and that it was most certainly not for me.

Who could possibly look better than me in a speedo?

Besides maybe Johnny Depp.

Raoul

August 8th, 1881

Dear Diary,

You don't suppose Christine is trying to cheat on me with Johnny Depp, do you?

I mean... speedos?

Things must be getting serious!

Will ask Christine later.

Raoul

Augsust 9th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Asked Christine if she was having any relations with Johnny Depp.

Assured me that she didn't even know who Johnny Depp was.

Refuses to tell me who the speedo is for.

Damn her!

Raoul

August 12th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Saw Christine gingerly wrapping speedo yesterday.

Perhaps she's donating it to some charity.

Because the only place she went yesterday was Erik's.

And it's obviously not for HIM.

Raoul

August 15th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Christine still refuses to budge on the issue of the speedo.

Says that it does not matter, and it is none of my business.

Well two can play at that game.

Perhaps I shall buy a very lacy thong, and give it to Meg.

Raoul

August 16th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have ordered very pretty, very expensive thong from Victoria's Secret.

Is certain to make Christine terribly jealous.

Give speedos to other men, will you?

Well, I win. So HA!

Raoul

August 17th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have been invited to a poker game tomorrow night at Erik's.

He offered to bet my beloved ponytail.

In other news, had the thong put on overnight delivery.

Made sure Christine saw me wrapping it, and adding very intricate gift card that read "MEG"

Am sure she's in her bedroom sobbing

Raoul

August 18th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Almost time for poker.

I've never been too good at it, but perhaps if I wear a low cut shirt, it will distract the other players.

Christine pointed out that my plan would never work, as none of the men I'm playing against are gay.

DAMMIT!

Raoul

August 19th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Unable to win my ponytail back.

Very upsetting.

Also got a very severe beating from Madame Giry after giving her daughter obscene underwear.

Meg also slapped me, but then handed me a tiny card with seven number on it.

I wonder what this means?

Raoul

August 23rd, 1881

Dear Diary,

Meg yelled at me for not calling her.

Said that I was such a jerk, giving her lovely gifts and then ignoring her.

Supposed it was not the best time to tell her I only wanted to make Christine jealous.

Made sure Christine saw me kindly comforting Meg in a very touchy feely fashion.

Christine just muttered something to her like "Not worth it."

Of course, it is useless to resist my manly charm.

Raoul

August 26th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Another poker game tonight.

DAMN ERIK!

He's selling my ponytail on eBay!

And it's hardly bringing in any money!

That thing is worth at LEAST fifty bucks.

Raoul

August 29th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Christine keeps muttering about how she really wants some waffles.

I offered to make her some, but she declined.

Said Erik's waffles were the only waffles for her.

Little waffle-making pansy.

Christine claimed that REAL men make waffles.

Raoul

August 31st, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have been trying to learn to make waffles.

Not going so well.

They all come out mushy and gross.

Must ask Erik for his recipe.

Raoul

Thank you to...

obsession is love - Glad I was able to brighten your day.

Son Ange - feels shiny from compliment Wheee, I'm awesome! I hope this chapter lives up to the hype!

Nade-Naberrie - Oh don't die, then I'll have no one to review my fic!

Whack-man poop - hiss Evil Raoul-Lover. Nah, I'm just kidding.

Baffled Seraph - I didn't mean for it to be dirty... well, actually, yea, I did. But it was 2am, and I refuse to be held responsible.

MoonDancerCat - Snorfle? That is absolutely the best word. After "waffle".

EriksAngel1870 - I was referring to straws, my dear. angelic smile Everyone's taking it wrong. Alright, so I really did mean for it to be wrong.

Atressa O'Riordan - feels shiny again You guys are so nice!

...for your lovely review!