Concerning the Heart
Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.
Rated T for some parts of Rama's discussion.
Author's Note: This will be a two part story. It takes place about a month or so after Rama returns home from the events of Reflected Reality. Ramica.
Part One: Who was my mother?
Rama glanced at herself in the floor length mirror that was pegged to the back of her door, she silently vowed that today would be the day she talked to her dad about certain things, things that had been on her mind since returning from that alternate world she had visited for a short time.
A world that filled her with hope, dreams and had given her insight into so many aspects of her own life. A world that was similar and yet different from her own.
Yeah right, you've said that every day for how long now? A silent voice mocked.
I mean it this time though. Rama insisted firmly to herself, today I will go through with this.
I'll believe it when I see it. I think you are afraid.
" I'm not afraid of dad" she scoffed aloud, " I am a future Jonin after all and practically an adult. He can't keep treating me like I was four years old."
Still she felt her stomach knot because she knew the things she needed to discuss with her dad, the very ones she kept putting off for one excuse or lame reason or another, were not topics that would be well received by him.
She loved her dad, and enjoyed the chance to joke, banter and generally rib one another, they enjoyed many a good laugh together, but she knew he tended to be overprotective of her, and he worried about her, even though she was fully capable of looking after herself.
Whenever she had brought up the subject of boyfriends in the past her dad had not taken it well.
" Boys are only after one thing Rama. You are far too young for any of that and it isn't going happen while I'm alive to see to it" he growled.
" You want me to die a virgin," she wailed in return.
" There are worse ways and things to die of then of virginity" Her dad insisted firmly.
" This from the man who lost his when he was sixteen" she grumped, fully aware of when her father and mom had conceived her.
Of course as a parent he had a right to be concerned and worried about her. She had to admit there had been times in her life that she had done little to ease his fears and often wondered, with the benefit of hindsight, how she had managed to even live to tell of these exploits.
Even adding to the fact that many of the adventures that had happened to her, to cause her dad such frantic fear to begin with, had been caused by things outside both his and her power to control.
Rama knew that her family had to stay hidden, after all when you and all your blood relatives looked like giant bipedal turtles, well you knew the odds of being accepted by the world at large was rather slim.
At least it was what her family had believed, some of the run ins she had survived as a child had gone a long way to confirming that none of them were safe topside, though many might accept them over time, there would always be those who wanted to hurt or exploit them.
Yet Rama had seen a different way of life on the other world one where mutants could and did exist topside, it didn't mean they were any safer from prejudice but they were accepted.
She had held many debates with her Sensei, who was now Jonin of the clan, about taking a chance to expose themselves to people topside, in the hopes they could start bridging the way to be accepted by those above.
While these discussions remained friendly and respectful they had not gone beyond the stage of talking and Rama knew that Leo's decision in the matter had to be obeyed. As Jonin it was up to Leonardo to make the right choices for the good of the clan.
" If I can face the jonin I can surely handle my father" Rama told herself as she walked out of the door.
Barely had she stepped out of her bedroom when her two and a half year old brother Tyler came running to see her " Ramea,Ramea" he squealed as he caught sight of her, doing his best to say her full name.
Rama caught him up tickling him " Hey squirt, you can call me Rama you know. Where's dad huh?"
" In kitchen" Tyler informed her before giggling as she continued to tickle him.
Rama had suspected as much, it was first thing in the morning and her dad was usually in the kitchen preparing breakfast at this time of day.
Rama smiled at her baby brother, the age gap between her and her siblings was truly a generation gap due to the fact she had been born early on in her dad's life and her two siblings had come along only in her late teens.
Rama entered the kitchen dodging Karena and her dad with expertise and placing Tyler safely down on the ground before pouring a cup of tea for herself. She preferred the soothing warm effects of tea compared to the feeling she got from coffee. Being naturally energetic she didn't need caffeine to kick start her day.
" Dad sometime today if and when you can get a chance away from your duties, and I can get away from mine, can we possibly get together for a talk?" Rama did her best to sound casual.
Mike turned arching an eye ridge " You want to talk?" he repeated spacing the words apart, his brow furrowed as he reached out a hand to lay across his eldest forehead " Nope not feverish." He muttered.
Rama swiped his hand away with her free hand " Very funny dad" she rolled her eyes, " Next thing you know, you will be telling me it is a crime to want to spend time with you." She accused lightly.
" No I just find it funny that for so many years now you have pushed me away, now all of a sudden out of the blue, you want to spend time with me" Mike replied, " I feel honoured and worried." He admitted.
Rama couldn't help but grin at his antics, as she quipped, " Yeah all right just don't make me regret it okay? Or it might never happen again."
Mike smiled " All right Rama how about later tonight before patrols start?" Mike finally decided picking what was normally a fairly free time for both of them.
" Sounds good dad" Rama replied as she fetched the honey from the cupboard to put a spoonful in her drink.
" We, talking about anything important Rama?" Mike asked suspiciously.
" Uh, not really I just wanted to go over a few things that happened when I was on that parallel world, or whatever you want to call it, with your twins" Rama answered evasively.
There was no need getting her dad all worked up before hand, it would be hard enough dealing with the matter when the time came.
…
That evening cloaked in the long overcoats, Mike wearing a hat pulled low over his head, and Rama with her hair hanging loose to hide her face, strolled along a few of the paths in Central Park that weren't as well occupied at this time of night.
" Rama what do you want to talk about?" Mike asked, his curiosity had been eating at him all day, especially with the way Rama had been acting, slight clues of nervousness and unease that she hadn't quite hidden from him then, had not helped matters. Mike knew something was up. He felt that he had waited quite long enough.
Rama took a deep breath as she glanced almost furtively around as if to ensure there was no one else about before she spoke " I want to know about my mother." She declared simply trying to sound very nonchalant about the matter.
Mike paused and stepped back in shock, not quite sure he had heard right, he gave her a baffled stunned look " Your mom?"
Rama nodded, " Yeah I want to know what you can tell me about her." Rama insisted.
" She is gone and dead and good riddance to her. She isn't even part of your life Rama any more, hardly was a part of it when she was alive." He snapped. " So forget her Rama."
" I can't dad" Rama replied, " I don't really know who she was, and what little I do remember about her caused me to attack and almost kill an innocent woman in blood rage." Rama explained, she shuddered at her memory of how the sight of Gabby's mother alone had pushed her into things she had never, thought that she was capable of doing. She had acted in such a rage and such hatred, she was surprised she hadn't killed the woman and, later she had regretted her actions deeply.
After learning more about Gabby's mom Rama's guilt had only increased but she realized she hadn't really known her ownmother, and now she wanted to know who this woman was. " Cassandra was nice to me and I knew there had to be more to my mom then what I can recall of her. All I really remember is the fear the hatred of her and what she did at that time, so you are the only one who can tell me what I need to know." Rama turned pleading eyes on her father. " Please dad clear up this mystery for me, who was my mom really?"
" There is no mystery Rama. Shay was just evil twisted. I can't forgive her for what she did to you." Mike huffed and increased his strides hunching down into his overcoat.
Rama went after him and grabbed his arm " Dad, please…" she begged with her tone her eyes, pleaded for any information that he could reveal to her, " I know we never really talked about her…"
" What was there to say Rama?" Mike demanded as he shook his head in frustration " You didn't even want to hear her name spoken. You were terrified of the name Shay. With Raph killing her and it being all over, well you seemed ready to get on with your life" Mike shrugged a bit "So mentioning her later on might have only opened old wounds. As she wasn't a problem any longer there just didn't seem to be a need to go through all that." Mike admitted, " perhaps this twin of Shay's really wasn't all that bad, then again Shay herself had times when she seemed friendly trust worthy but putting faith in her was like asking a venomous snake not to bite you. You might get away with it once in a while but sooner or later you will get bit."
Rama shook her head as she recalled the story Shay's twin had told her before she had heard the verdict handed down for her crime of trashing the store and almost killing an innocent. It had been a strange bizarre story and yet, after hearing it and spending time with the woman cleaning up the store Rama had come to accept that Cassandra was truly who she pretended to be, very genuine.
" I can't believe that Shay had the nerve to take her own child and think of exploiting her." Mike grumped jamming his hands deeper into the pockets of his overcoat, " But that is what she wanted to do with you Rama if she didn't kill you with the blasted street drug."
Rama bit her lip gently " Shay wasn't always like that though. She couldn't have been. I mean you must have loved something about her?" Rama probed uncertainly, she had heard the story many times of what Shay had done to hurt her. She didn't want that story she knew it well enough.
Mike groaned, " Once I suppose it was a long time ago," he murmured.
Rama almost sighed with relief at hearing this grudging acceptance. It was a start at least. She took a deep breath.
" Cassandra could have been evil, she told me about her past." Rama thought of the story she had heard, " She paid the ultimate price when she betrayed the Foot clan and Shredder but she learned some valuable lessons. She said one of the greatest things she had ever learned was from Master Splinter" Rama gave a small smile, " She gave me an idea that how I assumed Shay to be, wasn't necessarily the way she always was. Just as Cassandra wasn't another Foot Soldier doing her Master's bidding."
Mike exhaled a large puff of air as he glanced up and away " It is hard to think charitably of Shay, too many hard feelings." He replied.
" Feelings that have been allowed to sit and stagnate and turn to poison inside all of us" Rama agreed, " I don't blame any of you for it. You didn't know. You did the best you could, I'm sure of that." She hastened to assure her dad. " Just the way things go sometimes. Maybe we ought to try Aunt Sara's trick." Rama suggested, " Can you think of one good thing you can tell me about my mom?"
" All right let me think I can probably manage that much for you," Mike considered her request, " She used to sing so beautifully Rama, first time I heard her sing was one night when you were only a few weeks old and fussing." Mike smiled a bit " It was so incredible I mean I figured she could go places with that voice of hers. You inherited her voice."
Rama looked up at her dad gratefully " That wasn't so bad was it?" She placed an arm around him " So what else can you say?"
" No fair" Mike elbowed her, " You asked for one thing and I gave it to you girl." He remarked a tad defensively.
" Come on dad" Rama coaxed, " What made you fall in love with her?"
" I don't know Rama, she seemed so lost, so unhappy. I wanted to make her smile and laugh. I guess I was protective of her" Mike shrugged, " It was so long ago. I was young I didn't know a lot back then." He gave a sad shake of his head " I think it was more my hormones that liked her then anything." He smiled " I am so glad you got through your teen years without your hormones getting the better of you girl."
Rama bowed her head, If only he knew, she mused to herself, knowing that, that little secret was the next item on tonight's agenda. Though at the moment her dad was blissfully unaware of the fact.
Mike hugged Rama placing one arm around her carapace and pulling her close to him " In some ways I like the thought of you being Jonin."
" Why cause it keeps me away from the boys?" Rama retorted.
" That and it tends to keep you out of trouble" Mike agreed.
Rama elbowed him breaking the hug.
Mike laughed at her " Do you remember your toy Franklin doll?"
Rama beamed " Do I? He was my best friend as a child. I figured he was family, I didn't want to go anywhere without him" She gushed as she recalled the stuffed turtle that had never been far from her side, " You used to tell me he was my boyfriend, the only one you ever let me have."
" Shay bought him for you and sent him as a gift." Mike stated simply.
Rama paused her eyes growing round with that news, all her time growing up the adventures she had shared, the games she had played with Franklin but she had never known where he had come from. " She did?" Rama finally managed to gasp out.
" Oh yes she did," Mike agreed with a nod of his head, " She said every little girl wanted a doll that looked a bit like her to be her friend, her baby when playing house whatever. Most dolls didn't look like us though but she hoped Franklin would fill that gap."
Rama smiled and shook her head in disbelief " All those happy memories courtesy of mom and I never knew." She felt tears at the back of her eyes and had to take a few deep breaths to calm herself.
For a while they walked in silence along the path, their eyes easily picking the trail out in the darkness of the night.
" I remember, or I think I did that she bought me these wonderful dress up clothes at one time?" Rama spoke hesitantly as if she wasn't quite sure herself of that fact.
" Yes, that was when you were four years old, before she kidnapped you the first time. She dressed you up. Well you tore and cut up all the dress up clothes after that event" Mike replied, " I think you connected the dress up clothes to her and the way she snuck you out."
" Maybe" Rama admitted, " But you know dad I think that first time she took me she did it because she loved me."
" Loved you?" Mike repeated, " She didn't even know you. She was gone for four years of your life and then comes back only to…" Mike began to rant waving his arms about.
" I know that dad" Rama cut in, " But maybe when she saw me that time she you know, started to feel differently about me. Perhaps she finally felt a bit motherly towards me, and wanted to give me things that I couldn't have in the lair." Rama began her mind was on Gabby and her wild run that had happened partly due to the attack on her mother, and partly due to Leo insisting Gabby's daughter Mindy be trained even if it meant taking her from her mother and home to do so. " Maybe she felt she could give me a better life."
" Rama you couldn't lead a normal life topside and Shay couldn't hide you or protect you from those who would hurt you." Mike declared, " She was probably only taking you to exploit you. I never did get a straight story out of her when we caught up to her that night" Mike growled, " That is part of the reason why I told her to never come back."
" I know that. You know that dad but maybe Shay didn't stop to consider those things when she grabbed me that night" Rama pointed out.
" Maybe" Mike reluctantly agreed, " Some things we will never know Rama."
" I realize that dad." Rama agreed, " But I appreciate you talking about her and giving me a few other ideas of who she really was." Rama took his hand and squeezed it. " It means a lot to me dad.'
Mike turned and gazed into his daughter's face, he realized that she was growing up, she was more or less grown up, at nineteen years of age, now. Perhaps it was only natural for her to question about her mom, something Rama had never done or shown any interest in before now.
It was Mike realized a mark of her maturity, since coming home, wherever Rama had been there was no doubt that she had changed drastically while there. She had a whole new respect for Don and spent plenty of time with him learning eagerly anything he would teach her.
Causing his intelligent brother to declare " I only wish she had been like this back when I was instructing her!"
Don though seemed to enjoy her new interest in him and his projects.
That Mike knew was only one difference, the other was her many talks with Leo concerning trying to head topside or preparing the world for mutant turtles existence if nothing else. The time Rama spent with Splinter helping nurse and care for him in his age.
He didn't fully understand all these changes, it was like he was looking at a stranger who he knew should be his daughter. He had to wonder when she had grown up and how, or why she even had to?
Still he knew life could not be halted or stopped, much as he wished it could. Somewhere a long the line his daughter had grown up.
" You know something hon?" He asked almost reflectively.
" What dad?"
" I still have a few of your mom's old letters that she sent when you were a child. For so many years now I figured I ought to get rid of them, but something always prevented me from doing it." Mike shrugged, " Maybe a part of me knew that one day you would ask about her and perhaps I couldn't tell you what you needed to know, because time changes things." Mike confessed, " Perhaps somewhere in her letters you might find out what you really want to learn."
Rama turned staring at her dad in total disbelief, she had never thought that there would be any thing like that, and it truly might answer who Shay had once been because she knew her dad's feelings were now coloured by what Shay had done to the family.
" Oh dad you are wonderful, and I would love to see those letters. I really would."
" All right I'll find them when I get home." Mike decided.
" Thanks dad, it means so much to me." Rama agreed hugging him and giving him a quick peck on the cheek, " You really are the greatest!"
Mike laughed a little as he reached out to caress her face " Gosh Rama you have grown" he murmured almost wistfully, a hint of longing in his voice.
" Yeah, all grown up and waiting for the love of my life." Rama agreed.
" In forty or fifty years from now ought to be about right." Mike told her.
" Sooner" Rama insisted.
" All right thirty five years but that is as low as I go" Mike teased, only a part of him meant it.
" No sooner then that, much sooner" Rama replied.
" Well how soon were you thinking?" Mike asked, he was reasonable he could negotiate, to an extent.
" Very soon" Rama stated, as she took a deep breath knowing it was now or never.
TBC
