Disclaimer: "And I am SO not a tree."
(An: And now, for fun... -giggles- Well, I got carried away and decided to just go ahead and finish the whole thing.)
We see Piotr come out of a tunnel/staircase thingy, leading a camel, followed by a Random Purple Guy carrying a pavilion- not the pink one, mind you- that the Princess and Mystique are sitting in. "So the princess and I set out to find the good witch. Pietro rode off to find the evil Avalanches." We see Pietro ride away on a neat black horsy in the opposite direction... towards the big black creepy clouds. That's probably not the greatest travel destination, but, anyway, Remy comes out of the tunnel and follows after Kitty's little entourage. "With the thief close behind, I knew our journey across the desert would be an adventure." There is a whip-pan to Piotr, again leading that camel- remember him- which doesn't really seem fair, since he's all hot and sweaty and Kitty and Mystique are chilling in the Purple Guy pavilion.
"Well, I am, like, a princess," Kitty comments smugly.
"You don't have to rub it in," Piotr mutters.
Author: Just go on with your neat little voiceover, k? I'm in the mood for smiting.
Piotr- the voiceover one, squeaks. Kitty peeks out of her pavilion and gasps, while Remy collapses in the background... that can't be good.
Author: Or can it!
"You've decided to say that after everything, haven't you?" Storm asks, tapping her foot.
Author: How'd you guess? ...Or did you?
KRACKABOOM!
Author: Ah ah ah, can't smite me! I'm the author!
"Who says?"
Author: Hey, I'm sittin' here in my neat little titanium box. Want to argue with me?
"Metal conducts electricity."
Author: I'm also sitting on a rubber chair, so ner.
"Damn."
Piotr clears his throat.
"Right, right, go on."
"After three blistering days we encountered the king's worst fear: those desert outlaws, the brigands."
We switch to a gang of creepy, dirty guys. Logan is sitting in the middle, and is quite obviously the leader, 'cause he's cool like that.
"Things is not what they used to be, you know. No," he says.
The other brigands agree with him. We see Brigand #1 building a little pyramid-type-thing out of bones, and in the background, an over-eager Jamie is running up, yelling about a caravan.
"A caravan is coming! HERE COMES A CARAVAAAAN!" He knocks over #1's pyramid-type-thing, and he tries to skid to a stop. It doesn't really work though, and to keep from slamming into Logan (who would seriously not like that) he grabs onto a palm tree made out of bones and skulls... this really isn't G imagery.
Author: To whoever asked- I think it was Silent Doom- yes, this is a G rated thing. I looked on the tape. Weird, no? Maybe I just have a sick mind... Nah!
The other brigands yell at him- probably for destroying their neat tree- and a skull lands on Jamie's head. "COOL!"
"Cheiftan! Chieftan, it 'tis a caravan!" He runs over to Logan and screams that last bit in his ear, pulling up the skull.
"Hello, Squirt! ENHANCED SENSES, here!" Logan rubs his head. Then, just as loudly, he yells, "A CARAVAN!"
All of the creepy brigands laugh excitedly... which is, to be frank, a little disturbing.
"What 'tis it that we do now?" Jamie inquires of Logan, tugging on his stubble. "In some sick, disturbing way, this is really satisfying."
"He's right, what do we do?" inquires Random Brigand #2.
"May I remind you gentleman, that when in doubt, consult the brigands' handbook," Logan says, all sagely and crap. He leans forward and puts his hands in the sand and all of the Brigands look real impressed.
"The book!"
Logan pulls a really big red book with the title Handbook out of the sand... that's really not a good way to treat your books, by the way.
"What's it say?"
"Words..."
"What does the book say?"
Logan creaks open the book and a bunch of sandmites scrabble off the pages... really not a good way to treat your books, I repeat. He runs his finger along the page, coming to a stop at the word caravan, where CHARGE is said right next to it in big letters. Did I mention a cute little sand worm is watching him? "Caraaavan, caravan: CHARGE!" he screams at the top of his lungs.
Author: -rubs ears- Ow...
All of the brigands stand up and start running really fast the way Jamie came. A midgety Jamie clone follows, a bit behind, yelling "Charge!" along with that cute little sand worm.
They all try to hide behind the same, rainbow colored rock... obviously, our dear brigands aren't the brightest crayons in the box.
Piotr hushes the caravan, looking nervous. "Well, da... has Logan always had that much nose hair?"
Author: If you watch carefully, you'll see that what seems to be the head brigand's mustache is really his nose hair... EW.
"HAAAAALLLLT!" Logan yells, again, unnecessarily loud. "Well, I'm half deaf from Jamie screamin' in my ear!"
The brigands come running up, and a really rude one in the front picks up Piotr and holds him upside down. Pete's solution? He ties the guy's sandal laces together. Smart. So the brigand guy falls over, and Logan steps up in front of him.
Then Mystique comes running up. She goes into this whole wicked karate skills thing and totally kicks the brigands' collective asses, that is, until Logan points at her and all the brigands jump on top of her. "...So much pain... agony... a-go-nee!" she cries, in an excellent Bugs Bunny imitation.
Then Kitty comes walking out of her pavilion- finally- with a RPG (Random Purple Guy, not a role-playing guy) following her. She looks all Gorgey-Eastern-Princessy, and naturally, the brigands are stunned, since they're all guys...
Author: -pulls a face- Once again, yuck, ew, bad image!
She puts her hands on her hips and glares at Logan. "And who are you?"
Logan looks kind of flustered, then regains his composure and smacks himself on the chest. "Well, I'm- I am Logan, the cheiftan of this, my band of brigands!" Kitty does Not Look Impressed... that is, until the brigands kick into song.
They line up and start doing a conga-line type thing. "Bum bum bum beem bum boolee boolee bippity boo,
we're what happens when you don't finish school
Bum bum bum beem bum boole boolee bippity boo,
we're what happens when you don't finish school!"
Logan sighs, and starts singing a lament of his unfinished school days.
"Sent here twenty years ago by the king to guard his borders
We don't know when to return," here Logan holds up some instructions, with all the brigands (and that cute little sand worm, who is now wearing glasses) peering over his shoulder.
"'Cause no one here can read his orders!"
They start sing-ranting again, Logan tearing at his hair (the stuff on his head, not the stuff in his nose) while the others dance around the skeleton tree, which has apparently been restored. "Bum bum bum beem bum boolee boolee bippity boo
We're what happens when you don't finish school!
Bum bum bum beem bum boolee bolee bippity boo
We're what happens when you don't finish school!"
Fred pulls off his shoe and puts it in a pot, sighing at the meager fare. "Lately things have been so bad
There just are no words to tell it
And if we should find the word
I'm sure none of us could spell it."
Lucas and Caliban begin to moan now. "We miss our mothers and our fathers," Lucas laments. "NO I DON'T! And what in bloody hell am I doin' here!"
Author: -sighs- Idiot.
"It's a painful, sad condition," Caliban adds, taking him in a bear hug. He sniffles. "I never knew my daddy!" he wails.
Author: Can't claim canon accuracy; it was just funny.
Now Juggernaut hugs both of them. "It's hard to tell ya
Just how much"
Fred comes and knocks them all over. "'Cause we never learned addition!"
There's an instrumental break as the brigands, idiots that they are, chase a fly.
"Bum bum bum beem bum
Bum bum bum beem bum
Bum bum bum beem bum"
Lucas sighs and goes on with his bit-part as the others nearly kill themselves after that fly, and alternately make faces at him. "So we wait around and scare
Any traveler passing through here
Since we never learned a trade
It's the only thing to do here"
They try to spell now, and make an A, then a B, then an... X? Okay... "Bum bum bum beem bum boolee boole bippity boo," and now they get in a circle and start doing a chorus line type thing,
"That's what happens when you don't finish school
Bum bum bum beem bum boolee bolee bippity boo
We're what happens when you don't finish school!"
The fly, who is now perching on Logan's shoulder, adds the last part as the others all sit down in cadence, "Bum bum bum beem bum boolee boolee bippity boo!"
"Just like Le Mis..." Remy observes, peering over the pavilion... I think.
Kitty is still Not Impressed. "Well I am Princess Kitty, daughter of your king! And hey, that's my nanny you're sitting on!" she adds, pointing at Mystique. The brigands grudgingly let her up. "Our kingdom is in grave danger. Therefore, I hereby declare you my royal guard."
"Royal guard?" Logan repeats, sounding impressed, as do the other brigands.
"You guard our caravan while we find Avalanche's sister and save our Not-So-Golden land."
There is a whip-pan that switches us to near the Avanche's camp. Pietro is walking up to a flag and Todd is moaning.
"I don't have a very big part in this, do I?"
Author: Be happy of small blessings.
Todd ruffles his feathers irritably. "Man, I can't wait until I can be normal again!" He says his line now, like a good little slave- I mean, actor. "So where's the roadkill, already? A bird's gotta eat, ya know."
Pietro ignores him and jumps off his Neat Black Horsey, inspecting the flag. "The camp of the Avalanches, how very nice. Perhaps they'll be willing to pay my price."
He pulls down the flag while Todd collapses, moaning, "I'm wastin' away here!"
"I'll have these barbarians kissing my feet. And maybe we'll find you something to eat, eh, Toddles?" Pietro tucks the flag into his bag while Todd gags and points into his mouth.
"I am kind of hungry, yo..."
Author: So eat the flies that're buzzin' around Remy's head.
"Where is he?"
Author: Somewhere in the next scene. -rimshot- Dammit! I promised myself no cheap jokes.
"So then where would you get all of your humor from?" Storm quips.
Author: Die.
Pietro cackles to himself for a second, then grins nervously as his neck gets rimmed in with swords. "Gentlemen, gentlemen, what a delight! To meet you all here on such a fine night!"
There is another whip-pan as we switch to Avalanche's tent, where the Random Lance Clones are dragging Pietro in. Todd is still stuck on the food thing.
"Is this when we eat? I need to eat! I don't see any food! I'm still hungry here! I think I just lost my appetite..." he adds, as they enter the tent. Lance is sitting atop a chair made of women... which is, needless to say, really disturbing.
Author: And now we add S&M imagery to the list. Damn. Who are these people? They really need a slap... actually, they might enjoy it. -shudders-
"Who dares enter the camp of the mighty Avalanche?"
Pietro bows very low in front of Avalanche. "I have a name, you know!" Lance yells.
Author: I know. I just don't care.
Pietro clears his throat. Todd gags in the background because he's dragging him along on a leash... well, that's mean! "Oh, mighty Avalanche! Iayeaye am Pietro, the great," a bunch of doves fly out of his robe, followed by a banner that proclaims "Pietro", "of the Not-So-Golden land! And I am a magician, a sorcerer too! And I'm in a position I think to serve you." He bows again, and turns upside down, peering at Lance.
"Sorcerer?" Lance asks, carefully sounding out each syllable. "It's a big word, ok!"
Pietro waves his hands and a puff of green smoke flares up. "Hahaha! I conjure demons!" He makes a dragon out of red smoke while Lance glares. The dragon bites its tail and sets itself on fire, making a hoop. Lance is still Not Impressed. Pietro holds up the ring of fire.
Author: If anyone starts singing that song, I will kill them.
"Charm beasts, and birds of prey too! Toddles!" A green spotlight comes up on Todd.
"Come on boss, I need a rehearsal here!" he cries, but jumps through the hoop anyway. He really did need rehearsal, as it turns out, because he gets his tailfeathers set on fire. "Fire! Fire!" he screams, hopping away into the crowd of Lance Clones.
Pietro blocks the view of him, grinning nervously. He pulls a scarf from his pocket. "And as you will see, that's not all I can do!" There's a puff of green smoke, and the scarf turns into the Avalanche flag. He pins it to the ground, laughing triumphantly.
"Hmm," Lance mumbles.
"I have power over people," he says, one eye jutting really far out of its socket, "although they may seem complex. For me, they fall like playing cards," he pulls a deck out of nowhere, and begins to shuffle them around all flashy and stuff, "and I control the decks!" Then of course, he drops some, and grabs them out of the air still grinning and laughing quite nervously. "Well, yeah, Lance is a raving psychopath!"
Author: Duh.
"Ha!" Pietro yells, getting the last of the deck.
"Hmm... is that my only line in this whole thing?"
Author: Let me put it this way: in the world of intelligence, I consider you- and consequently King One Eye- to be like a dead ameoba. Get it?
Lance grumbles to himself until thunder rumbles in the background. "I'll be good!" he squeaks, straightening up.
"But all this is nothing, for now, in my hands, is the very key to the Not-so-Golden land!" He holds up his bag, from which shiny golden lights are flashing. "For no man can take it, no matter how great, unless he posseses these three balls of fate!" There's more flashy green stuff and then he's holding the balls, in order of size, under that same green spotlight that had been following Todd.
Todd: -offstage- I'M STILL ON FIRE, YO!
Apparently Lance has just wrapped his oh-so-small brain around the concept of what Pietro can do. "You say you can charm beasts? Heh heh heh..." Encouraged, Pietro laughs too, until Lance continues. "Throw him to the alligators!" The flag falls down and a couple of Random Lance Clones drag him off.
"And I'll eat the leftovers!" Todd cackles from the roof. His tail is looking quite singed. "No shit, yo."
Back at the brigand camp, everyone's asleep. Except of course, for Remy, who is hiding beneath a small tent with a neato flag (STwaNF for short). He walks along under it, grabbing random things. "Wouldn't be a vacation without getting a few gifts for the family... Let's see, that for mom, uncle Carl, yeah, sure! Let's see, maybe, uh, this would be perfect for Tante Mattie's kitchen! And I don't know what this is, but it's perfect for dad!" Remy pauses and sticks his head out of the tent. "Is it deadly?"
Author: If you think a pot is deadly, then yes, quite.
Remy scowls and ducks back inside the STwaNF. "Yeah! And I'd better not forget the gang at the barber shop! It's all duty free, isn't it?" He walks past the camel and into a pond. "Oh. YUCK. Jus' tell me dis water ain't like the one at de castle and I'll be good."
"Don't worry," Storm assures him, "we used different water here... I think."
"I'm so reassured."
That camel- the one just mentioned, that I told you to remember- kneels at the edge of the pond, laughing... loudly.
"How can a camel laugh?" Storm asks, cocking her head.
Author: Not the faintest. It's just what he does.
Remy hums "Row Row Row Your Boat" while cutting his way out of the STwaNF. All of the stuff he steals settles at the bottom of the pond. The camel keeps laughing while Remy emerges, his trench coat all puffy with water. "You're killin' me!" the camel cries, rolling over, still laughing. Remy pays him no mind, gasping for breath as he pulls himself out.
Remy squeezes water from his trench coat in front of a palm tree, but since he's got his back to us and he's holding it up, it looks like he's doing, er, something else.
Author: I refuse to resort to bathroom humor for a laugh. Nyugh.
Back at the Avalanche camp, Pietro is perching on a rock in a very deep hole, looking nervous. The camera backs out and we see why: he's surrounded by alligators, who, like all animals, can talk... apparently anyway. "My friends," Pietro purrs, being very careful to keep himself out of snapping range.
"I'll be your friend!"
"It grieves me to see you fed on persons like me, with no meat!" he continues, still just out of reach. He leans over them and jerks back repeatedly, like a fanatical preacher. "Just help me a little and I won't forget to feed you each day a surprise that is plump, portly, paunchy, and fat! Fat! Fat!" The alligators chant his description along with him, looking very excited.
"They're like dogs," Pietro coos, then backs off again. "Sweet, cuddly dogs... with sharp teeth... lots of them... somebody get me out of h-"
Quite abruptly, we switch to the desert, where all of the caravan is lined up in front of a gigantic gold mountain shaped like hands stuck together. At the very top is a really big hand reaching toward the sky.
Author: -flipping through script- You know, we DID switch awfully quickly...
Kitty whistles and scuffs the sand with her foot. "Hey, don't, like, look at me... or the scene-switch button I'm so not holding..."
"You're scaring me," Piotr says, edging away.
"At last, we reached the Hands of Glory, home of the good witch. All we had to do was wait until the next day, when the sun would be directly overhead, and the magic moment would arrive." The sun changes to a moon which changes back to the sun in a dramatic time-lapse sequence. Neat.
The newly reappeared sun shines down on a gold Buddha-esque statue with a reeeeally big ruby in the midst of its forehead.
Remy: -offstage, drools-
"Don't even think about it," Storm says.
The sunbeam reflecting off said really big rock makes a light ray shine straight at the Hands of Glory, in a very particular spot.
"Look!" Kitty exclaims.
"The ruby!" Piotr adds.
The brigands all look very nervous. "Ooh!"
"Magic!"
The brigands bow down in abject terror, and Logan clears his throat. "Um, princess, p'raps me and my men ought to be stayin' here..."
Kitty looks a little annoyed, but nods. "Yes, Logan, you stay here."
"'Tis magic from another world," Lucas mumbles. "I don't believe in magic."
Author: Bully for you. I should smite you for adlibbing so much.
"Royal guard, hmph!" Mystique snorts, looking unimpressed.
"We're big, but we're delicate," Fred adds.
"Let's find that hidden door!" Kitty proclaims, as they head for the Hands.
Remy peers out from behind a rock. "You find the door, I'll find the ruby." He rushes across the sand towards it, yelping all the way. "Hothothothothothothothot!"
"This looks like some kind of lever..." Piotr muses, inspecting the spot on the Hands that the ruby pointed to. He takes a little hammer from his pocket and taps at them, and one of them moves ever-so-slightly. Kitty gasps. She joins him, and together they pull on the lever-Hand, revealing a passageway with lots of steps.
"You've done it, Piotr!"
Remy wanders around the statue, muttering to himself. He can't get to it, since it's surrounded by Random Card-Like Guards. "While we entered the witch's lair, the theif encountered some 'new friends' of his own..."
Remy continues to circle it, that is, until he slams into a sign. "Gotta get the ruby off the fat guy's head... gotta get the ruby off the fat guy's head... gotta- ow! No prayers, blah blah blah," he turns and slams into another sign. "Hey, the mansion's phone number's here... beneath- oh, yuck, dat's not right." He shudders and goes on with his line. "Ouch! They should have a sign 'beware of signs!' Wow... hmm... but how can I get over these guys?" Then he looks over at the Hands, seeing one that juts out. It (somehow) has trees growing on it. "Hey! Two trees on the ledge of an impossible to climb cliff! Perfect!" We switch to Piotr, Mystique, and Kitty climbing the stairs for a second, then back to Remy, who's somehow secured a rope to the mountain and is climbing up that way. "Boy, I'd be dead if this mountain started to applaud! Whew!" He pulls himself up onto the ledge. "Well, I guess these would be palm trees..."
Author: Somewhere, somehow, a pun alarm is going off.
"Hey, I don't make de jokes, I jus' say 'em!" Remy replies. Then he peers over the edge of the ledge. "Hey... just how high up are we talking here? Ooh, pret-ty high... This'll work fine," he murmur-thinks, pulling at the leaves of the trees.
(Click onward for the ending!)
