Author's Note- This is meant to be a bittersweet song fic. It focuses on Courtney mainly, and the loss of her child. I'm not exactly sure about how this one's going to turn out, but I'm giving it a shot anyways.
Watch her as she
flew, deep within the blue.
A day out from the county I.C.U.
There's nothing you can do,
Someone gently says to you.
The doctor says that now it won't be long.
Courtney was lying in the hospital bed, and not sure who was with her, what she was doing, or if she was even alive. There were blurs of blue, what she thought must be the masks and gowns of the doctors that were surrounding her. Courtney had gone into labor while she was watching Michael and Morgan. Michael had the sense to call 911, and then his Uncle Jason. Courtney had yet to see her husband, she thought as she once again felt a surge of pain through her abdomen. Her baby would be okay, her little girl had to be fine. Jason had to see her, she had to hold her. Olivia, her baby girl, would have to live, she had to fight. She was a fighter, she thought, as she faded into unconsciousness.
I try and live up till the moment, and hope that I don't blow it.
And what is it in me that she hears?
It's just a song she likes,
Her little arms around my neck.
And a dying girl whispers in my ear…
She was groggy, and she had no idea where she was. Courtney tried to sit up, but found that she couldn't. The pain in her stomach was too great. Her eyes opened at last and she saw Jason, with his head down on her bed. He had her hand enclosed in his. She stifled a smile as she squeezed his hand. His eyes jerked open. And Courtney could see that Jason had been crying. Then she got that sick feeling in her stomach that you get when you go on those carnival rides that flip your tummy upside down.
"Where's Olivia? Have you seen her? She must be beautiful. I hope she has your eyes…" Courtney began while she let the tears fill her eyes.
"I'm sorry Courtney. I'm so sorry," Jason said as he cried with her.
"No, where's Olivia? Why are you keeping her from me?" Courtney yelled as she tried again to sit up, and again was unsuccessful.
"She's gone, Courtney. I'm so sorry, honey. I'm sorry," Jason said as he moved onto her bed to hold her. Trying to give her comfort at a time when, he knew that there was no comfort to be given. Courtney had carried Olivia for nine months, they decorated the nursery, bought hundreds upon hundreds of toys and clothes, together they had hoped and prayed for their daughter to be perfect and healthy. Now together, they had to mourn, again.
Tell me now can you feel it?
I've been keeping company with a ghost.
She comes to me like a piece of summer.
She comes to me on the days that I need it most.
Courtney never got to lay eyes on her daughter. She never got to witness the smile or the eyes that she had dreamed about seeing for months. She would miss her daughter for years to come, and she knew that the grief would fade, but the memories of having her daughter in her womb, the conversations that she and Jason had had with her… those would stay in her heart forever. And they would get her through, they would get Courtney and Jason through anything. After all, they had done this before. So why did it hurt more this time?
Jason said it was because they had seen Olivia during the ultrasounds. They had talked to her. They had bought her every toy, every book, known to man. They had felt her kick. Courtney felt like she had lost part of herself. And she knew, that Jason couldn't feel that, but he felt like he had lost part of himself as well.
Well summer dies, and nothing lasts forever.
And you're so fine, the way you stand up to your fears.
The summer dies and it's just moments we had together.
I'd give my bones for you to get a few more years.
For you and I, oh Annie.
More than life than trying to survive, oh Annie.
Oh Courtney and Jason had dreams for their daughter. She would be smart, beautiful, and talented. Jason would read books about Italy and other foreign places to her, while Courtney would make dinner and listen to them. They were going to be the perfect little family. They were still a perfect little family inside her head. Jason, Courtney, and Olivia.
My boyfriend took
pictures of me as I held you
I travel alone and the loneliness
brings me to tears
The summer dies and it's just moments we have
together
I'd give my bones for you to get a few more years
For
you and I, oh Annie
More to life than trying to survive, oh Annie
Sometimes in life, we don't always get what we want. In fact, rarely we ever do. Jason and Courtney would remember their baby daughter forever. Olivia would live in their hearts always, and of course they would never forget her. But picking up the pieces of their broken life was difficult. But they managed. For Jason and Courtney, life was anything but easy. Life's simple pleasures became extremely important to the two of them. Getting caught in the rain, taking Rosie for walks in the park, watching Michael and Morgan, and just being together, kept them going. It kept them same. Jason and Courtney had come to realize and accept that they may never have children, but that wasn't because they didn't try, they often did. And Courtney always was hopeful, and she knew her husband was as well. No baby could ever replace their Olivia, but Olivia watched over them. Courtney could feel her presence, everywhere she went.
Years for you and I,
oh Annie
More to life than trying to survive, oh Annie
Watch
her as she flew deep within the blue
Watch her as she slips away
from you
I'll keep fingers crossed always for you
Author's Note2- I'm
not sure if I like this fic at all. But I was listening to this song
today and I thought it was beautiful. Sad, touching, and beautiful.
Song credit goes to Vanessa Carlton "Annie".
