Disclaimer: "Would you like a cup of tea? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like to wear knickers? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill."
(An: Well, here we go again. And Yellow Submarine-faints- Here I thought only me and my freaky friends (and my parents, but they were around when the Beatles were, so they don't count) had seen it. "It must've been one of those unidentified flying cupcakes! Or a figment of me imagination... But I don't have an imagination." And someone else has actually seen -this- movie. Le shock.)
"Ok, like, hold it!" Kitty yells, just as we are about to start, I might add.
"What?" Storm asks.
"This!" Kitty cries, brandishing her script. "Page three. 'Kitty goes up to Magneto, who is asleep, and kisses him on the nose! EWWWW!"
"It's part of the princess thing," Storm says, rubbing her temples. "You agreed to be a princess, thus the king is your father. Get it?"
"Siiiiick..."
"Can I ask one thing?" Magneto asks.
"You already did, but do," Storm responds.
"Why do I have to be the old, panicky guy?"
Author: Because it was either you or Xavier, and let's face it, without the bucket you look way older than Xavier.
"IT'S A HELMET!"
Author-sigh- Storm, knockout gas, please?
Storm cackles and lobs it.
Author: Now then, without any more interruptions?
Kitty sighs, resigned. She creeps over to Magneto, who is sleeping on a pile of pillows, and kisses him on the nose. "Wake up! Wake up, father!"
"H-eh-wha?" Mags stammers, trying to focus.
Pietro swoops in, followed by the Three Courtiers and Random Black Dudes with a Pavilion. "HOLD UP!" Pietro screeches.
"What now!" Storm yells.
"Magneto's my dad. Thus, that would make Kitty my sister. And I thought you shipped Tabietro, dammit!"
Author: Well, I do, but it's in the script, and the only Kitty pairing I despise more than Lancitty is Kietro. -shudders-
"Yuck..." Pietro mutters.
"Believe me, Speedy, the sentiment's, like, mutual," Kitty replies, sneering.
"I'd say you've been spending too much time with Rogue, but for the like," Storm comments.
Author: Can we please just keep going!
"Oh, all right," Pietro mutters, and bows. "Oh great King Magneto, have no fear, Pietro, your Grand Vizier is here!"
He steps offscreen and we see the Random Card-Like Guards with Big Swords come in, sweeping Piotr ahead of them. "I am so confused," Piotr mutters.
"Oh... it's you... Pietro..." Magneto responds, looking not at all thrilled.
"Strange creature," Mastermind comments. "I'm getting a headache from all this weird animation."
"Oh, look, you're dropping your tacks," Sabretooth jeers. "That is a pathetic insult."
Ignoring them, Piotr and the Princess glance at each other
"Hmm?" Kitty murmurs, cocking her head to the left.
"Hmm?" Piotr echoes, copying her.
"Hmm," Kitty repeats, cocking her head to the right.
"Hmm." Ditto for Piotr.
"Hmm," Kitty mutters, shaking her head.
Author: The most romantic monosyllabic conversation you'll ever see.
Pietro, oblivious to all that, sneaks up to Magneto, who is still half-asleep, and butters up to him. Kitty, behind Magneto, is rolling her eyes. "Oh greatest king of all the earth," he takes out a stick and points at Piotr, as the RCLGwBS walk off, "this low-born cobbler," Piotr, smart boy that he is, tries to follow the Guards, but Pietro guides him back with his stick, "of no worth, attacked me in the square today." He makes a throat-cutting gesture with a big grin. "Shall we take his head away?"
"What... oh, oh, well, yes, Pietro, if you really think so," Magneto replies, who has been asleep all this time and clearly hasn't heard a word Pietro said.
"But... what has he done?" Kitty asks.
"Attacked me," Pietro responds, pulling a tack from Piotr's mouth.
Author: Pun Alert!
"Oh really," Kitty says, raising her eyebrows.
"Yes!" Pietro hisses. Piotr tries to escape at the same second that Pietro tries to step forward, making Pietro trip. "Ow! Ow! You great fool!" He stops him by holding him with his foot.
Everyone else: Okay...
"At least it's not with his legs," Remy comments, shuddering, off screen.
"What? What? What what what?" Magneto reawakens, utterly confused. Kitty thinks this is hilarious, giggling. Piotr tries to gather up his tacks, sticking them in his mouth... even though they've spent the last couple of minutes on the floor.
Kitty, getting an idea, takes off her shoe. It's a cloth Eastern-type shoe. She breaks it and dangles it in front of Magneto. "It just so happens Daddy... I need a cobbler."
"What?" Magneto asks, oblivious, as Piotr... um... straightens up, I guess. Another effect of the weird animation. "Um, um, yes, of course. Eh, what? Hmm?":
Kitty shakes the shoe, Pietro's eyes following it. Piotr steps forward and grabs it, looking down. Pietro catches on, looking all infatuated and crap."Yes, oh rose of the land. Your slightest whim is my command." Kitty steps back, looking all prettty for a minute.
"Go... with Princess Kitty," Magneto murmurs, falling asleep again. Piotr blinks, and Pietro glares at him.
For some really odd reason, we leave the palace and the day, and switch to a giant tower-thing shaped like a vulture. "Ok, that's weird," Piotr mutters. "That night, casting shadows over the sweet dreams of the people of Bayville, Pietro orchestrated his most sinister plan." The eyes light up as we go in, all Aladdiny and crap.
Pietro is peering out a telescope at the city. Behind him, we see a sleeping vulture. "Why am I a bird, yo! I thought you liked me?"
Author: Well, reading Misfits did make me more kind to you, but, well, I just like turning you into strange and random things. It's what I do. And besides! You get to wear a fez!
Storm turns away, quietly scribbling in a notebook. "Day thirty-three: the author snaps."
Todd grumbles but goes back to sleep. "Asleep! They're all asleep! But I am quite awake! Eh, Toddles?" Pietro goes over to him and Todd goes on snoring. "I rise above the human heap! The world is mine to take!" He spins the globe Todd's perching on, slamming poor Toddy against the wall.
Author: Besides, you get your own back against Pie at the end of this movie. Just wait.
"Hey, Pie..." Todd mumbles.
"Eh, Toddles? Is this guy Canadian or something!"
"I need my beauty rest!"
Author: Yes, quite honestly, you do.
"SHUT UP, YO!"
"Men are fools, who walk in dreams. They sleep their lives away!" Pietro goes on ranting as Todd sticks his tongue out at him. "But I, Pietro, will reign supreme, for they are easy prey. Eh, Toddles?" He tickles Todd and he snaps awake.
"Brawk! You're givin' me heart attacks here! Did I... did I just squawk? Dude, this is messin' me up, yo."
"For I intend to take as wife," Pie continues, tickling him again, "the daughter of the king!"
Todd doesn't seem impressed, and Pietro stabs his cane at him. "What- what? Not the stick, now. Oh..." Todd rolls his eyes and gets on.
"And with her, as my royal bride, I'll rule in public sight! With Princess Kitty at my side, the crown is mine by right. Eh, Toddles?" Noting that Todd is paying no attention to him, Pietro holds him over the fire.
"What? Is it very hot in here?" Todd screeches in pain as he notices his tail is alight.
Back to Evan and the Impressionistic hills. "Must.. warn... the king! Is that like the only line I get?"
"Actually," Storm comments, flipping through her script, "you get a pretty cool line about the Avalanches later on..."
Author: Oh, crap. Now I'm gonna have to think to make that work.
We go back to the Princess's room, where Piotr is using bright yellow string to mend her shoe and the Princess herself is arranging some flowers. "The princess was so beautiful. And I was just an ordinary cobbler. I tried to impress her with some cobbling tricks because I was just too shy to speak," Piotr narrates.
Mystique wanders over, and can't quite see, because her glasses won't stay on. "Hmm... Ah! Doing a good job, is he?"
"Of course he is, nanny. Do cobblers have names?" Kitty asks Piotr, who nods.
Piotr reaches over and fixes Mystique's glasses on.
"What is your name?"
"Piotr," he replies, holding out a tack.
"Piotr? Is that your name?" Kitty asks. "Okay... that really doesn't make sense."
Author: In the movie, the cobbler's name is Tack. Weird, no?
Everyone Else-gets it- "Ooooohhh..."
"He doesn't have a lot to say for himself..." Mystique mutters.
"Piotr," Kitty repeats.
"At your... service," Piotr mumbles.
We switch to outside the palace, where horses, black and white, are walking by. Remy is in a garbage can with wheels. "And here I thought dis role couldn't get any more disgusting."
Author: Just you wait for the random pipe cameo.
"Do I really want t' know?... Don't answer dat." He shudders, then switches into IM mode. "Ooh, dese horses. Does it ever end? Ooh, dat's a pretty one."
"Meanwhile, the theif was waiting for his opening- the opening of the palace gates, and his chance to steal the three golden balls."
"And dese flies, when will dey go away?" He ducks inside, grabs the wheels, and starts to wheel down the hill, with increasing ease as the slope increases. "Time t' move 'em out. Gravity is our friend. Heh, more than a friend!" He loses control for a second, mumbling happily to himself. He heads up the bridge just as the last of the ponies go in. "Goin' up!" He actually makes it up a few feet into the palace, before turning around by accident. "Made it! Whoah... okay, now, y' see, dis is a problem." He wheels down to the edge of the bridge, teetering over the moat.
Author: Now, then, who remembers what people dumped in palace moats?
"Dammit, I was hopin' de water was just another weird animation t'ing," Remy moans. "Eh, well, coulda been worse." He grabs the wheels again, but this time manages only to tip himself into the moat. He sinks under, then pops back up, spitting some out. "Please, mouthwash, I beg of you, in de name of all t'ings sacred, mouthwash!"
"Quit yer complainin'," Storm snaps.
"I hate you..."
Author: You're going to have to be more specific.
"All right, den I hate y' all."
Author: Bad Remy! No Rogue!
"Wasn't she not going to be in this anyway?" Storm whispers.
Author-evil smirk- Remy doesn't know that.
"Whoa! Uh!" "I can't help but question the color of this water. I'm gonna stink for days. Is dat really somethin' he needs t' say?"
Author: It's another gag; ignore it.
He finds a pipe and manages to climb into it."I just had this robe dry-cleaned! Oh, boy- if I could just get- oh, I- 'Scuse me, pardon me, pardon me." After a moment's climbing, "Oh! Dad! What're y' doin' here! Seriously, why did y' have t' drag Jean-Luc into dis, again?"
Author: It's fun to torture you.
"What am I doing here- y' know, dat's a very good question, what am I doin' here? As if bein' a pea weren't bad enough!"
Author: Be quiet, or I'll have Storm smite you.
In the background, Storm cackles.
"What're you doin' here! You never visit, you never call, have you got a girl yet? Come on, push! You look skinny." The pipes show his progress, and apparently Jean-Luc just kind of disappears.
"I wish," Remy mutters, then shuts up as he comes to an hourglass shaped bit of pipe. "Whoever thought this up deserves death... lots of it... slowly.That's what I get for having a beer belly." He finally makes it out of the pipes. He pokes his head out of a hole. Beside him is a jeweled rope hanging down and a roll of toilet paper, which he conviently doesn't notice. "Ah, made it. Hey, where am I?" He spots the random pavilion from before, as an anonymous arm sticks out and grabs some grapes. "Hey, a Turkish resteraunt!" He grabs for the rope. "Dis must call the waiter! Oh, garcon...You know, you spelled dat wrong."
Author: So I don't have the nice curly French c. So sue me.
Of course, it doesn't call the waiter. Rather, it flushes poor Remy down the pipes again. "Oh, no, not again... OW!" He lands with a terrific splash in the moat as we cut to the princess's room.
"Your bath's ready..."Mystique says, leaning out of what seems to be the bathroom.
Kitty and Piotr are obviously paying her no attention.
"Hmm..."
Still no mind, as Piotr takes the string and makes it into a heart shape, repairing the shoe. Both blush.
Mystique taps her foot. "The water's getting cold! Princess, he's a cobbler! Keep your eyes on your work, cobbler."
She leads her away as Piotr stammers,"Y-yes ma'am..." As soon as they're gone, Piotr sighs. "Nothing wrong with being a cobbler. Hmmph. Why can't I ever talk when it matters?"
Back to Remy, who's made quite a bit of headway in our absence. He's now at a place where the pipes split, and heads in the opposite direction. "As Churchill said, if at first you don't succeed, try another sewer," Remy says- thinks in a very bad British accent. "I'm Cajun! So sue me! We aren't made t' do accents!" He mutters to himself for a second. "Hmm..." Then part of the piping falls out beneat him, and we see only his feet.
Author: Somehow, that's very creepy.
"Uh-oh! Hey! Uh-oh! Look out! Come on soldier, hut two three four, hut two three four! Hmm, don't make castle gutters like they used to!"
He makes his way up to Kitty's bathroom. Soap bubbles are floating everywhere and in the background we can hear Kitty humming.
Author: She is, of course, humming the Obligatory Cheesy Love Theme, which they have snuck into every moment involving our main characters and now have her humming. I can't believe I'm going to have to type that out. Someone shoot me.
Everyone Else: I'll-
Author: It's a bloody FIGURE OF SPEECH!
His fingers slip through the holes of the drain, lifting it up. "Ok, let's see, righty tighty, lefty loosey... that should do it... hmm... oh... well." He looks up and spots the soap bubbles, delighted. "Hey, look, ha ha! Soap!" A bubble bumps his nose and pops. "Oh, so that's what it looks like! I've heard of it in storybooks and songs!" He pops back up, looking for who's humming, and we see Kitty... um... yeah.
"Do I even get a towel?" Kitty whimpers from within the bath.
"Dis is like seein' your sister naked," Remy mutters. What's that? Oh, naked Kitty- sorry- But wait! A golden backscratcher!" Amazed by the jeweled backscratcher, he pulls himself out of the hole, which judging by its size should be impossible, but somehow he manages.
"That cobbler. There's something about him," Kitty murmurs, oblivious to Remy creeping up behind her.
"Rogue's gonna kill me for dis," Remy mumbles.
"So shy and unassuming. I know he's just a pauper, but I- I really- really like him..." Then Remy grabs her backscratcher and edges out of the room. "Hey- what- I!"
Author: Once again, that's a wrap, folks!
Remy stumbles out of the bathroom set, twitching. "I feel dirty. Don't go in dere," he advises Pete.
"Seriously, I need a towel here!" Kitty yells.
"Must... not... look..." Piotr mumbles.
"Can I get some mouthwash now?"
"Am I going to be stuck like this all week?" Todd asks, inspecting his vulture-y self.
Author: Yep, maybe even longer if I'm slow again next weekend. Poor git.
"Mouthwash, woman!"
KAZAP-
"...Medic..."
"That was so satisfying," Storm says, grinning.
(And that's that. Do review.)
