See first chapter for details.
It is important to read Author's notes. They just might include tomorrow's winning lottery numbers. You never know, you know?
There's almost yaoi in here! Finally. Oh, and in the last chapter, when Seifer said 'Jesus', change that to 'Hyne'. Whoops! ^_^;;
Ok, and now it is time for: 'A Fate Worse Than Death: The Musical!'.
Haha. Actually, Seifer sings! I couldn't help it, I have to torture him. Besides, I needed the obligatory 'songfic chapter.' So just ignore it if it bugs you. Also, strange as it may seem, the song is Squall's point of view. Not Seifer's. Just read the lyrics, and you'll see.
A Fate Worse Than Death
Chapter 7
Seifer:
I ran.
I ran like I never had before; like Cerberus, the hound of hell, was on my heels, and my only hope for salvation lay in pounding feet and heaving breath.
Squall was limp in my arms, blood flowing sluggishly from half-healed wounds, leaving an erratic red trail behind us. I clutched at him desperately as I rounded another corner, barely avoiding a head-on collision with a group of girls.
No time for smiling and flirting. There would never again be time for that, not after this, this trail of crimson spots that was all my fault. Just a few more steps…three more…and I was in the infirmary.
At her desk, Dr. Kadowaki shot out of her seat in surprise, eyes widening in horror as she rushed over to take Squall from my arms, Curaga flowering brightly on too-pale skin.
I was lost then, following the small red-and black body around hopelessly. I wasn't really sure what was going on; I was only aware of more people, sheets of bandage, and the anxiety that Squall would be mad at me for letting so many people near him.
He was in a hospital bed, rolled up jacket taken off amid the chaos to be replaced by long white sleeves that turned slowly red. Spells exploded brightly before my eyes from my place beside the small bed, and all I could do was try to not clutch Squall's hand too tightly and hope that there would be a tomorrow.
The next thing I knew, Dr. Kadowaki was tapping me on the shoulder, telling me that he was stabilized but that please, she had to talk to me. I nodded dumbly, swallowing what felt like sand as she pulled up a chair, glancing occasionally at the figure on the bed.
"Why?"
The second time I had been asked that in less than fifteen minutes, and I took a shuddering breath, trying to think of everything but death.
"My fault," I wouldn't cry. That would make it real, "I didn't listen, took him to see…" anger at myself, and others, "my friends." The word was bitter, poison on my tongue. I had no friends. There was only Squall.
"He…something was wrong…people were surrounding him, coming to see me, but so close to him. Two girls had him pressed against a wall. I think they thought he was just shy." There. Now came the hard part.
"He was writing…I think that was keeping him relatively calm. Writing so much…but then his pencil broke." Wet laughter, hopeless and empty.
"I thought it was his sanity." Dr. Kadowaki only nodded, glancing at Squall with tears in her eyes. Don't cry. That makes it real.
"But…it was the pencil. A-and…and then Nida grabbed the notebook, and started reading…" Don't cry. Don't cry. Deep breath. Seifer Almasy does not cry.
"Squall ran. I called to him, but he didn't answer; just kept running. Ignored the fact that he was outside the limit, and couldn't breathe. I caught him once, and he was…" Mad. Insane. Wild with fear and empty eyes.
"Not himself."
"Then he went inside, and I broke down the door, and cast Cure, and now…" I looked at the bed.
Hello, my name is Seifer Almasy. I killed the person I loved.
"I'm not going to say this isn't your fault," I didn't blame her. It was obvious…obvious to anyone with eyes.
"But Squall…well…he made it easier, for this to happen. I'm going to go file this, just stay here with him. Ress should be in to change the bandages in a moment." She paused in the doorway.
"I gave him something to help him calm down and sleep, so don't worry if he acts a bit…out of it if he wakes up." And then she left.
I only nodded, staring helplessly at my friend, and trying not to clutch his hand too tightly. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and let it out. My head fell forward to rest on cool sheets as the door opened again.
It was a redhead, short and nondescript, looking no little unsurprised.
"Leonhart again, huh?" I nodded weakly. It was so soon after the duel, only four days.
"That makes four times, now. I guess he really wants to die." So impersonal as he pulled a small cart through the entryway.
I hated him immediately, and then my heart stopped.
"'Four times, now'?" I asked him, "What do you mean?" I didn't really want to hear the answer. The redhead called Ress just shrugged.
"Fourth time he's been in here after a suicide attempt. I'm kind of astonished he's lived through them all. Dr. Kadowaki doesn't seem to want to let him go, though, even if he wants her to." A long strip of bandage pulled off of a roll.
"Seems pretty fucked up, to me."
"Get out." The words tore out of my throat before I knew what I was saying, and the boy just stared at me incredulously.
"I have to change the bandages," He said slowly, as if I were a child. I had no time for him.
"I'll do it. Get out."
"But-"
"Out." The boy shrugged, turned for the door.
"I'll go get Dr. Kadowaki," he told me, but I was already at the cart, pulling out bandage, clips, water and clean towels and antiseptic.
"Whatever. Get out." The door closed behind him.
I closed my eyes as I leant on the small metal cart, taking a deep breath. It was cool under my skin, sterile and white and shining clean, and I liked it. It had seemed so suffocating four days before, but not now. Now it promised healing and wholeness and blue-grey eyes that looked at me, instead of through.
I wanted him to look at me again.
Bandage was soft and springy under my hands when I picked it up, carrying it to the bed along with everything else. I swallowed when I saw the mottled red-brown color that spotted Squall's current bandages.
"Okay," I told him, knowing he probably couldn't hear, but feeling better anyway, "I'm gonna change the bandage, now. I'm sorry if it hurts."
He was so quiet. Quieter than usual. All I could hear was soft breathing and the distant murmur of machine in the background. Everything but Squall was white.
The bandages went entirely up his arm, disappearing into the blood-spotted cotton of his white shirt, and I very slowly began to undo them, taking care to memorize how they were wrapped, and trying very hard not to squeeze his arm as I hissed in sympathy.
The self-inflicted cuts were deep; very deep, and smeared with old blood. They were jagged and irregular, twining maliciously from shoulder to wrist on his left arm. I gazed unhappily at them for a moment placing the old bandages in the disposal and dipping the towel in a small bowl of water.
It was cool on my skin, making the fabric cling to my fingers, and I gently began to run it over Squall's wounds. Then I stopped.
"What…?" it was soft; I barely realized I'd said it as I leaned forward, dabbing at the rust-red of dried blood.
Words were carved into the smooth alabaster of his skin; red words, written with a razor.
I felt sick as I read them.
Go away stone behind go away go away nothing go away go why gold bars away go away for poison eyes run go away go away go away leave me alone
The words were everywhere, on front and back, and small; rushing angrily in crimson lines as they curled around him. I bit my lip.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't have time to hate myself, though. Squall needed to be taken care of, and I was going to do it. I ignored the words as I cleaned off his arm, water in the bowl turning red even as skin returned to white. Then I coated the wounds in antiseptic, smoothing my fingers gently over his shattered flesh before re-wrapping the arm and carefully fastening the bandage. I sighed, put everything back into the cart as I'd found it, and pushed it lightly towards the door, before walking back to Squall.
I stood over him for a moment, before sitting and very timidly taking the limp him in mine, fingers threading through his before I leaned forward, brushing the ragged bangs back from his forehead.
The skin was soft, unwrinkled by a frown as I pressed my lips to his brow. Something stirred, and I felt eyelashes flutter against my chin. I couldn't help but smirk.
Just like sleeping beauty, but I didn't move, only stayed in place and smiled as I felt his fingers tighten around mine.
"What are you doing?" He winced when he tried to adjust his arm, and then froze as if remembering. I ran a hand through silky silver-brown hair.
"Nothing," A short silence before he made a soft 'mmm' sound. I moved my lips from his forehead, then, to rest it on the pillow beside him. Don't cry, Seifer.
"I'm sorry," I whispered into the whiteness, "I'm so sorry," fingers tightened further around my own.
"What for?" The pillow shifted as he turned his head to look at me, uneven locks falling haphazardly into his eyes. I sat back up, pulling the chair closer and brushing the bangs from his face.
"Everything," I told him softly, "Just…everything." He only looked confused at that, so I sighed and attempted a smile.
"Go back to sleep, Squall. I'll be here when you wake up." He nodded; closed his eyes. Fingers curled over my own.
"And when you're sleeping. And when you're just dozing, and for about two and a half months after that," I added a few moments later.
Minutes passed; I watched him sleep.
"And maybe forever, if you'll let me."
Suddenly he stirred, eyes opening slightly to reveal warm blue-grey.
Fuck. He wasn't supposed to hear me say that.
If he had, though, he certainly wasn't letting on. He just looked up at me for a moment, before turning so that his back faced me, nearly jerking me out of the chair as he took my hand with him. After a moment's deliberation, I stood up, pushed the chair away with my leg, and sat down on the edge of the bed next to his body.
"Sing to me?" Came the soft request, and I stared at the back of his head.
"You act really weird when you're drugged up, Leonhart." I informed him, but he only looked up at me sleepily out of the corner of his eye.
"Like Matron used to?" I bit my lip.
"I really doubt that I-"
"Please?"
I owed him this. I had to. I swallowed a whimper, wondering why he had to ask that.
"All right, but don't laugh or anything. This is one of the few things I'm not very good at. I'm only doing it because you're sick." Something that sounded suspiciously like a giggle, and then;
"I'm not sick. I tried to kill myself." I grimaced. I hadn't needed to be reminded.
"Now sing."
I took a deep breath, cleared my throat, and sang the first thing that came to mind.
"Catch your breath,
hit the wall,
scream out loud
as you start to crawl
back in your cage,
the only place
where they will
leave you alone."
My voice was harsh and scratchy; too low for normal song. I couldn't blame it, though. 'Sexy' and 'lullaby' just don't go well together, and my tongue's primary uses up to this point had been…a bit different. Regardless of that, Squall had asked me, looked up at me with big blue-grey eyes and squeezed my hand in his own bandaged one, and there was simply no question as to if I would do it or not. I took a breath and continued.
"Cause the
weak will seek the weaker till they've broken them,
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense
left you with no defense;
they tore it down."
I cleared my throat, and Squall turned back over on the pillow, pulling my arm more tightly into his grasp. I wondered if he would remember this at all in the morning, and whether I should remind him.
"Locked
inside
the only place
where you feel sheltered,
where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
in your search to find
something else to hide behind."
I winced, not enjoying the mangled sound of my usually enviable voice. Squall didn't seem to mind, though, and his grip relaxed, breathing becoming slow and deep once more.
"Cause the fearful always preyed upon your confidence;
didn't they see the consequence?
They pushed you around.
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
breaking them, till they've become
just another crown."
I only hoped no one would walk through the door right now, or my reputation would be ruined.
…but screw reputations, this was slightly more important, and I could always rebuild it. It was pretty much impossible to ruin someone like me, anyway.
"Refuse to feel
anything at all,
refuse to slip,
refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
can't stand still.
Watch your back
cause no one will."
I could tell he was almost asleep, the hand in mine going lax beneath the bandages until I could barely feel fingertips on my skin. I sighed and tickled his palm, wondering when I had become so soft.
"You
don't know why they had to go this far;
traded your worth for these scars,
for your only company.
And don't believe the lies that they have told to you;
not one word was true.
You're alright.
You're
alright,
you're alright."
There. I was done.
3rd Person:
Seifer didn't see Dr. Kadowaki standing behind him, eyes darting between the two boys as if trying to understand something. Trying not to make a sound, she had listened as he had sung the strange song to the half-asleep Squall, a small smile on her lips at his obvious unwillingness to sing.
But he had anyway. All it had taken was a word and a look from the brunette, and Seifer Almasy, who as far as anyone knew had never taken an order in his life, had done something he knew he wasn't good at, humiliating himself for another person.
Another person who just happened to be his rival, whom he hated. Or was supposed to hate.
In the brief silence that occurred afterwards, Dr. Kadowaki made a decision, and pressed the small green button to her right. Clear glass slid open, accompanied by a soft mechanical whirr, and the small woman smiled when Seifer turned around.
"How is he doing?" A moment's consideration, and then the usual smirk.
"Leonhart won't let go of my hand." The blonde's usual manner was not lost on the doctor, nor was the abrupt change from worried hysterics to arrogant calm. Well, for whatever the reason, it was none of her business.
"Ress said you kicked him out?" Dr. Kadowaki raised an eyebrow, and Seifer went politely pink.
"He insulted my rival. Only I can insult my rival, it's like a law or something. Or at least it will be as soon as I arrange the next DC meeting. It's like they think they can be me if they pick fights with Leonhart." He said, trying to ignore the fact that his arm was currently wrapped around said rival.
"It gets on my nerves. Plus Squally here is seriously screwed up, the last thing he needs is insults." Seifer seemed to realize he was rambling, and his eyebrows drew together.
"Did you want something? Or did you just come here to gawk at him?" Dr. Kadowaki hid a smile.
"Just came in to check up on him, but he seems to be alright. As alright as he can be, anyway. You seem to be doing a good enough job taking care of him." The blonde gave a superior shrug with his free arm [1], smiling.
"Of course. I, after all, am only the best."
"Yes," The urge to mention his previous state of near-tears was overwhelming, but now was not the time for that, "Well, if anything changes, or if he comes to, call me. I need to try to talk to him about…this. Even if it is only a little, he needs to get whatever he was feeling out into the open, or this will happen again." It might even happen again anyway, poor boy.
Seifer seemed torn for a moment, before clearing his throat and giving the woman his best 'I don't care' look.
"I'll do it." He informed her, "I am his roommate after all. I mean, I'm gonna hear it no matter what, because of this whole thing, and knowing Squall, he'll want as little people as possible to know about it." He tried not to look anxious as Dr. Kadowaki considered this.
"Well…I suppose. I usually make a point of trying to help, but he did refuse last time, and what with the special situation, I guess it makes sense." She straightened.
"Okay, Seifer, but you're going to have to listen and not rush him. Don't make him feel like he has to answer, though you must find out what he was thinking. I don't know if he can survive this again." The blonde nodded, and then waved her out of the room, not moving from his rather precarious perch on the bed.
"Don't worry, this is me you're talking to, after all." The small woman couldn't help but grin.
"That's what I was worried about," She told him, and then opened door, stepping through it and walking a ways down the hall. She spun around just in time to see Seifer heave what seemed to be a sigh of relief before turning to the small brunette on the bed, free hand absently stroking the wild locks as he watched the sleeping teen carefully.
Dr. Kadowaki stood for a moment with a soft smile on her features, simply observing, before she turned, strolling back to her desk and feeling significantly more optimistic than she had in quite a while regarding the boy Squall Leonhart.
End Chapter 7
[1] You know; that thing he always does in the game.
I was gonna write more, but this seemed a good place to stop. Next chapter should be up around this weekend, when I'll have more time to work on it. School really sucks.
Sly:
As for your question- I took the Squall from FF8 (who talked quite a bit, but was still a bit introspective and displayed minor characteristics of not liking to be touched), and the Leon from Kingdom Hearts (who would fall silent randomly and didn't really like or trust people), and combined them. Then I added myself to him, because I've got the same aversion to touch, and I get the same feeling whenever certain people touch me, and I don't really like people, and would usually just rather be by myself, and don't like parties much. So the Squall in my story is how I perceive him added to a more extreme version of me. Plus Shiva. Because I love the idea of Guardian Forces.
As for Seifer, I basically took everything I hated and tried to justify it, adding humor so that I could bear him.
I don't really like this chapter; something seems wrong with it, and I hope the next one is better. I'm thinking that I might end this in a chapter or three, and then write a sequel taking place a month later or so…something like that. And then maybe another sequel after that. But who knows.
The lyrics belong to Lifehouse, by the way. I took out the chorus, though, because Seifer has most definitely not felt the same. That bastard. ^_~
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