A/N: Sorry for the long delay, but I've been away on Spring Break and there was no way for me to get this thing done, as it was on my home computer. Hopefully Chapter 5 will be done in the next few days.

Chapter 4

Several weeks had passed, each day passing at an agonizingly slow rate as opposed to the first week's great rushes of time. Lily woke up each morning aching for the last night and for today's evening so that she could be alone with James. The need for secrecy and inconspicuousness gave their stolen midnight kisses an added thrill that made her shiver down to her toes.

As she sat in the Great Hall of Friday morning eating breakfast beside John, she looked up several times to chance glances at James. He sat with the Marauders, his head pushed forward slightly, his hair just as ruffled as ever, speaking with Remus.

Truth be told, Lily felt lost in this tsunami of emotion that had crashed down around her so suddenly a few weeks ago. She couldn't discern how she truly felt; everything just buzzed around in her mind, making her feel as if she were constantly spinning. Closing her eyes, she summoned up the image of James.

He was so handsome. Her lips curved up as she pictured him standing in the moonlight on their nightly patrols. Her heart fluttered softly with excitement and she relaxed.

Reopening her eyes, she looked for him again, and found herself faced with a rather unpleasant sight.

Paige had, during Lily's space out session, wandered over to where the Marauders were seated, and was presently leaning over James and flipping her blasted hair all over the place.

This prompted Lily to examine Paige closely. Her hair was a weaker version of Lily's intense red, a watered down muddy red brown, but was still very shiny. Her features were regular, giving the impression of a pretty face, but her eyes were very beautiful. They were an odd gray blue, and Lily couldn't help but wonder if Paige had used a charm to make them that color.

James laughed at whatever Paige had been saying, which further irritated Lily. She watched with squinted eyes as James continued to chat amicably with Paige. Lily was shocked, however, when James suddenly turned in his seat, meeting her eyes directly and cocked his head to indicate the doors out of the Great Hall.

Right now? Lily gaped at him before hurriedly nodding and, finishing her toast, began to collect her books and stuff them back haphazardly into her bag.

"Lily, where are you going? Breakfast only just started!" John looked up at her in confusion as she got up from the table, whipping back to stare at her boyfriend in obvious annoyance.

Breathing out a slight huff of air, Lily glanced back towards the Gryffindor table. She watched as James got up to go to leave, and became increasingly agitated.

"I have to go take care of Head business. Don't worry about it. I'll see you later." Without a glance back she rushed out, following James, and left John behind her.

(break)

James walked out the doors that lead to outside of Hogwarts and stood in the courtyard, waiting impatiently for Lily. He had his hands in the pockets of his robes and stared out at the lake, fidgeting his hands slightly and shaking them every so often.

He whirled around when he heard someone come outside, knowing perfectly well that it was Lily.

She was breathless, and he felt his heart wrench slightly as he watched her try to calm down, her chest heaving slightly as she walked more slowly towards him and dropped her bag on the ground along the way.

They were only six inches apart now, and heartbreakingly close. It was killing him; he was so tantalizingly near to her, watching her brights eyes which were so terribly inviting.

He stepped closer, hesitating slightly. He pulled her towards him slowly, and his breath was warm and soft against her ear. He started to kiss her neck gently, leaving a line of kisses up her throat to up along her jaw. He pushed her vivid hair off her shoulders and pulled away.

Lily leaned into him and smiled shyly.

He started when she did this and pulled further away, although he reached out to place his hands on her hips

"We should probably go somewhere slightly more discreet." He looked down at her with a cheeky smile. "The common rooms, maybe?"

She laughed, feeling so much lighter now that she was with him. "Alright. Maybe your dorms would be better though. Don't want someone to walk in on us." She gave him a sly look and turned, picking up her bag along the way.

James' grin broadened and he followed her. He hurried in order to draw level with her, and the pair walked side by side towards Gryffindor Tower.

(break)

Remus and Sirius stared as James left the room abruptly, soon followed by Lily.

Sirius shook his head side to side in disbelief. "I can't stand it! They're fucking all over each other! I can't believe they haven't shagged yet."

Remus cocked an eyebrow at his friend. "Just because they like each other doesn't mean they have to shag right away." He looked away and stared off into the distance. "Besides, I don't think that James is especially eager to shag any time soon. Especially not after the last fiasco."

Sirius shook his head from side to side, looking angry now. "That bitch. God, I hate her." He began to mutter incoherently under his breath.

Remus sighed in exhaustion. "He only liked Paige because she looked like, well…Lily. We all knew that: and he knew Paige knew that too. Not to say that what she did was right, but she was understandably upset."

Sirius glanced back up at Remus. "Do you think that Lily's still a virgin? I wonder how James would take it if she weren't."

"It would most definitely not be taken well." Remus put his head down into his hands. "He thinks that now that they're together, he should have every part of her. You know how he's like."

Yes, they both knew what James was like. He was loyal, he was proud, a natural leader, and immensely intelligent. He had an anti-lying complex, and he was also incredibly open with his feelings. Sometimes, that wasn't the best thing.

"Do you think James told Lily what happened with Paige?"

Remus groaned. "Somehow, I seriously doubt it. And somehow, I think he will- and very soon."

(break)

James and Lily entered the common room together and immediately began to kiss each other at an urgent tempo, both unwilling and afraid to let the other go. They stumbled towards the stairs of the boys' dormitories.

Hurrying upwards, the two reached the seventh year's dorms with James slightly in front and holding Lily's hand as they crashed against the door. Reaching frantically behind him, he managed to grab hold of the doorknob as Lily began to kiss him again and the door swung forward with a resounding crash as it hit the wall behind it. James and Lily nearly fell over and broke apart again.

Lily looked at James, with his lean, muscular frame, dark against the light of the lamp. He was eerily shadowed, the glow of the light colored the scarlet walls with a golden glow, illuminating everything around the lamp and nightstand.

It was hard to believe that only a little more than a month ago, she hadn't cared for him. How quickly things changed!

James stood tall and took a deep breath. His shoulders lifted and fell with his exhale, and he hesitated before pulling her against him.

He attempted to steady his breathing, and suddenly asked, "Lily, have you ever slept with anyone before?

As soon as the words had left his mouth, the pair simultaneously turned bright red.

"I-I-" Lily stopped speaking, with fear evident in her eyes. She suddenly got up and went to the door. Turning around she muttered, "We have to go to class." She suddenly spun around again and left the room without waiting, leaving James behind her, his face now blanched and his nostrils slightly flared. He looked around for his books quickly and darted out of the room without closing the door behind him.

(break)

Sirius watched as James and Lily hurried in to the Transfiguration classroom. Her face was down and unreadable. But James on the other hand…

His face betrayed no emotion, except for a slightly tense jaw. As he approached the table that Sirius sat at, his friend looked into James' unseeing eyes, and was shocked by the level of fear was there. There was something else too. Something cracked and sparked with animosity and jealousy, giving his eyes a cold, hard glint.

Sirius turned away with a shiver of fear and turned to Remus, who sat beside him. Remus was watching James as well, and looked obviously disturbed by the look in James' eye.

Remus turned to Sirius now, and gave him a significant look.

What the hell?

(break)

James sat impatiently in his chair, looking down at his wristwatch every few minutes. It was History of Magic now, and he was bored out of his mind. Lunch was next, and he was eager to go relax outside by the lake and get some time to think on his own.

Suddenly, Professor Binns said, "Class Dismissed!" and James jerked his head up, his hair flopping into his eyes. He whipped out of his desk and rushed out of the doors, hurrying outside.

He'd avoided looking at Lily all morning. He wasn't sure if he could handle it. The look on her face that morning had made it infinitely clear that she had slept with someone before, and while he had as well, for some reason, he was disappointed.

Admit it, you had hopes. Don't kid yourself. You wanted to be her first.

The one thing that James hated most was a coward.

So I wanted to be her first, big deal. It's not as if I've never slept with anyone before- and I'm the one who kept pledging my undying affection for her before. I've got her now, and that's all that matters.

But he didn't really. James continued walking until he reached the grassy shores of the lake. Sitting down underneath a large tree, he plunked his books down unceremoniously beside him and gazed out across the blue waters.

The sun had come out, and the bright light reflected across the glassy water, shimmering and dancing in front of his face. A single ray of light seemed to trickle from the sun, a delicate tendril that stretched to flow across James' handsome, tired face and continued on to pool around him as if it were a halo, giving his skin a beautiful, ethereal glow.

The thoughts running through his head, however, were not nearly so ideally picturesque.

He felt as if his mind had become a dark labyrinth that he had to weave through, with dark ideas and images bombarding him and tripping him up and launching themselves at him from every which way.

First and foremost on his mind was Lily. She haunted him, trailed behind his every move, always one step behind him in his head.

James hung his head in the kind of despair and angst that only a hormonal teenager was capable of. He felt terribly unsure of himself. Lily still hadn't broken up with John, and James couldn't help but feel inadequate. What was so difficult or trying about being in a relationship with just him? What did John have that he didn't?

He closed his eyes and vanished into the maze of his mind. He allowed himself to be enveloped by a blanket of nothingness. It was a brief respite from the winding circle of thought he had fallen into step with.

(break)

James did not return for his afternoon class. In fact, no one saw him until supper was over. Once all the plates had cleared away magically, everyone sat around, chatting amicably and gossiping.

Suddenly, the doors swung open and James stumbled in, looking tired and disoriented. His hair was even more disorganized than ever, and his face was pale, making him look ill. The razor sharpness of his cheekbones cast a dark shadow over his gaunt cheeks, and he looked especially haggard. He quickly scanned the tables for his best friends, and upon seeing them, walked over.

He sat down stiffly on the wooden seat, and said in short, clipped words, "I'm going to tell her that we can't be together anymore."

Three jaws dropped simultaneously.

"I'm sick of her fucking with my mind."

If possible, the three jaws dropped even lower.

"Where is she?"

There was no answer.

"Well fine, I'll just tell her on patrol. Which is…now. Okay, see you guys later."

James abruptly left the table, leaving his friends dazed and confused.

"What the FUCK!"

"When has James ever said something negative about Lily? Merlin, that was fucking insane."

"I don't believe it. It's not true. It was just a temporary hallucination. Yea, that's right. A temporary lapse in sanity."

Remus looked at Sirius. "And there we were thinking he would confess about Paige and win her over and shag and be all happily ever after."

Remus, Sirius, and Peter looked at each other, groaned and said simultaneously, "Yea, right."

(break)

Lily and James walked down the corridor silently. Neither spoke for a long time, merely going through the motions of checking the halls for misbehaving students.

Lily felt immensely cold at this sudden reversion to their behavior from several weeks ago. She shuddered, feeling James' tension imbuing the air surrounding him.

He suddenly turned towards her, grabbing her by the shoulders and rasped out hoarsely, "We can't do this anymore Lily. I can't do this. It's not right." His gaze was enormously intense, and she felt as if he were boring holes into her skull, charring her skin and burning through her skull. She imagined herself suddenly burning up, leaving behind nothing except for a small pile of ash.

What the fuck? Snap out of it.

James was still talking. "I don't want to talk to you or- or- or be with you if I can help it until you break up with John. But you're Head Girl so we have to get along." His voice had become weaker, and his explanation was becoming longwinded. He sounded nonsensical and slightly maddened. He was no longer looking at her. Instead James was shooting glances up and down the corridor, as if afraid of what he might see on Lily's face.

"Alright."

James jerked in shock. "Alright?"

"Yes, alright. We'll stop." Lily had her eyes on James' face, but somehow he felt as if she were gazing through him, and not at him.

He carefully analyzed her face, and was shocked to see the difference there. He had not taken the time recently to look at her this closely. She was still immensely beautiful, but right now, she looked lackluster. Her eyes were dull and half lidded in exhaustion.

"Good-bye." She removed herself from his grasp and walked quietly down the hall. The only noise came from the tap of her heels on the floor. James watched her head for the dormitories and when she turned the corner and disappeared from his vision, he turned and headed off to finish the patrol.

Somehow, he didn't feel as free as he'd imagined. She still had her spell on him.

(break)

Lily lay half awake in her bed. The maroon drapery that she normally reveled in for their gift of privacy seemed suffocating tonight, and in a fit of activity, she pulled them apart and burst up from her bed and lurched towards the window.

She had used to share this dorm with the rest of the girls in her year, but as Head Girl, she had been allowed to use it on her own.

She appreciated the fact that she could be alone, but right now she felt lonely. Undoing the latch and flinging open the window, she looked out across the grounds and put her chin into her hands with her elbows on the windowsill.

A cold gust of wind blew into the room, whipping around her ankles and flowing up underneath the large t-shirt she was wearing.

Lily felt vulnerable standing there, and she shivered and hunched her shoulders up towards her ears.

She wondered if she would even feel this strong urge for James if she were single. Maybe she only liked him because she wasn't supposed to have him. It would help if she could think up a decent explanation for this sudden, rapid turn of events and emotions since the school year had started. It sickened her slightly, knowing that she could change her feelings on such a whim, so easily and without a backwards glance. The fact that she had disliked James for all these years had slipped away into oblivion after she had seen him again this year. She felt silly and hypocritical. Perhaps it had been a good idea for James to end their non- sort of- semi- kind of- quasi- relationship. Perhaps he had seen for himself how unable she was of making a decision and sticking to it. Perhaps he had lost his respect for her.

Which was fine, because she didn't really deserve it anyways.

Review Responses:

Greengrl: Ah! Yes! Glad that you enjoyed the kiss. I was afraid to make it too stand-outy, but it worked alright in the end. John in so annoying. I agree. I hate him already, and I'm the one writing this damn thing.

Hpjsr: I'm glad you liked the shower scene! I really worked hard on that. Hahaha, I grinned like an idiot while WRITING the kissing scene. I am such an idiot.

Boy-Crazy-Bookworm: I'm glad you like the story, but your comment got cut off. Please ask whatever it was again!

JKR: I looked through it and you're right. I don't know if I should use their ideas though. Kind of plagiarism, you know?

Chickenz A Lot: Haha thanks for the bawk, sorry for not updating sooner, but I went away and hadn't finished!

Alex C. Potter: Lily will do her best. Since the story is based upon my life, I'll have to see if I take "poetic licensing" with the facts.

Daman 5: Thanks very much.

Give iN289: Thank you, I'm glad it was pretty! Now here's the next chappie!

MrsJessPotter: I'm sorry I let you down! This chapter gave me so much trouble, and I couldn't finish before I left for my trip.

Padfoot'sPrettier: Thanks, I'm glad you like my writing.

Celina Black: AUUGH I still don't understand your email addy. Is it just supposed to end at "?" I am so mortified.

Sarinelini: Hmm, I'm interested, please elaborate! I'd love for you to be my beta! The more betas, the better. I have an explanation as to why things went so fast … coming up below! John is very underdeveloped because I think it's better for him to be barely mentioned. Lily doesn't think of him as a person, she just thinks of him as an object. He is in that way, very wooden and unresponsive to her because she isn't even trying to gauge a reaction.

Jasu: I agree with you. Cliché stories suck. I appreciate your compliments!

Amber Tinted: I like your poetic riffs! Haha, I hope you don't get tired of my fic.

Bondariana: The Much Anticipated Kiss Association's critiques are well received! Thank you!

Strawberry'd: I think this story will be longer than I first anticipated to get to a proper finish… like the one you're talking about. No promises!

Lady Snowmoon: There will be an explanation for that, since I've gotten this review quite a few times.

EmotionalSoul: This story is being kept going!

EXPLANATION: OK folksies, here's my reasoning for why the story is moving quickly, emotionally, developmentally, or otherwise:

Like I've stated previously, this fic is directly correlated with events that have occurred in my own life. I'm writing it how I saw it. Also, Lily's emotions did not change from hate to love or whatever. She didn't hate him, and she doesn't love him. She'd sort of forgotten to hate him, as I said in my first chap (I think, if I didn't than I'm frightfully sorry), and she got attracted to him. She was just ignoring him, really. Now she has noticed him and feelings have taken flight. No love yet!

Developmentally, it's rushing through because that's the way life happens for me. Life rushes by in swoops and drops, catching us off-guard and hurling us into the unknown, which we sometimes enjoy, and sometimes don't. It really is all a rollercoaster ride, as that old platitude says, and we're all taking a ride. I will try to slow it down if my readers don't think it makes sense, because I know that the story is very tangled.

Thanks.