Worst Villains Ever
Episode 2 : Damn You E-Bay
Scene opens in Jill's room who is studying in the evening by lamplight. Suddenly the lamp flickers and a scream is heard from in the underground lair.-
Jill:
"Can you guys keep it down! Please!"
-Pans to Canada in the lair holding two electrodes and Kevin strapped to a table-
Canada:
"Sorry Jill." He shocks Kevin and he screams. "And what did we learn today?"
Kevin:
gasp "That Jessie James isn't good role model."
Canada:
"And why is that?"
Kevin:
"Cause he burned things?"
Canada:
"WRONG!" Shocks Kevin yet again
-Pans back to Jill in her room-
Jill:
slams her head onto her book "I hate those guys so much."
Scene goes to the next morning. Rei was just reached the sidewalk from the temple grounds. Jill approaches from the house and sees Rei
Jill:
"Hey Rei!"
Rei:
"Hi Jill! How are you?"
Jill:
"I'm fine. Do you need a ride to school; my friend will be driving me."
Rei:
"Well if you're offering?"
Canada comes out of no where and walks by to the El Camino
Canada:
"Yes she is, now lets go."
Canada is in the driver seat while Jill is shotgun with Rei in the back. Canada starts the car and it zooms with a major burst of speed. He makes really sharp turns nearly flipping the car. Rei's school is seen
Rei:
"There it is! To the right!"
Canada turns right, hits the median and flies into the parking lot landing in a parting spot. Rei stumbles out of the car. Canada and Jill wave out the car's window as it drives away. A girl walks up to Rei
Girl:
"Are you ok?"
Rei:
"I don't ever want to be in a car again as long as I live."
Scene goes back to Kevin in the lair still strapped to the table. A rat runs pass him on the floor
Kevin:
to the rat "Hey! Where ya go? …… Please help. I need someone to free me." starts to pout "Why, why, why was I born to endure such embarrassment?" A large rat falls on him "…Hi their lil guy." rat hisses at Kevin. Kevin starts to cry like a little bitch
-Scene goes to Canada driving, after dropping Jill off, and then parking on the street then gets out of the car and walks to a near by news stand. New looks over many of the magazines and books there. He then stops and goes back to a piece of paper that says: "Blow up your neighbor! Former USSR weapons, US tanks, and free copies of Kitchen Bombs for Dummies."-
Canada: Eyes widen
"RUSSIAN! They make the good shit! grabs the paper and goes to paper at the stand How much is this?"
Teller:
"It's only a flyer, take it."
-Canada runs back to his car and drives off. He has the paper in his hand trying to read the directions to the place. He arrives and there is a bunch of military and police beating the crap out of everyone. Canada just keeps on drive pass the former weapon cache. He gets back to the house and there is Kevin at the kitchen table eating cereal-
Canada:
"How the hell did you get out of that?"
Kevin:
pause"… Jesus?"
Canada:
"You're an idiot"
Kevin:
"I know. But I'm still way smarter than lets say- YOU!"
Canada:
"Dude. Why are you hatin'?"
Kevin:
"Cause while I was strapped to a table I had an idea. That we both like the concept of revenge. And what good would it do if we so merely use this rage against each other? I propose that we, you and I, team up an-"
Canada:
"We live together we're already teamed up."
Kevin:
pause "DON"T FUCKING INTERUPT ME! And use our abilities to-"
Canada:
"What abilities?"
Kevin:
"SILENCE! Use our abilities to do extreme amounts of evil and take over and/or destroy the Earth!" Does an evil sounding laugh
Canada:
pause "…How come when I come up with a plan you shoot it down? Yet when your ass comes up with a plan we just have to do it?"
Kevin:
"Are you in or not?"
Canada:
"Hell yeah I'm in. Still we need heroes to fight against us in our pursuit of evil. Not to mention that there might already be a local evil doer, if there are heroes in this area that is."
Kevin:
"So what? We dethrone the evil doer and put ourselves into power. Then we fight the guys for control of earth."
Canada:
"How did you come up with this idea any ways?"
Kevin:
"Jebb the magic rat told me."(1)
Canada:
pause "…I always knew you were crazy."
-Scene goes to Jill in a class with chemicals and a burner on a table. She is accompanied with Serena. A female teacher is in the front of the class instructing them-
Teacher:
"Since I really don't care anymore about you stupid idiots here's some chemicals… go wild."
Jill:
raises her hand "Can we add other stuff that we have on hand like lotion?"
Teacher:
"Sure- JUST NOT HAIR SPRAY! I don't want people getting hurt."
-Jill starts to pour chemicals into test tubes and heating them. Mixing and heating until the chemicals get into one rather large test tube being heated on a low flame-
Jill:
"Now we have to wait a bit for it to heat at the right temperature."
Serena:
"Do you know what you're doing?"
Jill:
"I think it's pretty clear that I do! I did learn how to do this particular combo by my friend Kevin."
Serena:
"Do you now what its gonna do?"
Jill:
eyes widen for remembering something "Crap do you have lotion?"
Serena:
"Yeah, why?"
Jill:
"Cause the reaction needs the stuff that lotion has in it." Serena hands Jill the bottle of lotion. Jill pulls out a balloon. "And El Kevo said 'Let there be pancakes.'" Jill squeezes some of the lotion in the test tube and then quickly puts the balloon over the test tube. The balloon starts to fill up with a gas and the contents inside turn into a golden goop. Jill turns off the burner, removes the balloon and tied it off and then pours the golden goop onto the table
Serena:
"What the hell are you doing!"
Jill:
"I'm making plastic explosive. What else does it look like I'm doing? Now what am I gonna do with this balloon?"
Serena:
"Why don't we pop it?"
Jill:
"NO! Kevin told me that the stuff in the balloon will explode if someone pops it!"
Serena:
"DUH! It's a balloon!" (2)
Jill:
"No, it's like a fucking bomb."
Serena:
"Wow… umm… that's kina bad." Jill scoops up the stuff on the table and splits half of it with Serena "Is this really explosive?"
Jill:
"That's what Kevin said. For all I know it can be bubble gum or glue."
-The teacher grabs the balloon from Jill's hands and walks up to the front of the class with it in hand-
Teacher:
"And what did I say about having fun in class? This is not acceptable." She takes out a pin. Jill slowly slides to hide under her table. The other students follow Jill's lead and begin to hide. The teacher notices what going on. "Come now! It's not like it's go-" she pops the balloon and there is a big explosion
-Scene goes to Jill, Serena, Amy, and Lita walking on the sidewalk after an early dismissal from school-
Lita:
"Thanks Jill for getting us an early dismissal from school."
Amy:
"You're just saying that cause you didn't do that paper you were suppose to do. And Serena just doesn't do any homework what so ever."
Serena:
"Shut up Amy! You think you're sooooo smart. pause Ok, fine! So you're smart but who's the leader of the Sailor Scouts!"
Jill:
pause "…The what?"
Serena:
"Umm… nothing" insecure laugh "Really nothing."
Jill:
"What's the Sa-?"
Serena:
puts hand over Jill's mouth "We'll talk about these later, ok?" Jill nods "I just hope no one was listening."
-Off of the scene we hear a male voice-
Male Voice:
"Oh I'm sorry."
-pans to a silhouette of a man in a pitch-black room gazing into a crystal ball that picks up from the end of the former scene-
Man:
"I wasn't supposed to listen?" obligatory evil laugh
-The lights turn on and the man quickly grabs his eyes in pain. The man is wearing cliché black ropes with red trim. The man that turned on the light is in a blue jumpsuit and appears to be a henchman-
Man:
"Damnit! What did I say about doing that when I'm in here?"
Henchman:
"Sorry Steve."(3)
Man:
"What did I tell youabout calling me Steve?"
Henchman:
unenthusiastic "Sorry… Lord Armageddon." (4)
Armageddon:
"That's better. Prepare the transport vehicle for-"
Henchman:
"You mean the van?"
Armageddon:
"Of coarse that's what I mean you fuck head!"
-Scene goes to Kevin in a gun shop at the front desk and is looking very nervous. A man comes up to the desk and engages into conversation with Kevin-
Kevin:
"Hi, uh, I need some high quality weaponry and ammunition."
Clerk:
"What you see is what we got."
Kevin:
insecure laugh "No, I mean the highest quality."
Clerk:
pauses and sighs "You don't know the lingo do you?"
Kevin:
"Not a clue."
Clerk:
"You have to say that you're looking for "screws.""
Kevin:
"Ok… 'I'm looking for some screws.'"
-The clerk walks away and waves Kevin to follow him. The clerk walks into a closet-
Kevin:
"Whoa! That's not what I meant. I don't want to you in that way! I just want your illegal weapons!"
Clerk:
"… Just get in here."
-Kevin walks in. The clerk pushes a button and the closet goes down like an elevator in an under cache-
Kevin:
"Does everyone and their damn mother have this kind of basement?"
Clerk:
"You have one too? I thought I got lucky."
Kevin:
"Hmm… I wonder if there was a villain convention and there was a fire and they all died leaving their lairs and shit behind?"
Clerk:
"Let's hope so."
-When the elevator hits the bottom the translucent doors open and Kevin runs out like a retard at Chucky Cheese-
Kevin:
"Well you have RPGs, M-16s, and a fucking MIG how the hell did you get a fucking MIG!"
Clerk:
"The Internet."
Kevin:
"Hmm… I'm guessing you got it from E-Bay or something. Do you anything in a handgun type?"
-Clerk walks to a box. He picks it up, sets it on a table and opens it. He pulls out a very big six shooter then he grabs a small box of bullets that says twelve on it-
Kevin:
"What the hell is that?"
Clerk:
"This, my friend, is Soviet grade-A destroyer pistol. It shots six two-centimeter diameter rounds. Only three were ever made, Stalin was one of the men to have it and the other was melted down to make the Berlin wall."
Kevin:
"Two fucking centimeters! One bullet can take out eight people!"
Clerk:
"It was designed to take out fucking tanks! Not to mention that the rounds are explosive, I think it could take out a city."
Kevin:
"It is the god of all pistols."
Clerk:
"Hells yeah."
Kevin:
"How much?"
Clerk:
"Nothing you can give me can make me give this to you."
Kevin:
hands the clerk a piece of paper with a bunch of numbers on it "Those numbers are the codes to get into a Russian missile silo."
Clerk:
"What kind of missiles?"
Kevin:
"Think Russian."
Clerk:
smiles "I think we have a deal."
-Scene goes to Serena, Amy, Lita, Rei and Mina in near a large fountain in a park at night-
Serena:
"That was great movie."
Amy:
"We should've invited Jill."
Rei:
"Yeah, but you know that we'll have to talk to those weird friends of hers."
Amy:
"True, but I still think it would've been nice to ask."
Rei:
"Fine, you talk to those crazy S-O-Bs."
Amy:
"What have those guys done to you?"
Rei:
"Don't ask. They're up all night and sleep all day; they're like the stupid Goth kids. Minus the good clothing and acting intelligent."
-A male laugh is heard from off from what we see-
Lita:
"Who's there?"
Armageddon's voice:
"Someone who knows who you are."
-Armageddon appears on the opposite side of the fountain with three henchmen-
Armageddon:
"Haha, now I have you exactly where I want you. Now get ready for your destruction."
-a long pause happens-
Armageddon:
"Well?"
Mina:
"That has to be the worse villain line I've ever heard."
Lita:
"Yeah, seriously. You need to get a course in writing so you can come up with something clever."
Armageddon:
"I don't have to this kind of abuse from you! I will take you all and this city in a blink of an eye." He blinks
Amy:
"I don't think that you've taken over the city."
Armageddon:
"Shut up! Its not like there's gonna be any villains just falling out of the damn sky you know."
-We hear a sound of music get louder very quickly and a car falls on all the henchmen behind Armageddon. It's an El Camino. Kevin steps out and Canada gets out with a bat in hand. They look mad at Armageddon-
Kevin:
"Get him!"
-Kevin and Canada just up and start beating the crap out of Armageddon. Kevin throws three punches and the second one misses but the punch sound still happens like a bad editing job. Canada hits Armageddon in the gut with the bat and they both continue to stomp on him-
Canada:
"We're the evil villains in this part of town, GOT IT!"
-Armageddon is on all fours, nods and then collapses. Kevin runs into the driver and Canada jumps and stand on the truck part of the car-
Canada:
"One day you shall feel our wrath. You may not know where we come from or-"
Rei:
"You live next door to me."
Canada:
"Or what we use as transportation or-"
Amy:
"It's an El Camino."
Serena:
"Plus we can see the license plate.
Canada:
"Or our names!"
Lita:
"The driver is Kevin and you're-"
Canada:
"Names mean nothing but know that we're your evil nemesis!"
-They drive off. Long pause near the fountain-
Mina:
"… Is it me or is it that all the recent villains turn out to be really stupid?"
Serena:
"Do you even think that they heard us?"
(1)The Jebb just got stuck into my head when I was writing it and I remembered that rats are funny and cool. So I put 2 and 6 together to get 4.8
(2)I sure hoped you laughed at that cause I don't remember ever writing it
(3)Hehe, Steve
(4)Doesn't sound like a stupid villain name?
