A/N: Here it is! Woo-hoo! Gotta love it. Has anyone here read Sloppy Firsts and/ or Second Helpings by Megan McCafferty? Because I'm addicted. Wow, they are so amazingly spot on with how I feel.

Just so you all know…this may become a two-fic piece. It may end up being a lot more complicate than I had planned. So this first fic may end with a lady and the tiger sort of thing.

Last note: this chapter has a scene that some of you may find uncomfortable. Lily has sex, and while it's not graphic or anything, it is definitely emotionally different from what is usually presented in fanfics like this. You have chosen to read a piece that is rated M, so you're getting what you ask for. Don't read it if you feel uncomfortable with sex scenes.

Chapter 5

Lily woke up with a jerk. She opened her eyes and realized with a start just how quickly and unevenly she was breathing.

She had dreamed that she was flying, and suddenly, very terribly she had dropped. She clearly remembered the feeling of her gut dropping, and how suddenly she had stopped. She lay still on her back, breathing deeply, concentrating on how it felt to have her chest rise and fall.

Just breath, she thought to herself. It's OK. Just breath. You can do that much.

(break)

James sat up in his bed, leaning his head up against the backboard. The odd angle of his neck to his back (his head upright, his back slouched and not aligned) was giving him pain, but he didn't move. He stared down at his hands on his covers. They were interlocked and he fiddled his thumbs on top of his clasped fingers.

He still wanted Lily so badly. He knew that for a fact; he would never try to deny it, especially not to himself. There was no way in hell, though, that he was going to be the third wheel and fuck around with someone else's girlfriend. He had more pride than that.

Right?

Oh Merlin, I am so fucking stupid. Why the hell did I end it?

He steeled himself against the ache of his chest and closed his eyes, his hands now separated and balled into tight fists, gripping the covers. His face tilted up and he grimaced.

You wanted her to tell you not to. You wanted her to beg for you.

Fool. Lily would never beg.

(break)

Lily walked into the dining hall a little later than usual, and started walking towards her usual spot next to John. She kept her gaze focused solely on John, being careful not to look towards James. She didn't think she could deal with seeing him being so carefree, especially when she cared too much for him.

She sat down next to her boyfriend silently, without saying a greeting.

"How are you? How was your sleep?" John smiled at her gently.

It wasn't as if John were a bad boyfriend. He didn't bother her, and all they'd done was kiss casually since they'd started going out. The problem was the whole situation lacked any sort of passion whatsoever. It didn't make her feel any better knowing that the person that she did feel any sort of passion for whatsoever was sitting within a hundred feet of her.

OK, that was it.

She got up from the table and, ignoring John's protests, walked straight over to the Gryffindor table. She started down the long table, walking until she reached James.

Sirius and Remus, sitting across from James, looked up at Lily in shock. James turned around to see what was bothering his friends and jumped slightly when he saw who was behind him.

With his face scrunched slightly in consternation, he said, "Erm…Lily you realize your boyfriend is … over there? And… well…"

She pointed to the vacant seat beside him. "May I sit there?"

James looked at her for a long, long time. "It's empty." His voice was lower now, huskier, making her stiffen, reminding her of his shallow breathing whenever they kissed. "Go ahead."

She lowered herself slowly onto the seat. She started to fill her plate quickly and sat calmly across from Remus. As she ate, she carefully and deliberately refrained from saying a single thing to the Marauders, although she spoke with several other students sitting nearby.

James sat stiffly, as rigid as a board, and sat perfectly still with his hand still wrapped around his fork, hovering over his plate. His eyes stared fixedly at a small part of his pancakes that he had been about to eat.

What the heck was she doing? She was making him feel so distracted; she was too mesmerizing. He was supposed to be letting her go and here she was in front of him, close enough to wrap his arms around her. He sat and watched her talk with the rest of the Gryffindors, watching her talk about school and silly things. Her back was to him, and for that he was grateful. He admired the slope of her slim shoulders and the beautiful red hair that coursed down her back like a waterfall.

Without warning, and without hesitation, Lily suddenly turned around and looked at James.

He was caught off guard and jerked back slightly, as if frightened that she might hit him.

Her lips curved up into a smile and she looked at him dead on. For several seconds they just sat there watching each other and Lily felt herself warming up under the gaze of his dark, intense eyes.

Lily moved every so slightly so that her leg was fully pressed up against his. She put her hand on his knee, a little innocent gesture, that right now, was too much for him to handle without saying something about it.

"Lily- don't."

She kept her face trained on his, and watched him without a trace of emotion on her face.

"I wasn't doing anything." Her voice was cool and even, distant and detached. "I wasn't doing anything at all." With that, she got up and left.

(break)

James sat there for a moment, trying to process what had happened, what she had said to him. And then, he ran out the hall after her.

"Lily!"

She turned around so fast that it was gratifying. She'd wanted him to follow her all right.

"Lily- oh, shit." He raised his hands to his forehead, and pressed his palms into his eyes, fingers barely threaded through his scruffy black hair. "I can't believe this. It's been what, ten hours since I told you that I didn't want to be with you? Fuck, ten lousy fucking hours and I can't stay away…" His voice drifted off and he looked at her, apprehension evident.

However, she didn't hesitate. In two steps she was standing right in front of him, and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning her head against his torso.

He could feel the soft, fluttery breaths she was letting out against his shirt and pressed his lips down on top of her head.

This was enough for now. All he needed was to be with her.

(break)

Paige watched Lily walk out of the hall. Her slim mouth turned down into a not-so-pretty frown, and her eyes glared daggers into Lily's back.

Turning back to her food, she proceeded to stab into a piece of fruit with her fork, turning the poor slice of cantaloupe into a shapeless, orange blob.

It was obvious that something was going on between James and Lily. There was a frisson of sexual tension between them that was impossible to ignore.

The thing that confused Paige, however, was that Lily was such a good girl. Sure, she had hung out all the time with the cool, older students, but she had always had that outward appearance of the perfect student, all preppiness and pretty smiles. But if Paige's guesses were correct, Lily was cheating on her boyfriend, John, who was one of the most lusted for guys in the school, with James, who was quite possibly the most lusted for guy in school.

Christ, the bitch was lucky.

What the hell did Lily Evans have that made her so goddamn irresistible? Or, more point blank, why the fuck did Lily have James?

Maybe because she's gorgeous?

Damn it, I want him back so badly.

Paige slumped down into her seat, pouting and upset.

I had him first.

He should be mine.

(break)

The Christmas ornaments in the halls glinted cheerily as Lily rushed to meet James for their patrol. She was grinning with anticipation, remembering what he had said today to her in the halls.

"I want you." His voice had been a deep husky whisper, thick with passion and his hand had gone around her waist, stroking her back as he had walked by her in the crowded Potions supply closet. With that, he had grinned so infuriatingly lightly and sauntered off, leaving her with bated breath and watching his mesmerizing stride, emphasized by– oh dear- his amazing arse.

They did that often, whispering to each other discreetly when others would not notice them, and she would often feel his hand pressed up against her stomach or back as he walked by, a gentle caress that would remind her of him, and leave her shivering in delight.

And she had still not broken up with John. She didn't know why the hell she was putting it off, seeing as she couldn't give less of a crap about him. But for some reason, whenever she opened up her mouth to break up with him, she would feel a leaden sense of guilt, and shut her mouth again.

It was a never-ending, painful cycle of churning uneasiness that kept her from breaking up with him. After she spent time with James, she would feel victorious and strong enough to break up with John. But, as always, when approaching her real boyfriend, she weakened with disgust at herself, feeling obliged to date John because she owed him, she was so bad, and she had to stay with him.

What an idiotic way to live. What a stupid, pointless relationship.

Her physical relationship with John had progressed slowly, and she had just let him kiss her and touch her sometimes, not really wanting it, but she couldn't think of reasons as to why he couldn't. Nothing very serious, of course, that was all reserved for James, but she knew that James hated her being with John still, and she tried mightily to keep James from doing anything.

"Just wait a little longer. I can't yet, but soon…"

And she would break up with John soon. She knew she would. At break, she would cut off all ties, and then it would be over.

It would all be over, and she could have James.

(break)

It was nearly Christmas break now, and James felt jumpy with excitement pending the oncoming holidays. James waited impatiently for Lily in front of the Transfiguration classroom. He had been serving detention, and was now jumpy, because all he'd done was think of her. The whole time.

He saw her then, rushing down the hall, cheeks pink with exertion and smiling happily. It lifted his heart, seeing her like that and he walked towards her as well, a slightly self- deprecating smile spreading across his face, and his hands thrust into his pockets.

"Hi, you," she gasped, her voice breathy and soft. She laughed and fell into him, immediately reaching up to kiss his neck and jaw.

He chuckled as well, replying, "Hey, yourself." He put his finger under her chin, tilting her head up to kiss her firmly on the lips. "Ready to go patrolling?"

She groaned, pouting outrageously. "No…but do I have a choice?"

"Want to go walk around the lake afterwards?" Say yes, say yes, say yes…

Lily quirked her eyebrows up, green eyes twinkling mischievously. "Well, well, well…bad boy James Potter is on the rampage. I'll come with you. As long as you can make sure we don't get caught."

He pressed his lips together, trying not to smile. "Oh, that I can guarantee."

(break)

Lily sat impatiently at the foot of the stairs to the boys' dormitories. James had instructed her to sit there, saying that he would be back shortly.

It had now been twenty-five minutes.

Twenty-five terrifying minutes of whirling thought.

All she had been able to think about was James. James kissing her, caressing her, pressed up so tightly that it hurt: it was difficult to breath whenever these thoughts crossed her mind.

They hadn't slept together yet, mostly because she was too afraid. She'd had sex only once, and the experience had been less than ideal, and she let her mind drift back and remember.

(break)

It was a dry, hot summer day, and the sun was drifting towards the horizon, bringing on the darkness. Lily sat on the beach, a glass of tequila in her hand. Her skin was a nice tan and everything around her seemed to shine with the brassy, golden light reserved for the inebriated. Her drink, her skin, the ocean- it all possessed a smoldering brightness that comforted her. The air around her was all enveloping and encompassing. She felt cushioned and safe in her drunkenness, and grinned at the shy, good-looking boy beside her.

She wanted to convey her happiness, her confidence in that smile. She felt so relaxed and happy. It was summer! No school to worry over, no stupid magic rules. Here she was, at a muggle teenage party, sitting next to a handsome boy who was her first candidate for her Devirginator.

She chuckled to herself at that name that she had created. The whole idea behind coming to this party had been to Get Laid. That way, she figured, she could just get the whole messy, painful act done with and behind her. Just find someone, anyone really, who was hot enough to sleep with and just get it over with. No attachment, no involvement to complicate things.

Leaning into the boy sitting beside her (Tom? Or was it Todd?) she slurred out a drunken proposal. "Wanna go shag inside?"

After that, everything was a hazy, Technicolor-ed blur, all the words spoken and the walk to the house blending together into a wonderful dreamland. Everything was indistinguishable from one thing to the next, all of it a mush, a swirl of dizzying pictures and words.

She and the boy (Maybe Tex? Or Ted?) stumbled together up the stairs and into a bedroom, falling onto each other and landing on the soft mattress.

At this point, her drink was wearing off, and she was getting a terrible headache, starting to regret coming up here, and hoping to go home. She stuck it out regardless; wanting to just finish it off, just get it out of the way.

Cross if off the "To do List."

Ha, in more ways than one.

Everything about the whole procedure was awkward, from the way his bumbling fingers undid her shirt and bra to the way she struggled out of her skirt. How shy they were! They bumped foreheads painfully when the both tried to pull of his shirt, and she forgot, temporarily, how to work a zipper when faced with the prospect of undoing his. When they were finally naked except for her knickers and his boxers, they found themselves exhausted from the exertion of undressing each other.

Just do it. You can do it. Just a little bit longer.

Struggling against the growing urge to sleep, she reached over and tugged at the waistband of his boxers. There was nothing affectionate about it, just a business-like way to remove what was in her path.

Her warpath, more like.

He too was pulling off her panties. When he'd taken them off, he held them to the side for a moment, placing his hand on her hip as he tried to direct himself in between her legs. He was inept and unsure of his actions, trying not to touch her with his embarrassing erection. For some reason, all she was able to look at were her knickers, dangling by his side, a soft, pale pink, so innocent. She had tried so hard not to cry, but she didn't know if she could hold out much longer.

There was no foreplay, just the ungainly shove of his hips into hers, and it hurt badly when he pushed in at first. He was jerky and obviously unskilled. He continued to yank himself in and out, in and out, and eventually she just forgot what was happening, just keeping her gaze on the ceiling, pretending she was doing something else, feeling hopelessly vacant and unfulfilled.

There was none of the spectacular orgasm and pleasure that her friends had raved about. When it was done, he redressed and left, and she stayed behind in the bedroom for a while, before getting dressed as well and stumbling back to her family's vacation home. She remembered walking by her father and mumbling an excuse for her lateness, thinking to herself, I'll never be the same again. I'll never be his little girl anymore.

I'm so dirty.

I'm so dirty.

And with that she had climbed up the stairs to her room and collapsed in a heap of tears and self-disgust.

No longer a girl, perhaps, but still a long way to being the promised woman.

(break)

James came down the stairs at last, holding onto his invisibility cloak, worried for keeping Lily waiting.

As he opened his mouth to explain Sirius' bad mood, he was shocked to see that she was crying.

"Lily, what-?"

She turned her face towards him and whispered softly, "You know I love you, right?"

His heart thudded inside his ribcage, and he murmured, "I don't understand."

She turned away and said quietly, "I just want you to know I love you, OK?"

He sat beside her. "Lily, look at me."

She did, facing him, her eyes giving him her heart. He could feel her pain, right then.

"I love you Lily."

She collapsed against him then and he dropped the cloak to the ground and just held her like that for a long, long time.

A/N: Ahhhhhh finis….. That chapter was damn difficult. I stopped in the middle of the week and deleted the whole second half before doing it over again. I hope none of you found the flashback too painful.

Be prepared! This story is not fluffy! Not happy, not exactly angsty, but it is not all happy and ooooh I love you crap. Just so you all know.

And I wanted to say I had an idea for a Ginny/Harry. They'd be out of Hogwarts though. Hm….

Review Responses

Rose Angelz: Haha, she's got a guilt complex, that's why she's stupid.

Ice-princess2515: Was it? Hmm that's surprising, because I thought it might have been too clichéd. Glad it wasn't though.

Blueslusher48: Yes! I'm glad you understand the fast-paced thing. I wish life would slow down though, damn it!

Yuna: Haha, glad that it's far from crap. Thanks tres much!

Alex C. Potter: Thanks, I feel particularly bad for James though, it must suck to be the third wheel.

EmotionalSoul: Wouldn't it be nice if John disappeared miraculously? Damn, I'm starting to wish that he would.

Norah Isobel: Thanks for the review…last chappie I think I had an explanation as to why it was so fast. If you didn't see it that is. And if you still feel that way, please tell me why in more detail, and if I get convinced, I may change the story.

Greengrl: James has! Hahaha, but I don't know more abuse the poor guy can take.

Strawberry'd: John is basically a nonentity. He's a pointless guy who Lily sees in only one way because she couldn't give less of a crap. There's no point in developing him because he's just an object.

Green Eggs and Ham: Thanks for loving it. I love your name by the way. Dr. Seuss kicks ass.

Aligandahouse: Love the expression, lol. James isn't STUPID, he's just feeling very put out because Lily won't break up with him.

Amber Tinted: Haha, I'm glad you get why he tried to end it.

Kristanna: No guarantees, but I'm thinking of making this a two part story. Hmmm

Bondariana: I would love to join your organization. Lol, no I do not take the whole thing too seriously, don't worry. I'm sorry I didn't live up to the follow-up.

JKR: Lily doesn't have very many good friends. She's more of casual acquaintances with everyone because all her good friends were in the older years. Thanks for the comments about the real life thing. I'm trying to keep it that way.