Disclaimer: "God protects two types of people: the mentally ill, and the amusingly stupid."

(An: And it's the last chapter. -does a dance-)

"We're running out of time, Piotr!" Kitty says as they continue to ascend the staircase. "Do you think the witch will help us?"

"There's only one way to find out!"

Back to Remy, who is again hypnotized by the giant ruby. "Look at that ruby... here goes nothin'..." He is holding two of the palm leaves, and, as dramatic music from Fantasia plays, he slowly spreads them like wings. He hops off and begins to flap for all he's worth. "Yeah! I'm flyin'! Success is mine! I'm rich, I tell ya, I'm rich! I tell you I am rich!" Of course, right about then, the reality factor kicks in and he drops like a stone. He lands in a bunch of very prickly bushes that line the bottom of the Hands. "Ow! Ok, seriously, bushes do not belong there... oh... ow..."

Back in the staircase, the group makes its way all the way up to the palm of the giant hand on top of the Hands. Immediately, more dramatic music plays as the fingers bend in, making it all dark and crap. A single eyeball appears in a puff of dramatic smoke."Who dares disturb the great witch?" There is no mouth, but it's obviously Wanda's voice. "Wait... you're tellin' me I came all this way and I don't even get a cameo!"

Author: Of course you do... it's just as a puff of smoke.

"I'd better be gettin' payed for this..."

Kitty falls to one knee, the eyeball peering curiously at her. "I am Princess Kitty of the Not-So-Golden City and this is-" She gestures at Piotr, who also falls to one knee.

"Piotr, the cobbler."

Back to Remy, who has decided to change his strategy, opting to start flapping before plunging like a rock. Somehow, he's gotten back on the little ledge... "Ok? Ready? Yeah, yeah! Get set! Here we go!" He takes off, and again drops like a stone, pulling up just before hitting the prickly bushes. "Hey, hey, hey, hey! Yahoo!" There are airplane noises as he zooms around. "Attention passengers, the seatbelt sign has been turned off. You can walk about the cabin freely. Channel eight on your headphones will be spotlighting the talents of Mel Torme." He flies upside-down above the RCLG.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch- I mean the Hands of Glory...

"God, this is starting to sound like it was written by you, with all this hopping around," Storm mutters.

Author: Hey!

Kitty begins to talk with the eyeball. "Our city is under an evil spell. The golden balls-"

"My brother, King Avalanche- Wait. WHAT!"

Author: You happen to supposedly be the twin sister of Avalanche. Sure, it's not canon, but, eh.

"You'd better do a Jonda (1) after this..."

Author: Eh, quit whinin'. posesses the golden balls."

"How could she know that?"

"Please, you must help us!" Piotr entreats.

There's a big, explosiony flash of light and a bunch of Completly Pointless Squeaking Bats, and the eyeball disappears, to be replaced by a cloud of smoke. "When to the wall you find your back, attack, attack, attack!"

"How can we attack the Avalanches?" Kitty asks.

Now Wanda actually shows up... well, sort of. She's all made of smoke too, and she floats in front of Piotr. "This. Is. Weird."

Author: Yes. It. Is.

She scowls, then gets on with her miniscule part. "Belief in yourself is what you lack! Attack! Attack! And never look back!"

There's a Fade to Black, and then we're with Pie again, who has lashed all of the alligators into a dog-sled-esque line. He is also sporting some bite-marks.

Kitty: -offscreen, snickering-

"You shut up!" Pietro yells, shaking his fist. He pulls a whip out of nowhere and whips the poor creatures. "Poor creatures! They nearly killed me!"

Author: Pity they couldn't finish the job.

Pietro glares at nobody in particular, then humphs and says his line. "Faster! Take me to your master! One mistake will suffice! Don't treat me lightly twice!" The alligators stop and he jumps off, brandishing the whip. He does that neat green flash of fire/smoke thing, glaring. The Avalanches crest the hill. "Take me to your master!"

Avalanche looks thoughtful.

Author: I hope his head explodes.

"Why do you-"

Very abruptly, again, we switch to the brigands, running across the desert. Kitty and Piotr are each riding one. "Back to the city, Logan, hurry! Hurry!" Kitty cries.

Remy, who for some reason isn't after the ruby anymore, is following them. He collapses, gasping for breath. "Oh, yeah, hurry, you're bein' carried!"

And now we go back to Pietro, where he and Avalanche are peering over a map. "None shall escape!" Avalanche proclaims.

"Except for the princess; that we agreed," Pietro says, holding up a finger. "She is the price for my traitor's deed." He draws a feminine shape in pink smoke... chauvinist pig. Avalanche looks unimpressed. "Is anybody impressed by magic!"

Author: No, just Avalanche. He's an idiot.

"I AM NOT!"

Everyone else: -boredly- Yes, you are.

Author: See? I didn't even say it this time!

Pietro snickers until the ground begins to shake. Then he eeps and starts again, pointing at the map... which is held up by the same creepy chicks who make up Avalanche's chair... yuck. "They will cower behind these walls when they see that we posess the three golden balls!"

"Tommorow, you shall ride at the front, sor-ce-rer!" Lance accents his words by poking Pietro in the nose, who looks increasingly nervous.

"The next morning the sun rose, but darkness fell on Bayville... did that sound as cheesy as I thought it did?" Piotr, in voice-over mode, asks.

Author: Yes. Yes it did.

We see the sun rise, and then we see that big dark cloud that's been following the Avalanches through the Impressionistic hills swoop down and darken Bayville.

Magneto, leaning out on a balcony, is peering through a spyglass. Seeing all this thinly veiled foreboding, he gasps.

"Avalanches! Attack!" Lance yells.

Pietro, riding his weird black horsey, is indeed leading the charge... and not looking too happy about it.

Then some Random Lance Clones start jumping on drums, and we see the full extent of the army. There're RLCs with shields, RLCs with maces, and RLCs with big pointy catapault things.

The brigands, still running, stop short. They happen to be behind Lance's war machine... I think, anyway. The war machine is a big thing that has feet and mouths and trunks... just trust me, it's weird.

Mags, peering through his neato spyglass, can see all of this. He puts his hand to his head. "Oh, my God! My daughter!"

"His daughter!" somebody cries from offscreen.

We switch back to the war machine, where the RLCs with maces are advancing on the group. Kitty and Piotr happen to be (DMP) in the front.

"I wasn't cryin'," Caliban proclaims.

"Ye were cryin', ye big sissy!" Lucas responds, smacking him.

"I think I soiled myself," Fred sobs.

Pietro peers at the brigands, where Piotr is edging out toward him. "The cobbler..." He rides forward, barely missing Pete.

When to the wall you find your back, attack... "Attack! A tack!" Piotr cries, Suddenly Getting It. He pulls out one of his omnipresent tacks as Pietro rides back at him.

"Piotr!" Kitty screams.

Piotr, completely unruffled (it seems that occasionaly robotlike emotions come in handy), pulls that neat yellow yarn from his pocket (apparently, he's held onto it all this time). He stretches it back, resting on his back and using his feet, no less, and sends the tack flying. Pietro just dodges it and runs past Piotr with a very sharp spear, cutting off the end of his pants. Piotr blinks.

"It turned out, one tack was all it took." Closeup on said tack; it goes flying and bounces off the RCLs's shields, spears, and head things. It is rerouted by a bendy head thing and flies through a curved thing, which sends it flying back at Pietro, where it lodges firmly in his poor horsey's butt. Ouch.

The horse, naturally, rears. He throws off Pietro, and the knife he was apparently holding strikes a string. The string snaps, which activates a catapault. The rock from the catapualt lands on a giant spring thing, which sends it flying. In its flight, it knocks over a big vat of lava.

Avalanche, watching all of this, looks understandably dismayed.

The molten rock sets fire to the inner workings, and this sends a bunch of spikey balls flying, which destroy a bunch of Important-Looking Machinery. A bunch of random elephants go running along, and they continue to activate the machine, sending arrows and smoke and who knows what else flying everywhere. Destruction abounds.

Remy, who has finally caught up, has a vantage point. He can see everything from his spot. "Hey, what's all the excitement about?" Of course, the only thing he has eyes for are the golden balls. "Oooh, there's three familiar faces... I'd better go over and say hello..." Completely oblivious to all the fire and flying sharp things, he heads off.

Piotr, who is standing in the midst of billowing smoke and watching all of this, nearly gets smashed by a passing Giant Foot. I think it powers the machine... once again, not sure.

"Piotr!" Kitty shrieks. "Ok, whatever happened to kick-ass princess that we had a few minutes ago?" she demands, hand on her hips.

"Your would-be love interest just got almost smooshed. Kick-ass princess is hiding in a corner," Storm snaps.

Back to Remy, who has just spotted a way up to the golden balls. He starts to walk up some steps. "There they are! Finally, something easy!" Of course, with all the rampant destruction, as soon as he does, the stairs in front and behind get smashed by falling spikeballs. " Just walk up the stairs, grab the balls, and go home! I'll be in bed by eight!" Now the staircase is completely gone, and Remy's held up only by the falling singular steps. "Just... walk up... the stairs... walk up, walk up, ok, maybe in bed by, by nine! Aaah!" Then, of course, he runs out of steps and falls, landing on a spinny cup not unlike those things they use to test astronauts. He gets dumped on a platform as we switch back to Pietro, who is, again, charging Piotr for no apparent reason.

"Aah!" Kitty, very classic horror-movie style, slaps her hands to her face.

Piotr, instead of dodging the horse like, say, a SANE person, just stands there and naturally gets knocked over.

"Hah hah!" Piotr cackles. He then charges Kitty, but instead of knocking her over, he grabs her.

This mandates another scream from Kitty. "Aah!"

Back with Remy, who is fast running out of options as the machine gets even more obliterated. "I guess I'm safe up here... apparently not!" The platform gets smashed, and Remy is left clinging to two halves of a ladder like stilts. Several spikeballs fly by, just barely missing some other balls...

Author: Damn. I promised myself I wouldn't do an intentional innuendo.

He stumbles away as the stilts get riddled with arrows. "Thanks a lot guys, I had a really good time!"

Back with Kitty, who is apparently wearing her face veil again. It comes and it goes during the whole scene. Anyway, she pushes off Pietro's horse. "End of the ride, Pietro!" This, of course, completely overbalances the poor horsey and he falls over. It's just not a good day for this horse. She stumbles away, mumbling, "I've got to get back to the palace!"

Pietro is understandably p.o.'ed by this. Then Piotr comes over, glaring down at him. "When am I ever not looking down at him?" Piotr inquires.

"Oh, come on, I'm not THAT short!"

"Actually, you are," Storm comments.

"What, cobbler?" Pietro demands. He tackles Piotr and they roll around as we switch to Remy.

He's now made his way up to the balls's level, right above an Avalanche flag. "Oh golden balls, shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art far more- ah, ah, oh, whatever..." Then he loses his grip (he's only holding on with his feet, mind) and goes sliding down the poles. "OW! Friction burn! PAIN!"

Author: -shakes head- Poor lad.

"Maybe you should help him," Storm suggests.

Everyone (except Remy): NAH!

"It's great to hear I'm so loved," Remy mumbles. "Aaah! Man!" He lands on a springboard, which sends him flying over the balls. Remy takes the opportunity and grabs the top one. "Don't mind if I do!" Then, of course, he lands on a giant crossbow, which is being pulled back by a mechanical hand... these people had some pretty sophisticated stuff! Anyway, he's playing the part of the bolt. "No, guys, come on, I'm not tall enough to ride this ride! And I suffer from dizzy spells! And I'm- Do I really have to say this?"

Author: Since I like you, I'll give you a reprieve. So, no. I can't put it any simpler. Hopefully, your small brain can cope.

"I thought y' liked me..."

"Yeah, well she likes me too, and look! I'm not even in this parody!" Kurt yells, from his little patch of non-existence.

Author: Ah, be quiet, I'm stickin' you in the next one.

"Yeah, but then I'm a dragon! With Hank!" (2)

Author: They can't all be perfect, fuzzbutt. Get outta here before I smite you. And if you're curious, what Remy refuses to say is "And I'm pregnant!" It's understandable, I suppose.

Kurt disappears... or rather, goes back to not-existing.

Remy gets sent flying, to the William Tell Overture. Then he gets stuck in a cannon thing, the only thing exposed his hands and the ball... that just sounds wrong for some reason!

Back to where Piotr and Pietro (DAMN they have similar names) are fighting. Pietro is on top, until Piotr kicks him off. "No more tricks, sorcerer!" He tackles Pie, and is about to punch him, when Pie grabs him about the neck.

"Ooh, get him, Piotr!" Mystique yells. She and Kitty are apparently watching.

Once again, we switch to Remy, still stuck in the cannon thing. "If I can fit, you can fit," he proclaims. "Once we get in here, we're safe!" Of course, that's not true. This is revealed when we zoom out, to see that the cannon thing is actually part of a giant bellows. A big elephant lands on it, and, for, like, the third time running, Remy goes flying. Damn, this must sound really circular. Remy lands on two interlocking gears, and, once again, oblivious to the imminent doom that is the other gear coming down to crush him, Remy follows the ball, which has slipped out of his hands... THAT IS WRONG!

Everyone else: Yes. Yes it is.

"You, you, where do you think you're going? I'm talkin' to you! You hear me?" Remy, in his usual stupidity, follows the ball into the gear part. But, with his usual dumb luck, the gear that would've smashed him gets obliterated by a spikeball.

Author: Now's the part where we look back at the disclaimer quote and snicker. (3) "If I find out c'est just gold paint..."

Piotr and Pietro are STILL fighting, but Piotr, with his usual fast thinking, struggles out of Pie's grip and stitches his sleeves together.

For like, the fourth time, we meet Remy flying through the air. He lands in a cannon thingy that actually IS a cannon. "Man, this is gettin' old..." He flies into space and over the pole holding up the golden balls. "Well, as long as I'm here!" he think-crows, grabbing the second ball... YUCK... He falls again, and luckily lands on an Avalanche flag. It works like a trampoline, sending him bouncing off and onto another platform quite nicely. "Cakewalk."

"Piotr?" Kitty asks, as she runs over to meet Piotr. His sleeve is ripped now, too, and he generally looks a bit of a mess. "Oh, Piotr, you did it!" she cries, throwing her arms around him... -clears throat-

"Uh, Pete, you're supposed to hug her back," Storm points out.

"That would make me even more uncomfortable," Piotr mumbles, blushing.

Author: Do I have to smite you, too!

"Metal conducts electricity very well, so I hear," Storm comments.

Remy sticks his head into the stage. "Pete. We all know y' like her. Self-denial is bad." He inspects one of the balls. "Hey! This IS just gold paint!"

Author: What part of "five-dollar-budget" do you not get?

Piotr sighs, hugs Kitty, and says, "Well, I guess they never ran into a cobbler before... I feel dirty."

Mystique, watching, instead of yelling at them-

"Please! Yell!" Piotr shouts.

KRACKABOOM!

"I shall shut up now."

Author: I think I've put one of those in, like, every chapter of this parody.

"Pretty much," Storm agrees, looking smug.

Like I was saying, instead of yelling, grins and looks away.

"Well, I've got you two back, now, how do I get the third?" Remy wonders, strolling along. He doesn't really notice the arrows flying around him. God, he's dumb. Then he falls into a cup thing, which flips him onto a platform on a spring. This retracts, and he goes flying up the pole. "Ow! Oh, it's you, hey, welcome back..." he thinks, grabbing the third and last ball. He flies up over the whole thing, getting a very nice view of the chaos below. "Hey, I can see my house from here! No I can't."

Author: Smite him.

"But don't you need him for the next parody?" Storm asks.

Author: Don't care, just smite him! Or, on second thought, do it at the end of the chapter.

"Okay."

"No! No! It's not okay!"

"You signed the waiver, Remy," Storm says, grinning oh-so-evilly. "You put this upon yourself."

"Damn."

Storm cackles.

Remy, who was magically suspended (Lucky Charms, anyone!), now drops like a one-winged duck... I hate that metaphor. "Man! Oh, oh, oh!" He lands in a little cart that's being pulled up a track, much like a roller coaster. "Are they kidding! Oh, please, no!" Have I mentioned it's, like, straight up? "Now I know why they make you keep your hands inside the car at all times! Oh, this is bad!" he think-mumbles, as he pauses on the very top. "Aaagh!" Naturally, there's only so much track; the rest has been smashed somewhere along the line. So Remy, the balls, and his cart go flying... somehow, that doesn't sound right.

"Does anything sound right to you?" Storm demands.

Author: If it's got the word "Balls" and "Remy" in it... no, probably not.

"Hey! I do have some honor, y' know!"

Everyone else: -raised eyebrows- Right.

"Ooh, shouldn't there be tracks here? AAAAAH!"

Pietro is trying to escape. It's somewhat hobbled, though, by the fact that, since Piotr's stitched him up, his hands are stuck down by his feet and he can only hop. "The greatest wizard has to know exactly when it's time to gooooowww!" His words degenerate into screaming as he steps on a tack... yes, the tack that started all of this. Of course, he falls backwards... into the alligator pit, again, of course.

It's very dark, and all that can be seen are the eyes and teeth (the very SHARP teeth) of the residents. "Yum! Look who dropped in!"

"My friends, my friends, are you still here?" Pietro asks, backing up as all of the gators open wide.

"Where did we get these gators, anyway?" Storm asks, cocking her head.

Author: Remy's backyard. Duh.

"I haven't fed you yet, I fear!" Pietro stammers.

Todd swoops down in the hole, looking jubilant. "Mmm, yo, a smorgasboard!"

"Oh, my bottom! Oh, my top! Greedies, don't you ever stop?" Pietro begs as the gators munch him.

"Heeere's Toddles, yo!" Todd cries, landing on Pietro's shoulder.

"You too, Toddles, man's best friend. For Pietro then, it is the end," Pie mumbles, as Todd opens wide and has lunch.

Author: I told you you got recompense!

"This rocks yo! But Pietro tastes nasty!"

"My machine!" Avalanche cries, moaning and gnashing his creepy yellow teeth. His machine is all in flames now, and is pretty much kaputski.

"My daughter, you're safe!" Magneto cries, hugging Kitty... albeit, a little reluctantly.

Remy runs from the wreckage. "I'll just melt these down, and uh..." He gasps as he sees all the people. "Maybe no one will notice?"

"The golden balls!" Mags cries.

"They noticed," Remy thinks as a bunch of RCLGs with the addition of big swords close in.

"You found them!" Magneto exults. "Oh, wonderful, wonderful!"

"Ah, well, I guess I should do the right thing," Remy thinks. "Why? De right t'ing sucks!"

"You said it yourself: it IS just gold paint," Storm says.

Remy sighs, and holds them out. It takes Piotr a few tugs to get him to let go, though.

"And with the greatest courage, Piotr, you have saved our kingdom!" Magneto continues, as Piotr gets lifted up by the mentioned RCLGs. "And your friend returned the golden balls!" he adds. Remy, who is trying to sneak away, also gets lifted up by the RCLGs.

"It was my civic duty," he thinks, striking a pose.

There's an explosion as the last of Lance's machine collapses. "And so, Avalanche and his army were defeated for all eternity."

The scene changes to the castle, where Piotr (in a neat white, patched robe) is kneeling before Magneto and Kitty. "The prophecy is fulfilled. The city owes you a great debt of gratitude, oh cobbler. How can we ever repay you?" The camera backs up a bit, revealing the brigands, who're also in neat white robes.

"Father..." Kitty murmurs. She leans over and whispers in his ear.

"Oooh..." Magneto says, eyes widening.

"With the golden balls returned, Bayville was once again happy and secure." We switch to a big courtyard, where a bunch of people are lined up in front of Kitty and Piotr, who are standing on a balcony. "And when Princess Kitty and I were- please don't make me say it."

Storm gets out of her director's chair and swats him in the head. "I'm sick of it. Just say the line and admit you like the girl."

Remy pokes his head onstage. "Go Storm!"

Voiceover!Piotr sighs, and goes on. "Were wed, I became Prince Piotr. The first Arabian Knight." Kitty drops her boquet onto the crowd, and takes off her face veil, turning to Pete.

"I love you."

Piotr, blushing like crazy, responds, "And I love you." They hug.

Author: Once again, say it with me: AWWWWW...

A whip-pan to Remy, who has his bo staff again and is valiantly charging the ball tower... GODDAMMIT! "And I love big distractions like weddings," he think-proclaims, jumping at, and naturally missing the tower.

Now Kitty and Piotr kiss.

Author: One more time: AWWWWW! "So next time you see a shooting star, be proud of who you really are. Do in your heart what you know is right, and you too shall become an Arabian Knight." The scene switches from a tracking shot of Bayville to a snapshot of Remy, posing by the balls. "Oh, and as for the theif, he spent years in jail, but when he learned his lesson, the king made him head of palace security, and even agreed to let him take one last thing..."

"The End" is proclaimed in big golden letters as Remy creeps onto the screen, grabbing them and stuffing them into his trenchcoat. "I shouldn't steal again, but maybe, just the E, and the H, and what about the T? E, N, D... I'll just hold onto these little goodies until the reviews come out."

Author: -clears throat meaningfully- Do I really have to say it?

He creeps over to the edge of the screen and grabs it, pulling down the film. The score plays as he tucks it away. "What's this? Yep, oh, the film! Yeah! I'll just tuck that away in my little cloak and I'm on my way... these flies are driving me crazy..." he adds as he edges away onto blank space.

Author: And that is, as they say, a wrap!

Piotr runs away as fast as he can.

"Hey! Big guy! Call me!" Kitty yells after him. "He's actually a really good kisser."

Storm: -pokes author- I thought you shipped Kurtty.

Author: As I've explained a plethora of times, I do, but Kiotr's just so darn cute... and easy to write.

(And that is indeed that. REVIEW!)

(1) Eventually, I will do a Jonda. I have two plotted out: The Sweetest Thing, and My Boss's Daughter,both really funny movies which I reccomend watching at least once and which I won't be able to do 'til I get the DVDs.

(2) My next parody will be Quest for Camelot. It'll be a Rahm, and it'll have Kurt and Hank as a two-headed singing dragon, Remy and Rogue as chickens-

Remy: WHAT!

Yes, as chickens, and Forge as the director! 'Cause he's groovy, and Ororo has a major role.

(3) Nicked from Toddfan. The joke, not the DQ. That's from Odd Thomas. Go read it.