See first chapter for details

A Fate Worse Than Death

Chapter 12

Seifer:

            "Woah! Long time no see, man!"

            See Zell. See complete likeness to chicken. See Zell touch Squall. See red. Feel inexplicable urge to hurt something. Feel that best thing to hurt would probably be Zell.

I could feel myself glaring, held back only by my injured ankle and the knowledge that Leonhart would probably kill me if I messed with his friends. I wasn't leaning on him any more, instead somehow managing to stay upright with only one foot. Hell if I was going to appear weak in public, though, and Squall probably wouldn't want to be seen voluntarily touching someone, anyway.

We'd left the library almost as soon as we got there. A few people had recognized me, thus leading to a multitude of girls being prettily worried and flocking around us both, leading to discomfort on my roommate's part and an unfamiliar sense of annoyance on mine. I was briefly puzzled (after all, I'd never minded being fussed over) until I realized that I was annoyed because Leonhart was uncomfortable. Figures.

He hadn't protested to leaving, hovering by my side much closer than was necessary when a few girls got it into their heads to flirt with him, but I wasn't complaining. I liked being close to Squall.

Unfortunately, once we were out in the hall someone else appeared, and I almost preferred the girls. Though I seriously doubted Zell would hit on Leonhart, but then again…

The blonde slapped an amiable hand on the Ice Prince's shoulder, smiling irritatingly. He was saying something about Selphie planning something for a pen pal who was supposed to be visiting from another Garden, and she was wondering if Squall wanted to maybe meet him, and had asked Zell to ask Squall since they were roommates, but then when Zell said that they weren't Selphie got all curious as to why, and he realized that he didn't know either and what was up with that? He thought they were friends? As was usual, the blonde would accentuate his remarks with the occasional punch, which I found extremely distracting. So engrossed I was in wanting to see how well his multitude of hairspray held up to a fist to the face that I missed Squall's reply. Not that it was hard, considering his preference for monosyllabic sentences.

Suddenly I was pinned by bright blue eyes, and Zell was staring at me. He was standing perfectly still for a change, mouth slightly agape.

"Seifer?" Disbelief evident in his voice. For a fleeting moment, I wondered what Squall had said [1], before giving the Chicken my very best 'you are an idiot' smile.

"The one and only," I affirmed, and the blonde shot Squall an astounded glance.

"You have to stay within five feet of him? Hyne, Squall, I'd sooner kill myself." I grimaced, but Leonhart miraculously managed his usual unemotional façade, "It's actually…not that bad, around Seifer," he said, appearing to forget the fact that I was standing three feet to his left, "He isn't always an asshole." Understatement, much? Hyne, you'd think I went around slaughtering people or something, given how people tended to react to me. Zell was blinking, having obvious trouble processing this information, and I cleared my throat, sick of being ignored.

"Hey," I said, nudging Squall in the ribs, "guess who can hear every word you're saying," a quick flicker of blue-grey, and then all attention was once more focused on the blonde in front of us, who was talking again.

"…under a freaking mind-control spell," Zell was muttering to no one in particular, and I frowned, about to violently protest before he apparently noticed this and held up his hands in a hasty attempt to ward me off, "But, hey, man, not like I know anything, right? I'm just saying it's weird, is all. Acting all buddy-buddy. Thought you guys hated each other. Anyway," he switched tracks so fast I almost fell over, but then again, that just might have been the strain of standing on one foot. Squall shifted as if to help me steady myself, but then seemed to think better of it. This gesture was not lost on Zell, his mouth opening and closing silently like a fish before a glare from the Lion got him talking again.

I almost preferred the silence. A frustrated sigh was fighting itself up from my chest, and I really wanted to leave. I didn't have the energy to hurt the damn Chicken-Wuss right now. It was kind of depressing, actually, but the thought of being alone with Squall as an alternative went a long way towards cheering me up.

"…supposed to take you to Selphie if I find you. She's been worried sick, says 'Squall isn't the type to skip class or town, and he's been gone, like, for years!'" This was accompanied by a fairly convincing high-pitched squeal, and I was briefly impressed by Zell's ability to impersonate a girl.

On second thought, no I wasn't.

"Whatever," Leonhart agreed, and then started to follow the blonde, stopping for a bit to let me catch up. I frowned; so much for alone time. I guess I'd just have to put up with the speed freak and the chicken for awhile.

Then again, the realization that I was coming to enjoy 'along time' spoke volumes of exactly how much time I'd been spending around Squall. With a brief grunt as I forgot I was wounded, I half-hopped towards the brunette, reaching out to sling an arm around his shoulders. He made as if to push me off, but I stooped so that I was level with his face.

"Nu-uh," I said, glaring at the tattooed freak when he cast us an astonished look, "If I gotta put up with your friends, you gotta put up with me," I had absolutely no problem with people knowing about anything or anyone I might be interested in, but apparently Squall did. Pale lips were tugged downwards in a scowl, and I almost regretted saying that as he opened his mouth. Wasn't I supposed to be trying to be nice or something?

Squall sighed, seeming to reconsider whatever he'd wanted to say. I felt an arm wrap around my waist, and managed not to look surprised.

"Then limp." He commanded, managing a glare out of the corner of his eye, "convincingly." I smiled, straightening and letting my ankle protest as I walked.

"Whatever you say, baby," I yielded with a wink, and my roommate rolled his eyes.

I was definitely making progress.

3rd Person:

            Zell didn't really want to think about what was going on. He knew Seifer was bisexual; he'd never bothered to keep it a secret. Most people accepted the fact, whether they wanted to or not, or faced a very angry Almasy. The martial artist had never had a problem with the other blonde's preferences, so long as he didn't hit on him. That would have been really…uncomfortable, considering that Zell thought of Seifer as something a bit like an extremely annoying older brother.

            It was Squall that surprised him. He'd never known the brunette to care if the older teen might be hurt, to ever feel the urge to help him. The Lion just wasn't the hero type; he expected everyone to take care of themselves and leave him to do the same. It took a lot to move the stoic boy to help others simply because he wanted to.

            Apparently Seifer had the requirements, because there was Squall, walking behind Zell with his arm around what could be questionably called the most irritating egotist in Garden. Maybe he just didn't want to face whatever would happen if Seifer fell behind, or something like that. It's not like he was in love with Almasy, right?

            Right, Zell concluded with a nod. It would be way too weird for Squall to show that sort of emotion. It'd be like…the end of the world or somethin'. Though…Another glance behind him, and the blonde felt his eyes widen. It was a great act of will that kept his mouth firmly shut and his feet moving when faced with what he saw.

            Seifer was leaning on the brunette, his mouth only inches from the smaller boy's ear as he whispered something. Zell expected the Lion to kick him, or drop him, or at the very least glare, but he did none of these. Instead, he merely rolled his eyes, hand not leaving the older boy's waist. The blonde bladesman gave a satisfied smirk and straightened; a limp previously unnoticeable now firmly in place. The martial artist's eyes narrowed, but he said nothing and turned just in time to avoid running into a wall.

            Running a self-conscious hand through his strange hair, the blonde led the other two the rest of the way in relative silence, inexplicably relieved when he saw Selphie traipsing around in the Quad. Maybe she'd know what to make of this.

            "Wow! Squall!" There was a blur of yellow, and a slim brunette with green eyes stood before the two behind Zell, her hands clasped behind her back as she smiled happily, bouncing a bit on her toes.

            "It's been, like, forever! You know? I haven't seen you anywhere, and then Zell said that you weren't room mates, and he didn't even know why!" All of this was said in a rush, but Squall said nothing, only watched the small girl with an apathetic expression, and then removed his hand from Seifer's waist, who took the hint and rather reluctantly pulled his arm from the slim shoulders. Selphie's eyes narrowed.

            "Why is Seifer here? Are you two…?" She let the question trail off, cowering a bit under an icy glare from the other brunette. Her sudden silence was over in a flash, though, and she cocked her head at the tall blonde.

            "So, yeah." Green eyes narrowed a bit as she frowned, "I didn't invite you." Squall just sighed, and the older boy raised a pale blonde eyebrow as he took a threatening (if a bit unsteady) step forward. Selphie gulped.

            "Unless you want Squally-boy to have a heart attack, I go where he goes, and vice versa." His voice was deep, menacing, but completely lost on the girl. She poked his forehead with a slender finger, and Seifer struggled not to try and suffocate her.

            "What happened?" Selphie inquired, looking to Squall behind him, "Both of you have scars on your forehead," a delicate frown, a bit strange on her features, and the blonde was struck by the strange impression that it was a lot nicer than the practiced beauty of his usual friend's expressions. The thought was banished as he stood up again, glancing to Squall and waiting for the brunette to answer.

            "We were dueling," came the short reply, but Selphie, apparently used to the Lion's speech patterns, smiled amiably.

            "So does that have something to do with whatever Seifer tried to explain?" a nod, and the yellow-clad girl shifted her weight patiently. The blonde was struck by the lack of haste that belied her hyperactive nature.

            "Soooooooo…?"

            "We were dueling, and he cast…ah…a spell. It went wrong."

            "No kidding. Then what?"

            "Something happened with the blood and the spell and I can't go further than five feet from him, or I start to…die."

            "Well, that sucks!" Selphie exclaimed enthusiastically, and behind her, Zell rolled his eyes and started to shadowbox. Seifer frowned. He really wanted to leave.

            "So this is your fault, huh?" Suddenly pinned by eyes greener than his own, the blonde was very sick of being blamed for this. It was his fault; so what? Not like it hadn't been rubbed into his face over ten thousand times. He was sick of people acting like he'd ruined Squall's life, because he hadn't. Seifer growled, taking a careful step forward and glaring down at the small girl.

            "Listen," he hissed at the cowering Selphie, "I don't have to deal with this shit anymore. This is not all my fault, and I'm not going to kill Leonhart. I am sick of all you fucking idiots blaming me for a mistake, and I am not going to put up with it anymore! If you ever-"

            "Seifer!" What had been the beginnings of a tirade was cut short by the sharp admonition, and he spun around to face the blue-eyed brunette. He was caught full-force by a glare, and had the sense to wince. With a sigh, he shrugged and stepped back to Squall, ignoring the fact that the other two existed.

            "No one blames you," a hand through silver-brown hair, and a pointed look was shot at Selphie, who smiled sheepishly. Zell, on the other hand, was staring at Seifer as if the man had grown pink wings for the sole purpose of playing the princess in Swan Lake.

            "What is it, Chicken-Wuss?" the older teen growled, and the martial artist frowned, clenching his fist threateningly, a gesture which was completely ignored. As soon as he realized this, his shoulders slumped and he ran a hand through the small amount of hair that was not defying gravity.

            "Never seen you obey anything," he mumbled, "much less something that wasn't even a command." Selphie, watching, tapped a finger against plump lips in contemplation.

            "Yeah!" she exclaimed after a moment, "What's up with that? Are you guys dating or something?" her head was cocked to the side in a deceptively innocent gesture, and Zell looked as if his eyes would fall out. Squall, on the other hand, had choked on his latest breath of air, trying to glare at Seifer, who had just swung an arm over his slender shoulders.

            "Why, yes," the blonde informed them with a smile, "we are. Do you have a problem with that?" Selphie shook her head happily, Zell looked about to faint, and the brunette was trying to kill his roommate with a glare. He was ignored.

            "Wow! Like, I didn't know you swung that way, Squall!" the young woman squealed, dancing on her toes, "though," she added more seriously, eyes averted in thought, "considering how you act around females, it shouldn't've been a surprise."

Squall:

            I wanted to die again, but this time I wanted to take Seifer with me. Dating? Him? Me? I couldn't even begin to get angry; my mind was having enough trouble comprehending this. I couldn't…how could…Hyne! Even my thoughts weren't making sense. There was only the heavy weight on my shoulders and the stupid stare Zell was giving me. I wanted to hurt him, hurt Seifer; I wanted to scream that we were not dating, thank you very much, and that Almasy would be lucky if he was even alive within an hour.

            But that was only part of me. The other, irrational part of me that loved puppies and flower gardens was smiling happily, spreading warmth through my limbs and thinking maybe love for me wasn't impossible.

            I wanted to kill that part of me, too. I wanted to murder everything in sight, but the words wouldn't come to deny this idiocy and I couldn't move for the warmth. That, however, was easily remedied, and I smiled as I thrust my arm through the ice. There was a satisfying yelp from somewhere outside of my mind.

            Oh, dear. I never expected him to do that. Shiva was thankfully not frowning at me, but at what she saw through my eyes. I could not see Seifer's reaction, facing away as I was, and to turn would break the contact with the wall. Shattered reflections in the ice only hinted at the outside world, but I didn't care, anyway.

            I'm not going to survive this, I told my Guardian, That idiot is irrational. Nothing he does makes sense. He does not think about anything! He just does what he wants! My other arm entered the ice, and blue fingers emerged to grasp mine. They were delicate, tattooed with exotic symbols and shimmering with diamond dust. My arms were soon numb with the cold and the Void. I scowled up into Shiva's frozen eyes.

            I want to kill him. Hurt him. I don't know. Even my mind won't agree with me. I sighed, silent in my head, and felt pain blossom distantly as my body apparently fell over. Anger flared at whoever had the audacity to push me, but I wasn't about to see who it had been. I wrapped my arms around Shiva, further into the ice, and her hair danced like waterfalls around me.

            Oh, my lion, I am sorry. This is the way it is supposed to be, though. The way it has to be. You, too, are irrational, in your own way. You fluctuate between caring and not, between his arms and mine. Even now, what he says pleases you, even as it disgusts. You must decide, and fast, or the strain will break you.

            So let me break. I didn't want to be here, anymore. I was sick of him, and so sick of me. I liked the numbness and the apathy that swirled within the ice, loved the motherly arms around me and the way there was no risk in this affection. Shiva would not hurt me without realizing it, as Seifer would.

            But then…she was not warm, as he was, nor as attentive to my moods. She told, she did not suggest, she could not cook, or fight me, or wrap my bandages or make sure I ate. She was not sarcastic or arrogant, and she lacked the wildness of thunder. She was ice, like me; compatible. He was fire, my opposite, and I was drawn to his heat. I loved her, but wasn't in love with her. Not that I was in love with Seifer, but at least there…maybe with him I could learn.

            I felt the sudden urge to stab myself in the head, to claw at my face and scream with indecision. I wanted to rip Garden apart stone by stone, to crawl into a corner and quietly implode, to get away from Seifer and to bury myself in his arms. To feel him next to me when I slept, to feel the gentile silence that I had not felt since the duel.

            How long had it been? I wasn't even sure, anymore. Time was events, not days, since that moment. I wasn't sure when anything had happened. A few days? A week? A month?

            It wasn't as if it mattered. The spell would not fade in a given amount of time. It all depended on the scientists in Esthar. Maybe I would be free tomorrow. Maybe I would spend six years like this, silently going insane.

            I think I was shaking, but I am not sure. Shiva was holding me, a quiet comfort to my impending madness, and her arms stroked my back and told me it was all right, and just for a moment, I believed her, and looked up into the eyes so like my own.

            What should I do? It was soft over the voices that pushed in from the real world, and I could feel hands on me, pushing, pulling. It burned, shredded my skin so painfully that I remembered I had forgotten what it felt like, and I knew that Seifer was not touching me. Another step into the ice, and I could feel the echoes of the void. I was almost Summoning; flickering between the darkness and the light. Shiva smiled into my hair.

            Why are you asking me? You've already decided. Perhaps not when things were this big, but it is the same situation. I didn't understand. This was not the same. This was dating Seifer, and back then (was it just yesterday?) it was putting up with his advances. Shiva apparently had no grasp of magnitude. I sighed.

            Why was I even thinking about this? I didn't want to date Seifer; it was completely out of the question. I shouldn't even be considering thinking about this. Why couldn't I stop?

            …

            Because I didn't want to. Because some stupid part of me that I didn't understand wanted to date him, wanted to be held by him and night and kiss him and be told that I was loved.

            Maybe, just maybe, I wanted to actually be loved, as well. But by Seifer?

            This was stupid. This was about the hundredth time I'd had this conversation with myself, and it was going nowhere. I still couldn't convince myself what I wanted, and I apparently never would. I would forever be debating over something I didn't even want. Over something I did want.

            Screams were building in my lungs, pushing up through my throat, and I felt hands lock themselves into my hair, pulling at the sensitive strands. It took me a moment to realize that they were my hands, and that I was curled on the hard stone ground, clutching my head and feeling my mind splinter with indecision. Shiva had apparently pushed me out again, leaving me to stare up at Seifer, his green eyes full of concern.

            "You okay?" His voice was soft, only for me, and I could feel his hands on my shoulders; gentle and comforting. I wanted to kiss him, to wrap myself in his arms and bask in his warmth, and yet I wanted to punch him, glare, and tell him that fuck no I wasn't 'okay'! I was going insane again, and it was his fault.

            But then his fingers started to massage my flesh, and the violence subsided and the warmth returned, and I pushed it down and looked to the ice wall, where Shiva stood with hands on hips and shook her head.

            So that eliminated option 'a', leaving option 'b', which was lose myself in emerald oceans and drown in the warmth of golden hair and golden skin; and option 'c', which was punch the bastard and run, somehow surviving asphyxiation.

            But, through no conscious decision of my own, I chose secret option 'd'.

            I fainted.

[1] For those of you wondering, he said 'Seifer messed up a spell. I have to stay within five feet of him.'

Okay! Random poll time!

How do you pronounce 'Seifer'?

I personally call him 'say-fur', but I've heard 'zeph-er', 'sai-fur', 'seffer' and many others. Is anyone a pronunciation master?

Also, I decided to post this (even though 'tis short) due to complete lack of anything else to write.

And I am really, really sorry for the long wait-y-ness. I…ah…committed an 'infraction' or something. Yeah. ^_^;;

We-ell…

Read?

Review!