See first chapter for details.
Sorry it took so long to update, I've been watching Gravitation. ^_^
A Fate Worse Than Death
Chapter 8 Squall:
The barrier was gone.
I could see once again the glimmering ice, light reflected off of its surface like a beacon, like ten thousand diamonds and the ethereal call of heaven.
And for the first time in a long, long time, I hesitated. Warmth rested heavily against my side, so different from the cold. It, too, called to me with a voice of its own, a deep voice that echoed with song and stumbling incantations, but I ignored it for now.
Blue hands rested against the wall, and distorted by the ice, Shiva smiled.
I am so sorry, Little Lion. Remorse. Regret. Sorrow. Was that all I caused? I frowned.
Why? This has nothing to do with you. This is… This is poison eyes and bloody lips. This is looming insanity and shattered thoughts. This is memory failing, and blind panic taking over. This is lack of control.
This is my fault. Not yours. I told her; but she only shook her head sadly, diamonds glittering on her skin.
I am a Guardian, the Ice Queen insisted, I guard. I guard you from everything that threatens; inside and out. It is true, that you must not rely on me so, but…
Something shifted against my skin. Warmth pressed closer, and in spite of herself, Shiva smiled.
But not like that. I am sorry, my Lion. I did not see…She sighed like frost across water, gentile and soft and almost undetectable.
I did not see the consequences. I thought that maybe this time it would be different. Her speech was halting, and then she frowned.
But why? Why is death the only answer? I do not understand. Others have already hurt you so much; must you hurt yourself as well? I could have laughed, would it not have convinced me I was insane. There would never be enough hurt from others, there would always be more pain, no matter what I did. I hated people, hated them so much. My scars were not punishment, they were memories. They were escape from an existence I would rather be without, they were momentary freedom that lasted as long as it took for someone to find me.
But Shiva wouldn't understand. It was not within her to comprehend such a thing. I sighed.
It is too complicated. It would only hurt her more, knowing that even she was not enough. Even in all her love, all of her beauty and wisdom, I still sought death. I still went into each battle with a distant hope that maybe it would be my last, I perhaps I would get to be invisible. Maybe I could finally leave loneliness behind, finally rid myself of the worry that everything I knew would fall apart. That was why I was one of Garden's best.
No. Her voice was suddenly stern, and I was shaken out of my thoughts. I blinked.
It is not too complicated. You are afraid. I scoffed.
Afraid of what? Death? Pain? I don't fear such things. You should know that. But she only shook her head.
You are afraid of loneliness. You are afraid of being left alone again, of feeling the void that love once filled. You are afraid that if someone gets too close, that if you care, they will only leave again.
"Squall?"
Shiva's eyes flickered, watching something with my sight.
You are afraid of love.
Am not.
I mentally slapped myself after that. When had I become so childish? I had no reason to deny it; so what if she was right? I knew I feared loneliness, was afraid that if I loved again they would only leave me, like Sis and Matron and my parents and everyone else I had ever let get close to me.
The ice goddess smiled mysteriously, pulling pale fingers back from the wall as she began to disappear among forgotten memories.
He is calling you.
Seifer:
I woke up hours later to find myself on the small bed with Squall, my left arm wrapped around his waist, covered in his own bandaged one.
The bandages were different; new and clean and wrapped differently than I had done it.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I would never live this down if that brat Ress told anyone. When had I fallen asleep, anyway? When had I climbed on the bed with him? When had-
Squall shifted slightly, moving closer to me and giving a soft sigh. I unconsciously tightened my grip.
Waking up had never felt like this. Before it was just something I did before I got up, leaving whatever lucky person who had joined me behind, lest I experience the dreaded 'after-sex conversation'. But this…
This was nice.
Or it was, until it got so cold that I huddled closer to Squall, until I realized he was the source of it. My teeth began to click, and I sat up, pulling my knees up to my chest before I realized what the sudden cold meant.
"Squall?" His eyes fluttered open, looking at me blankly for a moment.
"What are you doing?" It would seem he was back to normal, sitting up next to me and pushing his bangs out of his face. I glared.
"I'm freezing my ass off, is what I'm doing. Can't you turn that thing off?" Grey blue looked at me incredulously.
"Turn what off?" It was a bit warmer, but not much. I'd forgotten how long this deep-freeze lasted.
"The cold. Hyne, Leonhart, it's like Trabia in here!" He frowned, and I felt myself inch towards the warmth he was once more generating.
"No, I-" He noticed, and shifted backwards, watching me warily.
"Don't touch me."
"Then give me the blanket." Why the hell were these rooms so well insulated?
"No."
"Look. It's fucking cold in here, and it's your fault, so give me the blanket. It's not like I can just walk out of here, unless you really want to start choking."
He just scowled, and didn't move. I sighed. I hated it when people didn't listen to what I told them to do. It was only because he was injured that I wasn't wiping that glare off of his face with a few well-placed punches.
"Why are you in the bed in the first place?"
I'd forgotten about that. Great going, Almasy, even you're going to have trouble getting out of this one. Better think fast.
"I was worried about you." I was also very stupid. Why the fuck did I say that? That was practically sui-
My eyes fell to the bandage, innocent and white on the arms that were crossed over his chest. Suicide.
Squall squirmed under my gaze, turning to stare at the wall. I expected cold again, but there was nothing. The room temperature stayed normal, and he stared at the wall, but I could see him watching me out of the corner of his eye.
Guilt.
I hated that feeling. Now politeness dictated an apology, but for the first time, this wasn't about being polite.
"So-"
"Don't." He surprised me out of my apology, and I looked up as he turned to face me, arms uncrossing to fall into his lap.
"Don't apologize. Don't think this is your fault, that if only you had done something, maybe you wouldn't be here. Wouldn't be stuck feeling guilty because I tried to kill myself."
Did he really think that was what I was thinking? That I was annoyed that I had to be here? Did he really think I was that selfish? Hyne, what had I ever done to make him think…
Oh, yeah.
"That's not-"
"Because I don't want to make people regret!" He interrupted me again, "I don't want to be a burden. I hate depending on people, so don't apologize. This is my fault. Blame me."
What an idiot.
"Do you really think that is what I was thinking, Leonhart? I could care less about what I could being doing instead of this!"
He frowned as he looked at me, confused.
"I was worried about you, and this is not completely your fault. I mean, okay, so you could be less of an antisocial ass, but that isn't the point. The point is that it was also my fault. And I am sorry," He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand, silencing him.
"And there is nothing you could say to make me feel otherwise. I don't regret waiting here, I don't regret spending however-many hours in here, and I don't regret singing to you. All I regret," I pointed to the bandage, and Squall stared at me, "Is that."
There. That wasn't so bad.
"You sang to me?"
Oh, fuck. For the first time in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. I resisted the urge to put my hands over my face and cry; instead I looked at the door and wished a T-Rexaur would burst through. Instead I got Dr. Kadowaki, but that was almost as good.
"Good morning," She greeted us, giving me an odd look. Squall didn't say anything, only looked at me, his face unreadable. I slid off of the edge of the bed, booted feet hitting the clean white tile with a small click, and waited.
"I ran some tests while you were sleeping," I'm pretty sure I winced, "and well…they seem to be healing fine." She paused, looking at Leonhart with something akin to helplessness written on her features.
Squall only turned away from her, and I saw his arm twitch on the coverlet. He didn't say
anything, didn't even appear to hear her, just stared at nothing in particular with the familiar scowl on his face. Dr. Kadowaki sighed, and turned to face me.
"Seifer, do you remember what we talked about?" I could feel grey-blue eyes on my skin, but I didn't look at him, only nodded slowly as I tried not to look at the bed. The small woman said nothing for a moment; deep in thought.
"Then I suppose you're free to go." She shook her head, eyes darting to the man to my right.
"Squall-" she began, but Leonhart only turned his face further from her view, silver-brown hair falling into his eyes, and his frown deepened. Dr. Kadowaki shrugged and turned towards the door, clear glass sliding open with a soft hiss. I sat back on the bed.
Nothing was said for a few moments, and sheets rustled uncertainly in the silence. Then long legs were dropped next to mine as Squall settled on the edge of the bed beside me. I glanced at him, but his eyes were unfocused, his expression blank. He was back in Squall World.
I could still feel soft hair under my fingers, and eyelashes on my skin, and I wondered if he remembered as well.
He started to shift uneasily under my gaze, leaning away and blowing his hair out of his eyes, watching me like a wild animal.
No. He didn't remember.
A sigh escaped my lips, and I stood, beckoning for him to do so as well. Leather squeaked as he landed, and then he retrieved his jacket from the bedside table. It was only then that I realized we were still covered in blood. Squall's blood.
Red tile flashed in my mind, glittering with diamond tears and the echoes of 'why?'. Wild eyes and T-Rexaurs, and small black books and breaking pencils; random images behind my eyes, but most of all Squall, small and crying on the bathroom floor, in the rain, in black and white and yellow stripes. Recent past mixed with distant memories I'd thought forgotten, Ice goddesses and ivy frost that twined through blood.
I sat down on the floor, hard. My breath came fast now as the pictures continued, coming always back to Squall. Everything came back to Squall.
And then he was there, on his knees in front of me, staring at me with blue-grey eyes asking what the hell was wrong with me. I could only laugh.
"You tried to kill yourself, Squall. You could be dead now, bled to death on a bathroom floor, and I'd be alone." I shut my eyelids, effectively blocking out the world.
"How can you ask what is wrong with me, when so much is wrong with you? Why didn't you just talk to me; to anyone? Why do you keep it inside yourself, where it eats away at your mind and into your skin?" I reached out to grab the bandaged arm, careful not to squeeze as I turned it wrist-up, where red had bled through.
"Why do you want to die? Why do you want to leave me?"
The room went suddenly cold, but I would have none of that.
"Squall!" my voice was sharp, and his eyes immediately flew to mine, room temperature slowly restoring itself.
"Leave?" His asked no one in particular, and he sat down completely on the floor, pulling his arm out of my grip to wrap it around his knees.
"Leave you? But…" his voice was soft.
"But I…I don't…" He cocked it head to the side, looking at me with a shocked expression. I blinked, shifting forward.
"I can't…" deep breath, "I don't know. I can't talk about this…not right now. Can we go home?" Home. Home was blood and black notebooks, Shiva and razors and small choking gasps.
But Squall was okay. He was here, with me, relatively unhurt. I wouldn't let anything happen to him. Not ever again.
"Sure," I told him, and stood up, offering my hand. He looked at me like I'd just offered him a maggot-infested corpse. I sighed.
"Fine. Just trying to be nice."
"I don't need you to be nice," he shot back, and I shrugged, smirking.
"Then I won't," I told him, and started to walk for the door, taking unusual care not to get beyond five feet of Squall. I wouldn't risk anything with him.
Boots thudded on the floor as he surged to his feet, catching up with me and glaring out of the corner of his eye.
"What is with you?" he asked suddenly, and I stopped, turning to face him. I didn't have to say anything to get him to continue.
"You said you sang to me, and then got mad at me for being cold. You said you worried about me, that you didn't want me to leave you alone, and then you pull a stunt like this. I don't get it. What do you want?"
I want to have sex with you.
I shrugged, smiling and opening the door. Squall only scowled, and walked out, turning back towards me with his arms crossed over his chest, tan over white wrapped in black leather.
Or I did. I'm not sure what I want, anymore, though.
"I'll tell you when I figure it out. Now, come on. We may have slept for a while, but I'm still tired." Leonhart yawned, running a hand through his hair.
"Me, too," he admitted, absently scratching his arm. I resisted the urge to grab it, to kiss the shredded flesh and make him promise that never again would it happen. But instead I dug my hands into my trench coat as we walked through glass doors, staying as close to Squall as he would let me.
3rd Person:
The brunette was lost in his thoughts, neither at the wall of ice nor talking to his companion. His footsteps were heavy and mechanical, echoing on the spotless tile of Garden as they made their way to their dorm.
Students passed on either side, alone or in groups, and occasionally even the enigmatic Garden Staff would wander past. Everyone cast a glance and the duo, no stranger to their usual state of rivalry, and wondered why they walked so close to each other in what seemed to be a companionable silence.
Squall's arm was hidden in his jacket, under leather and fur as it normally was. The only unusual parts to his attire were the bloodstains on his shirt; they were neither green nor black as monster blood was inclined to be, but red. Red like humans and a very small amount of other animals that tended to live far away.
Seifer had just passed another group of whispering girls, ignoring their shy smiles and looking away, when Squall stopped walking.
It was so abrupt that the blond almost ran into him, halting inches from the other man. He didn't seem to notice, only fell to his knees as he clutched his arm, breath coming hard and labored.
"Leonhart?" Seifer's voice was worried, and he dropped to his knees beside the other man. The brunette's eyes were squeezed closed, and he turned away from his rival, knuckles on his hand white with the force of his grip.
"Don't touch me, I'm fine." The blond rolled his eyes.
"And I'm a Sorceress. Come on, I'll carry you." He held out his hands, but Squall only hissed.
"I can still walk. It's just my arm. Just hold on a second." Not releasing his arm, he slowly worked his feet until they were under him, pushing up slowly and biting his lip.
"So what's wrong?" Seifer asked him when he'd gotten to his feet. The brunette hunched over, legs splayed.
"I moved my arm and they all reopened. Keep walking. People are looking at me." This was answered with a shrug, and the footsteps resumed, one pair slow and steady and the other uneven, betraying a limp and a dragging gait.
They'd only made it a few feet when Squall stopped again, but didn't fall.
"I'm not weak!" He shouted at Seifer's questioning gaze, "I'm just tired, and it hurts, and I want to go home." He sighed.
"I didn't say anything," the blond stated, and Squall only glared.
"You were thinking it. I'm not weak. I could still kick your ass." The other man narrowed his eyes.
"Are you ok? What the hell is the matter with you? I never said you were weak, and though I doubt you could ever kick my ass, I never even implied that you might not be up to full strength. Get a grip on yourself, Leonhart. I'm not always a bastard." The brunette shook his head.
"I just don't know what is going on anymore. Are you my friend? Still my rival? My enemy? What? You're confusing, and you make me think about things that never occurred to me. I'm afraid I'm going to lose myself." Seifer blinked. He'd never really thought about how much he must be confusing poor Leonhart with his actions. All he'd seen was his own confusion as to what he wanted.
I'd better decide, and fast.
Then Squall started to sway, looking around and blinking rapidly.
"I think the building is moving," he said absently, and Seifer stepped forward, grabbing the other man around the waist before heading towards the dorms in an all-out sprint.
He made the trip in record time, skidding to an uneasy halt in front of the door with Squall still in his grasp.
"Let me go," the brunette's voice was flat, and he glared up at green eyes spitefully. Seifer ignored him, stepping through the doorway and walking to the bedroom, where he froze.
The small black notebook lay on the desk, dull cover shining innocently. On top of it was a small grey box, next to which was placed a tiny silver object.
…and finally a small grey box from beneath the sink, all of which Squall stuffed into the pile of clothes…
…seemed to pool around a small plastic box, open and empty on the floor…
Seifer gulped.
That box…Squall had kept a razor in that box, for whenever he would need it. He hadn't even wondered what I was.
He's completely forgotten about the man in his arms, until it was suddenly heavy, and he dropped him. The brunette's gaze followed his own, resting on the notebook and razor blade emotionlessly.
"I'm going to sleep." He announced finally, and sat on his bed, pulling nightclothes out from a drawer in his bedside table. Seifer only nodded numbly, still staring at the desk.
The rustling of clothes caught his attention, then, and he turned, immediately wishing he hadn't. Smooth white skin was stretched over the broad expanse of Squall's back, rippling over wiry muscles as the brunette pulled his shirt off.
Scars ran like a roadmap over that pale skin, all of them well within reach of equally scarred arms.
They looked like chains, like thin white ropes that bound his skin in uneven patterns. Squall froze.
"Don't look at me," he whispered, pulling the shirt down quickly to cover himself, and Seifer stepped forward. He didn't say anything, only grabbed onto the edge of the bed and pulled.
"What are you doing!?" the brunette shrank to the far side of the mattress, hanging on with white fingers and watching with wide eyes. There wasn't an answer, only a small pause as Seifer moved the bedside tables to the ends of the bed, and then walked around to the other side and began to push, until the two beds were side-by-side.
A brief silence, and then the trench court fell to the floor, followed by everything but boxers, and Seifer pulled his pajama pants out of his drawer. Squall gaped, whether at the indignity of it all or the body before him was unsure, and he didn't move until Seifer lay down beside him, and he shifted away.
"Come here," the other man beckoned, and grey-blue eyes watched him unsurely. When he didn't move, the blonde rolled his eyes.
"I'm not going to hurt you, just come here," no response.
"Please?" Squall hesitated, and then lay down as well, his back to the other man as he kept a careful distance. Seifer sighed.
Arms wrapped around a thin waist, pulling the brunette closer, and blue-grey eyes shot open. One of the arms moved upwards, wrapping up around his shoulder to cradle him gently, and Squall felt warm breath against his skin. He shifted noncommittally.
"Don't touch me…" the protest was weak, betrayed by the body the pressed almost undetectably closer to Seifer's own, and the blond smiled.
"I'm not going to try to kill myself again," the words were slow and sleepy, lulled by a warmth and comfort he had not felt in a long while. Laughter rumbled against his back.
"Sure you aren't," Seifer assured him, and the arms tightened, drawing Squall closer, until the only thing that separated them was a thin barrier of clothing. The brunette sighed, and relaxed, deciding that any questions could wait until morning, when things didn't feel so…right.
End Chapter 8
Whee? That was interesting…not to mention forever in coming. I've got school tomorrow! Argh!
–runs off to do homework-
Well, this chapter feels weird, too, but there isn't a whole lot I can do. I think they're getting subsequently more out of character with each chapter, but oh, well. Ill fix that someday, when Squall isn't half dead.
Read?
Review!
