See previous chapter for details.

Well, here we go. This thing is starting to write itself, because I don't know where it's going.

And now, Squall questions his sexuality! (About damn time).

A Fate Worse Than Death

Chapter 10

Seifer:

            He kissed me.

            Squall kissed me. Of all the things I had been expecting, that was the last. The way I'd seen it, in a few weeks the loneliness would drive me to kiss him, not the other way around. Yet here he was, arms wrapped around my waist with his lips pressed against mine.

            They were soft. So soft, like rose petals, and they tasted like rain and electricity. Like a thunderstorm.

            I was too shocked to do anything at fist; simply stood there like an idiot, and when I was about to respond; when my fingers began to run up his rain-slicked waist, he pushed away, panting.

            Black boots stumbled on the wet earth, fighting to regain the balance that had deserted Squall, and I stood there. Just stood there. Hyne; I'd been waiting for this forever, and I just stood there.

            Flesh thudded heavily against the ground as he fell, eyes wide and shocked, half-hidden by his soaked hair and the fingers he held to his lips. Ice spiraled outwards; twining like silver ivy through the mud. His breathing was loud above the thunder.

            Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Do something, Almasy!

            "Squall?"

            No answer. His eyes closed, leather-clad fingers running through water-blackened hair. Rain ran over his face like tears.

            Squall crying in the rain in a yellow shirt, in leather, in a thunderstorm in front of me, in blood and mud and loneliness.

            "Squall?"

            I took a step towards him, earth shifting wetly under my boots. His eyes shot open, and for one brief, eternal moment, he stared at me, realization written heavily in the shadows of his face.

            I held out my hand, and Squall recoiled, fingers clutching at himself as if afraid I would hit him. I fought the urge to scoff.

            I would never hurt him. Never.

            But I didn't have time to tell him this, to tell him anything, because he surged to his feet, and ran.

            I shook my head as I bolted after him. This would not happen again. I wasn't going to worry about what happened if he made it back to our room, because he wouldn't. He wouldn't make it back, because he was inches from my fingertips, weaving in the slippery mud and blinded by the rain.

            That was it.  I was tired of worrying about him, about pining for my rival and hoping that maybe he would like me. I was done playing his games, done sidestepping around him and tip-toeing through our dorm lest the ice shatter.

            It was time to break the ice. It was time to play my games.

            This time, when I leaped for him, I collided solidly with his waist, eliciting a surprised yelp dragging him to the sodden earth.

            We landed heavily, Squall beneath me, gazing up with fearful blue eyes. His hands were splayed over my chest, trying to push me away. I pulled him closer.

            "Please," he whispered, closing his eyes, "Seifer, I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to happen, I just-" I rolled my eyes, and cut him off with my tongue.

            The hands against my chest went limp, and I pushed closer, deeper, almost into the ground. I could taste him, taste the electricity, and after an uncertain few seconds, he responded. It was unpracticed and wary, as I had expected. After all, Squall hadn't ever really had a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend.

             Would take care of that, though. My hands found their way to his neck, running up over the ivory skin to caress the silken flesh. I ran my tongue over his perfect teeth, the roof of his mouth, and deeper, his lips almost melded with my own as he responded uncertainly, his own hands clutching with abandon at my back.

            His tongue was smooth against mine, touching with maddening whispers of contact, and I groaned, bit his bottom lip and drew it into my mouth for a moment before returning to the kiss.

            After a moment, I pushed upwards, drawing my knees under me and diving deeper into his mouth. I felt the ridges under my tongue, and I lapped at them as my hands ran down his sides, his waist, his hips, causing Squall to gasp, letting me go deeper, and arch against me, hands fisted in my trench coat.

            Then I pulled away, resting my weight on my hands as I stared down at him. He cautiously opened one eye, and then the other, meeting my gaze.

            He flushed and blinked rapidly, whether from the rain or something else I was unsure. His lips were dark and swollen, his breathing laborious. Eyes squeezed shut again.

            "Fuck." It was almost inaudible, whispered to the earth as he turned his head away. I smirked, and leaned down to press a kiss against his exposed throat. He gave a shuddering sigh, eyelids fluttering closed again.

            "Maybe later,"

            Oh, definitely later. It didn't matter if his kiss had been a mistake. There was no way he was going to get out of this one. Though…I really hoped it hadn't been a mistake. I'd go insane if it really was.

            But his apologizing had been a good sign. It showed that he didn't want me to hate him.

            That, or didn't want me to tell everyone.

            Oh, well. It was pretty obvious he was attracted to me, and he hadn't pushed me off yet.

            Just after I thought that, I landed on my back, gazing into the dying storm and wondering what had just happened.

            Squall was glaring at me, and for a brief moment I was scared, actually scared of what he would say.                               

I was losing it. To him.

I frowned, looking at him and wondering what his problem was; because this definitely wasn't my fault. He just frowned before sitting up, and then climbed unsteadily to his feet, closing his eyes and hiding his forehead in his hand.

"You're heavy," he stated, and then fell silent, staring over my left shoulder at nothing in particular.

"Seifer?" It was Nida.

Like I said; nothing in particular. I sat up, grimacing as something plopped down into the mud in front of me, long lashes fluttering in an attempt at attractive worrying. He placed a hand on my thigh.

"What are you doing out here, Seifer?" he asked, completely ignoring Squall. I smirked. The urge to tell him was overwhelming, but then there was Leonhart, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Going for a walk with my roommate?" I offered, and Nida frowned in a way that managed to make him look very deliberately alluring. I hated it. The hand on my thigh squeezed.

"You're going to catch a cold," he whispered, leaning closer, "and then someone will have to take care of you." He gave a practiced shy smile, tracing patterns on my leg, and I rolled my eyes and stood up. Squall was watching the storm die out, ignoring us both.

"C'mon, Leonhart," I called, ignoring the disappointed look Nida gave me, "he's right. Let's go in before one of us gets sick."

Leonhart frowned absently, blue-grey eyes glowing in faraway lightening.

"I don't get sick," he said distantly, but nonetheless started to walk back to Garden, pausing a moment to make sure I stayed close enough. I caught up with him in two steps, reaching for his hand with a backwards glance at Nida. Squall pulled away.

"Prick," I accused, and he just shrugged and crossed his arms.

"Whatever."

~*~*~

            Nothing was said for the entire walk back to our dorm; the air growing increasingly chilly with each step I took. I was shivering by the time we got back, both with the cold and the wet and I wanted nothing more than to curl up and go to sleep.

            Instead, I closed my eyes as I walked; staying close to the heavy beat of Squall's footsteps. It took a few moments for me to find what I was looking for in my mind, and then everything exploded in red and orange and yellow. Fire.

            Ifrit gazed at me with solemn eyes, and something about the way he moved suggested a warning against speech. But I didn't want to talk. I wanted to bask in the heat, rid myself of the cold and forget, if for just a moment, everything had happened.

            A brief image in the fire, a suggestion of an idea, and Ifrit grinned wolfishly in the back of my head. Its meaning was clear; summon or leave. I sighed.

            Everyone was being mean to me. Even my own Guardian didn't sympathize.

            You can't just be a friend, even this once, can you? The question was out before I realized it, and the lion-beast shook his head behind the flames, gold rings ringing softly against the obsidian horns.

            Don't expect anything from me but fighting beside you, he rumbled dangerously, I don't have any comforting words. [1]

            His claws curled maliciously as he brought himself to stand, amber eyes dancing in echo to the fire. Teeth were bright even in the unending light.

            Why not talk to your lover? Surely he will console you. After all…

            I was suddenly staring at our door, wondering what 'after all' meant and reveling in the relative warmness. Squall was beside me, watching with an unreadable expression before he turned and entered his code.

            As soon as the door closed, I began to strip, and there was a surprised yelp from behind me.

            "What are you doing?" Leonhart was staring at me, and I felt myself grin before replying.

            "I'm covered in mud, so I'm taking a shower. Want to join me?" I leered at him, and he got even paler, if that was possible.

            "N-no." He stumbled over the words, torn between disbelief and shock. I frowned, and shrugged. It would have been nice, but…well, it was too much to expect. I wasn't even sure Squally liked me. I mean, sure, he kissed me, and then responded when I kissed him, but this was Leonhart. There is no method to his madness; there isn't even a consistency in his pattern of thinking. The only surety was that if it involved interaction with more than one person, he was out.

            "Your loss," I told him, and his eyes widened.

"You were serious?" I fought the urge to laugh.

"Of course I was. Hyne, Squall, do you remember any of what has happened lately?" He looked away, avoiding my gaze, and frowned. I sighed.

"Out loud, Squall." But he didn't reply, so I stepped closer, placing my hand on his shoulder.

I immediately jerked back. He was fucking freezing, and wet, too. It was a wonder he hadn't died of pneumonia, already. I started to shiver again.

"Squall!" I hissed, risking a small push at his shoulder, and he looked up, startled.

"Huh?"

"Stay out of your head, or you'll catch a cold." Black gloves through dripping hair as he pulled it out of his eyes.

"I don't get sick."

"Bullshit." No one could not get sick in his condition. Underfed, soaking wet in three layers of clothes, freezing cold and getting colder, and still healing from past…injuries. He just scowled.

"I don't."

I didn't have time for this, especially since I was even colder now that I was half-naked.

"If you don't get sick, I will, so just try to stay in this world, okay?" He seemed to consider this for a moment, and then, to my complete surprise, nodded. I thanked whatever gods were listening.

I threw my wet clothes on the table, and Squall's mouth twitched, but he didn't say anything, instead following me as I walked to the bathroom. We stopped at the door. Leonhart made as if to walk around to the bedroom, but I grabbed his arm.

"Nuh-uh, you're coming in with me." Like hell I was going to leave him alone after that little freak-out at the plateau. Squall didn't seem to agree.

"I said 'no'."

"Well, I said yes, and unless-" Threats are not going to help now, Seifer. I sighed, running a hand through my hair; it was starting to fall into my eyes without the gel. Squall was glaring at me, subtly trying to pull out of my grasp. Deep breath.

"You don't have to join me in the shower, Leonhart," I told him in my best 'you're an idiot for thinking that' voice (even though I had hoped he would), "I just don't want to leave you…alone, right now." I could still feel the bandages beneath the soaked leather, and red words flickered across my sight. I closed my eyes to rid myself of them.

"Besides, you need to change the bandages as soon as possible. They're probably drenched." His eyes flickered, and shoulders slumped in surrender. He looked at the floor, and I pulled him into the bathroom, grinning.

"And I don't care what you say; get out of those wet clothes."

I had absolutely no shame.

Squall:

            I had no idea what was going on.

            Why had I kissed Seifer? Why had he kissed me? Why did he care if I got sick; if my bandages were wet? Why was he being nice, and treating me like his friend? Why was he hitting on me?

            Everyone knew Seifer was bi, but that doesn't mean you hit on everything in sight. I mean, Seifer hit on everything in sight, but never me. So what was going on? He was still a bastard, but whenever anything besides him threatened my health he got all…weird.

            He had been getting nicer as time passed, though, and he'd gone out into the storm with me. The shower thing, too, but…he treated me like a child. Was this just flirting? Power-tripping? Did he actually like me?

            My clothes were suffocating me, clinging wetly to my skin like a thousand hands. I hastily ripped off my gloves, jacket and t-shirt, wincing as Griever's frozen roar touched my wet flesh, but I left him on.

            I never took Griever off; never. It was something from my forgotten past, a memory carved in steel. It remembered what I could not, withstood the passing of time and collected the past in its shining silver eyes. I sighed, grasping the jagged cross and leaning against the bathroom wall.

            Seifer was a shadow behind he shower curtain, and I fought the urge to peek around it. Something weird was going on, here, and I wasn't sure what to do about it. If I did like him, as Shiva seemed to think, what made me think that he liked me back? What if it was all a joke, and I just got hurt again? But what if it wasn't, and someone did care about me, and I was letting it pass by with every second?

            Was I gay? Bi? Really confused?

            Definitely that last one. I'd never really been attracted to anyone before. I'd never had time, and now…every time Seifer got near me, things got weird. I didn't abhor his touch; in fact…I kind of liked it. Kissing him was scary, but exciting at the same time.

            He had been extremely patient with me, too, and unless I was mistaken he had sung to me. No one had ever heard Seifer sing. I knew because in one of our classes it had been Nida's birthday, and he had begged to be sung Happy Birthday to.

            …Nida. What about Nida? Seifer seemed to really like Nida, but then he had been so cold whenever Nida hit on him. Would that happen to me? Would I be left in the mud if someone else came along?

            And there was this whole…thing with the Doom spell. Seifer, despite his position on the Disciplinary Committee, was notorious for his sexual promiscuity. What if he was just frustrated for lack of sex? He had certainly been quick enough to choose Nida over me. What if…?

            I growled, deep in my throat, and squeezed my eyes shut. What if? What if? What if, what if, what if!? There were so many questions, and not enough answers, and all these feelings clouded up my reasoning.[2] My fingers curled tightly in on themselves, and the metal of my ring pressed into my palm.

            I hated confusion, I hated feelings. I wanted to be sure of something for once; I wanted Seifer to tell me what he was thinking. If he were interested, would I want to be with him? Would I want to be his boyfriend? Why was I even thinking this? I wasn't even sure I was gay, yet.

            What was going on? My teeth ground against each other, and I felt my muscles bunch, followed the pounding urge to hit something. My fist lashed out, slamming into the wall beside me, resulting in a series of crunches. I was fairly sure one of them was my hand, if the blinding pain meant anything. Despite my best efforts, I hissed in discomfort, pulling my fist to my chest and cradling it. The side was bright red, going purple, and it ached horribly. The male 'hit first and think later' instinct really sucked.

            "Leonhart, what are you doing?" When had Seifer gotten out of the shower? I frowned, pulling my fist closer to me. Things never seemed to go my way.

            "Thinking," I told him, trying to avoid the emerald gaze as I hid behind my hair. There was an exasperated sigh from somewhere above, and Seifer descended into my line of sight. I gulped.

            He was wearing a towel, and not much else. This wasn't helping the situation, and neither was the pain in my hand. Was it broken or something? I flexed my fingers experimentally, and tried not to wince. Not a good sign.

            Warm hands were on my skin then, but there was no urge to pull away. Just a small twinge in my stomach, like a million butterflies were fluttering around in there.

            Uh-oh.

            Seifer pulled my left arm towards him, eyes unreadable. I looked away when he started to unwrap the bandage that still adorned my skin; I didn't want to see what I had done.

            "You were supposed to change this when I was in the shower, Leonhart," he was saying, peeling off the soaked cloth with gentile fingers. My flesh was damp and chilled, yet fire flared at his touch, stirring the butterflies that had taken up residence in my stomach. Shiva smiled from behind the glass wall. I scowled as the last bit of bandage came undone, pulling my arm back and standing up. Green eyes flashed with confusion, and I sighed.

            "Leave it off," I told Seifer as he stood up as well, "I'll…I'm going to take a shower. You can put the clean one on…after." What was wrong with me? Why was I tripping over words? White teeth flashed in a smile of…relief? No. My eyes were playing tricks on me.

I shook my head, pulling my feet up to unstrap my boots. They fell to the tile with a heavy clatter of metal and leather, followed by my socks and numerous belts. Seifer's sight lingered on my pants, and I couldn't help but smile as I stepped into the shower to finish stripping.

"Spoilsport," he muttered from the other side of the curtain, and I threw the pants over the divider, and there was a satisfactory yelp that meant they'd hit their mark. I wasn't wearing underwear; they were uncomfortable with leather, so I started the shower, hoping Seifer wouldn't comment on the lack of undergarments. He didn't.

I usually take cold showers; ice cold, but that would defeat the purpose right now. The water was already scalding with Seifer's choice of temperature, so I just left it alone, closing my eyes and enjoying the feel of warm water on cold skin. Shiva recoiled on her side of the ice, disappearing with a small smile so that I knew she was not upset, only uncomfortable in the warmth that would be pointless for her to counteract.

I closed my eyes and sighed, placing both hands on either side of the showerhead and letting the water cascade through my hair. All of my questions drifted away for a moment, along with my worries and fears and discomforts. There was only the warmth and the small rustling of cloth that was Seifer shifting on the other side of the curtain.

I didn't remember my attempted suicide until I opened my eyes to stare directly at the cuts. They were angry and red in the heat, flames against my skin, and I remembered the words that had flashed through my mind not two nights ago, scarlet and maddening, warped silver and red in my skin, drawn with insanity and poison steel.

I pushed against the wall, trying to escape my own arm, slipped on the slick porcelain. I hit the back wall with a choked sob, and familiar white lights dances before my eyes, unaccompanied by the usual darkness. I slid slowly to the floor, and a shadow loomed behind the curtain.

"Squall? Are you okay?" He sounded worried, torn between the urge to check on me and the knowledge that I would kill him if he looked at my naked. I rubbed my sore back.

"I'm fine," I whispered over the hiss of the shower, "I just-" hate myself for doing this to myself. For doing this to you, "slipped." I could practically feel him frown.

"…all right," a pause, and the shadow receded, "hurry up, though. You've been in there forever. I nodded, though he couldn't see, and quickly washed my hair and skin, turning off the water. Then I paused. I didn't have a towel or anything. Shit.

"Uh…" I stopped, embarrassed. Since when did I get embarrassed? I glared and nothing in particular, before shoving my hand out of the shower and beckoning to where I though Seifer was.

"I need a towel," I commanded in my best 'don't screw with me' voice. Seifer ignored it, though, like he always did. He handed me a washcloth.

"Oh, funny." It was, sort of. But I wasn't going to admit that.

"What? I'm not joking. There's nothing else out here." I groaned, massaging my eyes with my free hand.

"Then give me yours."

"What? Then I'll be naked!"

"Better you than me. Hand it over." I wasn't going to smile.

"You just want to see me naked." He accused, and I sighed.

"Seifer."

"Fine." A towel was thrust into my hand; not the one Seifer had been wearing, I noticed, "ruin all my fun," he grumbled half-heartedly. I felt guilty as soon as he said that. After all; he was right. Everything he wanted to do, he couldn't because of me, but he still did the things I wanted to.

"Sorry," I whispered, as I dried myself off and wrapped the cloth around my waist. I was no fun, and I knew it. How could Seifer ever be interested in me?

There was a snort from the other side.

"I was kidding, Squally," I ignored the nickname, "Hyne, it's not like you're the last person I'd ever want to be around." I stepped out of the shower, avoiding his gaze, and fingers wrapped around my left arm. He pulled me towards him, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and waist, his chin in my hair. I didn't try to get away.

"You're one of the few people I consider worthy of my time," his voice was a low whisper, and I let myself relax, if only for a moment, "not to mention the fact that you're one of the few who can even put up a semblance of a fight when it comes to dueling," he pulled me closer, one hand reaching a little further down than I could deal with. I pushed away, and Seifer left go of everything but my arm, which I didn't look at. He was smiling. I rolled my eyes

"You'd hit on anything with two legs," I told him, "and probably even some with four, if they looked at you right." I wished he wouldn't play these games with me; they only confused me more. Seifer laughed, reaching over to the sink for the clean bandage. I moved closer so that he could put it on, but that proved to be a really stupid move.

As soon as I did that, he stood up, capturing my other arm and pressing me against the opposite wall. I struggled for a moment, trapped against cold tile and warm flesh, trying to get free, until he leaned forward to press a kiss against my jaw line, and then against my neck. I relaxed, almost against my will, and his hands slid up my arms to cup my face. He stared into my eyes, and I tried to turn away; I hated it when people looked at me, especially when they were so close. He wouldn't let me though, and I scowled, eliciting a lazy smile.

"I'm serious about you, though," he whispered, his fingers wandering back down my arms and massaging the muscles lightly before ghosting over my stomach. I hissed at the touch, tensing my muscles, and he stopped moving, both hands staying splayed just over my abdomen.

"I want to tame the Lion," I gave a nervous laugh at this, and tried to push him away, not liking these strange emotions he evoked. Seifer wouldn't move, though, instead leaning down to kiss the point where shoulder and neck converged. Despite my best efforts, my breath hitched, and I didn't know if I could take much more.

He seemed to sense this, taking a step back and looking at me seriously.

"Besides, Leonhart; you really need to get laid, and I'm going to be the one to do it; end of conversation." I scowled, but didn't pull out of his grasp. I wasn't sure I could.

What was happening to me? Why was this happening? Why was I not horrified at the very idea of sleeping with Seifer? Why did it instead seem…exciting?

I sighed, wishing I could just be alone again. Things would be so much less…complicated. I didn't have to feel back then. I could just sit around and be no one.

But Seifer offered me something unheard of before. He was the closest thing I'd had to a friend in a long time, and…

I sighed, suddenly tired of thinking. Whatever happened happened. I'd go along with it, just for a while, to see how it went. Things seemed pretty determined to screw up my life as it was, and there didn't seem to be much I could do about it. If Seifer really was serious, and if he didn't prove to be just another person here to try and break me…

Well, we'd see how things went. Shiva would always be there if I needed to escape.

I looked up at Seifer, who was watching me; still holding my arm.

"Whatever." I wasn't even sure I wanted him. I'd have to figure that out before things went much further. He grinned, as if he knew what I was thinking, and pulled me towards the sink.

"That's what I thought. Now come here; I have to change the bandage." I sighed and stepped forward warily, but he seemed to be done trying to molest me. Ointment was rubbed gently into my skin as I looked elsewhere, to be covered in crisp white bandage. Seifer's hand lingered on my arm.

"Okay, Squall, all done." I looked back at my arm, taking in the neat coils of cloth. He tugged on my fingers, and I pulled them out of his grasp, bringing my arm closer to cross it over my chest. Seifer ran a hand through his hair; released from the gel to hang limply around his face. I had to stop myself from reaching out to touch it; it looked so much softer, and made him look a lot less…harsh. More gentile; more beautiful.

I was so gay.

Seifer raised an eyebrow when I brought my hand to my forehead with a groan, but he didn't say anything about it. Instead, he stepped around me and opened the door.

"C'mon, Squally," he called, "Even though I love the whole toga party we have going on, we really need to get dressed. Raj and Fuj wanted to go fishing."

Fishing? I'd never been fishing. I wasn't entirely certain I'd ever wanted to go fishing. He seemed to understand my hesitation, which was weird. Everyone else always seemed to think I was ignoring them.

"We don't have to go, if you'd rather not…" Seifer sounded disappointed, and I immediately decided against staying here. It wouldn't kill me; and he wanted to do it. I shrugged.

"Whatever. I'll go."

He smiled, and something melted in me. Stop it. I told whatever-it-was firmly, and followed Seifer into our room, pulling my clothes out of the bedside table as he did the same.

The last thing I needed was to get all emotional around him. Emotion was not something I wanted to reacquaint myself with; I needed to stay focused; distant.

Which was really hard to do with Shiva giggling in my head like that.

End Chapter 10

[1] Final Fantasy VII plug! Squee for Vincent!

[2] 'Yeah, they cloud up my reasoning! And I know that I still believe that ignorance is my best defense, so go on; wreck me. Funny, how I carry on and not be taken over, I will not roll over on anyone, 'cause anyone would stand up on my side. If you want you can get to know me, well, we get along so we shouldn't argue…' That was Rob Thomas, with 'Argue' ladies and…well, I'm pretty sure this is just ladies. But if there are any guys reading this…uh…hi?

It is a well-known fact that you cannot wear leather pants and underwear without looking funny, which Squall most certainly does not. So the only solution is that he doesn't wear underwear. Try not to think too hard on this.

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